Letters  of  a  Japanese  Schoolboy 


Letters  of 

A  Japanese  Schoolboy 

( ' '  Hashimura    Togo ' ' ) 

BY 
WALLACE   IRWIN 

Author  of  "The  Love  Sonnets  of   a  Hoodlum,"  "Shame  of  the 
Colleges,"   "Nautical  Lays  of  a  Landsman,"  etc. 

Illustrated  by  Rollin  Kirby 


New  York 

Doubleday,  Page  &  Company 
1909 


ALL  RIGHTS   RESERVED,    INCLUDING   THAT   OF   TRANSLATION 
INTO   FOREIGN   LANGUAGES,   INCLUDING   THE   SCANDINAVIAN 

COPYRIGHT,    1907,    1908,   BY   P.   F.   COLLIER   &   SON 

COPYRIGHT,    1909,   BY   DOUBLEDAY,    PAGE   &   COMPANY 
PUBLISHED,    FEBRUARY,    1909 


"  Sometimes  I  sit  and  wonder  in  my  artless 
Japanese  way  " 

—  The  Mikado 


^45244 


CONTENTS 


I.     Our  Noble  Allies      ...  3 

II.     The  Honourable  War  Cloud       .  n 

III.  The  Yellow  Peril      ...  19 

IV.  Lady    Suffergettes     and     How 

They  Do  It           ...  26 

V.     The  Financial  Breakdown           .  37 
VI.      Hon.  Niggers,  Was  They  Freed 

by  Lincoln  ?           ...  46 
VII.      Hon.  Simple  Life  Among  Ambas 
sadors  55 
VIII.     A  Third  Term  for  Our  Emperor  63 
IX.      Hon.  Modesty:    Is  it  a  Disease  ?  71 
X.     Spring     .....  80 
XI.     Education  in  American  Language  90 
XII.     The  Visit   of  the   Fleet   to   San 

Francisco     ....  98 

XIII.  Flighty  Navigation  of  Air           .  107 

XIV.  The    Conventional     Meeting   of 

Reps  in  Chicago             .          .  118 

XV.     America's  Bang  up  Ceremony    .  128 

XVI.     Can  Africa  Wait  till  March  4th  ?  138 

vii 


Vlll 


LETTERS  OF  A 


XVII. 

XVIII. 

XIX. 

XX. 

XXI. 
XXII. 

XXIII. 
XXIV. 

XXV. 

XXVI. 

XXVII. 

XXVIII. 

XXIX. 

XXX. 
XXXI. 

XXXII. 

XXXIII. 
XXXIV. 


The  Hon.  Gasolene 
America's  Base  Game  of  Ball 
Is  a  Vice-Pres  Nearly  a  King  ? 
My  Conception    of  the  Presi 
dency         .          .          . 
How  American  Advertisement 

Does  It      .          . 
Olympus  Games  and   Interna 
tional  Cement     . 
Outside  Exercises  for  Health   . 
Can     Hon.     North     Pole     be 
Detected  ?  ... 

High  Tariff  on  Princes   . 
The  Servant  Problemb    . 
The  Feetsteps  of  Science 
The  Hon.  Mars 
Standard  Oiling  across  Party 

Lines 

The  Hon.  Bomb     . 
Enjoyment  of  Hunger  Among 

Poor  Mans 
The     Alcoholic     Temperance 

Movement 

The  Saloon  in  Our  Town 
Election  Day 


149 

159 
169 

179 
189 

196 
207 

218 

227 

237 

247 

256 

265 
275 

285 

295 
304 
313 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  ix 

XXXV.     Fall    Hats    and   the    Ladies 

Inside  of  Them         .  .  323 

XXXVI.     Feetball  for  Mollycuddles  .  333 

XXXVII.     Will  Hon.  So.  Dakota  Be  a 

Blissful  Married  State  ?  .  342 

XXXVIII.     Hon.  Mary  Christmas .  .  352 

XXXIX.     The  Annual  New  Year  .  363 


CHARACTERS 
CAST  UP  BY  THIS  BOOK 

HASHIMURA    TOGO -- 35 -year    aged     Japanese 

Schoolboy. 
COUSIN     NOGI  —  educated    in     horseracing    & 

relidgeon. 

ARTHUR  KICKAHAJAMA  —  missionary  boy. 
HON.  STRUNSKY  —  Irish  salooner. 

UNCLE  NICHI  — -  Japanese  strawseed  who  come  to 
America  to  be  less  so. 

MRS.  LUSY  MACDONALD  —  complete  angel  of  286 
pounds  beauty. 

LITTLE  ANNIE  ANAZUMA  —  of  kindergarten  intel 
ligence. 

I.  ANAZUMA  —  Japanese  shave-proprietor. 

J.  FURO — who  is  dead. 

G.  W.  McCANN  —  prominent  drunk. 

SYDNEY  KATSU,  JR.  —  who  go  Harvard  study 
mollycuddling. 

Miss  ALICE  FURIOKI — wife  to  Cousin  Nogi. 
Miss  EVELYN  SUKI  —  dear  friend  &  more  even. 
FRANK  the  Japanned  Bootpolish. 


Xll 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 


S.  WANDA  —  Japanese  Socialist. 
WHANG  So  — China  boy  of  sinful  profile. 
H,  SUNIGAWA  —  Talented  Japanese  Spy. 
UNKNOWN  JAPANESE — who  call  himself  "Charley 
Smith"  to  get  job  in  a  bank. 

Sorted  persons,  doctors  &  druggers,  Bun- 
kio  Saguchi,  riots,  baseballers,  frequent  wise 
Professors,  Hon.  Niggers,  delegates  who  walk 
for  the  unions,  editors,  Napoleon  Bonyparte 
&  his  Brother  Charley,  Hon.  Police  &  other 
famous  Americans  to  include  my  dog  O-Fido. 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

'Therefor  I  entertain  him  to  beer-cere 
mony  at  saloon  of  Hon.  Strunsky, 
Irish  patriot"  ....  Frontispiece 


PAGE 


"Good  morning,  Mr.  Emperor,'  say  Hon. 

Ambassador"    .....          58 
"Would  they  fit  me  perhaps?'  I  ask  for 

vanity"     ......          72 

"'Why  all  this  yall  about,  unless  of 
mania  ?'  I  require  to  know  from  Hon. 
Police" 82 

"When  Hon.  Operator  seen  my  telegraf 
he  say:  'What  language  is  them  wrote 

in?" I0o 

"But  China!!  such  eye-pain  of  nations'  "        102 

"O  banzai!  whirr    of  angry    rages   from 

engine" IIO 

"Loyal  Sons  of  some  fairish  land  parading 
under  banner  of  the  Nice  Old  Party 
with  placards  to  show  how  harmoni 
ous  they  feel"  /  I2o 


xiv  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

PAGE 

"There  I  meet  Motor  Man  who  ....  suf 
focate  me  with  international  courtesy"  150 

"I  have  a  developed  chest  already/ 

snuggest  Hon.  Taft"  .  .  .  208 

"They  should  not  make  groups  around 
him  with  scissors  to  cut  away  souvenirs 
from  him"  .  .  .  .  .  224 

"I  require  to  leave  message  for  Cousin 

Charley  at  Washington' "  .  .  .  246 

"'O!  Sweethearted  Mrs.  Madam,  I  enjoy 

a  brainache  this  morning,  thank  you' "  312 

"'Do  not  hide  your  light  under  a  bushel 

basket/ are  smart  quotation  for  me"  326 

"'All  of  them  persons  is  related  to  each 
other  in  some  way  and  another — some 
by  proxy,  some  by  regret' '  .  .  340 

"Obi  Obi  and  the  Willy  Sparrow''  .         .       344 


Letters  of  a  Japanese  Schoolboy 


Letters  of 
A  Japanese  Schoolboy 


OUR  NOBLE  ALLIES 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  November  4th. 
To  Esteemed  Excellency   the  Editor    of    what    is 
much  widely  read  New  York  newspaper. 

DEAR  SIR  —  I  am  a  Japanese  Schoolboy  age 
35  years  &  I  come  to  this  Free  Country  for  some 
following  reason: 

1.  To  save  up  money  for  old  age. 

2.  To  learn  so  much  I  can. 

3.  To  wait  on  table  14  hours  Daily  at  Boarding 

house  of  Mrs.  C.  W.  O'Brien,  honourable 
lady. 

I  am  not  doing  so  to-day  as  I  am  Confined  in 
hospital  enjoying  much  pain  from  brick-bat 
wound  sent  to  me  by  one  American  Patriot.  Also 
I  am  not  attending  school  for  some  time. 

If  your  Highness  will  permit  such  correspon 
dence  I  will  ask  some  Question  which  I  will 

3 


.'4  :-.•.-.•••    .   LETTERS  OF  A 


answer  myself  so  as  to  save  too  much  trouble 
for  your  valuable  time.  Thank  you. 

Some  frequent  Professors  are  asking  the  ques 
tion  now:  Will  White  Man  and  Yellow  Man  ever 
mix  ?  I  answer  Yes  because  I  have  knowledge 
of  the  affair.  They  mix  once  in  San  Francisco, 
they  mix  once  in  Vancouver.  But  such  mixing 
is  not  good-healthy  for  the  human  race  because  it 
make  broken  glass,  pistol-shot,  outcry,  militia 
and  many  other  disagreeable  noises.  Japanese 
gentleman  mix  races  with  jiu  jitsu,  Irish  gentleman 
with  gas-pipe.  Those  are  both  good  ways  to  know. 

I  have  heartfelt  feel  for  American  gentleman 
because  my  Teacher  tell  me  America  and  Japan 
are  Noble  Allies.  Are  we  not  this  ?  Hon. 
Marquis  Wm.  Taft  arrive  to  Tokyo  to  say  these 
truth.  He  state  to  Admiral  Togo,  "We  are  Noble 
Allies,"  and  Admiral  Togo  response,  "If  we  shall 
not  be  Noble  Allies  we  shall  be  Noble  Liars." 
Tokyo  is  so  happy  that  Rising  Sun  make  tear 
drop  falling  on  star-stripe  banner.  Banzai! 

Excuse  bad  penmanship  as  Right  Hand  was 
wounded  by  brick-bat  from  one  Noble  Ally 
name  Casey.  Bottles  was  also  used  on  head 
which  were  unfortunate. 

So  happy  Japanese!  Japan  has  most  Noble 
Allies  than  any  other  country.  France,  England, 
these  dear  Uniteds  State,  Germany,  Australia, 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  5 

Switzerland,  Spain,  Portugal  are  all  to  fight 
in  our  behaviour.  Also  Corea.  The  most 
strongest  of  our  Allies  must,  therefore,  be  England 
who  gives  day-and-night  thought  to  making  all 
Japanese  comfortable.  London  newspaper  weep 
for  shame  when  San  Francisco  labour  man  drop 
building  material  on  head  of  Japanese  gentleman. 
London  newspapers  arrange  their  editorial  full 
with  considerable  pity.  Yes,  please.  England 
man  loves  Japanese  man  with  much  distinction 
because  both  are  brothers  by  germ,  are  they  not  ? 
Also  affinities. 

My  cousin  Nogi  become  recently  absentee  from 
San  Francisco  because  he  might  reside  away  from 
the  brick-bats.  He  went  to  inhabit  in  British 
Columbia  at  Vancouver  to  work  in  the  Kakemono 
Barber  Shop  under  the  so  glorious  British  banner. 
This  is  protection  for  all  weak  persons.  I  am 
therefore  much  more  ill  in  my  sick  hand  when  I 
read  this  telegraph  from  my  cousin  Nogi. 

To  Hashimura  Togo,  San  Francisco: 

Welcome  to  Canada  by  Noble  Allies.  Three  killed,  seven 
wounded.  All  well.  Please  send  shot  gun. 

NOGI. 

I  think  so  continuously  concerning  my  cousin 
enjoying  trouble  from  that  cordial  Great  Britain 
that  I  am  about  to  make  hara-kiri  by  swallowing 
bottle  of  hospital-medicine;  but  I  relieve  my  death 


6  LETTERS  OF  A 

more  easily  by  making  the  following  poetical 
thought  which  I  mailed  to  the  King  of  England 
who  lives  in  London: 

ADDRESS   TO  MR.  EDWARD,  EMPEROR   OF   THE 
BRITISH,  WHO  LIVES  IN  LONDON 

America  man  he  strike  for  pay, 
Japanese  work  for  a  dollar  a  day. 
We  like  all  much  work  can  do  — 
You  like  Jap  boy  work  for  you  ? 

Yes,  sir,  thank  you,  I  come  now: 

Plenty  more  Jap  boy  soon  learn  how. 

O  so  sorry  no  can  stay  — 

Yes,  please,  come  again  soon — good  day! 

London  paper  say,  "Jap  nice, 
Fight  much,  think  much,  eat  much  rice." 
England  love  us,  so  we  heard  — 
What  for  Canada  say  bad  word  ? 

Yes,  sir,  thank  you,  one  good  graft; 
Little  Brown  Brother,  Big  Bill  Taft. 
O  so  happy  come  round  quick  — 
What  for  Canada  throw  Big  Stick  ? 

We  sweep  kitchen,  scrub  out  pan, 
Learn  speak  English  soon  we  can. 
We  be  good  boy,  so  polite, 
Trot  all  daytime,  think  all  night. 

Yes,  sir,  thank  you,  too  much  fuss. 

We  like  Canada  —  you  like  us  ? 

O  so  sorry  must  go  way  — 

Yes,  please —  come  again  soon  some  day! 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  7 

I  am  still  awaiting  Answer  to  this  poetical 
thought  which  must  be  there  somewhere  in  English 
postoffice  soon. 

Why  do  Japanese  Boy  come  to  this  country  is 
requested  for  reply  from  almost  every  white  mind 
of  prominence.  I  will  answer  with  several  reason 
from  my  own  vocabulary: 

1.  To       learn       religion,       Bookkeeping        & 

Stenography. 

2.  To  cement  that  Friendship  of  nations  and 

keep  grocery  store. 

3.  To  attend  horse-racing  contests. 

4.  To    learn    American    Manners 

5.  To  study  Customs,  Murders,  Art,  Science,  & 

Humoristic  Literature  from  Sunday  papers. 

6.  To  go  back  to  Japan. 

Perhaps  you  read  in  newspaper  sometime  rather 
recently  about  a  warfare  which  we  enjoyed  with 
our  Honourable  Ally  Russia  which  we  cause  to 
love  us  with  a  bayonet.  Your  Emperor,  Mr. 
Roosevelt,  then  taught  us  how  the  peace  may  be 
manufactured  and  we  have  done  so  ever  since. 
If  you  did  not  read  of  this  in  papers  I  will  send 
you  clippings  from  the  Shimbtin  of  Tokyo. 
We  are  sending  the  glad  hand  of  fellowship 
around  to  all  white  persons,  but  I  can  not  do  so 
this  week  because  the  brick-bat  wound  I  said  to 
you  about  is  in  my  right  wrist. 


8  LETTERS  OF  A 

Before  enjoying  that  painful  collision  I  spoke 
something  with  Hon.  Strunsky,  the  Delegate  who 
Walks  for  the  Unions.  Some  of  my  countrymen 
has  seen  Hon.  Strunsky  Walk,  but  he  has  been 
Setting  down  on  them  occasions  seen  by  me.  I 
went  there  with  ceremony  before  Mr.  Strunsky  at 
his  saloon,  because  he  is  Irish  and  makes  angry 
sudden. 

"Please,"  I  enquiry,  "let  Japanese  Boy  to 
plumbing  union.  I  am  able  to  plumb  with 
intelligence." 

"You  make  me  tired,"  he  retorted  back. 

"Esteemed  sir,  if  you  are  exhausting  yourself 
with  fatigue  let  Japanese  Boy  have  your  job. 
My  cousin  is  ambitious  for  such  a  situation." 

"Beat  it!"  response  Hon.  Strunsky. 

I  could  not  assimulate  that  word  he  said  it. 

"What  should  he  beat?"  was  question  for  me. 

"You  beat  yourself  around  block  —  skiddoo!" 
explained  honourable  Delegate  gentleman. 

When  he  was  explaining  these  things  in  war- 
cry  voice  so  all  could  understand  Mr.  Carbonetti, 
an  American  gentleman,  struck  me  on  the  wrist  with 
a  small  piece  of  House  which  was  not  then  built. 
I  spoke  "Banzai!"  and  Mr.  I.  Rogo,  proprietor 
of  the  Rising  Sun  Coffee  House,  came  with  leaps 
and  make  jiu  jitsu  upon  Mr.  Carbonetti  while 
O.  Takura,  my  cousin's  grandfather,  stopped  Mr. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  9 

Strunsky's  speeches  with  some  kindling-wood. 
Soon  there  was  rain  of  brick-bats  from  sky  and 
Japanese  Boys  present  much  regretted  they  did 
not  wear  any  umbrella. 

That  is  some  ways  it  happened. 

Was  it  then  wise  for  the  Delegate  who  Walks 
for  the  Unions  to  say  so  ?  For  was  he  not  often 
remarking  there  was  no  place  for  Japanese 
gentleman  in  the  American  business  ?  He  does 
not  know  the  statistick  like  the  Japanese  states 
man  may  tell  him.  What  does  Ichipanorama, 
Walt  Whitman  of  Fuji,  say  so  ? 

The  Visible  Universe  was  never  so  full  of  men,  Monkeys, 

Furniture,  Noise,  Literature,  Diseases, 
That  there  was  not  a  Place  somewhere,  either  in  the  hall 

bedroom,  or  in  the  kitchen,  or  in  the  Dellar  under  the  kitchen, 
Or  in  the  ice-box  under  the  stairs 
For  the  Good, 

the  Beautiful 

and  the  True. 
Gotama  Buddha,  or  the  Janitor,  or  Somebody  else  makes 

room  for  the  Humble  Deserving 
And  even  a  Parrot 

May  be  allowed  in  the  Apartment  House. 
Does  a  Rich  Man  refuse  to  take  gold  because  it  ,s  yellow  ? 

Does  a  Cook  refuse  to  boil  potatoes  because  they  are  brown  ? 

Does  a  Car  Conductor  refuse  to  take  on  another  Passenger 

because  of  race,  colour  or  previous  condition  of  servitude  ? 
He  does  not,  neither  do  they. 
Man  leapeth   from  land  to  land  even  as  the  flea  from  dog  to 

dog. 
It  is  so  enrolled  upon  tablets  of  porcelain  and  ivory. 


io  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

This  is  not  exactly  how  Ichipanorama  says 
how,  but  something  like  so.  America  has  room 
for  all.  The  Irish  gentleman  to  hold  the  great 
public  offices,  the  Jewish  gentleman  to  attend  to 
the  drama  and  the  clothing  store,  the  Italian 
gentleman  to  be  the  merchants  with  the  fruit, 
the  German  gentleman  to  attend  to  the  large 
sausage  interests  of  the  country.  The  Japanese 
gentleman,  then,  what  does  he  require  in  this 
so  great  commonwealth  ?  Sometimes  something, 
sometimes  something  different.  To  nail  the 
shoe,  to  write  the  books,  to  work  in  the  gymnasium, 
to  run  the  banks,  to  peel  potatoes,  to  govern  the 
states.  Anywhere  you  require  his  usefulness  he 
will  be  so  happy  to  be  there. 

Hoping  your  Highness  understands  plainly 
to  know  how  I  think  these  things  here,  and  love 
to  all. 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


II 

THE    HONOURABLE    WAR    CLOUD 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  November    i6th. 
To  Editor  of  New  York  newspaper,    enlightened 
printer  who  manufacture  Truth  for  all  thought 
ful  Person. 

DEAR  SIR  —  I  so  happy,  thank  you,  esteemed 
Mr.,  for  you  listen  to  how  I  say  so  in  my  last  letter. 
Therefore  I  am  much  obliged  to  you  for  several 
more  intelligent  Question  which  I  will  ask  you 
what  is. 

During  my  residence  in  Hospital  to  enjoy 
brick-bat  wound  sent  there  by  Labouring  Union, 
I  give  some  large  quantities  of  thought-attention 
to  future  life.  What  business  would  be  swiftest 
for  making  success  of  it  ?  Waiting  on  table- 
board  of  Mrs.  O'Brien,  honourable  lady,  is  repul 
sive  to  proud  Japanese  Boy  any  more  do.  Which 
would  be  better  for  me:  To  learn  to  be  Christian 
Missionary  or  to  study  for  bookkeeping  and 
stenography  ?  Both  ways  lead  to  good  jobs. 

My  cousin  Nogi,  who  return  from  British 
Columbia  leaving  front  teeth  with  English  friends 
there,  say,  "Missionary  jobs  are  no  longer  needed 


iz  LETTERS  OF  A 

for  Japan,  because  our  dear  country  already 
have  rapid-fire  fleet  and  stand-up  army  sufficient 
to  make  all  Japanese  Christians." 

"What  date  is  arrange  for  this  Japan- America 
war  to  be  shot  off?"  I  ask  for  answer. 

"Not  yet  but  when!"  response  this  Nogi  mak 
ing  eyewink,  American  salute. 

"In  such  a  warfare  which  kingdom  would 
beat  it  ?"  is  next  question  for  me. 

"Frequently  one  and  then  some,"  collapse 
Nogi,  who  think  as  I  do. 

Therefore  I  still  ask  to  know.  Hon.  Mr.  Sir, 
could  you  so  courteously  remind  Japanese  Boy 
of  exact  date  for  such  warfare  ?  If  there  is  any 
announcement  in  your  press  of  this  battle  would 
you  send  me  clipping,  address  Hospital  ?  Such 
an  answer  would  be  delightful  to  know  for  all- 
coloured  races.  Political  man,  labour-union 
man,  newspaper-press  all  have  brain-ache  ques 
tioning,  When.  You  will  permit  me,  please,  to 
speak  how  I  think  so  ? 

Japan-America  war  is  impossible  to  happen! 
Banzai !  All  should  be  so  happy  in  Hon.  Carnegie 
talking-library  at  Hague.  Philippine  Island  must 
be  taken  by  Japan  on  mortgage  or  some  other 
peaceable  conquest.  Perhaps  American  Con 
gress  will  consider  this  nice  birthday  present  to 
Emperor  of  Japan. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  13 

How  I  make  this  knowledge  ?  Because  so. 
Japan  could  never  secure  these  United  States 
entirely  for  Japanese  Government.  I.  Anazuma, 
Japanese  barber,  tell  me  how  Mr.  Kuroki  might 
not  capture  New  York  from  such  great  distance 
of  San  Francisco.  And  what  must  Japan  do  with 
New  York  when  captured  ?  That  is  hard  question 
for  Japanese  Boy. 

While  residing  in  Hospital  bed  my  cousin 
Nogi  come  to  me  bringing  donation  of  banana- 
fruit  for  lunching.  These  fruit-  come  as  package 
enwrapped  in  American  newspaper-press.  I  am 
thankful  for  lunch,  but  more  so  thankful  for 
reading-news  on  enwrapping.  The  information 
tell  me  nervously  that  fleet  of  ships  commanded 
by  Hon.  Pres.  Roosevelt  will  go  around  to  the 
Pacific  ocean  by  the  Cape  of  Horn,  avoiding 
Panama  canal  which  is  less  done.  Must  Japan 
shoot  American  ship  for  going  to  Pacific  ocean  ? 
This  is  question  for  editor.  I  answer,  No,  please! 
Pacific  ocean  still  have  too  much  water  for  Japan 
to  cover  with  torpedo  boats.  Thank  you,  America 
fleet  may  call  at  San  Francisco,  San  Diego,  Seattle 
without  angry  rage  from  Tokyo  government 
which  is  busy  civilizing  Corea.  Hon.  Mr.  Roose 
velt  is  welcome  to  travel. 

Howeverly  is,  some  sinful  thoughts  come  to 
Japanese  Boy.  Is  not  some  excitement  interest- 


i4  LETTERS  OF  A 

ing  to  all-coloured  races  ?  It  would  be  fine 
engagement  for  Japan-America  navies  to  come 
together  sometime  for  slight  shooting-scrape, 
because  both  have  enjoyed  very  pleasant  target- 
practice.  America  navy  recently  use  boat  of  Hon. 
Adm.  Cervera  for  excellent  bull's  eye.  Japanese 
navy  practice,  still  more  recently,  on  fleet  of 
Hon.  Mr.  Rodjestvensky  in  which  practice  Japan 
gunners  score  97  out  of  possible  100  hits.  Yet  it 
are  not  good-healthy  for  2  such  equal  navies  to 
meet  in  angry  rage,  because  they  might  be 
bursted  by  following  brutal  diagram: 


Mr.  Editor  I  am  Samurai,  like  all  other 
Japanese  Boys.  When  sick  hand  is  well  I  am 
good  for  all  fights.  My  friend,  Arthur 
Kickahajama,  missionary  boy,  is  exceptional  to 
this  rule  saying  man-strangling  and  dynamite 
explosion  to  be  bad  for  human  race.  He 
teach  meek-eye  as  best  disease  for  strong-arm. 
He  come  to  Hospital  and  hold  my  sick  hand 
to  say, 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  15 

"Togo,  when  union  labour  drop  brick-bat  upon 
Japanese  Boy,  what  then?" 

"Hara-kiri!"  I  explain.  "Japanese  Boy 
deliver  jiu  jitsu  upon  eye  of  Mr.  Casey." 

"  So  heathen  thought ! "  devote  Arthur.  "  When 
brick-bat  smite  left  cheek,  right  cheek  is  then 
presentable  for  more." 

To  such  talk  I  am  only  able  to  speak  of  rats. 
Arthur  forgive  such  politeness  and  read  me 
poetical  thought,  because  sickness  prevent  escape: 

ADDRESS    TO  PEACE  DOVE    WHAT   RESIDE    IN 
HATS  OF  ALL  EMPERORS 

Tell  us  to  know,  feeble  sparrow-bird  of  quiet  politics, 

Why  is  ? 

Yes,  you  are  equally  white  as  snow,  and  yet  snow  frequently 
catches  it  from  gunpowder. 

What  has  occurred  to  your  appearance  ? 

What  has  become  of  thy  tail-feathers,  wing-feathers,  pin- 
feathers  ? 

Where  is  the  hair  upon  thy  back  and  also 

Where  has  thy  left  eye  went  ? 

Tell  us  to  know,  gentle  chickadee  of  disarmed  nations, 

Why  is  thy  matinee  music-song 

So  heartlus  and  without  feet  ? 

Like  the  melody  of  hand-saws  playing  upon  rusty  nail,  like  a 

leak  in  a  bagpipe  or  like 

A  widowed  ostrich  pining  alone  with  bronchitis  of  the  throat! 
Hast  thou  a  message  for  the  world  to  know  ?j 
Tell  me,  Arthur  Kickahajama,  missionary! 
If  so, 


16  LETTERS  OF  A 

Tell  us  to  know,  gentle  harbinger  of  harbour-defences, 

Tell  us 

But  Peace  Dove,  butting  inwards  upon  poetical  address 

Of  Arthur  Kickahajama,  missionary, 

Makes    peeking    expression    toward    Holland    with    that    one 

remaining  eyeball, 
Makes  pointing  gesture  toward  Washington  with  the  stump 

of  bit-off  leg. 

And  response  back  to  the  Japanese  poet  as  follows:    "Croak! 
"I  will  tell  you  to  know,  Arthur  Kickahajama: 
I  have  been  delivered  to  Nations 
Bearing  label  HANDLE  WITHOUT  CARE! 
How  can  Pidgeon  sail  tranquil  on  smooth  tail-feathers 
When  Great  Peacemakers 

Distribute  him  here  and  there  shot-out-of-a-gun  ? 
When,  to  go  places,  he  is  clubbed  with  swords,  jabbed  by 

sceptres,  batted  by  big  sticks  ? 
Is  there  no  Society  of  Prevention  for  This  ? 

"And  yet  I  am  here,  Peace  has  arrived  — 

But  of  what  use  to  mankind  delivered  in  such  a  shopworn 

condition  ? 
Thank  you   for  plaster-casts,  thank  you   for  limb-bandages, 

eye-wash,  salve, 

Thank  you  for  arnica-poultice,  Brother  Missionary! 
Peace  be  with  you  — 
Croak!" 

Mr.  Editor,  your  honourable  country  enjoys 
many  bad  traits  which  are  loathsome  to  Japanese. 
You  are  disagreeable  to  old  age,  you  neglect  to 
worship  the  holy  relic.  In  the  American  house 
hold  you  worship  the  recent  Baby  with  doctors, 
nurses,  chloroform,  etc.,  and  at  the  tooth-cut  of 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  17 

same  all  have  spasms  by  joy.  But  when 
Grandparent  injures  the  appendicitis  he  must 
enjoy  it  quietly  in  hospital  with  stationary  to 
make  will. 

In  boarding  house  of  Mrs.  O'Brien  there  is  one 
young  lady  which  all  other  eaters  at  the  table- 
board  call  "Grandma"  because  of  her  immense 
age.  All  young  gentlemen  there  talk  humoristical 
anecdote,  smile,  eat  candy  with  young  ladies  of 
more  recent  birth.  While  youthly  ladies  are  do 
ing  this  Miss  Grandma  set  lonesome  by  lamplight 
reading  Mrs.  Humply  Ward  book. 

I  have  often  noticed  these  when  seated  in  kitchen 
studying  American  grammar.  "Why  should  not 
Young  Lady  be  object  of  pious  regard  because 
of  great  age?"  I  frequently  enquire  for  answer. 

One  evening  I  put  on  frockaway  coat  and  make 
call  to  Miss  Grandma. 

"Hon.  young  lady,"  I  refer,  "yes,  ma'am, 
excuse  me,  sir!  Would  you  tell  one  questioning 
to  Japanese  Boy?" 

"Surely,  Mister  Togo,"  she  response.  "What 
ever  is  ?" 

"Oftenly"  I  relate,  "I  am  attractive  to  your 
honourable  notice  setting  lonesome  under  lamp 
light.  May  I  call  sometime  for  lonesome 


company  ? 


You    are    kind    gentleman,    Mister    Togo," 


i8  LETTERS  OF  A 

she  beseech.     "Yes,  you  can  come  often  for  lone 
some  call." 

"Thank  you,  sir,"  I  say,  "you  are  regardless. 
I  come  so  often  kitchen  duties  prevent  it." 

She  give  me  smiling  expression  peculiar  to 
American  lady  of  any  oldness. 

"Tell  me  this  answer,"  she  inquisitive  softly. 
"What  qualities  in  myself  make  you  such 
admiration  ?" 

"  I  admire  you  because  of  Japanese,"  I  response. 
"  For  in  Japan  we  are  taught  to  reverence  the  Old 
Age." 

She  throw  Humply  Ward  book  to  me,  then 
strike  me  with  lamp-light.  Fire  extinguished  by 
means  of  Persian  rug  I  retire  to  kitchen  to  make 
my  soul  enquire  about  things. 

Hoping  your  Highness  may  place  this  thoughts 
on  printing-press  without  danger,  and  love  to 
family  and  friends. 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  I  am  taking  lessons  in  harmonica 
playing  of  which  Hospital  nurse  Flynn  is  Prof. 
He  teach  me  national  hymn  of  Hon.  Geo.  M. 
Cohen  entitled  "The  Rag  Which  We  Revere." 
Your  Constitution  must  feel  very  nervous  follow 
ing  that  Cohen  Flag!  H.  T. 


Ill 

THE  YELLOW  PERIL 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  November  22d. 
To  New  York  newspaper  management  and  such 
as  are  doing  it  there. 

DEAR  PRINTER  —  I  am  enjoying  great  poverty 
from  employment  which  is  missing  this  week, 
thank  you. 

This  conversation  for  you  to  listen: 

"Mr.  Togo,  goodbye,  and  be  prompt  in  doing 
so!"  That  spoken  with  screeches  by  Mrs.  C.  W. 
O'Brien,  honourable  lady. 

"Sweet-hearted  Mrs.  Madam,"  I  resume 
to  her,  "why  you  neglect  to  allow  Japanese 
Boy  any  more  wait  on  table-board  at  your 
establishment  ?" 

"Because  this,"  she  demand,  "lazy  stupor  of 
brain  unfit  Japanese  Boy  for  such  jobs.  During 
three  weeks  of  time  you  remain  in  hospital  to  enjoy 
pain.  You  think  of  book  study  more  than  deliver 
ing  soup  to  my  table-eaters.  Some  others  must 
carry  coffee-dish  for  this  employment.  Therefore 
exit  from  these  house!" 

"Thank  you  to  know,  Hon.  Mrs.,"  I  report, 
19 


20  LETTERS  OF  A 

i 

"what  person  shall  obtain  job  when  I  have  went 
from  here?" 

"One  China  boy  I  have  got  him  more  intelligent 
as  you  for  half  price  to  do  it,"  she  refer. 

I  see  plain  truth  to  this.  Looking  to  kitchen  I 
observe  Whang  So,  one  China  boy  of  sinful  profile. 
I  make  race-riot  inside  of  me,  but  peace-treaty 
outside. 

"Honourable  Mrs.  O'Brien,"  I  say  with  smiling 
expression,  "good  day,  so  sorry,  thank  you  so 
much ! "  Then  I  make  quick-step  to  sidewalk  and 
trot-step  to  establishment  of  Jigo  Furo,  Japanese 
hardware. 

"Thank  you  for  something  durable  to  handle," 
I  say  to  this  Jigo  Furo. 

"This  stove-poker  is  recommended  for  all  use," 
he  response.  It  surely  was  truthful.  I  take  it 
away  for  call  on  Mr.  Whang  So,  China  boy  of 
sinful  profile.  He  come  to  door  of  Mrs.  C.  W. 
O'Brien  when  asked  for. 

"Whang  So,  Chinese  puppy-cat,  wherefore  you 
have  national  characteristics  of  one  potato?"  I 
relapse. 

"  You  go  way,  no  good ! "  he  reserve  with  impolite 
expression  of  Oriental. 

For  reply  I  throw  stove-poker  to  neck  of  Whang 
So,  give  him  jiu  jitsu  to  porch  and  tie  him  with 
abominable  pig-tail  to  door  knob  of  Mrs.  C.  W. 


JAPANESE  SCHOv,    1OY  21 

O'Brien  where  he  may  be  found.  This  things  I 
done  to  Whang  So  as  race-riot  to  Chinese  persons 
which  is  no  good  for  America  by  following  statistick: 

1.  They  perform  cleanly-washing  infrequently. 

2.  They    are    back-hand    in    religion,    reform, 

bookkeeping  and  stenography. 

3.  They  teach  poker  game  to  Japanese  Boy. 

4.  They  are  a  Yellow  Peril. 

I  have  given  some  brain-study  to  this  Yellow 
Peril  to  make  sure  it  is  a  bad  blessing  for  these 
Uniteds  State.  It  is.  But  should  we  Americans 
of  all-colour  enjoy  fear  of  such  ?  Answer  is,  No! 
Coreans,  Chinese,  &  Hindus  is  Yellow  Peril.  All 
Japanese  can  defeat  these  easily  with  club-stick. 
We  have  been  there  to  try  it.  If  white  Caucasian 
fear  such  a  Peril  Japanese  will  promise  to  chase  it 
away  for  small  wage-pay.  It  will  be  amusement 
for  Japanese  Boy  who  know  how. 

All  persons  should  be  kept  out  of  this  kindgom 
who  can  not  show  good-coloured  complexions  at 
ship-dock.  Torpedo-fleet,  battle-boat,  dynamite  Oil 
&  congress  should  be  shot  off  to  prevent  landing 
of  such  trash  like  Mr.  Whang  So  and  other  Chinese 
of  yellow  birth.  Coreans,  Siamese,  &  Hindus  must 
also  be  prevented  from  escaping  into  this  country. 
Christian  ships  must  take  these  complexions  back 
to  original  islands  where  they  belongs.  This  is 
best  good  for  all  human  races. 


22  LETTERS  OF  A 

Many  negro  persons  of  Southern  States  is 
also  Yellow  Peril,  but  these  can  not  enjoy 
exclusion,  because  there  is  no  place  to  exclude 
them  to. 

But  Japanese  gentleman,  please,  must  not  be 
written  down  for  this  list.  Derby  hat,  American 
pant,  Tuxedo  overcoat,  have  rendered  him  com 
pletely  white  of  complexion  and  able  to  vote  for 
President  when  asked  to  know  how.  Please  do 
not  include  him  in  Yellow  Peril,  because  he  will 
not  be  there.  He  is  doing  things  by  each  day  that 
makes  folks  white.  Let  Japanese  help  to  do  push- 
out  to  all-coloured  Yellow  Perils  coming  to  this 
country  together  with  others  patriots  of  star-stripe 
banner  Yankee-doodle  dandy,  banzai! 

I  will  speak  to  you  of  two  Yellow  Perils  which 
I  know  of  my  knowledge. 

I  am  acquaintance  of  one  Corean  gentleman 
name  of  Whee  who  reside  in  cellar  of  this  city. 
He  do  not  change  his  clothing  which  is  economical. 
He  sleep  in  soap-box,  but  the  soap  is  missing. 
To  approach  Mr.  Whee  with  hygiene  is  too  danger 
ous  for  good  healthy.  Labouring  Union  do  not 
fear  this  Corean  gentleman,  because  he  shall 
never  take  no  work  from  nobody.  When  not 
hitting  pipe-smoke  this  Whee  man  is  dreaming 
of  ancestors.  He  will  also  be  one  soon.  When  I 
observe  such  Corean  patriot  approaching  to  me 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  23 

I   choose  next  street,  thank  you.     This  man   is 
Yellow  Peril  of  bright  colour. 

In  one  more  cellar,  close  to  where  this  Corean 
citizen  reside,  there  sleep  one  Polish  gentleman 
name  of  Gumowsky.  This  Gumowsky  man  is 
notable  for  forgetfulness  in  washing.  Two  times 
each  year  he  is  removed  by  health  Board,  but  this 
is  of  no  use  for  Mr.  Gumowsky  who  make  financial 
income  collecting  second-handed  cigarettes. 
When  he  obtain  sufficient  whiskey-drunk  there  is 
warcry  from  his  downstairs  residence  and  which 
ever  furniture  he  can  discover  to  break  is  throwed 
on  street  to  strike  by-passing  pedestrians.  Mr. 
Gumowsky  is  not  good  gentleman  to  inhabit  this 
American  country.  He  is  a  Yellow  Peril  of  dark 
colour,  because  soiled. 

Which  is  more  better  citizen,  thank  you  -- 
Whee  of  opium  smoking  and  Gumowsky  of 
whiskey-drunking  or  Japanese  Boy  of  derby  hat, 
frockaway  coat  and  all  other  white  manners  of 
civilizedation  ? 

On  evening  time  of  last  Thursday  night  Japan 
ese  branch  of  Chinese  Exclusion  League  meet  for 
church  social  at  Asiatic  M.  E.  Church  where  good 
time  were  enjoyed  there.  My  cousin  Nogi  took  as 
escort  Miss  Mabel  Sanjijo  who  he  are  engaged  to 
marry  when  divorced.  I  delivered  to  this  gaiety 
Miss  Alice  Furioki  pleasant  young  lady  of  yellow 


24  LETTERS  OF  A 

extraction.  All  Japanese  Boys  was  present  with 
other  national  ladies.  Rev.  Hon.  Chillworthy, 
American  missionary,  make  all  happy  by  com 
ing  late. 

Japanese  Boy  Male  Quartette  open  excitement 
by  songing,  "I  love  you  the  same  long  years  ago 
when  first  I  meet  you  on  the  village  green."  Song- 
ing  listened  at  with  patience  by  all.  Japanese 
solo  was  next  performed  on  phonograf.  Arthur 
Kickahajama,  missionary  boy,  do  card-trick  for 
excitement  of  amusement.  Then  we  enjoy  "  post- 
office"  game  to  practise  kissing,  American  salute. 
When  this  was  subsided  I  made  so  nervous  as  to 
read  following  poetickal  thought: 

ADDRESS    TO  CONGRESS   ABOUT  STOP-OFF    OF 
YELLOW  PERIL 

Make  it  hard  for  Chinese  to  come  in,  please, 

Make  it  nice  and  easy  for  stay  out. 
Punish  naughty  China  for  that  sin,  please, 
^_     Show  what  for  you  mean  such  things  about. 
Chop  chop  head  of  Chinese  immigration. 

Bang-up  foolish  pigtail  cooley-man, 
Keep  such  Yellow  Peril  from  your  nation. 

(That  give  room  for  persons  from  Japan.) 

Swift-kick  China  off  your  map, 
Shake-shake  smile  for  glad-hand  Jap! 

Ship  the  negro  person  to  some  island  — 
That  will  solve  one  problem  pretty  quick. 

Make  the  Injuns  live  upon  a  highland 

Scared  for  to  come  down  by  that  Big  Stick. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  25 

Shoot  the  no-good  Russian  off  this  nation, 
Send  the  black-hand  Dago  back  to  Rome; 

Clean  this  land  of  foreign  immigration  — 
Then  the  Japanese  Boy  feel  at  home. 

Shoot  the  Yellow  Peril  —  boom !  — 
Then  the  Jap  Boy  have  more  room. 

After  this  rhythm  Rev.  Hon.  Mr.  Chillworthy 
nearly  made  talk-speech.  He  was  just  saying 
it  about  "Higher  Life  for  Japanese  Boy"  when 
something  happen  which  was  too  bad.  Whang  So, 
China  boy,  enter  with  two  cousins,  Whang  Get 
and  Whang  Gee.  There  was  up-jump  for  all. 
Banzais  could  be  seen  everywhere  as  chandeliers, 
etc.,  flew  to  heads  of  China  boys  while  those 
nationality  was  departing  through  windows. 
After  these  Chinese  Exclusion  act  was  performed 
this  church  sociable  busted  up  with  prayers  and 
ice  cream. 

Hoping  you    are   the   same,       Yours   truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  Mr.  Editor,  would  you  put  following 
wedding  notice  in  paper  of  yours  ? 

"Mr.  Hashimura  Togo  of  Kobe,  Japan,  will  be 
marriaged  to  Miss  Alice  Furioki  of  Tokyo,  same 
place,  ceremony  to  be  had  at  Asiatic  M.  E.  Church, 
S.  F.  This  excitement  will  take  place  when  job 
is  found  for  Japanese  Boy  which  is  not  now 
doing  so." 


IV 

LADY    SUFFERGETTES    AND    HOW    THEY  DO    IT 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  December  I2th. 
Editor    "New    York    newspaper   who   enjoys   great 
delight    while    reading     all    poetry    &    story 
writings  which  he  send  back  to  Author  with 
smiling  excuses  : 

DEAREST  SIR  —  What  say  that  great  poeter, 
Hon.  Sir  Walter  Scotch,  about  ladies  ?  He  say 
as  follows: 

"O  ladies,  during  idle  moments 
Inclined  to  make  coyness  with  giggly  expression, 
Yet   when    sick-sorrow   time    of  brain-ache    come  along 
You  are  very  skilful  about  being  an  Angel!" 

Since  my  loving  engagement  to  Miss  Alice 
Furioki  I  got  good  chance  to  study  them  Ladies. 

Ladies,  Mr.  Editor,  is  nearly  always  female  by 
sex.  This  is  a  very  universal  custom.  Therefore, 
since  original  date  of  Eve  &  Adam  ladies  of  female 
gander  has  been  accustomed  to  drudgeness  and 
downtroddery  all  time.  Ladykind  has  been  slave 
of  gentlemankind  from  I  o'clock  of  history  to 
present  date;  they  has  been  personal  dry-goods  of 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  27 

them  tyrants  of  male  descent  without  no  privileges 
except  following: 

1.  To  tell    husband  what-time  to  get  up  by 

morning. 

2.  To  demand  him,  Why  no  come  home  earlier 

by  evenings  ? 

3.  To  require,  "What  drunk  are  you  carrying 

on  breath  ?" 

4.  To  save  wages  for  him  by  spending  it. 

5.  To  take  him  to  theatrical  plays  for  educating 

of  brain. 

6.  To  select  more  fashionable  friends  for  him. 

7.  To  explain   to   him  when  he  is  foolish  in 

business. 

8.  To  select  Presidents,  Congressmen,  Mayors, 

etc.,  for  which  he  must  vote  it. 

After  doing  them  slavery  for  such  numberous 
looos  of  year,  all  human  ladies  is  suddenly  enjoy 
ing  angry  rage  about  them  downtroddery.  They 
wish  to  do  some  poll-voting  for  therselves,  because 
husbands  is  frequently  forgetful  about  how  to  do 
it;  and  thus  wrong  persons  is  often  elect  to  be 
President. 

So  considerable  Suffergetting  is  being  did  by 
ladies  who  learn  to  do  it. 

Suffergetting  immigrate  to  this  U.  S.  by  boat 
from  London  where  it  is  always  spoken  with  a 


28  LETTERS  OF  A 

English  accent,  or  it  is  bogus  and  cannot  be 
admitted  to  respectable  jails.  Any  young  lady  of 
35  years  time  can  learn  to  Suffergette  if  she  is  quiet 
about  it  and  listen  to  speaker  while  she  is  being 
arrested.  This  is  how  to  do  it  most  often: 

English  lady  of  name  Mrs.  Wellington  Boots 
arrive  to  America  dressed  silently  in  pink  opera 
cloak  with  white  ostrich  in  hat.  She  proceeds 
herself  quietly  to  Carnegie  library,  beating  tunes 
on  bass  drum  for  fear  someone  might  notice  her. 
On  steps  of  that  learned  bookery  she  array  her 
feetsteps  and  make  following  speech: 

"Oh!!" 

With  immediate  quickness  platoon  of  police 
make  military  formation,  reserves  is  brought  out, 
still  alarm  for  State  Militia  and  half-holiday  is 
called  in  all  dressmakers'  establishments.  Dele 
gates  arrive  from  Daughters  of  Rebecca,  Neices 
of  American  Revolution,  little  Mothers'  Associa 
tion,  etc.  while  Hon.  Mrs.  Boots  pull  herself  to 
complete  tallness  and  say, 

"Fellow  Sisters,  let  us  arise  up  and  smite  it! 
Already  we  are  ten  million  strong,  and  I  see  Con 
gressman  Carrie  Jones  approaching  with  4  nurse- 
girls  and  2  lady-cashiers,  which  makes  us  6  stronger 
than  we  was.  Let  us  forward,  then,  to  Liberty 
or  somewhere.  Let  us  make  such  a  race-riot 
around  that  Gentleman  Tyrant  that  Heaven  shall 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  29 

be  punctuated  with  screams  and  Earth  shall  be 
scattered  with  hair-pins." 

So  procession  of  Lady  Suffergettes  make  for 
ward  motion  in  publick  street.  Following  is  line 
of  marching  which  they  keeps: 

First  Division.  Hon.  Mrs.  Boots,  Judge  Ethel 
Johnson,  Congressmen  Carrie  Jones  &  Lily 
McGee,  Major  Gen.  Birdie  Chowinsky.  These 
eminent  statesladies  is  mounted  on  red  automobiles 
and  carry  one  delicious  canary-colour  Suffergette 
flag  embroideries  of  organization-motto  "Dux  et 
Draco"  and  trimmed  with  tucks  and  real  Irish 
lace. 

Second  Division.  Composed  of  Salvation  Army 
ladies'  Cornet  Band  which  is  playing  "Every 
Day  is  Ladies'  Day  with  Us." 

Third  Division.  Woman's  Temperance  Race 
Suicide  Union  carrying  motto  "Let  the  Men  Bear 
the  Children!" 

Fourth  Division.  Representators  of  the  ex- 
Housewives'  Association  in  carriages  saying  some 
thing  serious  to  each  others. 

Fifth  Division.  Cavalry  Troup  of  Lady  Cow 
boys  giving  examples  of  rude  riding. 

Sixth  Division.  One  Gentleman  Suffergette 
on  foot  burdened  with  motto  4<A  Man  's  a  Man 
for  a'  That." 


30  LETTERS  OF  A 

Seventh  Division.  Patrol  wagons  full  of  police- 
mans  with  dutiful  expressions. 

After  they  have  did  some  J  hour  of  marching, 
enthusiastick,  etc.,  Congressman  Carrie  Jones  say 
to  Hon.  Mrs.  Boots,  "Where  shall  we  go  to  demand 
it?" 

"Let  us  gone  to  Parliament,"  decry  this  Mrs. 
Boots  who  know  how-so  to  do  it  in  England. 

"So  sorry  not  to  do!"  collapse  several  ladies  in 
unicorn.  "We  have  not  got  a  Parliament  in  this 


town." 


"Such  an  irritant!  what  a  nation!"  deploy  Hon. 
Mrs.  Boots.  "Then  let  us  gone  to  City  Hall." 

So  ice-cream  soda  refreshment  is  enjoyed  by  all 
and  procession  makes  onwards  to  City  Hall  where 
it  stops  itself.  Loud  rapping  on  door  of  this 
temple  by  all  present. 

"No  admittance  to  come  in!"  say  voice  which  is 
inside  trembling. 

"We  require  to  see  Hon.  Mayor  so  that  we  can 
receive  our  rights,  please,"  says  Mrs.  Boots  with 
accent. 

"No  goods  delivered  till  after  lunch,  thank 
you,"  say  that  voice  from  inside.  "  Hon.  Mayor  is 
outside  eating  it." 

"Then  let  us  have  Dist.  Attorney,  please!" 
peruse  that  chorus. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  31 

"No,  ma'am,  not  to  do!"  dictate  voice.  "Hon. 
Dist.  Attorney  is  outside  drinking  it." 

(Patrol  wagons  stand  by  with  respectable 
salutes.) 

Loud  reports  from  all  lady  Suffergettes.  For 
ward  march !  Door  is  smashy  open  and  all  mingle 
inside  that  City  Hall  filling  it  with  female  political 
noises.  Mayor  office  is  found  vacated.  Nothing 
in  Hon.  Dist.  Attorney  office  except  empty  arm 
chairs.  Marriage  Licence  Bureau  locked  with  key. 
Nothing  to  resemblance  of  Man  is  discovered 
inside  that  City  Hall. 

But  No!  One  timid  gentleman  is  found  in  City 
Treasury  office  hiding  in  safe.  It  is  the  Janitor 
who  is  praying  with  voice,  "  Please  to  avoid  injury 
me  —  I  am  married  to  a  wife." 

Janitor  is  permitted  to  go  free,  thank  you, 
because  of  female  relations.  Meeting  is  then  held 
in  office.  Hon.  Mrs.  Boots  is  elect  Mayor  pro  tern. 
till  arrival  of  Chief  of  Police  when  all  enjoy  arrest 
and  is  taken  to  Hon.  Jail. 

At  Hon.  Jail  Hon.  Mrs.  Boots,  Judge  Ethel 
Johnson  and  Major  Gen.  Birdie  Chowinsky  is 
given  comfortable  cell  on  Murderers'  Row  along 
with  6  Insurance  Directors,  3  Congressmen,  i 
Mayor,  and  i  Boy  Millionaire  who  shot 
another  gentleman  under  very  fashionable  cir 
cumstances. 


LETTERS  OF  A 


o 


Tea  is  served  in  cell  and  lady  Suffergettes  receive 
all-kind  friends  which  come  to  congratulate  them 
about  being  there.  American  jails  is  becoming  too 
exclusive  of  lately.  Persons  must  be  very  rich 
or  very  famous,  or  else  talented  in  some  other  way, 
to  be  locked  up  with  all  them  there  financiers. 

Every  time  I  see  patrol  wagon  making  gallop-off 
to  jail  I  am  excited  to  know  if  it  is  full  of  Suffer 
gettes  or  if  it  contain  another  load  of  Trust  Co. 
Presidents. 

I  tell  my  cousin  Nogi  about  that  Suffergette 
procession  the  same  I  told  you  about. 

"It  can  not  be  true,  because  it  is  n't,"  he  com 
mit  for  pride. 

"Why-so  not  so  ?"  I  recoil  of  contempt  for  short 
intelligence. 

"Because  thus,"  he  say  it,  "because  in  this 
America  no  real  lady  can  get  arrested  for  nothing 
she  does,  no  matter  how  much  she  does  it. 
America  mans  is  weak  from  chivalry  whenever 
their  wifes  &  grandmothers  needs  to  be  arrested. 
Besides  something  more.  Would  Hon.  Gov. 
Hughes  arrest  1,000  ladies  for  going  to  Albany  with 
request,  please,  to  be  allowed  to  vote  for  him? 
Would  Hon.  Jo-uncle  Cannon  ring  for  police-cart 
because  Suffergettes  bust  into  Congress  to  exclam, 
'We  want  ballot-box  to  fill-up  with  sympathy  for 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  33 

Jo-uncle  Cannon  ?'  Would  them  candidates  call 
for  law  to  protect  gray  hairs  from  this  ?  Answer  is, 
No!  Votes  is  votes,  whether  they  got  skirts  on  or 
something  else,  Washington  is  a  very  comfortable 
place  for  persons  of  either  gander  or  sex  to  go  ask 
ing  for  privilege  to  vote;  for  nearly  everybody  is  a 
candidate  in  Washington." 

"Nogi,  you  are  accused  of  being  a  Suffergette!" 
I  collapse  for  disgust. 

"  I  am  not-so  that,"  renig  this  Nogi  with  blushes, 
"but  Miss  Mabel  Sanjijo  enjoys  such  a  member 
ship." 

"Will  she  join  lady-excursion  to  Suffergette  in 
Washington  on  March  3?"  is  next  question 
for  me. 

"Yes-so  —  if  she  can  borrow  it  for  carfare," 
this  from  Nogi.  "If  she  can  not  do  she  will  stay 
at  home  &  give  Hon.  Pres.  Roosevelt  absent 
treatment." 

"Will  Hon.  Pres.  Roosevelt  add  Suffergette 
plank  to  Hon.  Republican  platform?"  I  ask  to 
know. 

"O  probably  yes-so!"  say  Nogi.  "He  have 
added  everything  else  to  that  platform.  Why-so 
should  he  pause  at  them  ladies  ?" 

"What  did  Suffergette  Delegation  which  visited 
Albany  bring  back  from  that  tour  ?"  I  decry. 

'They  brung  back  souvenir  photo  representing 


34  LETTERS  OF  A 

one  Statesman  peeking  through  brush-heap.  On 
this  was  wrote,  'Choose  Hughes  &  You  Can  not 
Lose.'  This  was  took  as  good-luck  sign  for  all 
Suffergettes." 

I  am  disgust  of  so  much  back-talk. 

"One  last  reply  I  make,"  I  say.  "Female 
ladies  can  not  make  success  of  it  in  middle  of 
Politicks.  Shall  we  send  old  women  to  U.  S. 
Senate?" 

"Why  not-so?"  negotiate  Nogi.  "If  Hons. 
Platt  &  Depew  remain  there  so  long  will  i  or  2 
extra  old  ladies  be  conspicuous  for  notice  ?" 

Here  is  some  delicious  poem  for  you  to  abuse: 

ALLEGORICAL  NATURE  FAKE  ABOUT  JAPANESE 

STORK-BIRD 
BUN-BUN 
SAKI-RUN, 
Listen  to  the  sing  I  song! 

In  Yeddo, 

About  7063  B.  c. 

There  dwell  in  suburban  section 

On  roof-top  chimbley  of  house 

On  street 

One  couple  of  legitimate  Stork-birds 

What  was  just  like  anybody. 

All  day  Hon.  Mrs.  Stork-bird 

Lie  eggs 

And  look  at  Yeddo  persons 

With  kind  of  smile. 

All  day  Hon.  Mr.  Stork-bird 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  35 

Go  down  town  to  transaction  of  business  with  salooners  and 

other  drunk. 
He  vote, 
He  work 

He  come  home  at  night 
When  not  forgetting  to  do  so. 

BUN-BUN 

SAKI-RUN, 

Listen  to  the  sing  I  song! 

One  Thursday  afternoon 
Mrs.  Stork-bird  enjoyed  one  thought 
(Which  was  very  scarcely  found  in  them  days) 
"Gentlemen  Stork  make  vote, 
Lady  Stork  make  egg. 
So  fierce  to  think ! 

Why  should  not  Lady  Stork  make  conversation 
And  Gentleman  Stork  attend  to  population  ? 
I  ask  to  know! 
Therefore,  why  ?" 
So,  after  she  had  finished 
Household  duties  of  afternoon, 
Hon.  Mrs.  Stork-bird 
Flap-fly  to  chimney  residence 
Of  considerable  other  Stork-birds 
Of  Yeddo. 

To  other  lady  Stork-birds  she  deply, 
"Come  off  it! 
Liberty,  eggality,  affinity 
Is  pass-key  word 
For  downtroddy  female! 

Therefore,  let  us  begin  high-fly  with  superior  intellects  of  pre 
cinct-leaders  &  Republican  caucases!" 
Yet  all  Lady  Storks  deplore, 
"What  shall  we  do  with  eggs,  please  ?" 


36  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

"Drop  eggs!'*  say  Mrs.  Stork-bird; 
"Hon.  Husbands  can  took  care  of  eggs 
If  they  is  so  bright  about  things." 

BUN-BUN 

SAKI-RUN, 

Listen  to  the  sing  I  song! 

Lady-storks  all  desugerated 

To  sky-high. 

They  all  run  country  for  28  annual  years, 

Elected  Board  of  Supervisors 

And  did  very  happy  job  of  politicks. 

Gentleman  Storks,  who  was  discouraged, 

Sat  on  nests, 

But  with  such  unhappiness  of  result! 

At  last  one  day  people  of  Yeddo 

Look  up  and  decry, 

"Where  is  all  Stork-birds  went? 

My  sakes!! 

All  nests  diserted  from, 

No  youthful  Stork-birds  to  see  — 

Depopulatiousness  must  set  in 

Without  eggs  !  !  " 

And  so  it  was  as  true, 

No  eggs, 

No  storks  — 

All  off! 

BUN-BUN 

SAKI-RUN, 

Listen  to  the  sing  I  song! 

This  will  make  very  sad  song  for  harmonica, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURATOGO, 


THE  FINANCIAL  BREAKDOWN 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  January 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper,  whichever 
gentleman  or  gentlemans  does  such  useful 
work  there. 

HON.  MR.  SIR  — This  U.  S.  Kingdom,  Mr. 
Editor,  is  now  at  present  enjoying  great  panic 
of  banking  business.  I  do  not  participate  in  this 
calamity,  because  I  am  making  less  salary  than 
required  for  banking  surplus.  Therefore  I  am  not 
objecting  to  present  money  shake-down  except 
because  I  have  none,  and  yet  frequently  I  hear 
of  stock-jump  falling  down  grade  until  it  is 
broken  and  useless  for  finance.  Yes,  also  several 
banking-business  go  under.  "Under  what?" 
is  question  for  me.  For  reply  I  hear  each  get- 
poor  gentleman  say  "Wall  Street,"  pointing  to 
Augustus  Heinz  on  map. 

This  thoroughfare,  Wall  Street,  must  be  magnifi 
cent  place  for  some  persons  to  enjoy.  My 
Cousin  Nogi  explain  how  about  that  avenue. 
"That  is  very  rich  place  for  gilding,"  he  response, 
"each  sidewalk  there  is  paved  with  gold  money 

37 


38  LETTERS  OF  A 

which  broker  gentlemen  do  not  care  for.  Stock 
exchange  and  many  banking  establishments  there 
are  constructed  solidly  of  gold-brick." 

"Nogi,"  I  relate,  "you  often  know  something. 
Thank  you  to  answer  5  questions  which  I  have 
prepared  upon  letter-paper  for  reply." 

"Relate  such  troubles  to  some  editors,"  say 
Nogi  taking  derby  to  go  call  on  Miss  Mabel  San- 
jijo  which  he  is  engaged  to  marry  when  divorced. 
Therefore  I  supply  those  5  questions  about 
Financial  trouble  for  you  to  look  at,  Mr.  Sir: 

1.  When    Stocks    makes    upstart    motion    why 
do  it  act  so  rather  than  stand  stationary  ? 

2.  When   Stocks   makes   downstart   movement, 
what  for  is  the  reason  and  what  would  stop  it  ? 

3.  Some  gentlemen  is  called  "broker" — what 
does  he  break  to  get  such  names  ? 

4.  When  money  is  lost  in  Wall  St.  can  this  be 
recovered  by  advertising  in  newspaper? 

5.  Can    you    give    Japanese    Boy    name    and 
address  of  some  honourable  gentleman  who  might 
tell    accurately   what   time   some   stocks   will   be 
making  upstart  movement  soon  ? 

Why  do  bank-houses  burst  ?  That  is  more 
easy  answer  than  those  questions  about  Wall  St. 
jumping  of  stocks.  Banks  burst  because  there 
is  nothing  inside  and  pressure  from  outside 
causes  cave  in  of  walls.  Why  is  there  nothing  in 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  39 

banks  when  so  bursted  ?  Because  persons  makes 
runnings  on  these  banks  in  order  to  take  outside 
what  is  inside.  Maybe  one  man  have  $1,000  in 
this  bank-house.  He  go  around  to  that  place 
to  see  if  these  money  is  comfortable  there. 

"  Is  my  thousand  dollar  remaining  comfortable 
in  this  deposit  ?"  he  require  of  Hon.  Pay-Teller. 

"Yes,  please,"  respond  this  Financier,  "all 
such  moneys  is  right  deposited  where  put." 

"Thanks  to  know,  Mr.  Banker,"  retort 
American  gentleman.  "If  you  please,  permit 
me  to  carry  it  from  places  to  places  in  my  pocket 
which  I  have." 

"You  are  obliged  to  it,"  demand  them  Pay- 
Teller,  and  take  $1,000  from  deposit,  where  was,  to 
pocket  of  American  gentleman,  where  is.  Soonly 
numberous  American  gentlemans  learn  about 
take-out  of  $1,000,  so  all  make  running-stampede 
to  bank-house  where  they  say  to  Pay-Teller: 

"Give  us  each  $1,000  to  carry  from  places  to 
places  in  our  pockets  which  we  have  in  our 
clothes!" 

"You  are  obliged  to  it,"  response  the  Pay- 
Teller.  So  he  deposit  $1,000  to  all  persons  until 
bank-house  bursts  down  and  Wall  St.  enjoys 
frequent  panic  of  fear. 

This  show  plainly  that  bank-houses  bursting 
is  blame  of  people  who  do  it. 


40  LETTERS  OF  A 

Rich  men  enjoying  poverty  are  much  stabbed 
by  financial  breaking.  Poor  men  enjoying  large 
incomes  of  money  are  not  so  stung. 

To  avoid  financial  panic  therefore  persons 
should  have  too  much  wealthy  for  this.  How  to 
get  this  money  is  question  for  Japanese  Boy. 
How  did  each  great  American  gentleman  acquire 
such  millions  ?  If  Japanese  Boy  could  know 
how,  he  might  follow  example  of  Industry 
Captains  and  get  exhalted  likewise.  So  I  put 
on  my  derby  to  discover  about  this  success  in 
business. 

To  Hon.  Mr.  Strunsky  who  keep  saloon  I  go 
with  enquiry.  Like  all  Irish  gentlemen  Mr. 
Strunsky  is  sweethearted  when  not  enjoying 
angry  fit. 

"Tell  me  to  know,  Hon.  Strunsky,"  I  examine, 
"how  do  this  Rockefeller  acquire  such  many 
things?" 

"He  is  successful  in  grafting,"  response  Mr. 
Strunsky. 

"Thank  you  to  response  how  Hon.  Harriman 
also  do  so  ?"  I  talk. 

"He  is  fine  grafter,"  suggest  this  Irish 
gentleman. 

"In  what  profession  do  Hon.  Hill,  Hon.  Law- 
son  &  Hon.  Rodgers  train  themselves  for  it?" 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  41 

"Graft!"  response  Mr.  Strunsky  making 
blinking  motion  of  eye. 

Thanks  so  much  to  Mr.  Strunsky  I  go  away 
improved.  I  have  now  choosen  career  to  which 
I  shall  apply  my  mental  thought.  Grafting 
profession  is  good  thing  for  Japanese  Boy  to  learn 
because  this  lead  to  famous  success  and  renown 
in  American  life.  Maybe  I  go  back  Japan  and 
teach  this  knowledge  in  University  of  Tokyo. 

To  become  great  famous  like  Rockefeller,  etc., 
must  require  so  much  book-study  of  grafting. 
Where  to  get  such  books?  Walter  W.  Shoji, 
who  study  learning  at  California  university,  say 
that  grafting  is  sometime  teached  by  professors 
together  with  law-courses.  I  go  to  S.  F.  public 
library  &  there  find  volumes  about  farming, 
architecture,  warfare,  arithmetic,  socialism  & 
religion,  but  no  book  to  tell  how  grafting  should 
be  done  by  a  beginner  wishing  to  do  so. 

Many  persons  speak  of  Hon.  Abe  Reuff,  now 
residing  in  jail,  as  grafter.  This  do  not  be  so. 
Grafters  are  famous  gentlemen,  and  therefore 
must  be  great  &  good.  This  Hon.  Reuff  is  not 
so,  for  why  would  he  be  there  in  that  jail  then  ? 
He  is  so  caged  up  for  dishonestness.  I  would  not 
study  grafting  of  dishonest  man,  because  he 
might  not  teach  me  right.  What  did  Wm. 


42  LETTERS  OF  A 

Shakespeare,  the  great  book-maker,  say  so  ?    "Act 
well  your  part,  others  take  notice." 

Hon.  Sir,  do  you  pay  cash-money  for  poetical 
thought  like  following  rhythm  ? 

POETRr  REQUESTING  HON.  F.  AUGUSTUS 
HEINZ  TO  TEACH  GRAFTING  TO  JAPANESE 
SCHOOLBOr 

Noble  man,  you  tell  me  so 
Something   I   require  to  know? 
Where  I  go  and  what  I  do 
Learn  be  wealthy  man  like  you  ? 

Money-king 

Pulling  string, 

Up-stock,  down-stock,  everything! 

Many  person  say  to  me, 
"Save  your  money  like  John  D."  — 
Have  to  save  much  long  to  get 
Hundred  million  dollar  yet! 

Start  too  late, 

No  can  wait 

Save  up  cash  at  such  slow  rate. 

Other  person  speak  more  frank, 
"Go  take  shoot-gun,  hold  up  bank." 
That  way  sinful,  for  I  know 
Honest  Grafter  not  do  so. 


Where  you  take 

What  you  make  ? 

Tell  me  how  for  mercy  sake! 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  43 

Some  folks  say,  "It  not  wise  plan 
Get-rich-quick    from    stock-talk   man." 
John   get-rich-quick    by   such   game  — 
Why  not  Jap  Boy  do  the  same  ? 

One  —  two  —  three, 

Out  goes  he  — 

John  stay  in  (that  place  for  me!) 

Tell  me,  please,  what  thing  I  need, 
What  course  study,  what  book  read, 
Make  Success  of  all  can  do, 
Be  Great  Grafter  same  like  you  ? 

Be  great  man, 
Make  all  can, 
Teach  this  Graft  to  dear  Japan. 

Arthur  Kickahajama,  missionary  boy,  come 
me  to-day  and  make  tearful  cries  because  I  have 
decided  to  be  Grafter  instead  of  learning  mission 
ary  job.  When  he  know  that  I  am  firmtooth  to 
my  purpose  he  tell  me  this  story  about  antique 
Japan: 

Seven  million  years  previously  to  the  present 
Japan  dynasty  the  great  philosopher  Nichi 
Nichi  sat  down  to  make  fishing-sport  by  small 
stream-creek  of  Yeddo.  While  engaged  in  put 
ting  angly-worm  bait  on  fish-hook  he  look  down 
in  stream-creek  and  observe  twelve  thousand 
sucker-fish  in  water  making  eye-wink  at  angly- 
worm  bait. 


44  LETTERS  OF  A 

"This  would  be  remarkable  luck  for  Japanese 
fisherman,"  he  respond,  dipping  angly-worm  in 
puddle.  But  sucker-fish  no  care  for  diet  just  then 
and  perch  on  bottom  making  smiles  through  gills. 

Nichi  Nichi  is  excited  by  obstinacy  of  sucker- 
fish.  He  put  on  caterpillar-bait.  Nothing  to  do. 
He  try  corn-beef  diet  for  fishes.  They  refusal, 
thank  you.  He  spit  on  bait  to  bring  favour  of 
fish-god.  Sucker-fish  not  care  for  this  pains 
taking,  howeverly. 

Then  philosopher  Nichi  Nichi  enjoy  angry  rage 
throwing  fish-pole  to  grass,  tearing  beard  and 
speeching  these: 

"O  tell  me,  sucker-fish,  is  it  not  truth  that  you 
are  reputed  most  easy 'of  all  fish  that  practise 
swimming  in  these  brook  near  Yeddo?" 

And  them  twelve  thousand  sucker-fish,  making 
smiles  through  gills,  raise  fins  to  universal  sky 
and  response, 

"Oh  Nichi  Nichi,  philosopher,  we  are  that." 

"Then  tell  me  to  know,  idiotic  waggle-tails, 
why  you  no  care  for  delicious  baits  I  provide  for 
eating  ? " 

"Because  this,"  reject  all  them  fish  together 
flipping  tails  to  dog-star,  "we  have  ate  them  baits 
before  —  caterpillar,  angly-worm,  corn-beef — we 
have  ate  and  been  catched  by  those.  Never  again, 
thank  you  so  much." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  45 

"Oh,  quite  well!"  exclamation  that  great  man. 
'Then    I    shall    offer   you    some    new    rare    bait 
which  fishes  shall  eat  only  this  once  time,  because 
so  scarce  to  get." 

With  these  remark  the  wise  Nichi  Nichi  take 
all  baits  off  from  hook.  Then  he  drop  bare  hook 
in  stream.  All  them  sucker-fish  cease  to  smile 
with  gills  and  make  hungry  grab  at  hook,  because 
this  (they  thinked  to  themselves)  was  such  rare 
chance. 

As  consequence  of  this  excitement  Nichi  Nichi 
catch  12,000  sucker-fish  in  i  hour  20  minutes. 
These  he  made  into  canned  salmon  and  grow  very 
wealthy  from  such  a  Graft. 

At  time  of  death-bed  he  remarked  to  wife  and 
children,  "It  would  be  sinful  to  waste  good  Bait 
on  poor  Fishes." 

So  this  proverb  is  pasted  on  all  important 
Japanese  tombs  to-day: 

"The  gods  have  fixed  the  little  brooks  so  that 
one  sucker-fish  is  born  each  minute  by  clock- 
time.  Who  shall  catch  him,  you  or  I  ?" 

Hoping    your    printing-factory    is    doing    good 
by  all  news  and  best  wishes  to  friends, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA    TOGO. 


VI 

HON.   NIGGERS,   WAS   THEY     FREED     BY     LINCOLN  ! 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  Jan.  29th. 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  where  Truth 
is  oftenly  found  on  shrines  &  Virtue  sets  in 
very  comfortable  rocking-chair. 

DEAREST  SIR  —  Japanese  Schoolboys  does  not 
addict  therselves  to  gleeful  laugh  of  mirth,  because 
some  Noble  Thought  might  escape  away  never  to 
be  catched.  What  say  American  songer,  Hon. 
Seth  Lowell,  about  almanac: 

"What  is  so  scarce  as  a  day  in  June?" 

Answer  is :  A  Noble  Thought  is  more  scarcer ! 

And  yet  this  morning-time  I  was  uttering  several 
gleeful  screams  which  was  unavoidable  to  dodge. 
Editorial  of  newspaper-print  say,  "  Hon.  Jo-uncle 
Cannon  must  be  voted  for  because  of  face  which 
have  close  shave  to  that  of  Hon.  Abraham  Lin 
coln/'  Then  I  was  to  blame  for  them  mirth- 
fulness  which  almost-so  cause  race-riot  in  Japanese 
section. 

It  has  become  fashionable  in  this  kingdom, 
Mr.  Editor,  for  candidates  wishing  to  become 
President  to  resemble  Hon.  Abraham  Lincoln  so 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  4? 

closely  as  possible  to.  This  is  frequently  difficult. 
Hon.  Cannon  is  like  Hon.  Lincoln  to  roots  of 
whiskers,  but  them  foliage  does  not  indicate  very 
much  about  what  is  going  on  inside  of  soul. 
Difference  between  Hon.  Lincoln  and  Hon. 
Cannon  is  difference  between  high-thinking  and 
high-tariff.  Resemblance  of  them  two  great 
Statesmen  is  only  chin-deep.  I.  Anazuma,  Jap 
anese  barber,  say-how  that  expressions  of  Hon. 
Fairbanks  &  Hon.  Hughes  could  be  changed  by 
trimming  to  make  look-like  of  Hon.  Lincoln.  I 
am  alarmed  to  think.  Perhaps-so  that  famous 
globe-racer,  Hon.  Taft,  might  be  also  arranged 
over  in  some  way,  but  would  he  not  lose  con 
siderable  solid  Japanese  vote  in  doing  thus? 
I  am  amazed  to  reply. 

Maybe  it  would  be  more  human-natural  for 
candidates  wishing  to  enjoy  election  to  hire  from 
some  costumer  following  masquerade: 

Hon.  Cannon  disguised  as  Abraham  Lincoln. 

Hon.  Taft  disguised  as  Bismarck. 

Hon.  Hughes  disguised  as  Viscount  Aoki. 

Hon.  Cortelyou  disguised  as  John  Drew. 

Hon.  Bryan  disguised  as  Elbert  Hubbard. 

Hon.  Fairbanks  disguised  as  Uriah  Heep. 

Them  costumes  might  be  payed  for  by  Campaign 
Contributions,  but  will  they  ?  Wall  Street  regard 
bribing  as  sinful  during  depression  of  hard  times. 


48  LETTERS  OF  A 

Before  leaving  off  from  Tokyo  for  these 
Uniteds  State  I  was  considerably  weeped 
over  by  my  Rev.  Grandfather,  Japanese  of 
elderly  principles  who  say-so  to  me,  "Togo, 
you  are  going  to  that  wild  kingdom  of  America 
which  is  very  full  of  savage  Christians.  Do 
not  go  to  Indiana  because  Indians  is  found 
there." 

"I  am  disgusted  to  think,"  I  commute.  "What 
shall  I  do  in  this  America  so  as  not  to  disgrace  my 
long  row  of  ancestors?" 

"Find  yourself  some  Ideal,"  corrode  Hon. 
Grandfather.  "Make  pickout  of  some  famous 
American  what  you  can  live  up  to  them. 
Select  to  be  like  George  Washington,  Abraham 
Lincoln,  or  E.  H.  Harriman.  Thank  you  to 
choose." 

So  I  leave  that  dear  ancestor  to  his  rice-cake, 
tea-drunk,  hara-kiri  and  other  old-fashion  Jap 
anese  customs  and  take  Nippon  Maru-boat  for 
America.  When  I  arrive  to  wharf  I  meet  Cousin 
Nogi  and  enquire  to  know. 

"Should  Japanese  Boy  imitate  performances 
of  Hon.  E.  H.  Harriman  in  order  to  become 
immediately  immortal?" 

"Too  dangerous  to  do!"  indicate  this  Nogi 
with  American  eye-wink.  "Hon.  Harriman  is 
now  being  regulated  by  law." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  49 

"How  about  Hon.  Washington  and  Hon. 
Lincoln  to  copy  for  famous  career  ? "  I  magnetize 
for  emotion. 

"Hon.  Washington  could  not  tell  a  lie,  while 
Hon.  Lincoln  was  celebrated  for  gleeful  anecdotes. 
Therefore  Lincoln  was  most  ablest  man  of 
them  two.  Also  because  of  early  struggly  of 
career  he  was  noble  example  for  all  Japanese 
Schoolboys  enjoying  poverty  for  American 
education." 

Then  Cousin  Nogi,  who  is  very  addicted  to 
paragraphs  of  Hon.  Ida  M.  Tarbell,  tell  me 
following  history  of  early  Lincoln: 

"When  Hon.  Abe  Lincoln  enjoy  seven  years  of 
oldness,"  carouse  this  Nogi,  "he  desire  to  be  Presi 
dent  of  these  Uniteds  State  which  was  then  a 
republick  by  government. 

"  '  How  can  you  manage  to  be  this  President 
and  yet  work  on  farm  ?'  his  Rev.  Mother  enquire 

to  know. 

"  '  By  running  odd-jobs  before  times  &  book- 
study  afterwards/  molest  this  youthful  enthusiasm 
with  smiling  expression. 

"  So  with  immediate  quickness  he  obtain  job  of 
employment  mowing  grass,  keeping  books  and 
running  elevator  for  neighbouring  farmer.  He 
also  tilled  some  soil  for  people.  When  not  doing 
this  he  was  studying  'How  to  Be  President/  a 


5o  LETTERS  OF  A 

book  by  George  Washington  who  was  then  enjoy 
ing  pension  for  oldness. 

"In  book-studies  &  job-duties  Hon.  Lincoln 
spend  24  hours  daily.  Balance  of  time  was 
devoted  to  recreations,  sleep  &  other  idleness  of 
amusement.  This  continual  drudgery  of  employ 
ment  teach  that  Lincoln  many  useful  things," 
conduce  Nogi  at  expiration  of  this  history. 

"Ah  yes!"  I  collapse,  "it  teach  him  to  sym 
pathize  for  them  Negroes  who  was  also  enjoying 
slavery." 

I  am  natural  to  ask  question:  Was  it  good  thing 
to  request  them  Negroes  to  stop  slaving  ?  I  have 
required  for  reply  of  several  Japanese  about  this 
Negro  Problemb,  but  they  are  unamerous  to  reply, 
"We  do  not  know  any  such  coloured  acquain 
tances,  thank  you!"  And  they  are  proud  about 
it.  I  wrote  letter  of  this  Question  to  Hon.  Booker 
Washington  who  answered  by  sending  C.  O.  D. 
"How  I  Quit  Being  One,"  a  delightful  volume 
full  of  adjectives.  How  to  know  about  Negro 
Question  then  ? 

I  at  last  become  acquaintance  of  Hon.  J. 
Fortesque  Smith,  Negro-coloured  gentleman  who 
does  mop-work  at  saloon  of  Hon.  Strunsky  who 
runs  it.  If  all  Negroes  is  like  this  Smith  it  must 
be  a  talented  race.  So  filled  of  expression  is  his 
performances  on  Edison  phonograph !  With  such 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  51 

raring  pathos  do  he  execute  that  famous  negro 
melody,  "Cheerful  Widow  Waltz"  from  them 
rubber  disks!  By  hour  I  admire  harmonious 
noise  of  Hon.  Smith  and  that  talented  machine 
-then  pretty  soonly  came  around  Hon.  Strunsky 
with  angry  Irish  voice  to  command  more  purchase 
of  beer  or  get-out. 

At  last,  Mr.  Editor,  I  go  around  to  grand  opera 
of  Williams  &  Walker,  and  there  continue  study 
of  Negro  Problemb.  I  was  very  intelligent  about 
this  until  Hon.  Johnson  collapsed  into  raggle-time 
sing-songing  entitled  "Sus-a-OO,  Lu-Lu,  I-a 
want-a  you  too!"  Suddenly  I  discover  my  feets 
performing  jiu  jitsu  with  therselves  under  seat. 
I  rebuke  them  quietly,  but  they  continue  to 
misbehave  until,  at  finally,  they  strike  dark 
clergyman  in  ankle-bone  and  I  am  retired 
from  that  opera  house  after  considerable  race- 
riot. 

O  surely,  it  is  wrong  for  that  Africa  to  teach 
them  diseases  to  Europe  &  Asia!  And  yet  that 
raggle-time  coon-singing  is  a  species  of  chorus 
which  shoots  a  long  distance  into  my  soul.  I  am 
very  earnest  about  this  dark-coloured  harmony 
which  comes  with  such  splandid  spasms  through 
the  shoes  expressing  comic  emotions  as  it  does  so. 
Could  you  send  me  name  and  address  of  some 
talented  Hon.  Coon  who  would  furnish  tune,  rimes, 


52  LETTERS  OF  A 

jokes,  etc.,  for  following  poetical  thought  ?     For 
this  he  will  receive  \  of  what  he  gets. 

COMIC   THOUGHT  SUITABLE  FOR  COON  SONG 
OR  SOME  OTHER  HTMN 

On  America  Maru 
And  on  Nippon  Maru 

(Similar  vapour-boats  determined  to  go  to  Nagasaki 
And  back  again  to  here) 
Many  Japanese  is  discovered 
With  top-up  eye 
And  high-brow  expression. 
"Where  are  you  going,  Japanese  persons?" 
Enquire  sea-rooster  perching  on  coop-deck, 
"Where  are  you  going  with  purse-sack 
So  full  of  nickels  &  dimes  ? 
With  Sunday  go-meeting  clothes  on 
And  such  satisfied  neckties  ?" 
"Oh!" 

Respond  Japanese  in  unison 
And  make  giggly  mirth. 
"Ask  us  to  know!" 

They  are  smiling  through  ears  with  Sherlock  Holmes 
expression. 

Hark   it! 

What  was  that  whistling  motion  of  noise  ? 

Was  it  sea-wind  of  Pacific  ? 

Was  it  typhoon  of  nature  ? 

Or  was  it  Japanese  practising  together 

Tunes    from    "Mikado" 

Of  Hons.  Gilbert  &  Sullivan? 

Teeth  and  nose  of  these  ship, 
Nippon  Maru  and  America  Maru, 
Is  pointed  to  Westward. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  53 

Japan  is  still  somewhere  in  that  direction 

And  numerous  Japanese  is  on  board  this  transportation. 

Why 

Is  such  quantities  of  them 

On  the  passenger-table  ? 

Has  Japanese  immigration 

Gone  burst 

In  California  ? 

Has  Rev.  Mr.  Emperor  of  Japan 

Called  Reserves  back 

For  some  more  handsome  defeat  of  Russia  ? 

Or  what  ? 

(Expression  of  kittenish  foxes  is  indulged  in 

By  all  Japanese  Boys  on  this  ship.) 

"Hon,  Nippon  Maru 

And  Hon.  America  Maru," 

Wirelessly  telegraf  Hon.  Uncle  Sam  from  shore, 

"Where  are  you  going 

Away  from  here 

With  such  heavy  ballast  of  Japanese  ?" 

"Respectable  Uncle," 

Reply  them  ships, 

"We  are  taking  all  Japanese 

Off  of  California. 

They  will  go  Japan, 

They  will  go  Satsuma, 

They  will  settle  themselves  on  Corea 

And  less  disgusting  parts  of  China." 

Pretty  soonly 

All  will  be  depart  from  California. 

Then  who 

To  general  housework,  table-wait,   manufacture   Salomon   in 

cannery,  fruit-pick,  employment  bureau  and  other  useful 

exersises  for  good  of  populus  ? 


54  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

Pretty  soonly  all  America  will  calamity  together, 

"Where  is  them  dear  Japanese 

Went  to?" 

And  Dai  Nippon  with  far-gone  wheeze  will  distant  reply, 

"Away  from  here; 

Away  from  brick-bat 

And  other  educational  features, 

Japanese  has  came  to  America 

To  learn  things. 

They  has  learned  them  and  went.'* 

On  Nippon  Maru 

And  America  Maru 

(Similar  vapour-boats  determined  to  go  to  Nagasaki 

And  back  again  to  here), 

These  imaginery  things  I  speak-so 

Perhapsly  occur  — 

Perhapsly  not. 

In  a  soon  letter  of  the  future  I  wish  to  tell  you 
how  about  one  new  party  of  politicks  which  the 
Japanese  Thinking  Society  (of  which  I  am  a 
membership)  is  preparing  to  begin.  This  new 
Party  of  Politicks,  I  am  hopeful  to  believe,  is  more 
better  than  Republican  and  Democratic  parties 
of  present.  Anyhow,  it  is  not  any  worser. 

All  well  here  with  exception  of  J.  Furo  who  is 
dead. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.P. — Tell  me  to  know  this:  Of  what  State  is 
Hon.  Leslie  M.  Shaw  the  favourite  son  of  ?  H.  T. 


VII 

HON.  SIMPLE  LIFE  AMONG  AMBASSADORS 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  February   loth, 
To  Editor  New   York  Newspaper  which   tells  all 
Truth  for  second-class  postage. 

DEAR  MR. —  I  ask  to  know.  Would  it  be  a 
possibility  for  one  bright  Japanese  Boy  to  get  a 
good  salary  position  of  Ambassador  to  Berlin  or 
some  other  seaport  ?  My  cousin  Nogi  tell  me  that 
Dr.  Dave  Hill  do  not  care  for  such  a  job  because 
wages  is  too  tiny. 

"How  much  is  them  wages?"  I  inquire  for 
nervous  feeling. 

"Sum  of  $17,500  of  annual  pay,"  mortify  this 
Nogi. 

;<  Japanese  Boy  would  accept  this  patiently," 
I  collapse  with  voice. 

"  He  might  got  it,  but  could  he  ?"  dictate  Nogi, 
who  understands  horse-racing  &  problembs. 

I  am  beswitched. 

"You  would  appear  a  very  cheap  diplomat  with 
such  a  salary,"  say  Nogi.  "Hon.  Charleymain 
Tower,  Ambassador  from  O-hio,  spend  more 
annual  cash  than  this  for  champagne  which  is 

55 


56  LETTERS  OF  A 

necessary  in  Berlin  for  kings,  dukes,  princes,  etc., 
which  is  accustomed  to  expect  it  from  American 
Ambassadors  when  going  through  that  town. 
That  Hon.  Tower  are  a  great  spend." 

"  Poverty  are  no  disgrace,"  I  signify  with  W.  J. 
Bryan  expression. 

"For  Methodist  Ministers  it  are  no  disgrace," 
say  Nogi.  "  But  for  Foreign  Ministers  it  are  con 
sidered  a  crime." 

"I  am  confused  by  this,"  I  depress. 

"Imagine  that  you  was  Hon.  American  Ambas 
sador  to  Berlin,"  deploy  Nogi. 

I  do  so  with  ease. 

"And  imagine  I  was  Hon.  Emperor  of 
Germany." 

I  do  so  with  difficulty. 

"You  go  to  them  Germany  with  $17,500  annual 
wages  which  you  draw  in  advance.  You  look 
around  street  for  some  nice  palace  where  U.  S. 
flag  can  be  represented  with  dignity.  You  find 
such  a  palace,  pretty  soonly,  over  general 
feed  store  for  rent-sum  of  $20  per  monthly. 
For  sum  of  $5  you  can  hire  Mrs.  Nusbaum  in 
up-floor  flat  to  take  down  clothes-line  so  that 
Hon.  U.  S.  flag  can  be  flew  on  Monday  after 
noon.  Then  you  spend  $17,000  for  champagne 
and  set  down  on  back  porch  where  flies  are 


scarce." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  57 

"Do  something  happen  pretty  suddenly  ?"  I  ask 
to  know. 

"Quite  promptly  I  come  along  in  one  golden- 
coloured  automobile,  accompanied  by  Signal 
Corps,  Fire  Department,  Royal  Mounted  Mus 
tache  Guard,  and  Second  Artillery  Band  - 

"Who  are  you,  please?"  is  next  question  for 
Japanese  Schoolboy. 

"I  am  Hon.  Emperor  of  Germany  calling  to 
make  a  diplomatick  relationship  with  Hon. 
American  Ambassador.  I  call  in  them  quiet  way 
I  mention  because  I  know  that  Hon.  Poverty  of 
American  Ambassador  would  get  embarrassed  by 
kingly  pompus.  I  stop  royal  automobile  in  front 
of  Nusbaum's  Feed  Store. 

"'Are  Hon.  American  Ambassador  at  home  for 
diplomatick  relationship?'  Hon.  Emperor  holler- 
up  to  second  story. 

"'He  are  out  back  splitting  kindling/  decry 
Hon.  Mrs.  Nusbaum.  '  But  I  will  told  him  that 
Your  Majesty  have  arrive  —  wait,  please!' 

"So  she  run  &  whistle  down  speaking-tube: 

"'Hello!  Come  up  if  convenient,  Mr.  Ambas 
sador.  Hon.  Emperor  are  here  to  see  you.' 

"So  Hon.  American  Ambassador,  with  arms 
full  of  kindling  wood,  make  sneakstep  to  kitchen, 
where  he  wash  hands  in  sink,  then  haste  to  parlour. 
There  he  find  Hon.  Emperor  of  Germany  setting 


58  LETTERS  OF  A 

on  sofa  and  looking  cross  because  he  have  stumbled 
over  baby-buggy  in  the  hall. 

"'Good  morning,  Mr.  Emperor/  say  Hon. 
Ambassador.  'Will  you  have  something  to 
drink?' 

"'No/  say  he.     'But  I  will  take  a  cigar.' 

'"I  have  not  got  no  cigars,  Hon.  Majesty/  he 
say.  '  But  I  have  some  delicious  chew-tobacco  of 
considerable  long  cut.' 

"  Hon.  Emperor  of  Germany,  who  are  a  awful 
polite  king,  eat  some  of  that  tobacco  and  make 
faces  of  enjoyment.  Soonly  he  accept  drink 
of  champagne  what  Mrs.  Nusbaum  give  him  in 
tin  cup;  then  he  prepare  to  take  his  depart  with 
willing  smiles. 

"'Mr.  Ambassador/  he  decry,  'what  kind  of 
Embassy  do  you  call  this  what  you  got  here  ?' 

'"This/  say  Hon.  Ambassador,  'are  what  are 
called  "Jeffersonian  Simplicity." 

'"Are  you  fond  of  this  kind  of  simplicity?' 
Hon.  Emperor  inquire  to  know. 

"'No/  say-he,  'but  Hon.  Jefferson  was.' 

"  'Hon.  Jefferson  should  try  being  an  Ambassador 
to  Germany  if  he  like  it  so  well/  say  Hon.  Em 
peror,  giving  royal  automobile  one  complete  honk." 

Mr.  Editor,  question  before  Congress  is  this: 
Can  American  Republick,  at  stingy  expense,  teach 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  59 

Kings,  Princes,  etc.,  to  expect  less  spendthrifty 
display  whenever  they  goes  to  see  American  Am 
bassadors  ?  Maybe  so  it  are  possibk.  Maybe 
Emperors,  when  they  gets  tired  of  ruling,  will 
become  accustomed  to  saying,  "  Let's  go  over  to 
Charley  Tower's  flat  and  listen  to  Caruso  on  the 
phonograph."  Maybe-so  it  will  soon  become  a 
common  sight  in  Berlin  to  see  the  Hon.  Emperor 
buying  I5c  package  of  Frankfurters  for  luncheon 
with  Hon.  American  Ambassador.  Maybe  —  but 
Japanese  Schoolboy  are  doubtful  because  he  come 
from  a  kingdom  where  habits  of  Emperors  is  often 
observed.  And  I  never  seen  no  kings  acting  that 
way. 

Trouble  with  these  U.  S.,  Mr.  Editor,  is  that  they 
is  not  so  awful  Progressive  like  they  imagines  they 
are.  It  is  a  very  nice  thing  to  be  noisy,  but  a  shoot- 
cannon  must  have  something  besides  powder  in 
it  to  do  considerable  damage.  America  man  work 
pretty  swift  when  let  alone;  but  if  he  wait  for  act  of 
Congress  he  had  more  better  wait  for  act  of  God 
and  the  Russian  Douma.  There  are  just  one  body 
of  mans  in  the  entire  world  slower  than  Hon. 
Russian  Douma,  and  that  are  Hon.  American 
Congress. 

It  take  one  of  them  degraded  and  outworn 
monarchies  of  the  Old  World  eighteen  months  to 
stick  together  a  first-class  war-boat  of  very  excellent 


60  LETTERS  OF  A 

trimmings.  It  take  these  swift  U.  S.  six  years  to 
nail  together  such  a  fighter-ship,  and  after  them 
six  years  is  past  American  Congress  awakes  and 
finds  that  it  does  n't  need  no  navy  nohow. 

Hon.  Congressman  Captain  Richard  Peachy 
Hobson  arise  recently  for  debate  and  do  consider 
able  gun-fire  with  eyes. 

"  By  all  them  sun-kissed  hills  of  native  land/' 
he  say  with  energy,  "let  us  defend  it.  Japan  are 
a  menace.  So  are  China,  Sweden,  and  the  Malay 
Archipelago.  If  all  them  dangerous  nationalities 
combined  to  do  us  dirt  how  would  they  go  at  it  ? 
By  fleets  ?  In  one  week  17,000,000,000  yen  would 
flow  into  coffers  of  very  yellow  peril.  In  two  weeks 
78  extreme  Dreadnothings  would  intend  to  go  San 
Francisco  for  warfare.  In  three  weeks  Japan 
would  be  camping  in  Waldorf-Astoria  and  Sweden 
would  accept  Milwaukee  as  spoil  of  war.  There 
fore  I  arise  up  to  propose  it.  I  propose  it  that 
Hon.  Sharp  Williams  instruct  the  Democratic 
minority  to  build  12  Dreadnothing  battleships 
weekly  until  election  is  over." 

(Loud  groans  from  Jo-uncle  Cannon.) 

Uprise  then  Hon.  Burton.  "Mr.  Speech," 
he-say  it,  "I  uprise  to  second  them  bill  of  Hon. 
Cap.  Congressman  Hobson;  but  with  some  slight 
amendments  to  make  it  look  natural.  I  propose 
that  them  12  Dreadnothings  be  reduced  to  I  gun- 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  61 

boat  to  be  built  by  Union  Iron  Works  in  1926,  in 
case  there  ain't  no  war  before  then." 

"But  how  to  defend  Hon.  America  without  no 
ships?"  demand  Hon.  Hobson  with  voice. 

"We  are  not  afraid  of  all-world  Powers,"  declaim 
Hon.  Burton.  "If  Japan,  England,  Ireland,  and 
Spain  come  to  our  shores  with  latest  pattern 
explosives,  then  the  indomitable  spirit  of  American 
people  shall  defend  us!" 

(Loud  applause  from  Congress  which  continue 
ahead  with  campaign  program.) 

Such  is  fate  of  Hon.  Hobson's  hobby.  It  is 
certain  that  Hon.  Congress  are  not  afraid  of  no 
foreign  navy.  Hon.  Congress  is  not  afraid  of 
nothing  when  it  do  not  cost  them  nothing  to  do  so. 

It  are  collapsible  sentiment  of  all  intelligent 
Japanese,  Mr.  Editor,  that  Hon.  Congress  will 
eventually,  or  later,  build  very  magnificent 
Embassies  (on  model  of  Pennsylvania  State  Cap 
itol)  in  Berlin,  Paris,  London,  Tokyo,  Pekin,  and 
wherever  it  is  required  by  kings  and  fashionable 
persons  residing  there.  But  before  them  build 
ings  is  done  some  Bills  must  be  made,  revised,  torn 
up  and  referred  to  wastebasket  in  following  com 
mittees: 

1  —  Committee  on  Architecture. 

2  —  Committee  on  Plumbing. 


62  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

3  —  Committee  on  Window  Curtains. 

4  —  Committee  on  Foreign  Relations. 

5  —  Committee  on  Gas  and  Water. 

By  the  time  them  bills  is  passed  America  will 
no  longer  be  sneezed  at  as  a  Young  Nation.  And 
in  the  mean  while  Hon.  Ambassadors  from  these 
U.  S.  must  be  subsidized  by  some  Trust  or  else  ride 
in  trolley  cars  between  Hon.  Embassy  and  Hon. 
German  Court. 

Little  Annie  Anazuma,  8-year-age  daughter  of 
I.  Anazuma,  Japanese  barber,  make  following 
Mother  Geese  about  it: 

''The    Star    Spangley    Banner 
O  long  may  she  soar 
O'er   the   National   Arms 
On  a  grocery  store!" 

Arthur  Kickahajama  ask  for  enquiry  yesterday 

time: 

"Are  this  Dr.  Dave  Hill  a  diplomat  ?" 
"To  look  like  an  Ambassador  to  Germany  on 
a  salary  of  $17,500  a  year  he  have  got  to  be  pretty 
much  of  a  diplomat,"  I  answer  for  reply. 
With  gun-salutes  to  Hon.  Hobson. 
Yours  truly. 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


VIII 

A   THIRD   TERM    FOR    OUR    EMPEROR 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  February  23rd. 

To  postoffice  of  New  York  Newspaper  to  be  found 
there  by  Editor. 

DEAR  SIR:  I  will  not  vote  for  President  this 
time,  thank  you,  because  your  Emperor,  Mr. 
Roosevelt,  will  not  run  to  get  it.  Therefore  I 
am  neglectful  about  all  other  Candidates. 

Little  Annie  Anazuma,  eight-years-age,  daugh 
ter  of  I.  Anazuma,  Japanese  barber,  come  to  me 
with  childish  inquisitive. 

"Tell  me  one  truth,  Uncle  Togo,"  she  deploy. 
"Is  it  possible  to  think  that  Japanese  Boy  will 
some  day  be  President  of  this  respectable 
kingdom  ?" 

"  Hardy  so  —  and  yet  maybe,"  I  addict  with 
deceptive  expression. 

"So  happy  to  think!"  negotiate  this  infant  en 
thusiasm,  with  fond  smiling.  "Then  how  must 
he  go  to  it  to  become  such  a  President?" 

"He  must  firstly  obtain  consent  of  Hon.  Roose 
velt,  who  probably  would  not  give  it,"  I  dictate 
because  I  am  aware  it  might  be  so. 

63 


64  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Are  it  customary  for  Presidents  to  select  with 
voice  name  of  some  gentleman  what  would  be  less 
disgusting  to  him  for  next  King  of  America  ?"  re 
quire  this  Infant  Prodigal,  who  are  too  ingrown 
of  brain  for  enjoy  mere  doll-play. 

"Ah,  sure  yes!"  I  explode.  "If  gentleman 
what  have  been  in  White  House  4  years  do  not 
know  a  good  President  when  he  see  him,  who 
would  ?" 

"When  inexperienced  gentleman  are  called  by 
White  House  to  take  job  he  must  enjoy  great 
agony  trying  to  study  Constitution,  boat-building, 
Tuskagee,  &  other  racing  problembs  necessary 
to  encumbrance  of  office,"  she  say-it. 

"That  are  still  customary,"  I  report. 

"Who  commence  to  originate  this  merciful 
custom?"  demand  little  Annie. 

"Because  you  are  childish  I  make  education 
for  you.  Pres.  Roosevelt  done  it." 

"  So  happy  to  know ! "  digest  this  Japanese  child. 
"He  is  great  Emperor  of  America  —  therefore  he 
will  last  forever." 

"So  sorry  to  reply,"  I  disgust.  "Hon.  Pres. 
Roosevelt  will  soon  stop  doing  it." 

"Tell  me  to  know,  Uncle  Togo,"  examine  this 
difficult  infant.  "Is  not  Emperors  made  to  last 
considerable  length?" 

"In    responsible    kingdoms,    yes-so  —  but    in 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  65 

America,  no-so.  Here  Kings  is  elected  for  4 
years  to  discouridge  them." 

"These  white-coloured  foreigners  is  too  hard 
answers  for  children  to  know,"  say  little  Annie 
Anazuma  running  away  for  play-doll  amusement. 

I  say  these  lectures  to  Little  Annie  with  great 
pleasure  to  be  telling  something  to  somebody 
what  believes  it.  But  then  come  brain-thoughts 
which  bring  enjoyment  of  fierce  pangs.  What 
to  do  with  America  when  Emperor  Roosevelt 
has  took  himself  from  it  ?  I  enquire  for  answer. 

I  beg  you  to  do  it  as  request,  Mr.  Editor. 
Please  have  your  printer  put  some  words  on 
editorial  page  asking  Hon.  Roosevelt  to  continue 
once  more  term  as  Emperor  of  this  Republic. 
I  enclose  cash  of  5<Dc.  to  pay  for  your  expense  of 
writing,  etc.  Thank  you  so  many! 

Honest  to  truth,  I  am  aggregated  with  anger 
to  have  Mr.  Emperor  Roosevelt  dictate,  "No 
thank  you,  not  for  three-times  running!"  Why 
so  does  he  stop  being  King  just  at  instant  when 
all-national  people  is  enjoying  that  American 
performance  ?  It  will  be  sad  for  my  heart  to  see 
some  private  person  occupying  public  career  of 
Hon.  Roosevelt  when  he  gets  through  sitting  on  it. 

What  decry  Julius  Caesar  about  being  elected  too 
much  for  Republican  party  of  Rome  ?  "  One  good 


66  LETTERS  OF  A 

term  deserves  another,"  he  command,  and  Mr. 
Brutus  was  pleased  to  be  there  with  stabbing-knife. 
But  this  is  different  subject  from  what  about  it. 

Now  it  is  historical  knowledge  that  Pres. 
Roosevelt  is  ignorant  about  fear.  What  does 
frighten  him,  then,  about  this  Third  Term  busi 
ness  affair  ?  Because  Hon.  Geo.  Washington  said 
not  do  it  ?  So  ridicule  for  great  man  to  think ! 
Hon.  Roosevelt  is  not  afraid  of  Hon.  Washington. 
Then  go  ahead,  Mr.  Roosevelt,  please!  Continue 
terming  for  several  more  administrations. 

Whenever  I  think  of  some  private  gentleman 
being  public  President  of  U.  S.  I  spill  tear-drop 
from  sadness.  Mere  human  person  like  Hon. 
Taft  is  large  enough  to  entirely  fill  throne  with 
himself  but  he  can  not  fill  it  with  that  marvellous 
activity  of  Roosevelt. 

Hon.  Jenny  Bryan,  so  I  read  by  news-prints, 
has  went  out  for  duck-shoot  and  also  hoping  to 
slew  some  bears.  This  show  how  sadly  he  long 
for  President.  But  nothing  to  do!  Mr.  Jenny  is 
too  quiet  Democrat  for  election.  He  must  mur 
der  something  or  make  elopement  with  somebody's 
grandmother  to  get  photo  in  newspaper  any  more. 
Then  American  persons  will  remember  he  is 
alive  and  nominate  him  for  another  defeat. 

In  what  administration  was  Hon.  Bryan  Presi- 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  67 

dent  of  these  Uniteds  State  ?  I  ask  these  ignorant 
question  because  Hon.  Bryan  happened  before  I 
arrived  here. 

Time  is  passed,  Mr.  Editor,  for  American  gen 
tleman  to  be  President  by  merely  being  so.  Prince 
Albert  cutaway  and  sky-scrape  eye-brow  with 
patriotic  noise  from  stump  are  decomposed  from 
modern  politics,  thank  you.  Successful  candidate 
for  America  must  not  only  stand  on  stump  for 
speech — he  must  use  stump  for  downside-up  gym- 
nasticks  employing  heels  for  passionate  gestures. 
If  candidate  can  not  do  nothing  else  he  must  be 
owner  of  Trust  or  some  other  respectable  business. 

Whenever  I  have  look-at  some  American  gentle 
man  behaviour  strange  and  queer  in  publick, 
then  I  enjoy  suspicion,  "That  person  is  expecting 
for  nomination  to  President!' 

Because  this.  When  gentleman  require  to  be 
notice  by  Delegates  of  Convention  he  must  per 
form  something  queer  in  publicity.  Sometime 
he  take  too  much  cocktail,  sometime  too  much 
buttermilk  —  drink  depending  on  religious  train 
ing.  Then  all  newspapers  go  to  his  doorway  and 
ask  for  photo,  childhood  and  name  of  party  by 
which  he  prefers  to  be  runned.  Pretty  soonly  this 
candidate  is  celebrated  name  in  all  mouths.  After 
this  he  may  be  elected,  which  is  too  difficult  to 
think  about,  thank  you! 


68  LETTERS  OF  A 

By  last  week  I  seen  Yoni  Sadekachi,  wealthy 
and  influential  Japanese  greenhouse,  enjoying 
phenomenal  cataclyptic  spasm  of  fits  on  street 
corner.  Large  crowd  was  present  including 
three  American  reporters.  Next  morning  following 
headline  in  all  American  newspaper: 

JAPANESE  SPASM  OF  FITS!!! 

HON.  YONI  SADEKACHI   ENJOYS  ONE  AND 
GAINS  LARGE  MERIT  OF  JAPANESE 

VOTERS   PRESENT. 

WILL  HE   BE  NOMINATION  FOR  PRESIDENT? 
WE  ASK  TO  KNOW 

Pretty  soonly  news-children  scream  announce 
ment  all  over  this  America.  Political  man  see 
this  and  report.  "Yes,  please,  this  Hon.  Yoni  will 
make  very  happy  candidate  for  Republican  party 
with  fusion  of  Japanese  Socialists.  It  will  be 
pleasant  to  mention  him  if  everything  else  fails." 

This  is  to  show,  Mr.  Editor,  how  dangerous 
it  is  to  encourage  talented  Japanese  in  this 
kingdom. 

One  Japanese  poem,  please,  for  your  printer 
to  practise  on: 

SILENCE  OF  NEXT  ADMINISTRATION 

Last  night  I  dream  this  when  heliotrope  of  despair  breathe 

to  lily-flower, 
When  moonlight  is  there 
And  crane-bird  stand  with  bill  under  its  elbow: 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  69 

One  Angel  arrive  to  my  bedstead. 

"Good  mdrning,"  I  report,  "what  is  your  name  ?" 

"How  do  you  do,"  she  say.     "My  name  is  Silence." 

"  Hon.  Silence,"  I  exclaim,  "how  did  you  get  into  this  country  ?" 

"I  got  in,"  she  exclaim,  "when  Hon.  Roosevelt  got  out." 

"Is  Hon.  Roosevelt  got  out  ?"  I  support. 

"O  yes,"  say  Angel,  "can  not  you  hear  the  sound  of  Silence 

all  over  land  ? 

Silence  in  Congress,  in  Nursery,  in  Pulpit,  in  Wall  Street  ? 
Can  not  you  hear  it  ? 
You  are  blind  in  ears  if  not!" 
"O  yes,"  I  retort,  "I  hear  it,  Mr.  Angel; 
But  it  is  not  Perfect  Silence." 
"  No,  not  Perfect  Silence  — 
But  it  is  silent  enough  to  be  noticed. 
Almost  Anything 
Sounds  like  Silence 
By  comparison 
Of  Hon.   Roosevelt. 

"Therefore  sweet  sleep, 
Pull  down  blinds, 
Blow  out  gas  — 
Good  night!" 

So   speak  Angel  when   heliotrope   of  despair    droop    to    lily- 
flower, 

When  moonlight  is  there 
And  crane-bird  stand  with  bill  under  its  elbow. 

Therefore,  Mr.  Editor,  I  leave  it  to  you. 
Silence  is  not  best  sweetest  quality  for  energetic 
kingdom  like  this.  Please  fix  Hon.  Roosevelt  to 
stay  on  chair  for  remainder  of  generation.  For 


7o  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

if  he  is  removed  panick  of  loneliness  will  assassinate 
Japanese  Boy. 

Hoping  you  will  fix  it  by  me, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  I  have  obtained  legitimate  job  of  table- 
waiting  at  Fujiyama  Restaurant  where  my  mail 
will  get  to.  H.  Sunigawa,  Prop.,  is  one  very 
patriotic  gentleman  who  works  as  Japanese  Spy 
when  not  employed. 

H.  T. 


IX 

HON.  MODESTY:  is  IT  A  DISEASE  ? 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  March  i4th. 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  who  is  consider 
able  careless  about  answer  to  letters  of  poor 
Japanese  Schoolboy,  excuse  him  for  more  of. 

DEAR  SIR  —  Sometime  when  Hon.  Rudyard 
Kipling  write,  he  begin  each  paragraf  with  nice 
piece  of  poem.  Therefore  I  must  do  it  like  him. 
Excuse  following: 

THE  SONG  OF  OUCH 

In  Tunk  by  the  Tower  of  Tom 

In  the  Land  of  the  Living  Joke 
Lived  a  race  of  Sadds  who  were  modest  lads 

And  blushed  when  their  names  was  spoke 

They  shrieked  at  the  thought  of  Fame 

And  shaked  like  the  infant  pine, 
While  they  turned  all  white  when  they 

seen  the  sight 
Of  an   Advertising   Sign. 

So  they  lived  in  the  fear  of  Boast 
In  the  Age  that  Has  Went  Behind: 

But  if  any  of  They  still  remain  to-day 
They  is  certainly  Hard  to  find! 


72  LETTERS  OF  A 

Hon.  Mrs.  Lusy  Macdonald  to  whom  I  am  now 
a  greenhouse  employed  by  her  geraniums  at  ice 
each  to  relieve  them  of  what  bugs  they  got  is  very 
nice-hearted.  Her  husband  is  a  dead  gentleman 
who  took  decease  by  asthma  in  joints.  So  she 
approached  to  me  yesterday  with  customary  tear 
drop  &  i  pair  pants  to  say: 

"These  property  of  past  Macdonald  I  am  give 
to  you  because  they  wake  bitter  memories  &  are 
wore  out  around  knees."  Slight  sobs  from  her. 

I  observe  them  hon.  pants  which  is  very  tall 
garments  of  dissipated  appearance. 

"O  thank  you  so  many,  Hon.  Mrs.  Madam!" 
I  report  with  salvo.  "I  shall  took  them  home 
&  rehearse  wearing  them."  I  back  off  for  respect 
and  get  away  with  them  hon.  pants-. 

At  Patriots  of  Japan  Boarding  &  Lodging,  where 
I  hope  to  move  from  before  payment  is  necessary, 
I  lock  myself  away  with  them  garment,  and  try 
to  make  it  fit.  So  sorry  can't  do!  When  I  clasp 
it  with  dignified  safety-pin  at  waist  each  leg  is  too 
far  beyond  my  foots  —  it  give  me  reverent  appear 
ance  of  kneeling.  I  try  to  deceive  them  pants  to 
look  briefer  by  rolling  them  upwards.  Also  I 
coax  them  at  stummick  by  fastening  belt  around 
shoulders.  By  this  way  I  am  entirely  inside  of 
that  tailorship  which  is  too  plenty. 

Then  suddenly  Cousin  Nogi  make  in-come  to  my 


'"Would  they  fit  me  perhaps  ?'  1  ask  for  vanity' 


JAPANESE  SCHu^owi  73 

room,  because  he  is  a  relative  and  can  do  so  without 
knocking.  He  look  quite  q;ast  at  me. 

"You  are  clothed  entirely,"  he  signify  with 
smart  expression. 

"Would  they  fit  me  perhaps  ?"  I  ask  for  vanity. 

"Maybe  so  they  might,"  dictate  Nogi,  "but 
they  are  too  loose  around  neck." 

"What  to  do  with  such  gifts  from  lady?"  I 
inquire  for  reply. 

"To  wear  it  next  to  heart,"  contuse  Nogi  with 
smiling.  "If  you  wear  it  on  publick  streetfare 
crowd  will  collect  to  indicate  that  you  are  one  very 
famous  Japanese.  Persons  will  proclaim:  'There 
go  them  Hon.  Pants!'  Maybe  you  will  be  escort 
by  police  wherever  went.  It  is  so  easy  to  become 
famous." 

"No  can  do,  please!"  I  prefer. 

"No  to  ?"  stagger  Nogi  for  disappoint. 

"Ah,  no!"  I  relapse.  "I  should  not  desire  to 
become  famous  for  pants.  Hon.  Modesty  is  a 
Japanese  characteristick." 

"Hon.  Modesty  is  a  disease,"  corrode  that  Nogi 
with  scornful  snip;  so  he  tell  following  myth  of 
antique  Japan  which  is  a  very  favourite  stories  of 
Grandmothers  to  illustrate  the  Hon.  Modesty. 

In  some  way-back  period  of  B.  c.  there  reside  at 
Kioto  one  Emperor  by  name  of  Motomatsu 


74  LETTERS  OF  A 

who  was  awful  modest  about  it.  When  spoke  of 
as  Famous  he  became  a  very  ill  person.  He  was 
shy  about  publick  banzai.  When  he  depart  out 
from  Hon.  Palace  for  auto-ride  all  loyal  subjecks 
was  lined  up  by  pave  to  decry:  "Banzai!  Ban 
zai!  Such  nice  Emperor  Motomatsu ! "  They 
then  kneel  upon  their  faces  to  signify  it.  But 
Hon.  Motomatsu  enjoy  angry  rage  for  such  publick 
demonstrictions  and  decry:  "So  conspickerous!" 
while  he  kick  loyal  subjecks  on  skull.  Because 
he  was  shy. 

Pretty  soonly  he  make  sneek  out  of  Palace  by 
back  door  to  avoid  them  noyful  mob  of  shoutings. 
But  one  Grocery  Boy  seen  him  and  observe  to 
inquire:  "Why  do  Kings  go  out  by  back  doors 
when  should  not?"  "Hush  it!"  say  Motomatsu. 
"I  am  doing  it  so  as  not  to  be  too  famous."  So 
when  he  make  pass-on  them  Grocery  Boy  go  to  all 
populus  of  Japan  and  decry:  "Hon.  Emperor  is 
departing  by  back  door!"  Then  1,000,000  of 
them  loyal  subjecks  assemblance  to  trademan 
entrance  of  Palace  &  peek  to  see  —  and  sure  of! 
Hon.  Emperor  again  is  saw  making  sneek-in  to 
Palace.  "Permit  us  to  hail!"  say  peasantry,  but 
Hon.  Emperor  relapse  with  peev:  "Go  hail  some- 
wheres  else!"  And  he  throw  brick-bat  to  them. 

So  them  Hon.  Emperor  get  worse  modest  all 
time.  Pretty  soonly  he  borrow  rag-clothing  from 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  75 

beggerly  man  and  wander  forth  in  them  disguise. 
But  Hon  Populus,  when  they  seen  him,  decry: 
"O  look-see  what  has  arrive!  Our  dear  Emperor 
are  ragged  out  to  be  a  beggerly  man!  Is  he  not 
conspickerous  in  such  a  clothing?  Ah,  yes!" 
And  they  surround  him  with  a  program  of  dances, 
including  exhibitions  of  jiu  jitsu,  resolutions  of 
respeck,  geisha  waltz,  speek,  fireworks  &  baloon- 
races.  Pretty  soonly  Carnegie  Commission 
approach  with  brass  medal  of  reward.  "For 
what?"  say  Hon.  Emperor.  "For  extreme  shy 
ness  in  action,"  say  Hon.  Commission.  By  this 
Hon.  Motomatsu  is  very  disgust,  so  he  cut  off 
them  Commission  at  neck,  then  he  chop  1,000 
loyal  subjecks  with  ax  and  go  back  Palace. 

But  when  them  loyal  subjecks  pick  up  their 
heads  what  was  chopped  they  say:  "Sure  is! 
Mr.  Emperor  must  be  modest  about  publick 
appearance.  Quite  well!  Then  we  will  cease 
hailing  him,  if  he  is  so  disagree." 

Next  day  when  Hon.  Emperor  go  off  for  walk, 
what!  Such  vacancy  of  street!  He  is  queer  to 
feel.  He  go  back  Palace  with  lonesome  smile. 
"  Maybe  I  am  dress  too  silently  to  be  seen,"  he-say. 
So  he  put  on  uniform  of  Field  Marshall  &  walk 
outside  again.  Nothing  to  do.  Even  little  spar 
row-birds  is  absent  with  banzais.  "O  mania! 
Have  I  quit  being  famous  ?"  subtract  that  Moto- 


76  LETTERS  OF  A 

mats-u,  losing  some  flesh  for  griefs.  So  by  soon- 
time  he  make  debut  to  street  in  drum-major 
uniform  recruited  by  very  large  brass  band.  But 
Hon.  Publick  is  home  reminding  their  own  busi 
ness.  This  are  too  much  worry  for  Hon.  Emperor 
who  go  bed  &  is  attended  by  appendicitis.  Pretty 
soonly  he  enjoy  death  and  got  a  tomb  near  Kioto. 
In  front  of  it  are  following  inscription: 

"Motomatsu  have  got  his  bones  here. 
He  were  a  Good  Advertiser; 
But  he  Worked  it  too  Hard." 

Mr.  Editor,  Hon.  Modesty  we-re  a  disease  very 
common  among  Great  Mens  in  antique  Japan. 
In  these  here  day  modern  insanitary  methods  of 
brushing  off  microbes  have  got  rid  of  such  shy 
germs  pretty  good.  Yet  Great  Mens  is  still  in 
some  tiny  danger  of  being  bit  by  it.  At  White 
Palace  of  Washington  Dr.  Rickey  must  be  in  con 
stant  attendance  with  microscope  to  watch  for  it. 
Each  President  Message  must  be  very  careful 
fumigated  —  and  on  some  days  this  are  pretty 
much  of  a  job,  thank  you. 

By  each  morning-time  Hon.  President  must 
have  corner  of  eye-glasses,  mustache  &  tooths 
examined  for  fearful  that  some  Wyoming  constit 
uent  might  maybe  brought  in  bashful  germs  that 
will  get  into  Hon.  Policies  &  spoil  everything. 

This    Surgeon-Gen.    Rickey    must    be    a    very 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  77 

worried  person.  Suppose  he  go  cod-fishing  some 
Sunday  off  &  become  carelus  about  them  hon. 
microbes?  Ah,  fatal!  Next  morning  he  go  to 
White  Cabinet  &  discover  Hon.  President  enjoy 
ing  high  temperature  of  terrible  blushes. 

"Sec.  Loeb,"  he  are  saying,  "please  turn  to 
Nineteenth  Interstate  Proclamation,  page  HO2B, 
and  attack  it  with  blue  pencil." 

"Quite  good,  Mr.  Sire,"  say  them  Hon.  Loeb. 
"What  to  do  with  them  words?" 

"Scratch  out  all  pronouns  spelled  with  an  'I' 
and  supply  *  American  People*  for  it,"  say  Hon. 
President. 

"Will  do,"  say  Hon.  Sec.  with  nervous  glance. 

"Next  substitute  considerable  changes.  Change 
'My  Policies'  to  *  Mr.  Bryan's  Policies,'  change 
'My  Navy'  to  '  Admiral  Brownson's  Navy,' 
change  — 

Dr.  Rickey  stand  at  corner  of  room  with  horrors 
springing  at  knees.      "  It  are  my  carelus  fault  - 
some  scarce  disease  have  got  in  through  window!" 
he  whisper  to  guilty  self. 

"Next  turn  attention  to  library  of  books,"  say 
that  Presidential  Invalid.  "Change  'My  Works' 
to  'Works  of  Divine  Providence.'  Every  time 
'Grizzly  Bear'  are  mention  change  it  to  'Grey 
Squirrel,'  change  'Must  Not'  to  'Please  Don't/ 
change 


78  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Stop  it,  Mr.  Sire!"  say  them  Physician  with 
alarms;  "if  you  continue  it  thus  you  will  have 
'Malefactors'  changed  to  'Benefactors'!" 

So  White  House  Hospital  Corps  are  ringed  for 
and  Hon.  President  took  by  forceful  quarantine  to 
Federal  Hospital  where  one  porous  plaster  are 
put  on  his  Ego  to  draw  it  out.  While  enjoying 
relapse  there  he  occupy  cot  formerly  layed  in  by 
Hons.  Albert  Beverage,  Ben  Tillman  &  other  Egos 
enjoying  the  same  shy  germ. 

What  would  become  of  Hon.  Literature,  Mr. 
Editor,  if  them  Literaries  was  nibbled  by  Hon. 
Modesty  ?  What  would  become  of  Publishing 
Business  if  Hon.  Mrs.  Eleanor  McGlynty,  after 
wroting  one  book  of  title,  "Three  Months," 
should  spend  that  period  of  time  blushing  over 
what  ensue  in  it  ?  What  would  happen  to  Hon. 
Jack  of  London  or  Hon.  Thomas  of  Boston  if  they 
forgot  to  tell  Hon.  World  how  remarkably  much 
they  are  ?  Would  Hon.  World  remember  their 
praises  if  they  did  n't  ?  I  ask  to  know. 

What  would  ensue  if  Hon.  Bernard  Shaw  should 
took  the  habit  of  shrinkage  ?  Might  he  know  how 
to  stop  before  he  had  entirely  shrunk  away  until 
he  was  very  little  more  than  size  of  Homer,  Shakes 
peare  &  any  other  insignificate  super-gentleman  ? 
I  require  no  answer. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  79 

Mr.  Editor,  if  I  had  died  in  old-fashion  gener 
ation  of  water-power  reputation  I  would  have 
got  on  my  tombstone: 

Here  Lies  Togo, 

He  was  a  good  man. 

But  as  I  live  in  age  of  gas-power  greatness,  I 
must  have  on  my  door-plate: 

Here  Lives  Togo. 

He  is  a  great  man. 
If  you  don't  believe  it, 
Step  in  and  he  will 

Tell     you     so. 

With  love  to  your  printer, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO 


X 

SPRING 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  April  ist. 

To  Editor  of  New  York  newspaper  which  rains 
supreme  for  intelligence  of  editorial  typewriting. 

DEAR  SIR      O!    Spring  have  came! 

Where  did  it  arrive  from  ?  is  question  for  Jap 
anese  Boy. 

Do  it  arrive  from  Palm  Beach  of  sunny  climb, 
song-sing  of  nightinglory-bird,  hypnotism  of 
tropick  mooners  where  poets  is  whacking  musical 
liars  in  the  middle  of  such  nice  weather  ?  Do  it 
arrive  from  ore  the  sea  blew  along  by  Rory  Bory 
Alice  &  other  mythology  ladies  of  awfully  gauze 
dressing  which  travel  by  zephyr  to  drop  don't-for- 
get-me  bud  &  other  garden  seeds  on  top  of  happy 
farmer  ?  Ah  no!  it  do  not. 

Where  do  this  Spring  arrive  from  then,  if  not  ? 

By  newspaper  print  I  read  how  it  arrive  from 
Paris,  thank  you! 

Flower  of  Spring  do  not  come  to  America  by 
them  poetical  way  I  said.  They  are  first  noticed 
in  New  York  by  Hon.  Custom  Inspector  who  give 
American  eye-wink  when  he  see  such  many 

80 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  81 

trunks  of  French  extraction.     He  notice  they  are 
label  "  Handle  by  Care,"  so  he  open  them  carefully 
with    an    axe.     From    each    divided  trunk  come 
explosion    of   rare    beaty.       Violet-colour    roses, 
rose-colour    violets,    blue-colour   carnations,    off- 
colour   daisies,    lilies-of-valley   in    red,    white,    & 
blue  and   sunflowers  of  27   delicious  varieties  of 
sunset.     That  sad  interior  of  Custom  House,  so 
oftenly  accustomed   to   shady  gloom  of  dark    & 
dingley  Tariff,  grow  suddenly  to  joyful  fire-alarm 
by  them   race-riot   of  colour.     All   employees   of 
them  Custom  House  forget  murdering  thought  of 
their  cruel  hearts  and  is  instantly  gentle  by  sight  of 
such  bouquets.     They  forget  to  do  their  duty  on 
sliding   scale.     Their   eyes   is   overdone   for  tear 
drop     with     sweetheart     thought     of    childhood. 
Numberous  sighs  is  enjoyed  while  looking  to  them 
flowers,  all  hats  is  removed  and  for  one  noment  of 
time  that  Custom  House  forget  to  think  of  Eternal 
Revenue  on  cigars,  the  patness  of  Jo-uncle  Cannon 
and  welcome  to  America  by  the  Uncivil  Service. 
Such  is  influence  of  Nature  on  savage  persons. 

Then  come  Easter  and  I  am  not  responsible  for 
what  happen.  Hon.  Solomon,  who  was  legally 
accustomed  to  100  wifes,  was  very  suspicious  about 
Spring  when  it  come  along  from  Paris,  so  he  say 
with  voice  for  all  future  layers  of  Husbands,  "Con 
sider  the  lilies  how  they  cost!"  When  one  Chris- 


82  LETTERS  OF  A 

tian  lady  begin  to  consider  the  lilies  in  shop  window 
it  is  important  for  Christian  Husband  to  consider 
something  else  with  absent-minded  expression. 

In  Spring  young  American  mind  naturally  turn 
to  sport  of  baseballing.  Japanese  Boy  have  found 
out  how-do  to  get  there  to  place  where  them 
National  Sport  is  done.  Walk  some  distance  to 
suburbs  of  trolley  when,  all  of  a  suddenly,  you 
will  notice  a  sound.  It  is  a  very  congregational 
lynch-law  sound  of  numberous  voices  doing  it  all 
at  once.  Silence  punctuates  this.  Then  more  of. 

"Why  all  this  yall  about,  unless  of  mania?" 
I  require  to  know  from  Hon.  Police. 

"  San  Francisco  is  in  it  and  Oakland  is  outside  of 
it,"  say  Hon.  Police  with  moustache.  "San 
Francisco  have  made  bat-hit  and  three  gentle- 
mans  have  arrive  home." 

"So  happy  to  welcome  travellers!"  I  decry. 
"Have  them  gentlemans  been  long  absent  for  such 
publick  banzai  ?" 

"All  over  bean-farm,"  say  Hon.  Police.  "They 
was  all  on  bags,"  he  say,  "and  two  mans  had  died 
on  first  basso 

"I  shall  enjoy  mourning  for  them  heroes,"  I 
retort. 

—  then  Hon.  Murphy  acquire  one  base  by 
high  finance." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  83 

"How-so  he  possess  this  base  ?"  is  next  question 
for  me. 

"He  steal  it,"  say  Hon.  Police  with  cigar. 

I  admire  talents  of  that  Hon.  Murphy  who  can 
steal  things  while  all  publick  make  shout  of 
applaud.  With  practice  he  would  become  very 
delicious  Senator. 

More  loud  yall  of  shouts  is  heard.  I  am  an 
enthusiasm.  What  fierce  harakiri  of  patriotism 
was  going  on  to  make  them  Americans  so  loud  ? 
Such  sound  of  hates!  Port  Arthur  was  took  with 
less  noise  than  that.  Therefore  I  must  see  about  it. 

I  go  to  fence  where  ticket-hole  demand  5oc  of 
price  to  see  it. 

"Why  must  Japanese  Boy  pay  such  price?" 
I  renig. 

"  Because-so,"  say  Ticketer,  "Baseballing  is 
National  Sport.  Therefore  each  patriot  must  pay 
them  5<Dc  for  Campaign  Fund  to  Hon.Cortelyou." 

I  admit  myself  to  gate. 

In  seats  around  gallery  ail-American  persons  is 
settled  in  state  of  very  hoarse  condition.  Down 
stairs  on  ground  is  10  to  n  Baseballers  engaged  in 
doing  so.  I  am  scientifick  about  this  Game  which 
is  finished  by  following  rules: 

One  strong-arm  gentleman  called  a  Pitch  is 
hired  to  throw.  Another  gentleman  called  a 
Stop  is  responsible  for  whatever  that  Hon.  Pitch 


84  LETTERS  OF  A 

throw  to  him,  so  he  protect  himself  from  wound 
ing  by  sofa-pillows  which  he  wear  on  hands. 
Another  gentleman  called  a  Striker  stand  in  front 
to  that  Stop  and  hold  up  club  to  fright  off  that 
Hon.  Pitch  from  angry  rage  of  throwing  things. 
But  it  is  useless.  Hon.  Pitch  in  hand  hold  one 
baseball  of  an  unripe  condition  of  hardness. 
He  raise  that  arm  lofty  —  then  twist  —  O  sudden ! 
He  shoot  them  bullet-ball  straight  to  breast  of  Hon- 
Stop.  Hon.  Striker  swing  club  for  vain  efFort. 
It  is  a  miss  &  them  deathly  ball  shoot  Hon.  Stop  in 
gloves.  "Struck  once!"  decry  Hon.  Umperor, 
a  person  which  is  there  to  gossip  about  it  in  loud 
voice. 

"Why  do  Hon.  Umperor  demand  Hon.  Striker 
to  struck  when  he  have  already  did  so?"  I 
demand  to  know  from  one  large  German  intelli 
gence  what  set  next  by  me. 

"He  is  fanning  himself  outside,"  make  that 
courteous  foreigner  for  reply,  so  I  prefer  to 
understand. 

Once  more-time  that  Hon.  Pitch  prepare  to 
enjoy  some  deathly  agony.  He  hold  that  ball 
outside  of  twisted  forearm,  turn  \  beside  himself, 
throw  elbows  away,  give  whirling  salute  of  head, 
caress  ankle  with  calf  of  leg,  then  up-air  —  quickly 
shoot!  Ball  journey  to  Hon.  Stop  with  whizz, 
but  before  arriving  there  Hon.  Striker  see  it  with 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  85 

club.  There  is  considerable  knock-sound  as 
club  collide  to  ball  which  stops  continuing  in  that 
direction  and  bounds  uply  to  air.  Great  excite 
ment  for  all  America!  All  spectacles  in  grand 
stand  decry,  "O  make  sliding,  Hon.  Sir!"  and 
many  voices  is  seriously  spoiled  as  Hon.  Striker 
run  with  rapid  heels  from  each  base  to  next  & 
all  other  Baseballers  present  endeavour  to  pull 
down  that  ball  which  is  still  in  very  high  sky. 
But  soonly  that  ball  return  down  and  is  bounded 
into  hands  of  second  basso  sportsman  who  shoot 
it  to  Hon.  Stop  just  as  Hon.  Striker  is  sliding 
to  fourth  base  by  the  seat  of  his  stummick. 

"Out!"  decry  Hon.  Umperor,  so  Hon.  Striker 
go  set  himself  on  back  bench,  which  is  deserving 
place  for  all  heroes. 

So  many  Strikers  is  brought  up  to  do  them 
clubbing  acts  during  game  that  it  become  a 
monotony  to  Japanese  Boy  in  a  very  soon  time. 
But  not-so  it  was  to  Americans  who  was  fuller 
of  Indiana  yalls.  Occasionally  that  large 
German  intelligence  what  set  next  to  me  would 
say  with  voice,  "Kill  that  Umperor!" 

"Why  should  Hon.  Umperor  be  executed?" 
I  require  for  answer. 

"I  am  not  sure  why-is,"  extort  that  German. 
"But  it  is  courteous  to  demand  his  death 
occasionally.'* 


86  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Is  this  Umperor  such  a  sinful  citizen?"  I 
make  note;  but  that  Hon.  German  did  not 
response  because  he  was  drownding  his  voice 
from  one  bottle  of  pop-soda  for  value  of  5c. 

I  wait  for  very  large  hour  to  see  death  of  this 
Hon.  Umperor,  but  it  did  not  occur  as  I  seen. 
Too  bad !  I  had  very  good  seat  to  see  from. 

Baseballing  is  healthy  game  for  Americans. 
It  permits  them  to  enjoy  sunstroke  in  middle  of 
patriotick  sounds,  it  teach  them  a  entirely 
courageous  vocabulary  and  put  10,000,000,000,000 
peanuts  in  circulation  by  each  annual  year.  Japan 
must  learn  to  do  it.  If  all  Japanese  wishing  to 
become  heroes  should  go  set  in  bleachers  each 
afternoon-time  it  might  change  them  from  Yellow 
Peril  to  yelling  section  in  short  generation. 

But  warfare  is  a  more  agreeable  way. 

Spring  was  discovered  by  Japanese  several 
years  before  zero.  Antique  Japanese  noblemans, 
when  they  seen  sweet  Irish-flowers  blooming  and 
acting  fresh  was  suspicious  that  maybe  it  was 
sign  of  Spring,  but  they  did  not  say-so  nothing 
about  it,  because  laws  was  very  just  in  them  date. 
Hon.  Bashu,  celebrated  for  Japanese  poetry,  say: 

"O   Spring,   Spring, 
Thou  art  such  gentle  thing!" 

Hon.  Japanese  Emperor  read  this  songsing 
and  call  Hon.  Bashu  to  court-house  and  give  him 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  87 

one  chop-off  by  axe.     "You  are  too  original  for 
to  live,"  he  say  by  remark. 

Hon.  Onion  Jo,  Japanese  ranch-boy  of  Contra 
Costa  County,  recently  enjoy  one  railway  accident. 
His  2  feetprints  has  been  missing  since  then.  So 
you  will  please  forgive  following  Japanese  sonnet 
he  send  me  because  he  is  a  very  weak  patience  in 
hospital: 

CONVERSATION  TALKED  BT  ONION  JO  PITH 
ONE  FOOLISH -BIRD  ON  SPRINGTIME  TWIGS 

Told  me  in  song-sing,  tree-bird  of  April  Foolish, 

Why  do  America  Fleet 

Travel  so  low-down  in  water-tight  Ocean  ? 

Why-so 

Is  all  symptoms  of  armour-belt  missing 

And  why  such  cargo  of  weight  ? 

"Twit!    Twit!" 

Response  them  animal  in  voice  of  Commander  Sims, 

"Them  Pacific  Fleet  travel  deep-down 

For  very  good  reason. 

Admiral  Reuterdahl  is  in  command  of  it." 

After  which  remark  them  tree-bird  make  humoristick  signals. 

Told  me  in  music,  tree-bird  of  green  ideas, 

Why  do  Hon.  Forker  of  O-hio 

Feel  so  just  about  Negro-race  ? 

Are  he  Senator  from  Brownsville 

That  he  is  dutifully  obliged 

To  make  them  hurt  sounds 

When  chocolate  citizenship  is  insult?" 

"Tut!    Tut!" 

Abjurgate  them  thoughtless  Fowl, 


88  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Hon.  Forker  have  very  scholarly  brain-thoughts; 
He  remind  himself  of  poetry  by  Mother  Geese, 
"  'Bah,  bah,  Black  Vote, 

Have  you  any  pull  ?' 
Hon.  Forker  is  such  Dark  Horse  now 
That  he  enjoy  complete  eclipse,  thank  you." 
And  them  peculiar  Chicken  make  knocking  noise  with  bill. 

Told  me  in  harmony,  raving  Tom-sparrow, 

Why  did  all  patriotic  persons 

Make  such  elaborate  hand-clasp 

With  red  automobile 

And  other  National  emblems 

When  Hon.  Eugene  Schmitz 

Broke  jail  ? 

What  did  he  done  in  jail 

To  give  him  such  cleanly  reputation 

In  them  few  months  ? 

"Cluck!     Cluck!" 

Modulate  them  demented  species  of  Duck, 

"It  is  surprisingly  useless  to  deposit  Hon.  Grafters  in  jail. 

Because  for  reason: 

If  a  person  is  a  great  enough  Grafter 

To  go  jail, 

Then  he  must  be  great  enough  Grafter 

To  get  out. 

San  Francisco  is  excited  about  Local  Talent." 

Thus  saying  it,  them  April  Foolish  Bird 

Make  a  noise  like  Emma  Goldman 

And  flatter  away 

In  direction  of  Boise  City,  Idaho. 

Hoping  you  are  sufficiently  discouraged, 
Yours   truly, 

HASHIMURA    TOGO. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  89 

S.P.  —  From  daily  print  I  see  it  how  one  tame 
sculptor  of  Utah  have  cut  out  one  famous  statue 
called  "Monument  to  Gulls."  This  to  be  stood 
up  in  Salt  Lake  City.  Would  not  such  a  monu 
ment  look  more  sentimental  in  Wall  Street  ?  I 

require  no  answer. 

H.  T. 


XI 

EDUCATION    IN    AMERICAN    LANGUAGE 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  April  loth. 
To    Fashionable  Creator  of  Newspaper  Talk. 

DEAR  MR. —  When  first  time  your  printer 
put-in  my  letter  I  am  so  happy  I  feel  very  dis 
couraged  to  write  more.  "  Banzai !  I  shall  make 
literary  career  of  myself!"  This  shout  from 
me.  Literary  writing  must  be  good  job  for  all 
Americans  not  fit  for  honest  work.  I  am  under 
stood  to  be  told  that  Hon.  Jack  London  receive 
for  price  from  I5c  to  2oc  for  each  word  he  make. 
This  is  so  very  easy  way  it  appear  deceptive. 
How  should  I  prosper  in  such  a  Graft!  At  2oc 
for  each  word  how  happy  for  Japanese  Boy! 
By  early  morning  I  should  go  to  fashionable 
American  restaurant  and  require  of  Waiter, 
"Hon.  Sir.,  deliver  to  me  I  plate  ham  &  2  eggs, 
please!"  This  would  be  the  number  of  12  words 
@  2oc  per  word  —  therefore  bringing  me  the 
price  $2.40!  Breakfast  might  cost  7JC,  Waiter 
might  require  25c  to  tip  himself,  yet  Waiter  must 
still  owe  Japanese  Boy  $1.40,  which  is  balance  of 
$2.40  for  them  12  words  I  said. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  91 

Immediately  I  became  great  Author  in  my  brain- 
thoughts.  I  make  running  stampede  to  publick 
Library  and  read  "  I2th  Night,"  by  Shakespeare  of 
England  and  "Friday  the  I3th"  by  Lawson  of 
Boston,  so  as  to  learn  both  ends  of  the  American 
language.  I  learn  considerable  extinct  vocabulary 
from  both  of  these  gentlemen,  then  I  set  down  with 
ink-stand  to  write  I  letter  to  you. 

It  is  not  equal  to  human  justice,  Mr.  Editor, 
that  you  send  me  $4.34  in  postage  stamps  as  reply 
payment  to  this.  What  to  do  with  these  stamps  ? 
217  2c  postages  require  considerable  correspon 
dence  to  get  away  from.  To  waste  these  postages 
I  have  wrote  following  correspondence: 

1.  To  New  York  Newspaper  already  10  letters 
which  you  know  of. 

2.  To  Uncle  Hashimura  of  Kobe,  6  letters  of 
painful  truth. 

3.  To    Miss   Alice    Furioki,    pleasant   lady   of 
yellow  extraction,  13  letters  on  sweetheart  subjects. 

4.  To     Pres.     Roosevelt,     King     Edward,     F. 
Augustus    Heintz    &    Eugene    Schmitz   48    total 
letters. 

These  make  all  together  77  stamps  used  up. 
Therefore  I  have  got  remaining  in  my  pocket  140 
stamps,  many  of  which  is  ruined  by  wear.  In 
next  payment  for  my  literary  letters  would  you 
be  so  regardless  as  to  make  reply  in  nickel-pieces  ? 


92  LETTERS  OF  A 

These  moneys  is  small,  but  very  good  for  Japanese 
education.     Thanks    so   many! 

If  I  could  get  good  job  somewhere  writing 
novel-books  I  would  learn  this  American  language, 
which  is  hard  thing  to  do  because  so  full  of  words. 
American  gentlemen  I  have  speaked  to  employ 
the  2  following  kinds  of  conversation: 

1.  Kind  what  is  discovered  in  Dixionary  book. 

2.  Kind  what  is  not  there. 

In  Dixionary  of  Hon.  Noah  Webster  there  con 
tain  26,000  language-words  to  talk.  It  took  this 
gentleman  lifetime  to  do  so.  To  speak  American 
language  it  is  necessary  to  learn  them  26,000 
natural  words,  which  I  have  did,  thank  you.  But 
it  is  useless  to  try  so  hard  because  Elsewhere- 
words  is  commonly  used  for  conversation.  Where 
must  Japanese  Boy  go  to  obtain  such  talk  ? 

My  cousin  Nogi  explain  this  answer.  He 
say  that  Elsewhere-words  of  American  mans 
is  called  "Slank,"  which  means  "  talking- with- 
words-that-is-found-here-and-there."  Dixionary 
talk  is  good  for  church  sociables,  high-schools,  and 
professors;  Slank  talk  is  good  for  riots,  prize 
fighting,  newspapers,  colleges,  and  all  kinds  of 
energy.  Both  are  good  ways  to  know. 

Frequently  in  walking  about  sidewalk  I  hear 
gentlemans  cry,  "24  for  you!"  This  is  signal 
for  great  laugh  which  all  do.  I  can  not  tell  when 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  93 

to,  so  I  do  not.  What  then  is  so  humoristic 
about  this  number  "24"?  Would  not  number 
12  or  number  14  do  equally  fine  for  laughing 
purposes  ?  I  require  to  know. 

Lemons,  too,  is  comic  fruit  for  Slank-talking 
persons.  Joking-gentlemans  deliver  these  lemon 
fruit  to  each  other  for  holiday  gift.  It  is  insulting 
not  to  laugh  when  this  is  done. 

To-day  I  speak  to  Hon.  Mr.  Strunsky,  Irish 
gentleman,  about  Hon.  W.  J.  Bryan,  late  President 
of  these  Uniteds  State. 

"Where  has  he  fell  to  ?"  I  require  for  answer. 

"This  Bryan  man  is  dead  one,"  report  Hon. 
Strunsky. 

"So  sorry  —  I  shall  wear  mourning  for  this 
good  man,"  I  reject. 

"Tall  timber  is  place  for  you,"  resume  this 
Strunsky  man  with  laughing  eye. 

"So  sorry  not  to  do,"  I  say  back,  "because 
forest  is  far  distant  from  great  city." 

"Then  pursue  self  around  this  block,  Hon. 
Togo,"  he  compel.  I  do  so,  thank  you.  But 
while  exercising  I  stop  with  abrupt  brain-thought. 
Them  words  of  Mr.  Strunsky  was  less  Dixionary 
talk  than  Slank  talk!  Tell  me,  Mr.  Editor,  how 
should  I  translate  them  conversation  of  Strunsky 
into  Japanese  ? 

It  is  disadvantage  of  American  language  that 


94  LETTERS  OF  A 

gentlemen  cannot  be  insulting  to  each  other 
without  some  impoliteness.  One  gentleman  meet 
some  other  gentleman  at  saloon-corner.  Making 
step-up  to  each  other  one  gentleman  explain, 

"You  are  a  pill!" 

Immediately  following  noises  are  enjoyed: 

1.  Night  cry. 

2.  Broken  property. 

3.  Approach    of   ambulance. 

4.  Silence. 
\ 

In  Japan,  among  top-classes,  trouble  is  enjoyed 

more  peaceably.  Suppose  Count  Noku  desire 
to  have  insult  with  Baron  Obi.  They  shall  meet 
at  lunch,  thank  you,  to  talk  this.  They  first 
disgust  their  appetites  with  tea,  cigarettes,  Japan 
ese  ginger-snaps,  conversation.  Finally  at  last 
Count  Noku  say  to  Baron  Obi, 

"Esteemed  &  high-horse  Samurai,  would  you 
care  to  have  insult  for  me  ?" 

"Magnificent  Count,"  say  this  Obi,  "it  is  your 
exalted  privilege  to  insult  me." 

"Thank  you  for  the  benefit,"  say  this  Noku,  "I 
will  do  so."     And  so  saying  this  he  pull  one  hair 
from  head  of  that  Obi. 

"Ouch,  thank  you,  I  am  insult!"  retort  Baron 
Obi.  Following  this  there  is  quiet  hara-kiri  with 
table-knife. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  95 

At  food-stand  of  Mr.  Swartz  I  often  lunch  there 
for  economy.  Best  nourishment  may  be  obtained 
for  5c  by  ordering  3  sausages  from  Frankfurter 
Germany  with  slice  of  toast. 

Yesterday  I  go  as  customary  to  this.  As 
customary  I  say,  "Give  me  the  same,  those  3 
sausages  from  Frankfurter." 

And  Mr.  Swartz,  turning  to  cookeryman,  cry 
with  voice: 

"Hot-dog!" 

Therefore  I  must  not  eat  them  food  because  it 
is  cannibalism.  If  Mr.  Swartz  is  not  speaking 
Slank  talk,  then  he  should  be  sent  to  prison  for 
Pure  Food  Laws. 

You  may  see,  Mr.  Sir.,  how  it  is  not  safe  to  go 
around  in  this  U.  S.  without  sufficient  Slank 
words.  Japanese  schoolboys  might  be  poisoned 
by  eating  something  which  is  Slank  for  something 
else.  To  example  this  danger,  my  cousin  Nogi 
say  how  Hon.  Casey  of  Labouring  Union  is  "a 
lobster."  I  am  very  fond  to  eat  lobster,  but  I 
should  disgust  to  eat  this  Mr.  Casey. 

I  have  been  collecting  them  Elsewhere-words 
all  day  and  have  congregated  quite  a  cluster  of 
Slank  talk  which  I  shall  put  into  Dixionary  for 
Japanese  Schoolboys.  I  am  very  excited  when 
I  think  of  this  vocabulary.  I  have  arranged 
many  of  them  raggle-time  speeches  into  following 


96  LETTERS  OF  A 

poetical  thought  which  I  was  misfortune  enough 
to  sent  with  2c  postage  to  Miss  Alice  Furioki, 
lady  I  tell  you  I  was  engaged  to  marry  with: 

L07ING  SENTIMENT  EXPRESSED  IN  AMERICAN 
LANGUAGE 

How  do  I  stand  in  relation  to  you,  O  Peach  ? 
Is  Japanese  Boy  A.  no.  i  or  twenty-third  in  line  for  your  mis 
behaving  eyes  ? 

Peek-a-boo,  I  am  on  the  wink, 
I  am  batty  in  thoughts, 

Also  insect-house,  because  my  heart  is  mashed! 
It  would  JAR  you  to  know! 
Do  not  give  me  the  refusal  on  neck, 
Do  not  see  me  with  glass-eye. 
Or  present  frost-mitten  with  cod-fish  expression, 
O   exquisite   one;  O   tootsy-woot, 

0  Pansy. 

Must    I    remain    infinitely    distant    among    waving   of  Tall 

Grass  ? 

Or  must  I  get  more  closer,  more  cozy-corner, 
More  next  ? 

Can  not  this  Japanese  be  candy-boy  for  you, 
•  Sure-thing,    bet-your-life,    O    joy? 
To  be  Johnny-on-dot  for  you, 
To  pay  steady  car-fare  (when  possible) 
This  would  be  ticket  for  Girl  Proposition. 
Such  a  cheese! 

On  the  death,  are  you  giving  me  some  string, 

Are  you  hot-airing  me  ? 

How  about  waiting  at  church  ? 

Will  it  be  yet,  if  not  soon  ? 

1  require  for  answer 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  97 

As  p.  d.  q.  as  possible,  O  Fluffy  Ruffles  — 

Otherwise 

No  wedding  gong  for  Japanese  Boy! 

These  answer  from  that  lovely  Japanese  come 
back  by  gallop  response: 

DEAR  SIR — Your  poetry  in  Swedish  language  is  here, 
thank  you  to  understand.  I  shall  ask  Hon.  Mrs.  Johannes- 
senn  to  translate  this,  if  respectable.  I  am  not  awaiting  some 
reply  for  this.  Yours  thankfully, 

ALICE  FURIOKI  (Miss). 

Perhapsly,  Mr.  Editor,  you  had  more  better 
postpone  my  wedding  with  her.  Besides  this  she 
has  recently  married  my  cousin  Nogi,  which  is 
very  selfish  act. 

In  Japan  there  is  a  quaint  rhythm-song  which 
is  sang  by  all  philosophers  and  gentlemen  engaged 
for  marriage.  It  is  like  these  in  Japanese. 

Ichi-ho,  pachi-ko, 

Nagasaki    run  — 
Sago-man,     koko-man, 

Bun,  bun,  bun! 

This  words  when  translated  to  American  say 
like  these:  "Going  around  makes  returning  in 
circles,  but  continuing  that  may  keep  up."  This 
is  very  wise  poem  —  but  what  does  it  mean  ?  In 
some  way  it  are  like  American  Slank  talk. 

All    well    here    except    J.     Furo,  who  is   not. 
Yours   truly, 

HASHIMURA   TOGO. 


XII 

THE    VISIT    OF     THE     FLEET    TO     SAN     FRANCISCO 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  May  6th. 

To  Editor  New  York  newspaper  who  I  occasionally 
trust  &  often  admire  for  quotation  from  Hon. 
Browning. 

MR. — O  !  !  !      Patriotick  banzai  of  hurrah! 

America  Fleet  of  Roosevelt  Excursionists  have 
arrive  to  S.  F.  Ferry  Depot. 

I  would  of  send  this  by  wire-telegraf,  but  Hon. 
Operator  was  inattentive  about  me  when  I  have 
no  price  sufficiently  much  to.  He  say:  "Who- 
pay?"  I-say:  "Hon.  Editor."  "Hon.  Editor 
may-be-so  will,"  he  demure  and  resume  job  of 
tick-tick.  Good-by  for  me. 

Morning  of  fleet-arrive  was  splandid.  By 
early  hour  of  day  all  S.  F.  persons  has  clus 
tered  therselves  on  tip  of  hills  &  suppression  of 
excitement  was  enjoyed.  Considerable  watching 
occurred.  Barking  of  dogs  was  strangled  by  collars, 
infant  babies  which  desired  to  weep  was  spanked 
for  prevention  of.  Silences.  Depressed  banners 
was  held  in  American  hands  to  get  ready  wave  it. 

Many  persons  in  Sabbath  clothings  was  there, 
98 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  99 

including  1,000  Japanese  Spies  which  were  very 
nice  behaviour.  I  was  nationally  proud  of  them. 

Of  suddenly,  Oh  !  !  ! 

Through  crack  of  Goldy  Gate,  what-see  ? 
Maglifisent  sight  of  marine  insurance!  Floating 
war-boats  of  dozens  approaching  directly  straight 
by  line  &  shooting  salutes  at  people.  On  come 
them  Imperial  Navy  of  Hon.  Roosevelt  &  Hon. 
Hobson;  what  heart  could  quit  beating  at  it? 
Such  white  paint  —  like  bath-tub  enamel,  only 
more  respectful  in  appearance. 

All  shout,  all  maddy  banzai,  including  me  & 
Cousin  Nogi  which  was  wishing  that  Hon.  Togo 
could  been  there  to  shoot  in  opposite  direction. 
Would  it  not  been  a  impressive  pair  of  naval 
spectacles  ?  I  ask  to  know. 

From  collected  J  million  of  persons  on  hills  cf 
S.  F.  one  mad  yall  of  star-spangly  joy.  Fire-crack 
salute,  siren  whistle,  honk-horn,  megaphone, 
extra  edition,  tenor  solo  —  all  connected  together 
to  give  impressions  of  loyal  panderonium.  What 
say  Lord  Macawber,  English  history-poet,  in 
"Lies  of  Ancient  Rome"  ? 

"And  even  the  ranks  of  Tuskagee 
Could  scarce  forbear  a  cheer." 

(I  wish  I  could  sent  this  wire-telegram  for  speed. 
Please  excuse  sneer  from  Hon.  Operator.) 


ioo  LETTERS  OF  A 

I  have  n't  yet  saw  them  gallant  Adm.  Robert  D. 
Evans,  but  I  take  delicious  look  at  Hon.  Battle- 
boat  Conn,  by  2  opera  glasses  (kindness  loan  of 
Cousin  Nogi)  &  there  I  see  one  commanding  figure 
stooding  on  \  deck  where  shoot  &  shell  might  go 
muckraking  four  &  aft,  if  such  a  rude  target- 
practice  was  going  on.  Was  man  I  seen  them 
famous  sea-doggy  what  have  drove  that  fleet  from 
N.  Y.  to  S.  F.  while  enjoying  twitches  of  pain  what 
would  make  considerable  Heroes  want  to  quit  ? 
If  that  man  I  seen  was  Hon.  Evans,  Japanese 
Samurai  wants  to  remove  cap  to  him.  He  are  not 
a  Hero  —  he  are  a  Marter,  which  is  a  Hero  tied 
to  a  post. 

(When  Hon.  Operator  seen  my  telegraf  he-say: 
"What  language  is  them  wrote  in?"  I  am 
confused.) 

For  space  of  several  next  days  this  Hon.  City 
are  overcame  by  considerable  Program.  Some 
thing  go  on  each  elsewhere  including  new-build 
section  &  also  places  where  remainders  of  Hon. 
Earthquack  are  still  enjoyed.  Following  was  did 
from  what  little  I  was  aware: 

Wed.  —  Toot  -  whistle,  anchor  -  fleet,  boom- 
salute —  hurrah!  Hon.  Mr.  Mayor  Taylor  & 
High  Governor  Gilette  go-see  Flagship  Conn. 
"How-do,  Adm.  Evans!"  Fleet  shake-hands 


zr, 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  lot 

with  yackts,  tug-boats,  ferry-boats  &  all  official 
vehicles.  Hon.  Evans  come  shore.  Salutes. 
Honk-auto  to  Hotel  Fairmont  where  Adm.  Evans 
meet  Mrs.  Evans.  More  salutes.  All  Hon. 
Officers  come  march-in  with  un-officered  excite 
ment.  Quiet  bouquets.  By  evening  Hon.  Sec. 
Metcalf  enjoy  grand  waltz-time  Hotel  Fairmont. 
I  am  not  familiar  with  when  this  was  expected  to 
burst  up. 

Thur.  —  Awful  important  parade  along  line 
of  march  including  National  Guard  and  other 
private  carriages.  American  standing  army  was 
included  in  this  together  with  such  Generals  as 
was  there.  All  blue-jackets,  marines  &  officers 
march  in  this;  but  Hon.  Battleboats  did  not 
come  ashore,  because  they  could  not  do.  Market 
Street  all  bunted  with  red,  white  &  blue  &  4th 
of  July  enjoyed  by  all.  Fatigue  of  march  was 
added  to  by  speeches.  By  evening  some  more 
waltz-time  for  Hon.  Officers.  Hon.  Sailors  must 
not  be  careless  about  steam-beer.  All  burst  up 
by  early  clock. 

Fri.  —  All  go  visit  Hon.  America  Fleet.  Great 
relays  of  persons  in  boat-loads  because  everybody 
was  anxious.  Visitors  including  of  College  Presi 
dents,  Labouring  Unions,  Society,  Persons  & 


OF  A 

many  more.     Special  reception  was  gave  to  1,000 
Japanese  Spies  which  came  with  kodaks. 

Sat.  —  This  day  has  not  arrived  yet;  but  we 
expect  it. 

Mr.  Editor,  I  am  anxious  to  where  them  Hon. 
Fleet  will  next  go  by  departure.  Will  Japan  be 
visited  firstly  &  then  some  Christian  country, 
or  will  it  be  visa-vis?  I  ask  to  know,  because  way 
them  Fleet  act  are  highly  probable  to  Japanese 
Schoolboy. 

Will  you  please  wrote  letter  to  Hon.  Metcalf 
nflaming  him  about  not  having  them  Hon.  Fleet 
go  visit  China  ?  After  U.  S.  Navy  have  saw  Japan 
she  will  not  care  go  China,  I  say  it  because.  Japan 
are  a  deliciously  arranged  country  with  hot  & 
cold  water  in  all  rivers  and  streams.  Japan  are 
picturesque  with  addition  of  all  modern  improve 
ment.  America  tourist  can  go  top  of  anteek  tem 
ple  Nara,  by  all-night  elevator  service.  2c  tip  for 
this.  Geisha-girl  do  quaint  dance  to  Edison 
phonograph  musick.  Jinrikisha  run  by  gasolene 
motor  make  very  speed  time.  Japan  are  a  very 
antiseptick  island  full  of  Art.  America  fleeters 
will  enjoy  this  &  buy  souvenirs  for  minus  price. 
Pleasant  farewell,  Hon.  America,  &  no  fights  with 
Togo. 

But  China!!     Such  eye-pain  of  Nations  where 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  103 

virtues  is  considerably  extolled  upon  hon.  tablets  of 
ansisters,  but  them  hon.  relicks  is  seldom  washed, 
so  that  they  can't  not  be  read.  That  is  one  king 
dom  where  enlightenment  is  unacquainted,  where 
derby  hats  is  unknown,  where  book-keeping  & 
stenography  is  not  even  worshipped  for  its  good 
qualities!  Entire  towns  &  counties  of  them 
ignorant  kingdom  is  gave  over  to  pipe-hitting 
ceremony  of  opium  sniff,  which  is  a  insiderous 
poison  that  give  sweet  imagination  which  is  fol 
lowed  by  entire  unfhness  for  feetball,  predatory 
wealth  and  anything  else  what  is  useful  & 
American.  I  give  you  my  entire  insurance,  Mr. 
Editor,  China  are  a  race  of  pig-tail  mollycuddles. 
Why  should  civilized  kingdom  wish  to  retain  open 
door  with  China  ?  It  would  be  more  delicate  to 
close  such  a  door  &  keep  off  pungus  odour  of 
opium-smoke  &  heathen  punk-stick. 

There  is  two  kind  of  Heathens,  Mr.  Editor. 
One  kind  worship  gods  what  is  placed  on  tiled 
pedistals  of  Portland  Cement  &  treated  with 
hydrogen  peroxide  to  remove  affectionate  germs. 
Other  kind  of  Heathens  adore  idles  made  of  wood, 
which  it  are  a  sacrilage  to  scrub,  because  it  would 
remove  sacred  associations  including  typhoid, 
tuberculosis  &  social  unrest. 

Please  to  no  let  Hon.  Fleet  visit  China.  All 
Japanese  are  sorry  because  Hon.  China  are  so 


ic4  LETTERS  OF  A 

wicked.  Some  day  that  dear  Japan  will  annex 
China  for  personal  property,  then  America  fleet 
can  visit  &  see  how  clean  &  smooth  Heathens  can 
be  when  treated  by  Japan. 

Hon.  Wu,  Chinese  minister  of  sinful  profile, 
oftenly  make  comick  speeches  before  American 
Y.  M.  C.  A.  He  tell  what  a  human  person  Chinese 
can  be,  he  relate  about  "awakening  of  China"  & 
is  a  pretty  good  Irishman  for  repartee.  Maybe 
China  are  awake,  but  she  have  missed  her  train. 

Please  don't  listen  to  Mr.  Wu,  Hon.  Sir!  Listen 
to  Baron  Takahira  who  never  says  nothing,  and 
therefore  is  a  very  good  embassy.  Baron  Taka 
hira  are  a  Diplomatick  Stroke,  while  that  Hon. 
Wu  are  nothing  but  a  Yellow  Peril. 

Little  Annie  Anazuma,  8-year-age  daughter  of 
I.  Anazuma,  Japanese  barber,  are  now  nine  years 
of  oldness.  Because  of  her  extreme  youngness  she 
must  be  led  to  high-tip  of  Russia  Hill  to  see  im- 
proach  of  America  Fleet,  because  she  are  interested 
in  naval  affairs. 

While  I  hold  her  to  shoulder  for  see  better  them 
cast-iron  delegation  swim  by  on  wave  she  declare: 

"Why  are  such  demonstration  of  monstrous 
floaters  here  now,  Uncle  Togo?" 

'To  have  wholesome  effect  on  certain  Oriental 
Power,"  I  collapse  with  very  Tafty  expression  of 
publick  knowledge. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  105 

"What  effect  will  such  floating  have  on  certain 
Oriental  Power?"  require  little  Annie. 

"Them  Oriental  Power  will  build  ten  new 
Dreadnoughts  instead  of  six,"  I  relegate. 

"  So  joyful ! "  tabulate  little  Annie.  "  Then  such 
Oriental  Power  will  be  head  of  all!" 

"Delay  to  rejoice,"  I  subtract.  "When  Hon. 
England  see  this  he  will  built  twelve  new  fight- 
ships  of  Lusitania  class,  Germany  will  construct 
fourteen  new  shoot-boats  of  Fatherland  type, 
America  will  consult  Senator  Burton  &  think 
of  appropriating  something  some  time  for  a 
gunboat." 

"Great  war  will  ensue  when  them  Navies  is 
did!"  narrate  little  Annie. 

"Stop  suddenly!"  I  dib.  "When  all  them 
Dreadnought  navies  is  completed  they  will  dis 
covery  that  they  are  five  years  out  of  style  and  will 
be  useful  as  ferryboats." 

"That  will  be  comfortable  for  peaceful  pic- 
nicks,"  derange  that  little  Annie  which  have  close, 
childish  brain. 

"What  say  Hon.  And.  Carnegie  about  battle 
ships?  He-say:  'More  elaborate  you  built 
navies,  more  peaceful  Hon.  World  will  get. 
Large  steel  ship  are  good  thing  for  business  of 
Hague/  he-say." 

"Large  steel  ship  are  good  thing  for  business  of 


io6         JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

Hon.    Carnegie,"  corrode  little   Anne   Anazuma, 
who  is  an  advanced  kindergarten. 

Hoping  I  will  be  present  to  get  it  when  your  Hon. 
Office  Lad  are  fired  off,  I  am 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XIII 

FLIGHTY   NAVIGATION  OF  AIR 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  June  2d. 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  which  sores 
alof  like  eagly-bird  which  have  a  noble  habit 
of  being  flighty. 

DEAREST  SIR  —  I  am  given  to  be  understood 
by  newspaper  information  that  Right  Bros, 
famous  airnots,  has  solved  problemb  of  air 
navigation  again  by  very  delicious  wreckage. 
Them  Right  Bros  fly-tests  is  always  shot  off  with 
entire  secrecy,  so  that  Japanese  navy  won't  be 
there  to  represent  itself.  This  time  them  sky-boat 
manoever  were  witnessed  by  less  than  2,000 
persons,  mostly  reporters,  inventors  &  foreign 
powers,  who  seen  very  nicely  from  bushes  25 
miles  away  where  they  was  hid  out  of  range  of 
Hon.  Right's  shoot-gun. 

New  airship  of  Right  Bros  is  called  Mud  Hen 
II.,  because  them  crafts  should  all  be  named  after 
some  bird  what  they  act  like.  Hon.  Bell's  air- 
boat  are  called  " White  Wings"  because  they 
never  grow  weary  of  trying  to.  That  Mud  Hen 
II.  are  a  6-cylinder,  runabout  type  of  airoplane 

107 


io8  LETTERS  OF  A 

built  on  model  of  3  pancakes  and  worked  with 
strings  which  Hon.  Right  have  attached  to 
thumbs  &  toes.  To  start  them  ship  Hon.  Right 
lays  himself  on  stummick  and  runs  the  engine 
with  his  teeth.  When  he  wish  to  go  up  he  raise 
elbows  &  depresses  toes.  When  he  wish  to 
come  down  he  stand  on  his  head. 

On  this  trip  Right  Bros  start  navigating  from 
Killed  Devil  Hill,  which  is  in  Southern  states. 
After  considerable  scientifick  prepare  them  ship 
were  seen  to  make  following  emotion: 

I — It  went  up. 

2 — It    came    down. 

After  successful  flight  Orville  Right  were 
found  comfortably  setting  on  his  airship  in  middle 
of  Elkins  swamp.  Except  for  2  wings  fraxured, 
engine  twisted  off,  propeller  gone  &  framework 
on  fire,  them  machinery  landed  without  a  mishap. 
Hon.  Right  were  congratulating  himself  by 
shaking  his  broken  hand. 

Hon.  Reporter  from  McClunsey's  Magazine 
came  up  to  say:  "I  represent  it." 

Silence  from  Hon.   Right. 

"What  natural  views  do  you  possess  of  mind 
about  future  development  of  airoplanes  for  carry 
ing  persons  for  traffick  ?"  require  Hon.  Muckrake. 

"I  refuse  to  answer,"  response  Hon.  Right 
with  E.  H.  Harriman  signals. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  109 

"Oh  so  hurrah!"  collapse  them  Hon.  Reporter. 
"  I  got  scoop  news  for  McClunsey's  Magazine. 
HON.  RIGHT  HAVE  SPOKE  FOR  FIRST  TIME!!  " 

Mr.  Editor,  I  am  morely  assured  that  aireal 
navigation  will  be  very  cheap  sport  for  poor  mans. 
Hickory  wood  are  cheap,  canvas  are  cheap,  nails 
are  cheap  &  life  are  cheap.  All  them  is 
necessary  for  one  good  airship.  You  can  borrow 
I  gas-engine  from  another  automobile.  Next 
choose  some  bird  what  look  safe  &  intelligent  & 
built  your  fly-machine  to  resemble  it.  If  you 
admire  for  pidgeons,  then  built  one  pidgeon-toe 
air-plane.  If  you  think  hawks  is  most  pleasant 
fliers,  all  well;  then  make  a  hawkish  air-boat. 
Nail  all  them  airship  together  with  considerable 
canvas  &  light  hickory  corners,  fasten  on  them 
gas-engine  what  you  have  borrowed,  carry  such 
machinery  to  vacant  plains  &  teach  it  to  fly  like 
the  bird  what  you  admire  most  much. 

All  airships  can  fly,  but  some  of  them  is  very 
hard  to  teach. 

Last  yesterday  I  was  tooking  a  feet-walk  by 
lonesome  hill  of  Berkeley.  Among  daisy-cup 
grassy  of  steep  slope  I  seen  some  machinery  in 
attitude  of  mechanical  expectation.  It  were  a 
very  cross-looking  machinery  like  a  bisickel 
whose  mother  was  a  sail-boat.  Several  Hon. 


no  LETTERS  OF  A 

Professors  was  standing  around  to  encourage 
Hon.  Airnot  with  statistick  about  dying  for 
science.  Hon.  Airnot  speak  of  relatives  in  Kan 
sas  City  and  regret  sinful  youth  with  considerable 
paleness. 

"What  you  so  trembly  for?"  eject  Professor 
with  Ben  Tillman  expression.  "Are  it  possibly 
that  you  are  afraid  to  go  up  ?" 

"O  earnestly  no!"  collapse  them  Airnot, 
"  I  are  entirely  fearless  about  going  up  but  it  are 
thoughts  of  going  down  what  give  me  them  quaker 
feeling  at  elbow." 

More  excitable  preparation  then.  One  Pro 
fessor  arrive  with  tex-book  entitle,  "How  Do  It 
to  Fly";  yet  some  other  bring  telescope  for  see 
him  long  off.  One  medical  Doctor  was  also 
present  with  muck-rakes,  etc.,  so  as  to  scrape 
them  Airnot  off  trees  in  case  of.  Nervous  tense 
enjoyed  by  all. 

So  Hon.  Airnot  say  farewell  speek  to  persons 
present,  including  Hon.  Wife  who  was  in  Chicago. 
He  also  mention  several  technical  terms  with 
considerable  emotion  &  all  Scientists  present 
weep  with  eyes.  Next  he  place  self  carefully  to 
seat  with  assistants  of  one  Irish  man  what  was 
there  merely  to  labour.  Silence  for  pulses. 

"Are  you  ready?"  inquire  Hon.  Professor 
with  voice. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  in 

"Are!"  response  them  birdy  hero. 

"Then  go  it!"  suggest  Hon.  Professor.  Awful 
breathlessness.  Hon.  Airnot  with  brave  grasp 
of  wrist  throw  handle-crank  to  start  engine. 
Nothing  happen.  Surprise  from  all.  Hon. 
Airnot  then  speak  automobile  language  &  pull 
more  crank-wheel  with  thumbs.  Complete 
indifference  from  them  engine. 

"Chaloric  energy  are  hypnotized,"  say  one 
Scientist  who  supposed  he  knew. 

"You  have  forgot-it  to  put  in  gasolene," 
corrode  Irish  man  what  was  there  to  labour. 

"So  have!"  say  Airnot.  So  Hon.  Gasolene 
was  poured  to  engines  with  can. 

Once  more  prepare  to  start.  Hon.  Airnot 
take  seat.  Quick  jerk  to  crank-handle.  O 
banzai!  Whirr  of  angry  rages  from  engine. 
Entire  fly-machine  get  palpitation  to  resemble 
rooster  severed  from  its  brains.  Irish  man  give 
shove,  &  complete  bird-boat  motor  along  ground^on 
bisickel  wheels.  More  fast  &  more  faster  it 
go,  kicking  up  pebbles  in  frantick  enjoyment, 
some  time  rising  to  astonishy  hight  of  \  inch, 
now  &  yet  bumptious  to  large  stone  and  appear 
ing  anxious  to  fly,  but  not  sure  how;  till  of  sud 
denly  it  make  very  restful  flop  against  fence-post 
&  stop  desiring  to  continue. 

Loud  shouting  from  all  Airo  Clubs  present. 


1 12  LETTERS  OF  A 

"I  ask  to  know,"  I  require,  "for  why  does  all 
make  such  pagan  noise  of  gladness  ?" 

"For  following  reason,"  decrop  one  Professor, 
"because  aireal  navigation  are  solved." 

"All  airships  is  modeled  to  resemble  some 
kind  of  birds,"  I  say  for  interview.  "Some  to 
resemble  sparrows,  some  to  resemble  hawk  — 
what  species  of  birdy  are  this  fly-boat  modeled 
to  resemble?" 

"It  are  modeled  to  resemble  a  ostrich,"  say 
Hon.  Airnot,  picking  up  some  fingers  he  lost. 

"  But  a  ostrich  are  not  able  to  fly,"  I  snuggest. 

"Neither  are  this  airship,"  say  Hon.  Airnot  in 
whispering  voice  so  as  U.  S.  Govt  might  not 
overheard. 

So  all  sujurn  to  Airo  Club  banquet  with  excep 
tion  of  Hashimura  Togo  &  Hon.  Irish  which 
was  not  invited.  We  set  together  on  grassy  hill 
for  slight  conversation  about  human  progress. 

"Of  surely,  Mike,"  say  Irish  with  smoke-pipe 
of  dangerous  shortness,  "airshipping  are  a 
grand  sporty." 

"It  are  still  a  low-down  science,"  I  mangle. 

"Why  a  package  of  fools  should  do  it,  I  am 
willing  to  be  searched,"  he  dib.  "They  spend 
i,ooo's  of  dollar  to  make  such  a  mechanical 
rooster  what  we  seen  this  afternoon.  They  work 
for  2  year  to  nail  it  together,  they  hire  famous 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  113 

Airnot  from  Kansas  City,  they  get  names  in  paper 
&  all  Science  must  stop  thinking  about  serious 
things  because  they  are  so  excited.  Then  great 
day  arrive.  All  ready  —  whoof !  $6,000  airboat 
make  flopping  emotion  and  go  bust  by  fence-post. 
Everybody  happy  to  go  home  &  construpt  more 
airboats." 

"Great  things  of  World  are  built  in  them  way," 
I  corrode  for  dignity. 

"Southern  Pacifick  Railway  were  not  built 
in  them  way,  you  can  bet  it,"  say  Irish. 

"It  will  be  a  cheap  way  to  travel  in  future," 
I  nudge. 

"It  are  not  cheap  way  to  travel  in  present," 
decry  that  Hon.  Irish.  "By  counting  up  all 
axidents,  break-ups,  refusals  to  go,  unwillingness 
to  stay  up  when  started  there,  etc.,  it  are  com 
puted  by  Scientists  that  airships  has  cost  $1,000 
for  every  yard  they  has  flew  through  air." 

"Such  an  expensive  car-fare!"  I  derange. 

"Rates  like  them  should  be  regulated  by 
Congress,"  negotiate  Hon.  Irish,  collecting 
together  fractional  pieces  of  airship  what  was 
strewed  apart  over  hillside. 

Arthur  Kickahajama,  missionary  boy,  are  being 
a  heathen  awhile  this  summer  because  it  are 
vacation,  and  because  his  derby  was  thieved  by 


n4  LETTERS  OF  A 

somebody  at  a  Church  Sociable.  Missionary 
lady  say  him,  "Arthur,  you  should  be  a  sunshine." 
He-say,  "Too  much  sunshine  creates  headache. 
I  think  I  shall  put  up  a  umbrella  for  a  temporary 


time." 


Therefore  Arthur  are  very  sinical  &  pessimons 
when  he  speak  of  air  navigation  &  human  races. 

"Airships,"  say  Arthur,  "are  like  souls  of 
people.  There  are  continuous  talk  about  elevat 
ing  human  race;  but  alarmingly  seldom  does  souls 
get  far  enough  off  the  ground  to  create  much 
disturbance." 

"Some  souls  is  like  baloons,"  I  mitigate. 
"They  has  lofty  tendencies,  they  are  rilled  of  gas. 
They  go  up  &  stay  there  where  it  is." 

"It  are  easy  to  be  ideal  like  a  baloon,"  say 
Arthur.  "But  it  are  hard  to  be  ideal  like  a  air 
ship.  To  go  up  on  lofty  thought  &  stay  up  there 
floating  around  without  getting  nowhere,  that 
are  job  what  lots  persons  do  &  say,  'O  my,  I  are 
so  High  Mind!'  But  to  go  for  trip  in  high  air  & 
know  where  you  will  arrive  at  —  that  are  job 
for  seldom  and  rare  individuals.  Such  toply 
navigators  can  discover  North  Pole  and  become 
familiar  with  stars.  They  are  not  baloonists 
—  they  are  Poets  .  .  ." 

"Poets  are  continually  getting  bumped  to 
Earth,"  I  indulge. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  115 

"Excuse  me  so,"  say  Arthur,  obtaining  cigar 
ettes  from  me,  "when  not  a  Christian  I  am  a 
free-thinking  Japanese." 

"When  thinking  freely  you  are  most  relidgous," 
I  commute. 

So  we  close  up  by  singing  of  following  song- 
sing  which  sound  very  peculiar  to  musick  of 
samisen,  which  is  a  Jewish  harp  made  in  Yeddo: 

CONVERSATION  BETWEEN   A  JAPANESE  POET 
AND  A  TOM MT  HAWK-BIRD 

O  KO-KO  SAN 
O  SUKI-RAN 

HASHIMURA  ICHI-BAN! 
BUN-BUN! 

In  sufficiently  old-fashion  time 

Of  Japanese  history, 

When  Adam  &  Eve  was  considered  late, 

Bashi-Bashi,  great  Poeter, 

Was  a-laying  near  stream  in  Hokadate. 

Drowdy  song  of  hum-bee 

Was  seen  going  around 

Stinging  sweet  flower  for  honey. 

Hon.  Bashi-Bashi  were  full  of  considerable  lazy  poetry. 

Pretty  soonly 

A  Tommy  Hawk-bird  come  flattering  by  &  perch  on  lim  of  tree. 

"I  wish  I  could  flew  away  like  a  Tommy  Hawk-bird,"  say 

Bashi-Bashi,  because  he  was  a  Poet. 
"Why  you  wish  it?"  require  them  fowel. 
"Because,"  say   Poet  with   music, 
"As  I  was  a  fly-high  animal  like  you, 


n6  LETTERS  OF  A 

Then  I  might  go 

To  Emperor  of  Japan 

And    get    some    salary. 

Then  I  might  fly  to  lettuce-window 

Of  love-lady 

And  decry, 

'Have  Bashi-Bashi,  Japanese  poeter,  got  some  chances   with 
you  ?'  " 

"Such    a    ha-ha!"    salute    them    Hawk-bird, 

"I  have  flew  around  for  years, 

And  never  did  no  such  thing." 

"What  you  did  with  them  power  to  flew  ?"  requite  Poet. 

"I  use  it," 

Say  Hawk-bird, 

"For  respectable  purpose; 

I  are  a  married  Tommy  hawk  — 
What  would  wife  &  eggs  say, 

If  I  was  seen  flewing  around  strange  lettuce-windows 

With  a  voice  full  of  sonnets  ?" 

No  reply  for  him. 

"I  have  also  fly  to  Emperor  of  Japan," 

Say  Hawk-bird. 

"What  he  say?"  demand  Poet. 

"He-say,  'Shoot  them  Hawk 

For    stealing   roosters 

From  Royal  Coop!'" 

O  KO-KO   SAN 

O  SUKI-RAN! 

Bashi-Bashi  lay  silently 

Near  water-cress  of  silverous  stream. 

"Things  what  persons  need,"  he-say, 

"Can  be  obtained  by  walking  for  them,  or  taking  bisickel,  or 

else  they  are  not  to  be  had  nohow." 
Then  he  go  sleep, 
Filled  with  lazy  poetry. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  117 

Mr.  Editor,  all  human  races  wants  something. 
They  are  going  for  it  with  steamboat,  automo 
bile,  rail-train.  Next  they  are  after  it  with  a 
fly-boat.  I  hope  you  will  let  me  know  when  they 

finds  it. 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XIV 

THE  CONVENTIONAL  MEETING  OF  REPS  IN  CHICAGO 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  June  ijth. 

To  Editor  'New  York  Newspaper  which  are  a  good 
advertising  and  spiritualistick  medium  about 
proper  subjects,  but  must  not  mention  pat. 
medicines  because  of  doped  results. 

ASTEAMED  SIR  —  It  are  not  merely  Japanese 
alone  which  is  surprised  &  excited  over  Rep 
National  Convention  meeting  in  Chicago.  All- 
coloured  persons  is  stimulated  by  it  including  Hon. 
Strunsky,  Irish  salooner  by  corner. 

"  It  will  be  very  august  assembly/'  corrode  Hon. 
Strunsky  by  beer-glass. 

"It  will  be  June  assembly  in  newspapers,"  I 
devote.  I  am  suspicious  of  something  humor- 
istick  by  American  eye-wink  from  that  Strunsky. 

"Them  Rep  National  Convention  will  be  like 
a  whale-fish,"  he  persume. 

"  Why  will  it  be  so  whalish  by  nature  ? "  I  ask 
to  know. 

"  Because  of,"  he-say.  "  It  will  be  very  large, 
very  cool  and  full  of  spouts." 

"Are  it  not  wrong  politick  for  Republicans  to  be 


118 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  119 

so  fishy  ?"  I  am  next  to  require,  but  Hon.  Strunsky 
become  busy  with  intemperate  customers. 

Newspaper  reading  of  press  makes  all  Japanese 
Boys  feverish  of  mind  about  such  Conventions 
which  are  representative  and  something  else. 
Presidents  is  manufactured  &  pulled  apart  by 
such  a  Conventions.  Are  it  not  instructiverus  for 
Japanese  Boys  to  learn  how  to  do  such  things 
with  Presidents  ?  So  we  have  such  a  Convention 
for  ourselves  &  trade  pretty  numberous 
thoughts  to-gether  in  dine-room  of  Patriots 
of  Japan  Board  &  Lodging.  Many  ideas  are 
burst  by  this. 

Bunkio  Saguchi,  Japanese  taylor,  sound  key 
note  to  say, 

"I  represent  a  violent  Tafty  sentiment;  there 
fore  I  should  be  interrupted  by  cheers/' 

This  are  arranged  from  all. 

"  I  make  an  emotion,"  discourse  this  Bunkio, 
"that  Hon.  Taft  be  named  by  exclamation." 

"We  are  eager  to  make  Tafty  exclamations," 
rotate  F.  Matsu,  "but  Hon.  Roosevelt  must  be 
nominated  first  by  request." 

"Hon.  Nox  are  more  safely  Pennsylvanian  to 
vote  for,"  erupt  W.  Furo  who  are  a  humourist 
because  of  his  lame  mind. 

Arthur  Kickahajama,  missionary  boy,  say-so, 
"Tarified  statesmen  must  stand  patsy,  resulting 


120  LETTERS  OF  A 

in  pius  victory  for  Jo-uncle  Cannon.  He  are  a 
splandid  Lincoln  Republican  because  of." 

"Because  of  which  ?"  transfer  Nogi. 

"  Because  of  sentimental  whiskers,"  dally  Arthur. 

"You  are  a  Favourite  Son,"  say  Nogi,  who  is 
expert  in  mean  curses. 

More  insults  is  enjoyed.  Then  there  is  hits 
followed  by  jiu  jitsu.  Chair  furniture  is  smashy 
to  window  including  text-book  &  Japanese  break- 
a-brack.  Intermission  by  Police. 

Japanese  Boys  Rep  Convention  adjurned 
sine  diet. 

"O  what  is  so  scarce  as  a  day  in  June  ?"  require 
to  know  Hon.  Seth  Lowell,  American  poeter. 
Answer  to  this  is,  "Republican  Convention  in 
June  are  still  more  scarcer."  It  will  of  surely  be 
a  nice  weather-condition  for  Chicago  in  June 
to  have  all  them  assorted  minds  going  assimulusly 
in  middle  of  Lake  Shore.  All  sections  of  Chicago, 
which  are  not  already  occupied  by  Mayor  Busse, 
will  be  full  of  Hon.  W.  Taft.  Flags  bunted  every 
where  with  thrills.  Patriotism  enjoyed  by  all. 

Since  great  World's  Fire  of  1898  Hon.  Chicago 
have  not  saw  anything  outside  of  Hon.  Stock 
yards  so  beautiful  &  talented.  If  you  got  some 
kind  of  brain,  Mr.  Editor,  imagine  with  it! 
Imagine  992  desperate  statesmen  which  has  all 


1.1 

-e    c 


rs      O 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  121 

signed  the  pledge  to  vote  for  something,  then 
approach  together  for  purpose.  Could  eye-flash 
be  omitted,  could  heart-sob  be  out,  could  speech- 
ing  with  voice  be  neglected  for  such  occasion  ? 
Answer  is,  No!  Put  imaginative  opera-glass  on 
them  great  Congregation.  East  &  West,  North 
and  some  sections  of  South,  hit  together  in  firm 
bond  of  union  with  common  devotion  of  patriotick 
thought,  "Let  us  see  Chicago  and  go  home!" 
Loyal  Sons  of  same  fairish  land  parading  under 
banner  of  the  Nice  Old  Party  with  following 
placards  to  show  how  harmonious  they  feel: 

"We  Want  Teddy." 

"We  Don't." 

"Hon.  Fairbanks  is  Tall  &  Fair." 

"Hon.  Nox  is  Short  &  Ugly." 

"Hon.  Cannon  is  a  Big  Boom." 

"Hon.  Cannon  Are  a  False  Report." 

"We  Want  Senator  Forker." 

"We  Want  Rockefeller  —  But  We  Can't  Have 

Him." 

"A  Close  Shave  for  Gov.  Hughes." 
"Hon.  Taft  Will  Put  Down  the  Trusts." 
"Hon.   Cannon  Will   Put  Them  Down   More 

Gently." 

"Roosevelt  Forever!" 
"It  Looks  That  Way." 


122  LETTERS  OF  A 

Mr.  Editor,  if  you  can  imagine  them  things  it  will 
not  be  necessary  for  you  to  buy  ticket  to  Chicago. 
And  yet  them  Convention  will  be  a  great  service 
to  see  because  so  much  of.  Every  State  in  this 
Hon.  Union  will  be  misrepresented  by  some  great 
man  or  another.  Oftenly  two  or  three  statesmen 
will  do  this.  Brains  will  enjoy  fatigue  from 
enormous  Thought.  Prominent  druggers  of  Chi 
cago  will  get  some  permits  to  sell  headache  powders 
to  Delegates  before  &  after  speeches.  When 
nothing  else  seem  important  the  Hon.  Band  will 
play  Star  Spangly  Banner  (national  tune)  and  Hon. 
Delegates  will  play  Poker  (national  game).  Excite 
ment  will  never  lax. 

Little  Annie  Anazuma,  eight-year-aged  daughter 
of  I.  Anazuma,  Japanese  barber,  are  excited 
about  them  Convention  because  she  have  a  con 
ventional  mind. 

"I  read  by  papers,  Uncle  Togo,"  she-say, 
"that  Republican  Convention  will  spend  $3,000 
for  music." 

"Musical  chins  is  expensive,"  I  deploy. 

'Tell  me  to  know,  Uncle  Togo,"  she  submit, 
"what  are  a  Temporarial  Chairman  about  which 
so  much  reading  is  done  of  lately?" 

"A  Temporarial  Chairman  are  a  musician 
hired  to  toot  key-note  for  such  a  Convention," 
I  arrange. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  123 

"What  will  be  key-note  of  Republican  Con 
vention  ?"  require  that  childish  Japanese. 

"You  are  too  young  to  imagine/'  I  collapse. 
"There  must  be  47  key-notes  to  please  all  variety 
of  Republicans." 

"Such  a  chairman  should  be  a  brass  band," 
signify  little  Annie. 

I  am  silent  for  reply. 

"Why  are  Senator  Borrows  called  'Julius 
Caesar '  ?"  are  next  question  for  that  infant  mind. 

"Julius  C.csar  are  name  of  antique  Statesman 
who  was  stabbed,"  I  berate. 

"Will  Hon.  Borrows  enjoy  such  a  stabbing?" 
she  talk  off. 

"Possibly  never,"  I  derange.  "Hon.  Borrows 
will  resume  Hon.  Chair  as  a  very  much  instructed 
Delegate.  He  are  instructed  to  look  patriotick, 
but  not  to  act  too  nervous  about  it.  He  must  not 
do  nothing  to  stampede  them  Convention.  A 
room  full  of  Delegates  are  like  a  yard  full  of  mule- 
horses.  They  are  shy  about  sudden  noises.  They 
have  animal  natures.  They  are  very  anxious  to 
enjoy  a  stampede.  If  Hon.  Temp.  Chairman 
say  'Roosevelt!'  of  sudden  with  voice,  then  such 
kick-over,  snort,  hoof-tramp,  squeal  &  pandero- 
nium  might  ensue  that  Hon.  Roosevelt  might  be 
nominated  before  Hon.  Fire  Dept.  could  burst  in 
&  put  out  enthusiasm  of  with  wet  hoses.  Temp. 


i24  LETTERS  OF  A 

Chairman  must  arouse  Republicans  in  soothing 
sort  of  way.  He  are  allowed  to  mention  patriots 
of  Bunko  Hill;  but  about  San  Juan  Hill  nothing 
to  said.  American  Colonial  History  are  nice  thing 
for  such  occasions. 

"'  Patriots  &  Senator  Penrose,'  would  be  quiet 
sort  of  beginning.  t  What  happen  on  bleak  New 
English  coast  by  several  centuries  of  past-time  ? 
Hon.  Plymouth  Rock  was  discover  by  boat 
Mayflower.'' 

"('  Several  cheers  for  Presidential  Yacht!' 
outcry  California  Delegate  with  stampeding 
motion  of  thumbs.) 

"Pilgrim  Parents  grew  that  Rock  and  we  can 
prove  it,'  delude  that  Hon.  Temp,  *  and  Republican 
Party  are  deliciously  like  them  Plymouth  Rock, 
emblem  of  free  &  brave,  beautiful  American 
ideal  covered  with  moss  and  in  garments  green 
indistinct  in  the  twilight.  Quotation  from  Long 
fellow  - 

"('Our  ticket,  Fairbanks  &  Longfellow!'  say 
voice  from  Indiana.) 

"'Plymouth  Rock  have  stood  stationary  for 
i,ooo's  of  year  and  refused  to  move  itself  for  noth 
ing  or  nobody.  That  are  a  very  dignified  lesson 
for  Republican  Party  to  stand  on.' 

"('Banzai  for  Cannon  &  Fort!'  decry  voice 
with  New  Jersey  accent.) 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  125 

" '  Plymouth  Rock  are  a  silent  tribute  of  strength. 
One  safely  sane  Republican  President  should  be 
such  a  silent  tribute.  What  say  Hon.  Dan  Web 
ster  about  Presidential  candidates?  He-say,  "A 
roaring  stone  pleases  no  boss."  Therefore  let  us 
do  nice  job  by  Republican  faith,  a  faith  what  is 
builded  on  stones  of  ancestors  and  rocks  of  Wall 
Street/ 

"  (Faint  shrieking  of '  Teddy ! '  from  uninstructed 
Arizona  delegate.  Stampede  repressed  by  fire- 
drill.)" 

"Are  Hon.  Caesar  choice  of  Administration  ?" 
enquire  little  Annie. 

"So  sorry  to  reply,"  I  dement.  "Hon.  Bever 
age  are  more  sweethearted  to  Hon.  Administration, 
but  patriotick  Senators  say  he  are  too  intemperate 
with  talk." 

"Prohibition  Republicans  is  opposed  to  all 
Beverages,"  abrogate  little  Annie,  resuming  doll- 
play  of  childhood. 

Hon.  Taft  got  back  shortly  ago  from  Panama 
Canal  where  he  was  sent  to  study  Republican 
Majority.  He  are  now  nervous  about  a  trip  to 
Philippine  Islands  where  he  is  anxious  not  to  be 
needed  till  after  Convention  have  got  through  with 
him.  Hon.  Taft  do  not  seek  no  nomination,  but 
he  are  willing  to  occupy  address  where  he  can  be 


126  LETTERS  OF  A 

found  if  looked  for.  Philippine  Islands  is  too 
distant  for  such  modesty.  If  duty  called  Hon.  Taft 
to  such  farness  away,  I  bet  my  bootware  he  would 
hear  duty  making  race-riot  in  Chicago  during 
middle  of  June. 

Hon.  Taft  are  largest  Policyholder  in  Roose 
velt  Insurance  Society.  He  will  be  nominate  so 
easily  that  it  appear  deceptive.  I  know  because  I 
am  aware.  I  am  sometimes  full  of  rejoice  that  I 
have  not  got  a  ticket  for  that  Hon.  Convention 
because  it  would  be  a  tired  thing  to  set  for  J-day 
race  in  them  Convention  Hall  to  hear  something 
happen  what  you  know  is  arranged  in  advance. 

Mr.  Editor,  newspaper-press  of  all-coloured 
politicks  has  enjoyed  considerable  agony  about 
White  Shadow  of  Administration  hovvering  over 
them  Convention. 

I  presume  of  my  knowledge  that  Hon.  Roosevelt 
are  setting  in  them  Light  House  at  Washington 
suffering  from  pains  in  laughing-bone.  He  hear 
them  Malefactors  nervously  chattering  teeth  about 
III  Term,  he  are  conscious  about  excitement  from 
Subsidized  persons  which  looks  over  shoulders  for 
fearful  of  More  of  It;  he  are  aware  of  very 
solidified  O-Hio  curses  with  instructions  to 
Look  Out. 

But  Hon.  Roosevelt,  setting  in  barber-chair  at 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  127 

Light  House,  are  smoking  smoke  and  carving  on 
deathly  end  of  Big  Club  following  instructions, 

"To  be  Preserved  in  Alcohol  until  Needed  in 
1912." 

"You  have  been  President  once  and  ^,"  say 
Jacob  Riis  from  press  chair. 

"Of  sure  I  have,"  say  Hon.  Pres.,  "and  I  gave 
American  audiences  a  very  nice  performance." 

"Every  good  performance  deserve  an  encore," 
admire  Hon.  Riis. 

"I  have  been  hunting  them  for  several  year," 
say  Hon.  Roosevelt  for  parlayzed  expression  of 
thought.  "And  many  of  them  are  still  alive  & 
savage." 

"What  you  speak  of,"  enquire  Hon.  Riis, 
"them  Trusts?" 

"No,"   renig  Hon.   Roosevelt,   "them  Bears." 

"What  else  to  do  when  all  is  over?"  require 
Hon.  Jake. 

"I  shall  go  to  Wales  and  hunt  rabbits." 

"Why  such  distances  away?"  derange  him. 

"Wales  is  nice  country  for  rests.  In  Wales 
they  do  not  know  a  rebate  from  a  rabbit." 

After  this  is  loud  scratching  from  pencils. 

Hoping  you  will  send  me  a  free  wire  telegraf 
if  Hon.  Roosevelt  gets  elected  by  mistake, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XV 


AMERICA'S  BANG  UP  CEREMONY 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  June  3oth. 

To  Editor  New  York  newspaper  which  act  grand 
to  my  hummbelness. 

DEAR  MR. —  I  am  a  familiar  case.  There 
fore  permit  me  to  ask  one  humour  reproach  about 
something  very  mixed  which  are  going  to  happen 
to  these  U.  S.  July  4th  are  it.  This  ceremony 
have  occur  so  oftenly  to  America  that  persons 
should  be  used  to  it.  Persons  is  mostly  able  to 
get  used  to  whatever  happen  in  eventual  time. 
Japan  have  gradual  became  innocule  to  hon. 
beri-beri,  which  are  a  fine  disease,  if  you  must 
have  one.  Hawaii  islands  also  feels  ditto  about 
lepordsy,  which  are  regarded  a  pretty  custom 
among  natives  who  got  it.  China  are  used  to 
opium-smoke,  England  are  used  to  Parliament. 
Then  why-so  these  America  never  get  used  to 
July  4th  ?  I  ask  to  know. 

Answer  is  this:  She  never  will!  She  think  may- 
be-so  she  might,  when  something  discouridge 
occur.  By  July  4th  morning  she  take  some  nervous 
medecine  to  soothe  it.  She  feels  strongly  better. 

128 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  129 

Joyful  pops  in  distance.  "Ha!"  she  say  for 
bluff,  "  I  am  vaccinated  with  gunpowder."  Louder 
and  more  smashy  become  fusileer  of  bang-bang 
musick  until  some  fraxures  bust  to  window. 
Then  silences.  "Heavenly  praise!"  say  Hon. 
America,  "in  another  minutes  I  should  do  a 
scream."  Of  suddenly  large  curl  of  smoke  are 
saw,  then  roof-afire  followed  by  chicken-yard 
blazes.  Local  hook-corps  come  with  hose  in  time 
to  rake  together  ashes  of  sweet  home  &  fireshade. 
Then  Hon.  America  forget  calm  resolve  &  enjoy 
some  hysterick. 

Sydney  Katsu  Jr.,  who  are  my  affectionate 
chumb,  make  a  humoristick  remark  when  I  tell 
him  this  parabula  about  Hon.  America.  He  say, 
"Hon.  America  can't  no  more  get  used  to  July  4th 
than  she  can  get  used  to  Hon.  Roosevelt."  I  hope 
you  will  convulse  yourself  with  this  joke,  because 
it  sound  very  delicious  in  Japanese. 

I  enquire  of  some  frequent  Americans  why-so 
it  are  necessary  to  blow  up  America  once  annually 
to  make  them  patriotick.  I  am  replied  by 
snickkers  from  many.  Yet  others  indulge  me 
with  following  answer:  "We  must  make  con 
siderable  Jar  in  order  to  remind  us  of  American 
Flag."  So  fooly  excuse!  Do  Hon.  Japan  have 
to  blow  herself  up  once  annually  in  order  to 
remind  her  of  that  dear  sun-banner  ?  Answer  is, 


130  LETTERS  OF  A 

No!!  When  Hon.  Japan  wish  to  remind  herself 
of  Japanese  Flag  she  go  blow  up  Hon.  Russia, 
which  will  do  pretty  well. 

By  last  July  4th,  while  roming  up  San  Francisco 
for  silent  reflecion  on  patriotism,  etc.,  I  am  shook 
around  by  Port  Arthur  explosions  from  all  direc 
tion.  It  were  as  if  Hon.  Inferno  had  got  away 
&  was  scratching  himself  with  thunderbolts. 
Please  imagine  it.  Popcorn  sounds  from  small 
firework  was  aggrevated  by  occasional  intense 
jar  of  mammal  torpedo.  At  corner  of  St.  I  seen 
one  intelligent  American  laddish  boy  age  9 
a-blowing  on  dynamite  fuse  to  make  her  go  up. 

"Before  finishing  yourself,"  I  snuggest  with 
kind  face,  "please  told  me  why  you  wish  make 
such  an  explode." 

"Because  of  Revolutional  War,"  surrogate 
them  tiny  child. 

"  Do  firecrack  blow-up  give  you  some  intelligent 
instructions  about  Revolutional  War  history?" 
I  request  for  answer. 

"Of  sure  it  do!"  declaim  them  kidly  youth 
procuring  flames  from  matchbox. 

"If  you  can  bang  yourself  wise,"  I  dally, 
"please  name  8  generals  what  faught  with  Hon. 
Washington  at  Valley  Forges." 

"Name  them  yourself,"  say  them  child,  "can't 
you  be  able  to  see  how  busy  I  are  ?" 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  131 

And  when  he  thusly  say-it  all  them  firework 
burst  up  &  he  are  blowed  to  ambulance.  I  was 
sorry  to  seen  such  sweet  child  rumpled  by  fire 
works,  so  I  go  hunt  Hon.  Parents  of  him  &  say 
following  for  tearful  eye, 

"Dear  sir,  I  explain  it  that  your  child  are  con 
siderably  bursted." 

"  Boys  will  be  boys,"  say  Hon.  Parents  for 
Christian  Science  expression. 

"  Boys  will  be  angels  when  not  careful,"  I 
relapse  with  Red  Cross  eyewink. 

I  got  personal  trouble  sufficiently  without  July 
4th  to  come  &  add  some  weariness.  My  uncle 
Nichi,  Japanese  carpenter  of  Yeddo,  have  arrive 
to  S.  F.  for  a  very  stretched  visit.  He  are  a 
entirely  jay  Japanese,  considerably  neglectful  of 
American  pant  &  vest,  so  he  stick  by  kimono 
which  should  be  ashamed.  I  fix  a  nice  derby 
hat  on  him,  which  is  fashionable,  yet  I  can  seen 
persons  make  snickker-lip  when  he  pass-by. 
American  derby  annex  to  Japanese  kimono  are 
nice  symbol  of  modern  Japan.  It  appear  quite 
hellish. 

Should  I  drop  Uncle  Nichi  like  a  nusance  ? 
Ah  no!  I  must  retain  him  reverently  because  he 
are  a  \  cousin  to  my  ancestor.  Therefore  I 
entertain  him  to  beer-ceremony  at  saloon  of  Hon. 


132  LETTERS  OF  A 

Strunsky,  Irish  patriot.  Uncle  Nichi  think  beer 
should  be  served  in  a  cup  &  saucer.  He-say 
this  kingdom  give  him  musical  ears  &  a 
brain-ache. 

"Were  America  discover  by  axidents?"  he 
enquire  to  know. 

"Almost  entirely,"  I  congratulate. 

"With  care  it  might  have  been  avoided/'  emit 
that  oldy  man. 

"  Hon.  America  were  discover  by  Mr.  Columbus, 
July  4,  1776,"  I  say  for  slight  bore  of  tone. 

"Tell  me  everything,"  attack  Uncle  Nichi, 
who  expect  to  stay  here  indefinitely. 

"On  them  date  I  said  it,"  is  further  from  me, 
"Hon.  Columbus  approach  to  Boston  with  iron 
fleet.  To  assist  him  was  Gen.  Washington  & 
Gen.  Grant,  both  nice  fighters  and  anxious  to 
get  into  American  history.  Pretty  soonly  they 
seen  monument  of  Bunco  Hill  &  there  —  beholt 
it!  —  was  Brittish  troop  with  flag  by  command  of 
Gen.  Corn  Wallace " 

"Excuse  me  to  interrupt,"  degrade  my  \ 
ancestor.  "If  Hon.  Columbus  discovery  these 
U.  S.  first  what  was  Brittish  troop  doing  there 
already?" 

"Most  schoolboys  is  familiar  with  story,"  I 
dib  with  proud  cigar.  "So  I  may  proceed,  thank 
you.  Hon.  Columbus  land  to  shore  with  blue- 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  133 

jacky  &  quick-fire  ammunition.  'You  must 
fight  us,  please/  he-say  to  Brittish  troop.  *O 
no,  not  to  do!'  they  renig  with  accent,  'We  must 
not  fight  on  July  4th  because  it  are  a  legal  holiday/ 
Therefore  Hon.  Columbus  ship  them  Brittish 
troop  to  Niagara  Fall  &  declare  these  U.  S.  an 
entirely  free  kingdom." 

"And  next  what?"  surrogate  Uncle  Nichi 
wakefully. 

"And  nextly  Hon.  Washington  go  to  Pitts 
burgh  where  he  was  crowned  President  & 
Gen.  Grant  go  Appotomax  where  he  last  all 
summer." 

"And  what  happen  to  Hon.  Columbus?" 
corrode  Unc. 

"He  go  back  to  Spain  where  he  was  lynched," 
I  collapse. 

"  So  July  4th  have  been  occurring  regularly  ever 
since  ?"  he  ask  it. 

"With  regular  explosions,"  I  narrate. 

"Firecracks  are  an  invention  of  the  devil," 
twitch  Uncle  Nichi  for  superstitious  look. 

"They  are  an  invention  of  the  Chinese,"  I 
retard,  "and  that  may  be  quite  similar." 

"Most  crimes  can  be  traced  to  China,"  say 
Nichi  for  racial  prejudice. 

"So  July  4th  will  arrive  presently,"  I  make 
known. 


134  LETTERS  OF  A 

"How  shall  I  know  when  it  is  came?"  he  ask 
to  know. 

"How  can  you  miss  it  ?"  I  bewail. 

"Please  relate  25  or  30  noble  instances  of 
American  patriotism,"  begin  Uncle  Nichi,  but  I 
am  able  to  delude  him  away  for  care-fare  ride 
price  loc. 

Mr.  Editor,  by  most  nearly  genuine  statistick 
$3,000,000  are  burned  off  of  America  by  each 
annual  July  4th.  This  are  sufficient  to  built  i  of 
them  battleships  what  Congress  feel  too  poor  to 
vote.  Six  hundred  persons  is  entirely  killed  by 
this  yearly  bang-up.  Such  a  number  would 
make  a  very  nice  crew  for  such  a  battleship. 
They  might  sail  it  &  never  enjoy  death  until  old 
age  do  it.  Would  it  not  be  a  splandid  plan  for  all 
Americans  to  avoid  purchase  of  firework  for  i 
year  &  sent  the  money  to  Senator  Hobson  to 
buy  such  a  patriotick  boat  ?  It  might  be  painted 
of  red  colour  to  resemble  firecrackers  &  would 
be  a  floating  monument  to  all  brave  Americans 
who  did  not  die  on  July  4th.  I  suggest  an  earnest 
thought. 

Ah,  Mr.  Editor,  I  can  hear  you  said  something 
with  sweet  voice!  I  can  hear  you  said,  "That 
Japanese  Schoolboy  have  a  soul  minus  feet; 
else  why  he  make  such  a  rail  against  July  4th, 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  135 

when  all  them  firework  what  is  burned  for  glory 
are  of  Japanese  parentage?"  Quite  so  truthful 
it  are  for  you  to  speek  this,  Mr.  Editor.  Sky- 
racket,  pinny-wheel,  flower-pottery,  nigger-chase 
&  Romantic-candle  fireworks  was  formerly  of 
Japanese  parentage,  but  they  was  very  temperate 
&  well-behaving  when  made  in  Japan.  It  were 
when  they  began  to  be  manufactured  in  New 
Jersey  that  they  became  boystrous,  disappated 
&]  disorderly  shoots. 

By  olden  date  of  time  it  were  custom  for  cash- 
wealthy  Daimo  what  was  feeling  joyful  about  his 
ancestors  to  invite  selection  of  persons  to  come 
his  garden  to  have  a  see.  Pretty  soon  it  was  dark, 
then  Hon.  Daimo  would  set  afire  one  flower- 
pottery  filled  with  gunpowder.  Sky  was  filled 
with  fiery  blossoms  to  resemble  botany. 

"That  are  a  lily-plant  of  firework,"  say  Hon. 
Daimo,  "How  you  like?" 

"O  how  sweet!"  declaim  all  guests  bumping 
forehead  with  hissy  politeness.  Then  they  drink 
tea  &  go  home  with  calm  medetations  about  great 
emperors  &  other  famous  politicians. 

Japan  do  not  make  such  blazes  very  muchly 
now  days.  She  too  busy  with  ordinary  killing 
machinery  to  devote  times  to  decorated  deaths. 
When  Japan  have  got  to  nail  together  6  new 
Ere  ad  nothings  annually  for  all-time  of  future  in 


136  LETTERS  OF  A 

order  to  keep  civilized,  what  chanst  have  she  got 
to  shoot  off  Romantic-candles  for  ancestors  ?  But 
she  do  it  slyly  now  &  then. 

And  yet  I  are  not  entirely  cross  &  irritate  when 
I  see  small  kidly  boys  a-blowing  off  noises  on  them 
July  4  date.  Memory  of  Concors  &  Lex.  are 
worth  burning  some  ringers  for;  but  to  blow  out 
eyes  for  such  a  memory  are  wastefully  unnecessary. 
Independance  Day  are  a  variety  of  intemperance, 
and  yet  I  might  weep  with  eye  to  see  it  abolish  by 
Prohibition.  What  say  Dan  Webster  about  this  ? 
He-say,  "Intemperance  are  a  good  thing  when 
took  moderately."  A  very  slight  July  4th  could 
not  hurt  anybody  —  not  even  a  College  Professor 
what  often  injure  his  fine  brains  a-thinking  about 
Standard  Oil  &  how  get  some. 

Therefore  I  take  ferryboat  to  some  shades  of 
wood  next  July  4th  and  there  enjoy  lonesome  pick- 
nick.  Sandwitch  &  cigarette  will  be  smoked  by  me, 
followed  by  this  poem,  which  are  less  complete  still: 

O  Columbia  the  jam  of  the  ocean, 

The  home  of  the  Greek  and  the  Slav, 
Some  object  of  frequent  devotion, 

What  nice  summer  climate  you  have! 
With  them  garland  of  firework  around  you, 

With  picknick  &  baseball  game,  too, 
O  this  Jap  Boy  are  glad  he  have  found  you  — 

Banzai  for  such  red,  white  &  blue. 

(To  make  a  Chorus  keep  on  singing  it.) 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  137 

Hoping  you  will  not  go  away  and  leave  your 
insurance  in  the  office, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  --  Hon.  Maxim  Jr.,  child  of  Hon.  Hi 
Maxim,  explosion  man,  have  invent  a  species  of 
powder  what  explode  silently.  When  this  are 
used  soldiers  can  talk  during  entire  battles  with 
out  fear  of  interrupt.  If  Hon.  Maxim  Jr.  can 
fill  July  4  with  this  noiseless  powder,  won't  he 
be  a  greater  benefatter  to  human  races  than  Sir 
Ike  Newton  ?  I  require  no  answer.  H.  T. 


XVI 

CAN   AFRICA   WAIT   TILL   MARCH   4/TH  ? 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  July  ist. 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  who  do  it  like 
Hon.  Sampson  &  murder  deceptive  tigers 
with  ham-bone  of  a  mule. 

DEAR   SIR  —  In    Jambeezi   Creek,    majistickal 
river  of  darky  Africa,  nervous  tense  of  suppressed 
excitement  &  impatient  longing  are  being  enjoyed 
by  splandid  menagerie  of  brutal  beasts   &  curios 
residing    there.     Seldom    have    foliage    of   uncut 
Nature   made   such   a   nice  invitation   for  a   dis 
tinguished  visitor  to  come  and  shoot  at  it.     Sel 
dom  in  Chicago  was  such  45-minute  demonstration 
gave  to   One   Man   by  a   convention   of  entirely 
wild    animals.     Seldom    in    history    of    Nature- 
fake  have  Hon.  Tom  Seton  or  Hon.  John  Burro 
observed   animals  doing  such   behaviour  without 
going  to   jail.     Imagine   with   your    brain,    Mr. 
Editor,    such    squeak-rore     &    bellus    of    IO,ooo 
elephants  assisted  by  tigers  and  other  dennisons 
of  forest  which  has  talent  for  making  noises  if 
nothing   else!     It   are   like   a    suffragette   caucus 
in  winter   quarters    of  Barnum    &  Bailey;  it  are 


'38 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  139 

the  voice  of  Nature  becoming  hoarse  with  ovation 
of  banzai  for  the  King  of  the  Juggle,  a  Ramrod 
among  hunters,  the  only  entirely  retired  Emporer 
that  ever  told  the  Truth  about  Africa  at  the  rate 
of  $2  a  word  and  $4  for  hard  ones! 

In  deeps  of  juggly  forest  Mother  Elephant  set 
neath  cocanuts  &  hold  Baby  Elephant  in  her 
arms. 

"What  aily  you,  tender  Infant?"  she  require 
for  worry,  brushing  back  its  goldy  locks. 

"Female  mother,"  he  prattle,  "what  date  of 
calendar  do  it  be  ?" 

"To-day  are  Thursday,  Aug.  13,  by  N.  Y. 
Journal,"  she  reclaim  for  nervous  calm. 

"Ah  sad!'  sob  Hon.  Child,  winding  trunk 
around  neck  of  its  female  mother.  "It  are  such 
a  length  of  time  till!" 

"Till    which?"    blow-out    she. 

"Till  March  4th,"  remark  child,  "when  Hon. 
Roosevelt  may  obtain  a  vacation  for  4  years  & 
come  Africa  to  shoot  Father." 

"Hush,  child,"  say  Hon.  Mother  Elephant. 
"  Hon.  Roosevelt  have  got  other  large  game  besides 
Elephants  on  his  hands.  He  have  got  Mr.  Taft." 

"And  when  Mr.  Taft  are  entirely  elected, 
what  then-so  ?" 

"And  then-so  your  Mother  &  Father  will 
both  receive  some  very  distinguished  shoots  from 


HO  LETTERS  OF  A 

that  great  mans.  And  maybe,  if  you  are  a  very 
good  little  Baby  Elephant  and  do  not  climb  no 
trees,  maybe  you  too  will  get  a  nice  little  bullet 
from  Hon.  Roosevelt." 

So  Baby  Elephant  go  sleep  on  shoulder-blade 
of  Mother  without  no  more  lullabys. 

Among  banana  trees  of  river-bank  reside  Jib- 
jab,  the  man-chewing  Tiger,  who  is  a  friend  of  Mr. 
Kipling's.  He  set  by  bright  pooly-water  worship 
ing  his  mustash  which  is  bees-wax  upward  to  make 
look  like  Emperor  Wm.  When  along  come 
Jug,  the  poisoned  cober-snake,  entirely  filled  with 
prussic  acid  &  sliding  along  on  the  seat  of  his 
stummick.  He  are  reading  Hon.  Kipling's 
"Juggle  Book"  so  as  learn  some  nice  snake- 
language  for  make  welcome  speech  of  Hon. 
Roosevelt  when  he  arrive. 

"Good  morning,  Jib-jab,"  he  say  to  friend, 
biting  him  on  tail  for  playful  salute.  "Are 
Presidential  Program  collaborately  prepare  for 
to  be  shot  off  when  Hon.  Pres.  make  arrival?" 

"Of  sure  it  are!"  say  Tiger  with  Frank  Hitch 
cock  expression.  "I  have  enjoyed  considerable 
literary  correspondence  with  Hon.  Sec.  Loeb 
who  make  appointment  with  me  for  meet  Hon. 
Roosevelt  on  date  of  May  8,  1909,  when  I  will  be 
entirely  shot." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  141 

"  How  you  do  to  receive  such  honour  ?"  snuggle 
Hon.  Snake. 

"On  them  May  8,  1909,  I  are  instruct  to  be 
standing  neath  cocanuts  with  very  tigerly  expres 
sion  of  angry  rage.  Growls  from  me.  From 
under-bush  suddenly  leap  outly  72  dare-devilish 
hunters  armed  to  teeth  with  photographer's 
supplies.  Snap-snap  —  I  snagger  back,  riddled 
with  kodaks.  In  vainly  I  endeavour  to  escape, 
but  ere  I  can  do  a  sneak  I  are  surrounded 
by  James  Creelman,  Jacob  Riis,  Dave  Grame 
Phillips,  Jack  London,  Bat  Masterson,  W.  K. 
Bok,  Arthur  Brisbane,  &  other  desperate  scouts 
famous  for  shooting  wild  game  at  2$c  a  word 
and  5oc  for  hard  ones.  Trembling  in  4  lims 
&  tail  I  am  interviewed  &  compared  to  Thomas 
F.  Ryan.  All  are  complete  then,  except  the 
Finish. 

"Silence  suddenly  over  all  Africa.  Birds  in 
top-trees  cease  tune-whistling.  Monkeys  in  up- 
twig  cease  practising  after-dinner  speeches. 

"Then  in  the  midst  of  hushes,  One  Man  step 
forthly.  It  are. 

"  'Hon.  Ted/  say  Hon.  Riis,  'this  are  Hon. 
Tige.'  Paw-shakes  are  did  with  exhibitions  of 
teeth  from  both  us.  'Dee-light!'  say  Hon.  Roose 
velt  ($4  for  this  word)  and  step  backly  to  30  pace. 
'Head  little  to  right,  please'  ($10)  he  dib,  and 


142  LETTERS  OF  A 

Crack- Jordan  rifle  are  placed  to  elbow.  'Bang!* 
($2)  say  rifle  &  I  fall  down  on  Africa  and  give 
up  my  sinful  soul  with  a  mean  snarl.  After  them 
exercises  I  am  entirely  skinned  &  speeches  worth 
$680  is  indulged  in  averaging  from  2$c  to  $4  a 
word.  Since  King  Midas  died  from  swallowing 
his  gold  teeth  no  King  of  Beasts  has  passed  off  so 
expensively." 

"Land  of  sakes!"  abjeck  Hon.  Snake  with 
poison  face,  "I  am  filled  with  venum  to  think 
what  famous  Brute  you  will  be  while  I  am  merely 
wormly  &  equal  to  zero  with  a  wiggle  on  it. 
While  you  are  meeting  all  them  fashionable 
literary  persons,  I  must  get  stepped  on  &  nothing 
else." 

"Cease  to  grouch!"  commute  Hon.  Tige.  "If 
you  get  industrious  &  bite  somebody  maybe  you 
will  get  beaten  to  jello  with  Big  Club,  and  thusly 
have  name  in  newspaper-prints  among  other 
noted  malefacktors." 

My  Cousin  Nogi,  who  are  enjoying  grouchies 
this  week  because  Miss  Furioki  to  which  he  are 
still  married  as  wife  has  made  a  lope  with  S. 
Wanda,  Japanese  Socialist,  come-mie  and  say 
following  for  politickal  rebuke: 

"On  March  4,  1909,  scenery  of  disturbance  will 
shift  from  Washington  to  Africa." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  143 

"  Hon.  Roosevelt  are  very  fond  of  dum  animals," 
I  hob-nob.  "They  can  not  talk  back  for 
repartee." 

"It  are  a  great  rest-cure  to  become  an  entirely 
desperate  hunter.  While  stabbing  a  tiger  it  are 
very  difficult  to  remember  party  lines  &  other 
ugly  liars.  Grasping  them  furyus  lepard  by 
juggly  vein  with  cruel  eyes  standing  on  end  & 
teeth  firmly  planted  in  shoulder  for  delicious  bite 
—  on  them  occasion  how  tame  must  seem  com 
panionship  of  E.  H.  Harriman,  Hon.  Fork  Till- 
man,  &  Hon.  Jo  Forker!" 

"  What-say  Hon.  Rubbert  Burn,  famous  Scotch, 
about  this?"  I  reject.  ''He-say: 

"  Let  old  acquaintance  be  forgot 
And  never  brought  to  mind.  " 

At  this  quotation  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  make 
come-in  to  my  room  for  borrow  toothbrush. 

"What  grand  American  have  wrote  some  light 
tex-book  on  angry  animals  to  be  shot  in  Africa  ?" 
he  ask-it. 

"Some  distinguished  African  might  do  this 
intelligently,"  I  snuggest  for  help. 

"I  have  perused  inside  of  entire  edition  of 
Hon.  Booker  Washington,"  repose  Sydney,  "and 
there  I  find  chapter  on  'Care  &  Culture  of  Mules 
by  Young  Coloured  Niggers'  —  and  yet  he  are 


144  LETTERS  OF  A 

suspiciously  silent  about  brutal  beasts  to  be 
murdered  on  Jambeezi  Creek." 

"African  subjecks  is  kept  very  dark  by  edu 
cated  Africans,"  I  drib  for  laughing-joke  which 
sound  delicious  in  Japanese. 

"I  enjoy  considerable  puzzle,"  corrode  Sydney. 
"If  no  light  books  is  to  be  had  about  them 
carnibblous  animals  of  darky  Africa,  how  we 
know  what  expect  when  Hon.  Roosevelt  go 
shoot  it  ?" 

"At  $2  a  word  one  may  expect  anything," 
I  dib.  "Hon.  Gulliver  wrote  delicious  travels  for 
much  less." 

"Hon.  Gulliver  were  a  short  &  ugly  tourist," 
notate  Nogi. 

Then  in  come  Uncle  Nichi,  my  \  ancestor, 
wearing  congressional  shoes  which  irritate  his 
straw-seed  appearance  of  Japanese  farmer.  He 
banish  in  hand  i  piece  tab-paper  of  which  he  are 
foolishly  proud. 

"So  glad!"  he  rake-out.  "I  got  here  a  sweet 
list  of  all  mad  animals  what  reside  there  in  dam 
section  of  Congo  riverside." 

"Who  give  you  such  lists  ?"  I  require  for  shame 
because  he  is  my  bloody  relation. 

"Hon.  Strunsky,  Irish  salooner,  who  say  he 
has  been  to  all  parts  of  Africa  &  Indiana." 

"Read  it,  please,"  say  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  who 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  145 

are  oftenly  polite  because  he  are  not  related  to 
Uncle  Nichi. 

So  Uncle  Nichi  with  jay  spectacles  read  follow 
ing  deceptive  list  of  brutal  beasts  to  be  shot  from 
foliage  of  Africa  by  persons  what  sees  them: 

Piebrock  —  a  six-legged  steer  what  subsist  on 
malt  beveridges  which  he  take  through  a 
straw  because  he  have  no  teeth.  He  pulls 
corks  with  a  horn  which  grows  from  the  back 
of  his  neck.  He  can  be  easily  told  from  a 
fagdoo  because  he  are  a  different  animal. 
He  are  fond  of  distinguished  visitors  and 
enjoys  Washington  gossip  when  entirely 
pure;  but  he  are  seriously  dangerous  when 
bored.  When  pursued  he  swallows  his  feet- 
prints,  thus  concealing  his  identity.  Scarce 
during  Presidential  Years. 

Yelk  —  a  species  of  pantomome,  full  of  delicious 
flavours,  but  awful  hostile  when  killed. 
You  can  easily  tell  him  from  other  kinds  of 
horse  because  he  have  a  head  on  both  ends, 
so  he  appear  to  be  approaching  when  back 
ing  off.  He  often  lead  hunters  to  doom  by 
his  kind  expression. 

Ook  —  same  as  a  yelk  with  smooth  corners. 

Hawbuck  —  this  are  the  only  kind  of  cow  that 
sleeps  in  trees.  He  are  a  very  economickai 


146  LETTELS  OF  A 

mammal.  When  hungry  he  lays  a  dozen 
eggs  and  eats  them.  Hunters  is  warned  not 
to  shoot  this  brute  in  the  eyes,  because  he 
ain't  got  any  and  enjoys  great  rages  when 
reminded  of  it.  To  kill  him,  tickle  him  in 
soles  of  feet  so  he  will  get  mad  &  spit  out 
his  heart.  His  habits  are  valvular  &  con 
junctive.  He  is  just  as  apt  to  be  found  in 
Africa  as  anywhere  else. 

Turn-turn  —  a  very  small  camel  used  by  natives 
to    hunt    rats.     He    do    this    by 

"Kindly cut-out!"  dib  Nogi  for  shocked  expres 
sion,  "if  Hon.  Roosevelt  should  heard  you  he 
would  place  your  photo  in  his  Roguish  Gallery 
and  you  would  be  celled  in  Liars'  Row  until 
called  for." 

"Would  it  not  be  graceful  act  for  mail  this 
list  to  Hon.  Loeb?"  say  Unc  with  second-child 
expression.  "Hon.  Roosevelt  might  avoid  such 
callackerous  beasts  if  he  knew  about  them." 

"He  might,  but  would  he?"  is  reject  from  all 
Japanese  Boys  present. 

Mr.  Editor,  already  lull  of  Great  White  Peace 
are  settling  over  Washington.  Hon.  Roosevelt 
find  himself  with  nothing  to  say  and  Hon.  Taft 
are  saying  it  to  satisfaction  of  Republican  Party. 
All  is  quiet  along  the  Patomack  to-night  except 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  147 

now  and  then  a  stray  rebate  is  shot,  as  it  runs 
toward  the  Court  of  Appeals,  by  a  rifleman  hid 
behind  the  Treasury  Building.  The  world  are 
being  run  from  Oyster  Bay,  and  everybody 
are  so  happy  &  contented,  thank  you,  that  Hon. 
Newspapers  is  reviewing  the  Thaw  case  because 
they  ain't  got  nothing  disagreeable  to  talk  about. 
The  Greatest  Man  in  America  set  among  saga 
mores  &  gaze  with  eyebrows  to  shore  of  beautiful 
Connecticut 

Where  every  prospect  pleases 
And  only  politicks  is  rotten. 

"All  work  &  no  play  make  Kermit  a  dull  boy," 
he-say  for  deelight.  "I  are  considerable  darn 
tired  of  bearing  America  on  my  neck.  I  fain  for 
to  recreate.  I  fain  to  get  something  free  & 
easy  like  frollicking  from  velt  to  kop  at  -  dewey 
eve  snagging  lightly  in  my  teeth  the  following 
trophies  of  the  chase: 

1  gentleman    elephant    consisting    of    6     tons 
&  tusks. 

2  Royal  Bangor  tigers  of  cross  disposition. 

8  ooks  &  a  hawbuck  resembling  a  feather 
boa. 

21   wild   Boers. 

3  ground  squirrils. 


148  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

"African  elephant,"  say  Hon.  T.,"  are  more 
superior  to  Republican  elephant  because  he  are 
entirely  wild  and  free  and  refuse  to  pile  tariff 
planks  for  no  Trusts." 

So  on  March  4th,  Mr.  Editor,  Africa  will 
receive  what  are  coming  that  way.  When  front 
door  of  White  House  are  enlarged  to  carriage 
entrance  for  the  Greatest  Figure  in  the  Party, 
from  back  door  of  that  kingly  place  gentleman 
with  elephant  gun  will  rough-walk  away  followed 
by  Kermit  with  a  hatchet  to  cut  off  their  heads. 
Can  any  bright  Japanese  Schoolboy  win  a  prize 
by  guessing  name  of  them  departing  ? 

The  tumble  &  the  spouting  dies, 

The  Congress  and  the  King  depart  — 

So  ends  the  Constant  Exercise: 
Now  let  the  Expedition  start! 

With  waggly  regards  from  O-Fido. 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XVII 

THE    HON.    GASOLENE 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  July  5th. 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper,  celebrated  for 
its  Nationality  and  nice  printing. 

DEAR  SIR  —  What  say  Hon.  Galileo  when 
enjoying  execution  by  ax  ?  He  say,  "  This  World 
do  move!"  Then  neck-chop  ensue  to  interrupt 
that  great  thought  at  wind-pipe.  If  Japanese 
Boy  was  there  he  would  enquire  to  know,  "What 
do  move  this  World,  please?"  Answer  for  this 
reply  is:  "Hon.  Gasolene  do!" 

One  quaint  American  proverb  say,  "Where 
there  is  Smoke  there  is  Blazes."  This  is  especially 
truthful  about  Pittsburgh.  Yet  how  much  more 
proverbial  it  would  be  to  say  it,  "Where  there  is 
Smell  there  is  Speed."  I  know  because! 

Mr.  Editor,  I  do  not  possess  of  my  ownership 
any  automobiles,  but  my  cousin  Nogi  gave  me 
acquaintance  to  Hon.  G.  W.  Yosho,  celebrated 
coachman  for  all  tour-cars.  This  Yosho  wear 
rubber  uniform  of  Japanese  Field  Marshal.  He 
appear  to  look  like  Marquis  Oyama,  but  is  much 
more  important  about  it.  I  reverence  him 

H9 


150  LETTERS  OF  A 

because  he  have  killed  several  Americans  and  some 
Christians. 

"Hon.    Yosho,"     I     collapse     with     Japanese 
salute,  "nobody  not  yet  have  invited  me  to  ride 


in  one." 


"Maybe  so  it  might/'  he  subdivide  with  for 
getful  expression. 

"Do  automobiles  make  persons  civilized?" 
I  require  for  answer. 

"Ask  the  Motor  Man!"  signify  this  Hon. 
Yosho  making  buzz-buzz  of  machinery  and 
disappear  with  considerable  odour.  Soonly  I 
hope  to  become  a  dear  acquaintance  to  this  Yosho 
who  would  be  a  very  nice  friend  for  chumb. 

Next  I  go  to  livery  stable  where  automobiles 
is  kept.  There  I  met  Motor  Man  who  suspect  me 
of  being  Japanese  Count  ambitious  to  buy  one. 
I  become  immediately  deceptive.  He  suffocate 
me  with  international  courtesy.  He  show  me 
several  tour-cars  of  delicious  machinery. 

"How  much  for  price  of  red  automobile?" 
I  enquire  to  know. 

"Red  automobile  is  $8,000  by  price,  Mr. 
Count,"  he  collapse  with  politeness. 

"How  much  for  price  of  green  automobile?" 
I  ask  for  haughty  reply. 

"Green  automobile  is  $2,000  for  price,  Hon. 
Sir,"  he  dictate  for  reverence. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  151 

"Quite  well,"  I  retrograde.  "Then  paint 
red  automobile  green  and  Japanese  Boy  will  take 
it  for  $2,000." 

This  Motor  Man  hesitate  to  do.  So  he  donate 
to  me  one  cigar  of  value  250  and  we  enjoy  a  very 
elaborate  interview  about  Hon.  Gasolene  which 
is  a  wonderfully  civilized  drug.  By  ancient  his 
tory,  say  this  Motor  Man,  Hon.  Gasolene  was  a 
very  hummbel  medicine.  It  was  principally  useful 
for  removing  raspberries  from  gloves  and  could 
he  employed  in  cook-stoves  for  explosions.  Gaso 
lene  was  next  discovered  to  be  one  nice  chemical 
for  insurance.  This  gave  it  publick  interest 
which  made  it  necessary  for  all  forms  of  motor. 
("What  is  home  without  a  motor?"  require  little 
Annie  Amazuma,  who  have  a  flashy  mind  for 
9  year  age.) 

Gasolene  is  so  easy  to  distinguish  from  cologne 
that  it  appear  deceptive.  "  Though  lost  to  sight 
to  memory  strong"  and  "Gone,  but  not  forgotten" 
was  once  fashionable  for  funerals.  Them 
remarks  is  now  mostly  heard  at  automobile 
races. 

Hon.  Gasolene  will  make  great  civilization  for 
future,  say  Motor  Man.  Niagara  Falls  will  be 
runned  by  this  fuel,  machinery  of  Congress  will 
go  by  gasolene-motor,  farmers  will  turn  horse- 
stable  into  garage  and  gather  hay  by  gasolene. 


152  LETTERS  OF  A 

Warfare  of  future,  say  Motor  Man,  will  be  shot 
off  by  Hon.  Gasolene.  Japanese  imperial  Horse 
Guards  on  prancing  motor-cycles  will  make 
desperation  of  charge  on  Gen.  Kouropatkin  with 
light  runabout  division  on  left  wing  while  auto 
mobile  batteries  from  hills  will  make  consider 
able  banzai  with  Shimose  powder  &  fireworks. 
By  shot  &  shell,  shout-call,  enjoyment  of  death 
&  wounds,  long  red  line  of  touring-cars  will  charge 
from  trenches  while  all  day  long  them  commissary- 
buggies  will  make  hurry-up  trip  to  firing-line  to 
bring  more  gasolene  from  Army  Canteen.  Jap 
anese  air-navy  of  fly-machines  will  do  something, 
too,  probably,  with  them  1,000  horse-power 
aromatic  engines.  O  such  delightful  banzai! 
Fierce  honking  from  all  sides,  sharp  report  of 
punctuated  tires — Nippon  forever!  On,  men 
of  Nagasaki!  Let  us  shed  last  drop  of  gasolene 
for  home  &  garage. 

This  is  future  warfare  by  Hon.  Gasolene. 
What  say  Hebrew  Prophet  ?  "  He  smelleth  the 
battle  from  away  off  and  he  yelleth  'O  my!" 

This  Motor  Man  tell  me  some  serious  truth 
about  Hon.  Gasolene  when  took  internally  by 
victims.  It  is  a  very  habitual  drug  like  cocktails, 
cocaine,  opium-smoke  and  Peruna.  When  con 
tinually  enjoyed  by  human  interior  it  make 
result  of  one  very  nervous  disease  what  hon. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  153 

doctor-book  call  locomobile  ataxia.  When  you 
have  got  this  sickness,  Mr.  Editor,  you  will  know 
it  by  following  course  of  symptoms: 

I  —  When  tour-earring  on  roadway  you  sud 
denly  find  out  you  are  too  slow. 

2 --You  mortgage  on  home  to  buy  something 
of  swift  red  colour. 

3 --You  are  greedy  to  break  it.  You  break 
record,  speed-law  &  crank-shaft  in  short 
period.  Then  you  break  neck  and  quit  it. 

4  —  You  go  to  hospital  to  forget  wife   &  child. 

5 --You  deceive  doctor  by  honking  yourself  to 
death. 

If  you  have  done  them  symptoms,  Mr. 
Editor,  you  had  better  worry,  because  you 
are  a  ill  person. 

One  great  sporty  event  is  now  approaching 
to  Pacific  Coast  by  inches.  It  is  that  trip  of 
horse-racing  automobiles  travelling  by  snow- 
plough  from  New  York  to  Paris.  Them  auto 
mobiles  is  quite  international  and  has  been  froze 
to  death  in  four  languages  already.  They  expects 
to  enjoy  Alaska  &  Siberia  in  the  same  way. 
Shuddering  is  unpleasant  to  such  heroes. 

Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  Japanese  dentistry,  desire 
to  make  bet-sum  of  money  with  me  for  $i.  I  am 


i54  LETTERS  OF  A 

an  entirely  sporting  Japanese,  Mr.  Editor.  I 
am  willing  to  risk  enormous  sum  of  money  if  I 
am  sure  I  can  be  able  to  get  it  back  with  interest 
at  some  proper  percentage.  I  am  disagreeable 
about  any  bet  what  is  a  speculation;  but  I  am 
recklus  about  gambling  when  it  is  a  good  invest 
ment.  Therefore,  what  car  will  win  ?  America 
car  is  now  most  patriotic  about  getting  ahead 
—  yet  what  would  happen  to  my  money  if  that 
automobile  should  enjoy  train-wreck  while  going 
over  Rocky  Mountains  in  Pullman  car  ? 

I  follow  this  race  for  one  weektime  by  press- 
notice  and  get  these  excitable  items  to  inclose 
for  you: 

Monday  —  American    car    drawn    by    Hon.    Bill 

Firkins'  tame  mare  "Florence"  forges   101 

yards  through  snow-drift. 
Tuesday  —  Italian-speaking  car,  driven  by  2-mule- 

power    borrowed    from   Hon.    Rube  Brown, 

make  entry  to  Paris,  Neb. 
Wednesday  —  Italian       mules      pass      American 

i-horse-power  mare. 
Thursday  —  American      snow-plow      "Governor 

Hughes"  set  pace  for  all  comers. 
Friday  —  Hay  is  distributed  along  racecourse   by 

gallant  American  troups  so  that  motor-power 

can  stop  for  lunch. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  155 

Saturday  —  French      car      "Motor-Block"      dis 
covered  in  Chicago  speaking  the  language. 

"How  will  them  motoring-cars  go  it  in  Alaska 
where  horses  is  scarce  to  find  ?"  Sydney  Katsu, 
Jr.,  enquire  for  tip. 

"Dogs  is  very  obliging  as  beast  of  burden  in 
them  arctick,"  I  relapse.  "In  Siberia  reindeers 
of  very  high  gear  is  pleasant  for  automobiling." 

"Large  supplies  of  Hon.  Gasolene  is  necessary 
for  such  trip,"  say  that  light-mind  Sydney. 

"Large  supply  of  Hon.  Oats  is  more  better  for 
fuel,"  I  relapse  with  American  eye-wink. 

Please  enjoy  this  poetry  which  I  make  to  look 
like  it: 

DREAM    WHICH  FOLLOWED  ESTEEMED  DOUGH 
NUTS  I  ATE 

O-MOTO-SAN,    O-LOCO-SAN, 

My  soul  is  agreeable  to-night! 

Am  I  ?     It  seems  to  be  I  am  reclining 

Among  the  Irish-flowers  of  dear  Japan, 

Such  fragral! 

Birds  is  songing  from  memory, 

Breezes  is  also  there  to  some  extent; 

Japanese  Boy  is  there  by  moonlight 

To  naturally  take  it  pleasantly  — 

And  yet  he  do  not!! 

O  why,  then  ?     Because  this: 

Mountain  Fujiyama  is  setting  on  his  breastbone  expecting  to 

remain  for  conversation  about  topicks. 
Japanese  Boy  is  very  polite  to  this  Fuji 


156  LETTERS  OF  A 

Because  it  is  entirely  holy. 

So  he  speak  gentle, 

Gentle  like  cockroaches  waltzing  on  Brussels  carpets. 

"O  Fuji,"  dictate  this  Boy, 

"You  are  too  elderly  to  mention,  place  of  thundering  climate 
&  sacred  mildew,  nice  peak  for  sublime  thought,  also 
for  Hon.  Tourist  to  pay  guide  make  walk-up  — 

Excuse  me,  please,  when  I  express  it 

How  I  feel  you  was  more  better  been 

Where  you  was  than  where  you  is. 

Therefore  I  hint  you  get  from  off 

From   my   collarbone,   if  convenient!" 

But  Fuji,  important  hill, 

Make  rumbling  from  fire  in  nose. 

"Togo,"  he  say, 

"You  know  what  about  Japan  ? 

It  have  got  one  new  god  to  run  everything!" 

"What  called  is  this  diety  person  ?"     I  collapse. 

"He  is  called  Hon.  Gasolene,"  say  Fuji. 

(I  make  American  eye-wink) 

"Prior  gods  of  Japan  led  Simply  Life, 

Water  God  turn  wheel, 

Air  God  blow  sail, 

Fire  God  bake  potatoes  — 

Then  what  say-so  Japan  ? 

'Too   slow!!' 

Japan  say,  'Look  what's  there! 

Why  do  America  wheel 

Go  buzz-around  so  fastly  ? 

How  she  do-it  make  Waterbury  watch 

Including  soap  and  other  civilization  ? 

How  she  do-it  which  make  Marquis  of  St.  Louis 

Speed-away  all  time 

In  red  chug-chug  jinrikisha  ?' 

Then  answer  one  great  Japanese  scientist, 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  157 

'Gasolene,  please!' 

With  such  result,"  deject  O-Fujiyama, 

"Japan  get  hurry-off-do-quick 

Bang-up,  slam-down,  bust-trust  excitement. 

Temple  bells  is  rung  by  steam, 

Shrines  of  ancestors  whistle  like  factory, 

Gods  of  Japan  is  buying  tickets  for  Nirvana  — 

So  long  for  all  them  happy  history, 

Fare-bye,  times  of  dear  gone  off! 

Japan  is  getting  too  smart 

For  old  fashion  Volcano." 

With  such  say-so 

Hon.  Fujiyama  kick  Japanese  Boy 

Outside  of  his  dream. 

Wake  to  dawn-rise,  Japanese  Boy, 
Eject  yourself  to  duty  of  day! 
Morn  has  came 

And  hymn  of  praise  is  telling  about  it  from  85C  alarm  clock 
and  doing  so  quite  well,  thank  you! 

Once  more  to  speak  of  crime  and  then  not  to 
mention  Gasolene  again.  I  hear  by  editorial 
print  how  12,000,000  mans  has  been  arrested  in 
automobiles  for  past  year.  All  forms  of  burglary, 
including  murder  &  assassination,  has  been  much 
less  arrested  than  this.  Therefore  it  prove  how 
sinful  is  automobiles. 

American  society  is  divided  into  two  sharp 
classes  with  police  between  them.  Them  who 
has  automobiles  is  called  Predatory  Rich,  them 
who  has  not  is  called  Propaganders.  When 
Socialism  is  elected  each  person  will  have  I  auto- 


158  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

mobile;  but  them  machinery  will  be  out  of  style 
by  then-time.     Such   a   discouraging  thought  to 


enjoy! 


Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


S.  P.  —  I  enquire  to  know  from  my  Cousin 
Nogi,  "Why  is  automobiles  painted  blue?" 

"To  distinguish  them  from  horses  wrhich  is 
seldom  found  in  them  fast  colours,"  collapse  that 
idle  Japanese. 

Is  this  scientifick  fact  ?  H.  T. 


XVIII 

AMERICA'S  BASE  GAME  OF  BALL 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  July  9th. 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  which  have  no 
Sporty  Column  and  are  careless  about  Which 
Lickt  in  Prize  Fite  exercises,  yet  are  willing 
to  report  all  Human  Races. 

DEAREST  SIR  —  Uncle  Nichi  recently-time 
make  home-come  with  extra  pink  sporty  edition 
of  last  week  New  York  newspaper-print.  He- 
say,  "I  buy  it  because  it  are  a  blush-colour  to 
resemble  Hon.  Police  Gazat,  sweet  family  paper." 

On  them  sporty-page,  Mr.  Editor,  was  consider 
able  chatter-talk  about  baseballing  and  other 
crimes  left  over  from  front  page.  There  I  learn- 
how  one  N.  Y.  gentleman  of  name  McGraw  have 
"discovered  two  new  stars"  and  I  are  glad, 
because  Astronomy  are  a  nice  knowledge  to  revere; 
but  when  I  read  "Hon.  McGraw  have  broken  a 
fresh  Pitcher"  I  enjoy  tense  disgust.  Why  such 
excitement  about  a  milkman  which  are  nothing 
but  a  Swede  born  in  Switzerland  ? 

Sporty  Editor  of  this  paper  make  a  very  kind 
offer  by  large  tipe.  He-say, 

'59 


160  LETTERS  OF  A 

" Eech  reader  of  this  Page  what  got  a  Question 
to  ask  it  about  Basebalhng,  please  do  so  £5?  we 
endeavor  to  reply  if  possibly  can-do." 

So  I  am  very  grateful  to  him  &  send  follow 
ing  Bally  question  about  a  Game  I  seen  &  got 
worried : 

"Please,  when  Hon.  Knock  batt  Hon.  Ball  with 
knock-stick  till  it  make  streek  to  sky  &  of  finally 
lower  itself  followed  by  Second  Basso  &  3  Herders 
while  Hon.  Knock  make  running  from  Bass  to 
Bass  &  Hon.  Ball  come  more  lowly  and  still  lower 
till  2  Herders  hold  uply  their  hands  for  grabb  & 
downd  come  Ball  &  aint  caught  because  someone 
negleckt  to  (great  rory-yall  from  bleached  seats) 
so  Hon.  Knock  he  gallop-to  Thirdly  Bass  while 
all  struggly  to  grasp  Ball  which  do  a  bounce  with 
deceptive  expression  &  Hon.  Knock  stob  toe  & 
fall  paralell  while  running,  so  Hon.  Catch 
get  Ball  &  hasten  with  it  to  where  it  started 
from  —  how  much  would  such  a  Play  count  for 
both  sides?" 

To-day  I  receive  following  reply: 

"  Your  intelligent  letter  was  read  by  our  Puzzle 
Editor  who  is  dangerously  dead" 

Yoni  Hashimoto,  Japanese  boot-cobble,  have 
gone  entirely  mania  on  subjeck  of  Baseballing. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  161 

He  oftenly  speaks  of  White  Sox  and  Giants  with 
voice,  and  many  Japanese  Boys  supposes  he  is 
right.  Of  recently  he  come  me  with  National 
League  expression  of  teeth  to  say  it. 

"Togo,  we  are  gathering  up  a  Japanese  baseball 
9  for  play  with." 

"How  many  must  be  in  such  a  9?"  I  ask  to 
know. 

"About  15  are  sufficiently  numberous,"  expose 
Yoni.  "There  must  be  I  Catch,  I  Stopper,  3 
Bassos,  i  Pitch  — " 

("A  Pitch  in  time  saves  a  Nine,"  I  report  for 
cute  smart  quotation.) 

"Also  3  Knockers  and  6  Herders." 

"What  are  duties  for  them  Herders,  if  they  got 
any?"  is  query  I  make. 

"Herders  is  most  skilful  of  all  ballplays," 
parade  Yoni.  "They  must  be  able  to  play  inside 
&  outside  of  Grounds.  They  must  be  fearless 
fence-climbers  &  able  to  arrive  over  before  Hon. 
Ball  do.  They  must  be  reckless  about  colleckting 
Ball  on  3d  or  4th  bounce  when  all  others  can't 
do-so.  Lots  of  teams  loses  entire  games  because 
they  has  not  got  enough  of  them  Herders." 

"If  you  gather  up  such  a  Japanese  team  who 
would  play  with  it  ?"  I  subsist. 

"Some  Christian  team  perhapsly,"  corrode 
Yoni. 


162  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Ah  not  to  do!"  I  dib.  "Christian  teams  is 
too  busy  bursting  Sabbath  among  themselves  to 
do  baseballing  with  such  a  heathens  like  us." 

"What  to  do  for  a  challenge?"  submit  poor 
Yoni  Hashimoto  with  entirely  daff  expression. 

So  I  go-see  Hon.  Strunsky,  Irish  salooner,  & 
I  say  him, 

"Who  would  be  suitable  team  for  play-ball 
with  Japanese  Schoolboy  9?" 

"  Old  Soldiers  Home  might  do  so,"  say  he  rolling 
beer-kag. 

"Is  them  Old  Soldiers  athletick?"  I  require  for 
answer. 

"They  are  entirely  cripples,"  say  Strunsky. 
"But  they  are  still  sufficiently  brisk  to  run  circles 
around  such  a  Japanese  9  what  you  mention." 

"Are  running  in  circles  a  necessary  skill  to  do 
in  baseballing  ?"  is  next  question  for  me,  but  Hon. 
Strunsky  no  can  answer  because  a  U.  S.  soldier 
arrive  filled  with  drunk  &  tell  how  he  got  a  superior 
brain  to  most  other  Irish. 

So  I  go  tell  this  Yoni  man  about  them  Old 
Soldiers  Home  what  Hon.  Strunsky  say  might  be 
sufficiently  atheltick.  Yoni  he  go  get  talefone 
book  and  search  up  residence  of  such  a  Elderly 
home  &  he  find  one  in  Oakland.  So  sorry  I  no 
could  go,  but  I  must  assist  geraniums  of  Mrs. 
Lusy  Macdonald,  queenly  lady  of  286  pound 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  163 

beauty.  But  Yoni  with  entirely  yellow  baseball 
9  composed  of  15  Japanese,  depart  off  by  noontime 
ferryboat.  Following  was  on  it: 

Hon.  Pitch  —  S.  Wanda,  Japanese  socialist. 

Hon.   Catch  —  A.  Kickahajama,  missionary  boy. 

Hon.  Stopper  —  Bunkio  Saguchi. 

Hon.  ist  Basso --W.  Furo,  whose  brother  is 
still  dead. 

Hon.  2d  Basso --Yoni  Hashimoto,  Japanese 
boot-cobble. 

Hon.  3d  Basso  —  Cousin  Nogi. 

Hon.  ist  Knocker  —  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  who 
suppose  he  can. 

Hon.  2d  Knocker  —  Y.  Yakamoto,  familiar  haircut. 

Hon.  3d  Knocker  —  Frank  the  Japanned  boot- 
polish. 

6  Hon.  Herders  — F.  Sago,  R.Sanjuji,  J.C.  Shima, 
B.  Ohara,  B.  Shimasuki,  and  a  Japanese  who 
call  himself  Charley  Smith  to  get  a  job  in  bank. 

Uncle  Nichi,  who  do  not  understand  sufficient 
baseballing  to  do  so,  were  permitted  to  go  long 
&  keep  score,  also  do  what  fanning  was  necessary. 

By  evening-time  Cousin  Nogi  come  back  look 
ing  tired  but  entirely  experienced. 

"Who  beat  it  in  this  game  ?"  were  first  question 
for  me. 


1 64  LETTERS  OF  A 

"When  you  knows  you  will  understand," 
dignify  Nogi.  "Following  were  the  Score: 

"  Japanese  Schoolboys 48 

Old  Soldiers  Home        103" 

"It  must  be  very  fine  game  to  have  such  a  large 
score,"  I  snaggle. 

"We  merely  play  5  Inns,"  say  Nogi.  "Them 
Elderly  Vets  was  just  beginning  to  get  active 
when  twilight  arrived.  If  game  was  continued  to 
finish  them  Hon.  Score  would  of  got  several  thou 
sands  extra." 

"Tell  me  entire  story  of  the  game,"  I  collapse 
patiently. 

"It  was  in  second  Inn,"  debat  Nogi  for  Jack 
London  expression.  "Score  were  then  12  to 
minus  in  flavour  of  the  Japanese.  Hon.  Pitch 
for  Old  Soldiers  were  Capt.  Hirum  Jones,  oldly 
hero  who  lost  right  arm  in  battle  of  Shylock." 

"How  can  a  hero  be  a  baseball  Pitch  when  he 
lost  his  arm  ?"  are  my  earnest  enquire. 

"His  left  arm  were  still  entirely  there,"  dib 
Nogi.  "With  this  he  make  some  very  gentle 
throws.  I  am  next  to  go  batt.  I  stand  uply  with 
brave  expression  &  when  Hon.  Ball  come  soring 
to  me  I  make  fierce  knock.  Ball  go  to  heaven 
with  loud  report.  (Maddy  banzai  from  Uncle 
Nichi  who  was  there  to  fan  it.)  I  make  4  entire 
home-runnings  before  them  Hon.  Vets  could  find 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  165 

Ball  which  was  roosting  in  a  tree.  Then  I  am 
put  entirely  out  &  Hon.  Vets  enjoy  a  Inn." 

Nogi  make  trajick  puff  with  cigar. 

"Hon.  Jeremiah  Willkins,  a  sweet  soldier  who 
lost  2  legs  in  Battle  of  Bully  Run,  next  go  batt. 
He  were  a  very  nice  knocker,  so  when  he  hit  ball 
for  high  sore  he  attempt  to  approach  2d  Bass,  but 
are  deliciously  slow,  thank  you,  because  of  footlus 
condition.  W.  Furo  grabb  ball  quickly  &  Hon. 
Umperor  yall  'Out,  please!'  When  Uncle  Nichi 
hear  this  he  cry  for  sorrow,  'O!  not  to  do!  what 
brutal  Umperor  to  put  oldy  man  outside  because 
he  lost  2  legs!'  Intense  sensations  for  all  Japan 
ese  present.  S.  Wanda,  Japanese  socialist, 
approach  Hon.  Willkins  with  polite  hat.  'Hon. 
Sir/  he  say-so,  'permit  me  for  hellup  you  make 
home-run.'  So  Wanda,  assisted  by  Bunkio  Sagu- 
chi  &  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  give  helluping  aid  to 
Hon.  Willkins  for  5  home-runs,  when  he  say  he 
are  tired  so  he  set  down. 

"After  that,"  say  Nogi,  "it  were  a  very  pleasant 
outing  for  them  Hon.  Vets.  Eech  Old  Soldier 
what  go  batt  are  some  kind  of  a  delicious  cripple 
&  other  hon.  wounds,  so  we  must  also  aid  him  to 
enjoy  several  home-runs." 

''How  long  this  loving  attention  go  on  ?"  I  ask 
to  know. 

"Bye-bye    darkness    fall     &    dinner-bell    from 


166  LETTERS  OF  A 

Elderly  Hero  Establishment  announce  quit-time 
for  all.  So  handclasp  were  enjoyed  with  3-cheer 
ceremony  &  we  go  ferry-boat." 

"103  runs  were  a  hard  afternoon  for  such  oldy 
mans/'  I  snuggest. 

"It  were  a  splandid  lesson  in  politeness  for  all 
National  Leagues,"  corrugate  Nogi. 

"It  were  a  splandid  lesson  in  bookkeeping  for 
Uncle  Nichi  who  kept  score,"  was  answer  for 
Japanese  Schoolboy. 

Please  print  following  rhythm  for  practice: 

FANATICAL  POEM  ABOUT  1CHI-BAN,  AN 
ANTIQUE  ROOT 

Ichi-ban 

Of  Old  Japan 

He  were  a  famous  Baseball  Fan  — 

PlN-PlN 

Come  in! 
He  ust  to  skreech, 
He  ust  to  preech 
And  set  for  hours  upon  the  Bleech 
With  howels 
&  growels 
And  when  the  Home  Team  missed  a  play  them  swaring-words 

he  ust  to  say  was  very  noted  in  his  day  from  Fujiyama  to 

Cathay. 

He  knowed  the  score 
And  something  more 
Of  every  Team  what  Pennants  bore 
In  days  that  was  entirely  yore. 
He  knowed  the  batting-records,  too, 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  167 

OfHokasai  &  Tingapu  — 

O-SAN,  O-SAN! 

A  wildly  fan 

Was  Ichi-ban  of  Old  Japan. 

Now  Ichi-ban 

Them  famous  man 

He  stay  at  Baseball  Grounds  so  long 

His  Wife  she  feel  there  something  wrong 

Because  her  husband  been  away 

For  6o-night  &  6o-day. 

She  very  cross.     And  so,  of  course, 

She  go  and  buy  I  nice  divorce 

And  when  it  was  entirely  got 

She  sell  the  family  house  &  lott 

And  runny  way  from  Ichi-ban 

With  Kokomo,  a  railroad  man. 

So  all  the  neighbors  they  suppose, 

"When  Ichi-ban  come  home  &  knows 

What  trajick  have  occur  to  him 

He  tare  his  Wife  from  lim  to  lim." 

So  K.  Batsu, 

A  neighbor  true, 

To  Baseball  Ground  he  straightly  go 

For  tell  poor  Ichi-ban  what-so; 

But  Ichi-ban,  who  still  was  there,  he  gaz  ahead  with  fixy  stare, 

sometime  a  snort,  sometime  a  sware,  but  otherwise  what 

do  he  care  ? 

"Your  wife,"  say  Batsu,  "run  away." 
But  Ichi-ban  just  snuff  &  say, 
"The  Pitcher  very  punk  to-day." 
Say  Batsu,  "Worser  news  I  got  — 
Your  Wife  have  stole  your  house  &  lott  — 
It  are  a  very  wrong  disgrace." 
Say  Ichi-ban  with  fixy  face, 


i68  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

"That  nothing!  —  man  just  stole  3d  Base." 
So  Batsu,  when  them  words  he  hear, 
Enjoy  some  sympathy  &  fear, 

"I  sorry,  friend,  what  grief  have  came " 

"Cut  out!"  say  Ich,  "you  spoil  the  game." 
So  Batsu  for  them  heartless  speech 
Leave  Ichi-ban  upon  the  Bleech 
To  snorty  sporty  howly  screech, 
To  hooty  tooty  rooty  squawk 
In  latest  style  of  Baseball  Talk. 

So  Ichi-ban,  all  world  forgot, 

Stay  y-year  in  that  same  spot. 

He  lose  his  friends,  improve  his  voice 

And  live  on  Peanuts  &  rejoice 

Til  one  day  when  the  Home  Team  beat 

He  got  some  spasms  in  his  feet 

Which  gave  such  banzais  to  his  tongue 

He  die  by  shouting  up  a  lung. 

So  on  his  Tomb  to-day  for  see 

Some  Tourists  finds  this  Repartee: 

"Ichi-ban 

Of  Old  Japan 

Were  just  a  average  Baseball  Fan 

PIN-PIN 

Come-in ! " 

Hoping  you  will, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XIX 

IS  A  VICE-PRES   NEARLY  A  KING  ? 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  July  I2th. 

Editor  New  York  Newspaper  which  are  respon 
sible  for  everything. 

DEAR  SIR  — Noted  Greek  patriot,  Erysipelas, 
were  once  offered  job  of  Street  Cleaning  Depart 
ment  in  Athens,  Greece,  which  was  then  in  a  very 
insane  state  of  dirt.  Intimides,  Mayor  of  Athens, 
offer  him  this  job  for  a  insult,  because  it  was. 
How  useless  however! 

"Ah!"  commute  them  Erysipelas,  "I  will  took 
such  a  publick  jobs  &  show  what  a  elegant  muck- 
sweep  I  can  do/* 

So  he  done  it  by  history. 

Mr.  Editor,  some  patriot  of  America  should  be 
come  like  Hon.  Erysipelas  &  be  a  Vice-President 
without  doing  a  sulk.  To  be  a  Vice-President 
are  like  such  a  Street  Cleansing  job,  only  it  are 
more  hummbel.  He  are  like  a  street-sweeper 
without  a  broom.  He  are  not  permitted  to  carry 
turkey-dusters  or  other  dangerous  fire-  arms.  He 
are  placed  in  a  very  high  seat  &  commanded  to  set 
there  4  years  enjoying  silences.  Raking,  brooming 

169 


i  ;o  LETTERS  OF  A 

&  dusting  are  a  forbid.  If  he  are  caught  trying 
to  wipe  cobwebs  off  of  Senate  with  silk  handker 
chief  he  are  given  a  upbraid.  He  enjoy  very  hope 
less  position  —  and  yet  he  might  do  something 
for  somebody  some  days.  If  he  start  young  being 
a  Vice-President  might  he  not  work  up  to  good 
position  by  this  ?  Might  he  not,  by  eventual  time, 
get  a  job  being  3d  secretary  to  German  Embassy 
or  clerk  in  Subtreasury  Dept  ? 

I  ask  for  anxiety. 

I  have  just-but  &  recently  become  sad  about 
Vice-Presidents.  Formerly  I  imagined  it  were 
pretty  nice  kind  of  grandeur.  Some  weeks  past- 
time  I  hear  wildly  news  &  go  with  run-step  to 
saloon  of  Hon.  Strunsky  who  thinks  politically 
because  he  are  Irish. 

"Hon.  Jim  Sherman  got  it!"  I  collapse  for 
excitement. 

"Who  in  politicks  are  Jim  Sherman?"  require 
Hon.  Strunsky. 

"He  are  man  what  was  nominate,"  I  snagger. 

"Nominate  for  what?"  crossly  examine  him. 

"For  Vice-President,"  I  rapture. 

"O!"  say  Hon.  Strunsky  and  continue  to  wipe 
beer  from  glass. 

I  enjoy  falling  of  face. 

"Are  not  Vice-Presidency  almost  a  kingly  job  ?" 
I  ask  to  know. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  171 

"Almost,"  degrade  Strunsky  with  towel. 

"What  you  mean  by  'almost'  ?"  I  research. 

"By  'almost'  I  mean  'nearly,'"  irritate  that 
Irish  patriot.  "When  a  thing  are  'almost  good' 
it  are  'nearly  bad,'  "  he  dib.  "When  I  chase  a 
ferryboat  and  almost  catch  it,  that  do  not  help  me 
much  about  arriving  to  Oakland  in  time  for 
German  banquit.  A  Vice-Pres  are  a  statesman 
what  have  nearly  caught  the  Ship  of  State." 

"Situation  of  Vice-President  were  offered  to 
many  Favourite  Sons,"  I  regret. 

"It  were  refused  by  many  Favourite  Sons," 
say  Strunsky,  "  but  it  were  accepted  by  a  Political 
Orphan." 

So  I  leave  that  Strunsky  enjoying  feel  of  con 
siderable  depress  near  shoulder-blade.  I  have 
a  slammed  ideal.  Such  a  useless  to  young  mans 
studying  bookkeeping  &  stenography  of  hope  to 
become  President  some  day!  It  are  awfully  well 
to  make  walk-up  by  stairway  of  Fame  —  but 
supposing  for  imagination  that  foot  slipped  ?  Ah 
then!  Japanese  Boy  might  get  downdy  tumble 
to  be  a  Vice-President  or  some  other  equal  crime. 

Soonly  I  meet  up  with  my  Uncle  Nichi,  who  are 
taking  lessons  in  American  cigar  smoking  from 
Cousin  Nogi.  My  dear  J  ancestor  are  permitted 
to  discuss  about  Hon.  William  Jenny  Bryan 
because  of  reverence  for  ancient  history. 


172  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Hon.  Thos.  Lawson  of  Mass,  have  offer 
$1,000,000  to  Hon.  Bryan  to  take  it  and  be  a  Vice- 
President,"  say-he  for  news. 

"That  price  would  be  considerable  circulation 
for  The  Commutor,  Hon.  Bryan's  newspaper," 
I  collide.  "But  could  Hon.  Bryan  do  so  much 
for  so  little?" 

"  Honour  of  such  office  are  beyond  goldy  riches," 
dib  Uncle  who  is  a  farmer. 

"Honour  of  such  office  are  beyond  caring  for," 
I  notify  for  editorial  sneers. 

"Was  not  Hon.  Roosevelt  once  a  Vice- 
President?"  corrode  that  relationship  of  mine. 

"Many  poor  boys  has  became  famous,"  I 
supine.  "Hon.  Lincoln  once  splitted  rails,  Hon. 
Gen.  Grant  once  deliver  kindling.  Sometimes  a 
Vice-President,  by  willing-work  industry  can  lift 
self  from  mean  &  sordy  surroundings  which  he 
is  in  to  position  of  self-respect  &  desensy." 

"What  are  duties  of  Vice-Pres,  if  he  got  any?" 
project  that  oldy  man. 

"Following  duties,"  I  say,  "must  be  did  by 
him  to  make  everything  pleasant,  etc.: 

1  —  He  must  be  polite  to  superiors  which  is  almost 

everybody  around  Washington.     He  will  get 
great  dissatisfaction  if  he  ain't. 

2  —  He   must   have   neat   appearance,    including 

brushed  clothes  &  hair.     He  must  not  come 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  173 

down  to  work  without  a  collar  on  his  neck. 
Hon.  Speaker  of  House  can  be  very  second- 
handed  in  appearance  &  can  eat  chew- 
tobacco  before  all;  but  Hon.  Pres  of  Senate 
should  be  at  least  respectable. 

3  —  He  must  go  to  work  sharply  by  8  o'clock 

each  weekly  day.  Sunday  evenings  he  can 
entertain  quiet  callers  in  his  room. 

4  —  He  must  address  Cabinet  Members  by  their 

full  title,  if  they  got  it. 

5  —  He  must  not  be  seen  talking  with  friends  in 

hallways  or  lobbies. 

6  —  He  must  not  swear  or  wear  profane  neckties. 

7  —  He  must  be  white-coloured  American  citizen 

entirely  over  21  years  age  &  must  be  able  to 
write  his  name  in  plain  business  hand. 

"Them  is  duties  what  a  gentleman  must  do  to 
be  a  nice  Vice-Pres  of  these  U.  S.,"  I  announce  it. 

"Can  not  anybody  do  them  jobs  without 
enjoying  a  strain?"  ask  Uncle  Nichi  who  is 
a  bore. 

"Anybody  can  do  them  for  a  short  time," 
I  dib.  "But  man  what  can  do  them  for  4 
years  without  some  serious  side-steps  must  be 
a  great  hero  to  some  extent." 

"Such  a  mans  is  considerably  limited  by  law," 
abstract-he. 

"  Either  by  law  or  by  nature,"  I  notate  for  yawns. 


174  LETTERS  OF  A 

(It  shall  be  my  duty  to  make  some  weep  with 
eye  when  Uncle  Nichi  depart  away  for  dear 
Japan;  and  yet  I  shall  live  beyond  such  sorrow.) 

Mr.  Editor,  I  have  a  sad  mania  about  that 
Vice-President.  All  American  school-books  say: 
"Office  of  President  are  highest  gift  within  power 
of  people  —  office  of  Vice-President  are  next  door 
to  it."  Office-rent  should  be  very  high  &  stylish 
in  such  good  neighbourhood. 

What,  then,  is  the  matter  with  this  office  that 
so  many  respectable  &  wealthy  statesmen  refuses 
to  move  in  ?  Are  gas-pipes  in  bad  condition  ? 
Do  plumbing  need  attention  to  ?  Are  Hon. 
janitor  careless  about  hot  &  cold  water?  Or 
what  ? 

When  Hon.  Real  Estate  man  have  a  office  what 
nobody  will  took  he  decorate  it  up  with  wall 
paper,  etc.,  to  look  rich.  Pretty  soonly  somebody 
will  be  careless  &  take  it.  Are  not  U.  S.  Govern 
ment  splandid  enough  business  man  to  repair 
Vice-President  office  so  that  it  will  not  look  so 
dubyus  ?  I  require  no  answer. 

I  am  injured  in  nerve  to  see  so  many  grand 
Americans  regarding  that  To  Let  sign  with  eye- 
wink.  Yet  what-say  following  Statesmen  about  it  ? 

Hon.  Cannon  say:  "I  shall  be  old  with  dignity." 

Hon.  Fairbanks  say:  "I  have  tried  it,  thank  you." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  175 

Hon.  Hughes  say:  "It  are  a  hall-room." 

Hon.  Haze  Hammond  say:  "Too  much  salary 
for  repairs." 

Hon.  Nox  say:  "I  can  hide  elsewheres." 

I  am  confused  by  such  proud  answers.  To 
Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  I  inquire:  "I  can  not  under 
stand  why  persons  refuses  gifts  what  is  offered 
to  take  free." 

"Sometimes  it  is  done,"  he  reject  coy. 

"  Presidency  of  U.  S.  are  greatest  gift  of  Ameri 
can  people.  Therefore  it  are  like  a  barrel  filled 
with  diamonds.  If  I  could  not  got  such  a  jewlery 
should  I  not  be  gleeful  to  accept  a  barrel  filled 
with  gold  ?"  is  question  for  me. 

"You  might,"  negotiate  Sydney,  "but  you 
might  have  shyness  about  accepting  such  a  barrel 
if  it  was  filled  with  gold-bricks." 

Sydney  are  a  very  bright  Japanese  soon  to  go 
Harvard  Colledge  for  learn  more  of  it. 

Here  is  a  slight  lullaby  to  be  chanted  to  children 
when  they  are  pained  by  tooth-cut  and  therefore 
anxious  about  their  politickal  futures: 

ROCK  A  WAT  CRADLE  SONG 

Hush,   Mr.    Infant   child, 

Cease  it! 

Do  not  irritate  your  Parent  with  croup-signals  and  fret, 

Or  else  do  it  silently. 

Remain  harmless  a  while 


176  LETTERS  OF  A 

And  I  will  make  bright  promuses 
Of  future, 

Which  you  must  believe 
Because  you  are  less  intelligent. 

When  you  are  a  mans 

You  must  not  strive 

To  be  President, 

Because  you  can't. 

You  are  not  sufficiently  beautiful, 

You  are  less  gifted; 

How  could  child  of  such  weak  brain  like  you 

Get  familiar  with  White  House  furniture 

And  move  Cabinets  around  ? 

You  have  not  got  no  Policies, 

You  could  not  even  scold  a  Colledge  President! 

Useless  to  hope!! 

But  refrain  them  tear-drop 

Because  I  got  very  nice  job  for  you. 

Hush,  Mr.  Infant  child, 

Repress  a  croup  — 

I  will  make  you  a  gilt  promus 

For  future  dates. 

Some  bye-bye  time 

If  you  are  always  notable  for  quiet, 

Never  snap-out, 

Never  burst  windows, 

Never  run  away  to  study  sea-sailing, 

Never  make   bronco-noise 

And  Wild  West, 

Never  dp  nothing  to  nobody 

At  no  time  — 

Ah!!! 

Your  loving  Parent  have  got  a  nice  politickal  reward  for  you ! 

Maybe-so 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  177 

At  Chicago  Convention 

Of  1940 

When  shouting  are  finished, 

Excitement  are  discontinued, 

Taft-flags  has  been  all  bursted  by  waving, 

Everybody  are  fatigued  out 

And  Hon.  Delegates  are  counting  return  tickets  while  sleeping  - 

Then  Hon.  Fame,  or  Hon.  Albany  Gang, 

Or  Somebody, 

Will  point  you  out  in  dark  corner 

And    declaim    for    earnestness, 

"Accept  this  tag  — 

You  are  It!" 

Then  soonly  on  slate  will  be  wrote: 

For   Vice-President 
Hon.  Husbabye  Baby 

Applause  from  many  ushers, 
Yawns  from  all; 
You  will  get  picture  in  papers 
And  American  Publick  will  decry: 
"He  got  a  face  like  a  Trust." 

So  dream  yet, 

Childish   infant, 

And  we  will  see  what  we  can  do 

About  your  future  employment. 

Mr.  Editor,  I  notice  something  pathetick  by  all 
newspaper-prints.  I  notice  how  all  say:  "Hon. 
Roosevelt  when  he  refuse  to  be  a  President  3  times 
made  a  act  of  noble  renunciation."  But  what 
they  say  about  Hon.  Fairbanks  when  he  refuse 


1 78  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

to  be  a  Vice-President  2  times  ?  They  say  noth 
ing!  And  yet  were  it  not  also  a  "noble  act  of 
renunciation"  for  that  lofty  statesman  to  refuse 
another  run  because  he  were  afraid  of  becom 
ing  too  powerful?  Of  sure  it  was!  Hon.  Fair 
banks  are  a  very  Roman  character  by  principals 
&  by  residence  in  Indiana.  If  Hon.  Roosevelt 
can  be  noble,  then  Hon.  Fairbanks  can  be  noble 
also  —  and  yet  newspaper  children  do  not  make 
holler  about  it  in  streets.  Hon.  Fairbanks  must 
feel  pretty  fine  inside  chest  to  think  how  he  done 
a  great  deed  &  was  a  marter  without  nobody  dis 
covering  or  even  suspecting  it. 

Hon.  Washington  say-so  that  a  perpetual  Presi 
dent  would  be  a  King.     What  would  a  perpetual 
Vice-President   be   then  ?     Please   answer   by  2c 
stamp  which  I  have  forgotten  to  put  in. 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XX 

MY  CONCEPTION  OF  THE  PRESIDENCY 

• 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  July  25th. 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  which  are  eeger  to 
make  a  fare  judge  for  thoughts  of  all  Great 
Mans,  however  sneeking  &  hummbel  they 
may  be: 

DEAR  SIR  —  At  same  moment  while  I  are 
inking  these  thoughts  for  fond  reminder,  two 
somewhat  immortal  Americans  is  listening  for 
formal  announcement  that  they  are  expected  to  be 
Presidents.  They  have  got  a  slight  suspicion  that 
maybe  they  was  mentioned  for  some  job,  but  it 
would  be  very  bad  tasty  for  them  to  look  otherwise 
than  surprise  when  Hon.  Committee  with  flours 
make  step-up  and  say-out,  "You  are  a  Nominate!" 

Hon.  Taft  are  at  Warm  Springs  training  for 
strength  so  that  he  will  not  die  a  shocky  death 
when  he  learn  this  suddenly.  At  humbel  village  of 
Lincoln,  Neb.,  where  Hon.  Bryan  live  like  a  Grand 
Duke  of  simple  taste,  that  eminent  representator  of 
Common  Persons  set  by  bay-window  enjoying 
nervous  collapse. 

"Set  quiet,  Hon.  Wm.,  and  look  courageous  like 
179 


180  LETTERS  OF  A 

a  photo,"  say  Hon.  Wife  to  he.  "  Tumult  &  shout 
ing  die  and  who  knows  what  ?"  "  I  are  strangely 
disturb,"  say  Wm.,  arranging  his  face  to  look  like 
a  famous  Roman  janitor.  "Something  tell  me 
that  maybe  I  are  nominate  to  highest  office  in  gift  of 
Tammany  Hall.  Pretty  soonly  Hon.  Committee 
must  come  riding  up-hill  to  say  it,  and  I  hope 
they  will  be  darnly  quick  about  it.  At  first  I 
must  be  astonished  speechless  —  but  I  can  seldom 
remain  long  in  such  a  conditions.  I  must  hesitate 
&  comprise  myself  with  slightly  cracked  voice  for 
emotion,  then  I  must  read  typewritten  address 
of  280,000  words  of  a  entirely  impromptu  nature. 
O  surely  Politicks  is  filled  with  surprises!" 

Mr.  Editor,  some  weeks  in  passed-by  Hon.  Taft 
&  Hon.  Bryan  wrote  a  delicious  page  of  large  tipe 
for  your  paper  on  subjeck,  "My  Conception 
of  the  Presidency."  Of  surely  them  two  Presi 
dents  know  what-is  they  are  talking  about. 
Speeches  of  Hon.  Taft  is  found  in  rolls  of  Fame, 
and  speeches  of  Hon.  Bryan  is  found  in  rolls  of 
Edison  Phonograf.  And  yet  there  was  something 
deceptive  &  sidewise  about  them  articles  they 
wrote  for  your  paper  because  they  sounded  so. 
Hon.  Taft  say: 

A  President  should  be  like  Hon.  Roosevelt,  only  less  so. 
He  should  be  like  a  piano  of  upright  build  with  some  grand 
square  qualities.  He  should  be  the  First  Magistrate  and  also 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  181 

the  Principal  Policeman  in  the  kingdom.  He  should  be  good 
as  he  are  lonesome.  He  should  treat  all  Trusts  in  a  beastly 
manner  and  uphold  Truth  &  Justice  so  long  as  it  do  not  hurt 
National  Prosperity.  I  shall  do  all  these  things,  thank  you, 
orders  promptly  attended  to,  telephone  service  day  &  night. 
Also  I  shall  look  just  as  much  like  Hon.  Abe  Lincoln  as  health 
&  strength  will  permit  me  to  do  it. 

Hon.  Bryan  say: 

A  President  should  be  like  Hon.  Theodore  Roosevelt  only 
more  so.  Malefactors,  etc.,  needs  not  cringe  off  from  me  for 
fearful  that  I  will  burn  up  America  when  I  am  elected.  Because 
I  can't.  A  President  are  only  a  bluff.  He  don't  amount  to  a 
rolling-pin.  Hon.  American  Govt.  are  a  system  of  checks  & 
balances,  so  a  President  are  deliciously  powerless  when  he 
wish  to  reform  it.  I  promise  to  be  helpless  as  possible.  Could 
I  reform  Hon.  Currancy  from  jaggy  path  of  debochery  by 
feeding  him  Gold  Cure  or  something  ?  Ah  no!  What  could  I 
do  with  them  naughty  Currency  when  Senator  Alrich  are 
tempting  him  away  with  rakish  eye-wink  ?  To  increase  weak 
ness  of  my  position  I  am  willing  to  consult  Hon.  Vice-President 
on  all  matters  of  no  importance  and  talk  kindly  to  him  on 
National  subjecks  where  common-sense  are  not  expected.  I 
believe  in  deep  breathing  &  outdoor  exercise,  but  I  are  cross 
about  that  woolley  tariff  of  sheep  and  should  be  insulted  if 
offered  a  second  term.  Otherways  I  are  willing  to  act  like  a 
Majority  on  all  occasions  and  what  I  think  about  Brownsvill 
Affair  are  a  matter  of  private  conscience  which  I  refuse  to 
discuss  by  advice  of  Hon.  Campaign  Manager. 

Mr.  Editor,  I  entertain  some  scolds  for  you. 
How  sinful  to  ask  them  there  Hon.  Candidates 
to  write  such  opinions!  When  a  man  expect  to 
be  a  President  do  you  expect  him  to  tell  the 


1 82  LETTERS  OF  A 

candied  truth  about  what  he  think  of  the  job  ? 
When  a  man  are  nominate  for  Dog  Catcher  he 
are  often  sly  and  deceptive  before  election  —  how 
then  you  expect  a  Nominee  for  Pres.  of  the  U.  S. 
to  make   crystal   speeches  which   might   be   saw 
through  at  once  and  spoil  everything?     Nobody 
what  are  wistful  about  a  job  will  tell  exact  truth 
about  what  he  think.     If  I  ask  for  job  of  Hon. 
Window  Wash  at  Mills  Bldg  &  Janitor  Boss  say: 
"Hashimura,    told    me   transparently   what   you 
think  of  this  job"  —what  I  answer  for  reply? 
I-say:    "It  are  a  very  delicate  job    of   extreme 
fineness.     It  are  a  high-horse  privilege  for  Japan- 
nese  Boy  to  be  able  wash  windows  for  Hon.  Mills. 
Though  it  require  great  skill  &  couredge  to  shine 
such  lofty  glass  pains,  yet  I  flatten  myself  that 
I  got  such  a  power  more  briskly  than  other  Japa 
nese  Boys  which  is  apt  to  be  laxy  in  sense  of  duty 
where   it    should    be   tightest.     Hon.    Janitor,    I 
feel  myself  unworthy  of  such  a  jobs,  yet  I  know 
I  ain't.     Therefore  give  it  to  me  because  of  merit  " 
I  say  all  them  things,  Mr.  Editor,  because  I  am 
a  candidate  for  them  high  post  of  Window  Wash. 
Therefore  I  am  prejudicial  about  it.     But  if  Hon. 
Janitor  ask  Cousin  Nogi,  who  do  not  desire  such 
a  jobs  because  of  his  lazy  spine,  what-say  Cousin 
Nogi?     He-say:   "A  Window  Wash  require  some 
muscles,  but  very  little  intelligence.     Hashimura 


JAK     TSE  SCHOOLBOY  183 

Togo  are  not  safe  to  stand  on  such  a  altitudes 
because  he  thinks  poems;  therefore  if  he  gets  it 
he  will  swim  off  of  loth  story  window  &  burst 
his  fooly  neck/' 

Hon.  Taft  &  Hon.  Bryan  are  too  sympathetick 
with  such  jobs  to  talk  straight.  Why  not  ask 
some  gentlemans  what  never  expects  to  be  White 
Housers  to  give  view  on  Presidency  ?  Hon.  Hearst 
on  "My  Conception  of  the  Presidency"  would  be 
very  bright  &  could  get  Hon.  Brisbane  to  write  it 
for  him.  Hon.  Alt.  Parker,  Hon.  Patty  McCarren, 
or  Hon.  John  Wanamaker  would  talk  deliciously 
true  &  sinical.  But  do  not  ask  Hon.  Forker, 
please,  because  he  would  write  it  "My  Conception 
of  the  President"  &  decuss  other  nigger  problems 
which  are  no  longer  a  delicacy. 

I.  Anazuma,  Japanese  barber,  where  I  go  for 
get  my  cheek  whittled,  say-me:  "Who  could 
express  such  a  conception  about  being  a  Pres.,  and 
not  lie  about  it  ?" 

"I  could,"  is  answer  for  me.  "I  am  best 
befatted  for  such  a  talk  because  I  are 
entirely  unsympathetick  &  not  entitle  to  a 
white  vote  like  Hon.  Booker  Washington  and 
other  darks." 

"Why  you  no  write  such  a  conception  foj 
newspaper?"  is  snuggestion  from  him. 


1 84  LETTERS  OF  A 

"  I  are  not  yet  requested,"  is  erupt  from  me. 

"You  are  a  modish  violet,"  is  vocal  from  Hon. 
Suds.  "Therefore  say  it  secretly." 

"If  I  was  President,"  I  rake  out,  "I  should  be 
divided  into  2  parts.  The  J  part  of  me  should 
be  radikal  &  kind  of  dangerous;  but  the  other  \ 
portion  should  safely  set  upon  the  Constitution 
and  keep  it  pressed." 

"Would  such  a  double  lives  be  decent  ?"  commit 
Hon.  Anazuma. 

"In  such  high  positions,  yes,"  I  dabble.  "A 
ideel  Pres.  of  these  U.  S.  should  be  a  cross  be 
tween  Theodore  Roosevelt  &  Chester  A.  Arthur. 
With  one  hand  he  should  affectionately  protect 
the  interests  of  the  People  while  with  the  other 
he  should  be  nice  to  the  people  of  the  Interests. 
If  it  are  necessary  for  him  to  be  2  places  at  once 
he  must  go  there.  When  requested  he  must  at 
tend  a  Idaho  Miners'  Noyesy  Barbecue  full  of 
malice  for  them  Hon.  Malefactors;  but  he  must 
not  neglect  a  invitation  to  Insurance  Scandalous 
Banquet  where  he  can  set  by  Hon.  Paul  Morton 
and  talk  like  a  Injunction." 

"So  shocky!"  say  I.  Anazuma  with  razor.  "It 
are  shamefully  difficult  to  shave  such  a  two-faced 
Japanese." 

"  In  antique  times  of  pagan  Rome,"  I  dib,  "  there 
was  a  deliciously  heathen  god  named  January  who 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  185 

was  able  to  look  in  2  directions  with  a  double 
face.  On  one  side  he  had  a  face  like  Hon.  Judge 
Landis,  on  the  other  a  expression  like  Hon.  Judge 
Grosscup.  When  malefactors  of  great  wealth 
go  to  Judge  Landis  side  of  them  two-face  idol 
they  was  filled  with  shivvers  because  of  their  sin 
ful  rebates;  so  they  crawl  around  to  Judge  Gross- 
cup  side  and  was  forgiven.  But  when  malefactors 
of  great  poverty  get  in  front  of  them  Grosscup  face 
to  make  kick  against  Olive  Oil  Trust,  they  almost 
went  to  jail  for  their  crimes,  so  they  hurry  around 
to  Judge  Landis  face  and  was  comforted  to  know 
that  taking  rebates  from  Harriman  was  sinnier 
than  taking  silverware  from  a  Soldiers'  Home." 

"I  am  delicious  to  know,"  say  Hon.  Anazuma 
who  are  studying  to  be  a  Y.  M.  C.  A.,  "that  them 
heathen  idol  January  were  bursted  by  hatchets  of 
early  Christian  parents." 

"He  were  finally  bursted,"  I  rebuke,  "but  he 
last  for  several  looo's  of  year  &  were  a  nicely 
successful  god.  He  were  popular  like  a  circus 
for  long  lines  of  Hon.  Politicians  what  wish  to 
learn-how.  What-say  Mr.  Vergil,  famous  Roman 
poeter,  about  them  god  January?  He-say,  'Get 
there,  January!'  which  have  been  a  politickal 
motto  every  since." 

"Have  that  disgusting  January  got  any  temples 
in  America  ?"  require  Hon.  Anazuma. 


i86  LETTERS  OF  A 

"In  Pennsylvania  State  Capitol  there  is  pagan 
pictures  of  Hon.  Mat  Quay  and  other  local  gods," 
I  dib  deceptively.  "I  shall  not  be  wonderful  if 
portrait  of  Hon.  January  are  grafted  among  nearly 
everything  else  in  that  famous  art  saloon." 

"When  you  are  President  how  you  stand  on 
publick  ownership  of  R.  Rs  ?"  require  Hon.  Barb. 

"About  publick  ownership  I  are  safely  insane," 
I  report.  "  Publick  should  be  allowed  to  own 
R.  R.  gradually.  With  each  Pullman  ticket  Hon. 
Passenger  might  get  a  blue  transfer  which  entitle 
him  to  i  share  R.R.  stock  if  he  present  it  at  office 
of  Sec.  of  Agriculture  2,000,000  years  from  date." 

"Would  American  people  get  such  a  ownership 
then  ?"  ask  he. 

"What  say  Wm.  Jenny  Bryan  about  publick 
ownership?"  I  reject.  "  He-say, '  Publick  owner 
ship  of  R.  Rs  must  take  place  in  eventual  time.' 
Them  2,000,000  years  from  date  will  be  a  'even 
tual  time/  won't  it  not  ?" 

"In  2,000,000  year  what  would  American  pub- 
lick  own  ?"  are  question  for  Anazuma. 

"At  least  they  would  own  them  blue  transfer 
slips,"  I  renig  with  deceptive  expression  of  a 
Campaign  Contribution. 

Late  Sunday  P.  M.  Arthur  Kickahajama  give 
to  me  for  Campaign  Contribution  a  live  dog  which 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  187 

is  a  Hon.  Pup.  It  are  a  very  infant  mammal 
with  a  emotional  tail  and  cultivated  by  flees. 
Arthur  rescue  them  Dog  while  being  kicked  from 
a  wharf  by  a  educated  gentleman  who  was  drunk. 

"It  are  a  vulgar  variety,"  I  snip  for  objection 
because  I  are  nervous  about  expensive  food  for 
such  a  dum  friend. 

"It  may  grow  up  to  be  refined,"  say  Arthur 
carelessly. 

"What  breed  of  Dog  are  it  ?"  is  next  fuss  from 
me. 

"Not  certainly  sure,"  say  Arthur.  "Hon. 
Strunsky  who  are  a  sport  say  'It  are  a  he-dog,' 
so  I  suppose  it  are  such  a  breed." 

I  regard  this  Hon.  Pup  with  thoughts.  He 
throw  me  a  very  doggy  gaze  &  thump  banzai  on 
floor  with  his  snubbed  appendix.  My  heart 
become  soft-boiled  with  love.  I  can't  not  turn  a 
dog  away  in  such  a  hot  weather  when  he  are  apt 
to  be  bit  by  a  rabbi  &  get  it.  So  I  possess  him 
by  chains  and  enjoy  worry  about  his  breed  which 
are  full  of  spots  with  a  bursted  ear. 

S.  Wanda,  Japanese  Socialist,  say  he  should 
be  named  "  Tariff"  because  he  need  revising  imme 
diately.  Cousin  Nogi  announce,  "He  should 
be  named  'Injunction'  because  he  were  kicked  oft' 
a  platform." 

"I  shall  not  call  such  names  to  a  mere  dog," 


i88  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

I  gratify.  "Therefore  I  shall  chrisen  him 
'O-Fido'  what  was  name  of  a  famous  Japanese 
grocer  what  live  happy  for  1,000  year  and  died 
from  being  too  joyful." 

So  I  got  O-Fido  in  bedstead  with  me  where 
he  practise  barks  at  Hon.  Rats  all  night  till 
Japanese  persons  sleeping  in  this  house  can  not 
do  so  &  report  tearful  complaints  to  Hon.  Land 
lord  who  is  a  malefactor  &  say:  "You  are  a 
nusance  besides  3-week  remit  with  rent."  Moral 
of  this  is:  Be  kind  to  them  dum  beasts  &  you 
will  get  paid  off. 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  Who  will  be  the  First  Baby  in  the  Land 
now  that  Quentin  Roosevelt  have  refused  a 
Third  Term  ?  Little  Charlie  Taft  are  studying 
childish  pranks  so  he  can  hold  them  position 
of  Publick  Cuteness.  Hon.  Steam  Shovelers' 
Union  of  Panama  is  first  to  give  Hon.  Taft  a 
union  card.  Hon.  Steam  Rollers'  Union  should 
be  ashamed  of  their  slowness! 

H.  T. 


XXI 

HOW  AMERICAN  ADVERTISEMENT  DOES  IT 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  July  28th. 
To    Editor    New    York    Newspaper    who     might 

know  list  of  peculiarities. 
DEAR  MR.  SIR—  Please  to  ask  some  of  your 
customers  who  read  that  dear  paper  to  tell 
one  necessary  reply  to  poor  Japanese  Boy  who 
is  again  in  condition  of  not  working.  Please  ask 
them  how  best  for  cheap  money  I  can  advertise 
myself  as  needing  situation  of  employment  at 
wash-dishes,  table-wait,  being  valet  or  teaching 
American  language  to  Japanese  or  German 
foreigners.  I  put  in  the  following  itemized  appeal 
into  San  Francisco  newspaper-press: 

WANTED  —  Japanese  Schoolboy  is  earnest  about  some 
thing  to  do,  and  can  speeck  Japanese  or  American  while 
doing  so.  Can  make  beds  politely,  cherish  house-plants  and 
assist  cow  or  horse  of  good  family.  I  perform  most  difficult 
duties  when  confined  to  kitchen  and  can  persuade  Pianola  to 
go  when  excited.  Answer  it  immediately.  Maybe  that  will 
be  too  late  —  Response,  Togo,  this  news. 

That  correspondence  cost  me  price  of  $1.85 
obtained  by  borrowing.  I  am  depressed  about 
results  and  confused  to  think.  This  morning 

189 


i9o  LETTERS  OF  A 

I  see  that  advertise  in  newspaper-press  where  I 
put  it.  But  sakes  of  life!  how  difficult  to  see  it! 
I  look  in  Wanting  Column  of  this  journal-paper 
and  find  such  disgusting  number  of  persons  was 
pleading  for  jobs  and  was  crowding  all  over  that 
page  saying  so  about  it.  Very  few  of  these  offered 
to  do  such  talented  things  like  I  did.  And  yet  I 
was  No.  114  in  that  list  of  workers!  It  is  very 
difficult  for  pride  of  Japanese  Boy  to  read  about 
himself  in  such  small  print. 

Of  suddenly  I  enjoy  one  serious  brain-thought. 
Advertising  is  one  beautiful  national  custom 
which  Japanese  Boy  must  learn  before  becoming 
complete.  It  is  habit  of  these  U.  S.  persons  to 
print  statements  of  their  virtues  and  hand  it 
around.  In  Japan  when  spring  of  love-time  come 
along  persons  deliver  little  lily-pad  plants  to 
doorstep  and  remind  friends  of  their  aliveness. 
In  these  U.  S.  persons  at  approach  of  springtime 
deliver  advertisement-circular  for  same  reason. 
Hon.  Dr.  Smith,  dentist,  leave  to  doorstep  of  dear 
friend  following  card: 

DO  YOU  ENJOY  TOOTHACHE  ? 

DR.  SMITH  PULLS  TEETHS  FROM  EXPERIENCE 

GET  THE  HABIT!!! 

Each  gentleman  indulging  in  art  or  business 
do  likesome  to  any  extent.  Gentlemen  wishing 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  191 

to  succeed  in  poetry,  plumbing,  clergyman  or 
eye-wash  medicine  must  put-in  some  kind  of 
holler  about  it. 

Landscapes  is  good  for  these  decorations. 

In  travelling  through  American  scenery  by 
rail-car  I  can  not  interest  my  brain-thoughts  in 
birds  &  flowers  because  of  large  conversation 
which  persons  has  painted  all  over  nature.  By 
sweet  runny-brook  is  sign-post  of  fierce  red  to 
say,  "Sizzo  Table  Water.  It  is  Sufficient."  By 
grandeur  of  top-mountain  is  reckless  blue  motto, 
"Circulation  of  Daily  Bazoo  Is  Making  Climb 
Up."  By  lovely  oat-patch  is  signature,  "Mor 
mon  Oats  -  -  They  Chew  Themselves."  Meadow 
of  grass  is  full  with  gigantic  hop-frogs,  aggre- 
vated  bottles,  magnificent  lady-corsets,  etc.,  which 
eminent  American  sculptors  has  cut  out  with 
saws.  Nature  is  somewhere  behind  these,  but 
what  is  she  doing  ?  Maybe  she  is  trying  to  grow. 

Frequent  professors  say-so  about  American 
Indians  talking  with  sign-language.  Is  that  it 
what  I  seen  ? 

Sidney  Katsu,  light-thinking  Japanese  of  con 
siderable  deceptiveness,  say  to  me  of  recent  date: 

"Hon.  Togo,  you  hear  what-about  has  happen 
to  American  battle-fleet?" 

"Tell  me  to  know,"  I  renig  with  exceitement, 
because  I  am  Japanese  Spy. 


192  LETTERS  OF  A 

"So  much  is  them  war-boats  painted  of  white 
colour  they  will  be  used  for  advertisements  when 
approaching  to  China,"  deliver  this  Katsu. 

"Oh  not  to  be  possible!"  I  collapse,  "what 
advertisement  will  be  decorated  upon  this  patriotic 
navy?" 

"Following  words  will  there  be  painted  upon 
each  white-side  boat,"  commute  Katsu  and  show 
this  card: 

THIS    FLEET    IS    PAINTED    WITH 

SNOWDRIFT  ENAMEL  PAINT 
TRY  IT  ON  YOUR  BATH-TUB!!! 

Shall  I  believe  this  calamity  to  American  navy, 
Mr.  Editor  ?  I  am  disgusted  to  suspect  that 
fly-off  brain  of  Sidney  Katsu.  Some  one  has 
reached  him  to  tell  lying  talk,  American  custom. 

It  is  sinful  to  legal  laws  of  America  for  poets, 
actoresses,  politicians,  burglary  and  other  authors 
to  put-in  advertisements  about  theirselves.  So 
it  is  difficulty  for  them.  And  yet  they  do  it. 
How  so  ?  By  becoming  so  active  that  newspaper- 
print  is  irrisistable  to  talk  about  it.  Maybe 
actoress  lose  jewel-clasp.  Burglary  take  it.  She 
report  as  follows,  "Oh  my!" 

"What  is  difficulty  of  health,  Hon.  Madam?" 
require  reporter  gentleman  who  is  there. 

"I  have  losed  it  my  jewel-clasp,"  she  defy. 

"Thank   you    for   knowledge,"    personify   this 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  193 

Hon.  Reporter,  "While  you  are  speeching  about, 
tell  me  of  your  marriages,  please,  as  well  as  of 
other  family  disconnections." 

So  loud  report  of  one  column  duration  appear 
by  next  news-print.  Maybe  lady  noveletter  name 
of  Mrs.  McGlinny  come  over  to  here  from  king 
dom  of  London  with  book  by  title  "  Three  Months." 
She  enjoy  great  quiet,  thank  you,  for  that  length  of 
time.  At  finally  "Mothers  of  Rebellion,"  sweet- 
hearted  collection  of  ladies,  decry,  "Come  and 
speech  before  us  at  dine-table,  please." 

"So  pleasant  to  do,"  digest  this  Hon.  Mrs. 
McGlinny.  "  I  will  speech  of  what  happened  in 
them  3  months." 

"Oh,  not  to  do!"  abrupt  them  mothers.  "We 
do  not  permit  such  talk  before  husbands,  please." 

"  O  considerably  well ! "  dement  Mrs.  McGlinny, 
striking  piano  with  angry  rage.  Immediately 
she  make  rapid  transit  to  newspaper  press.  Some 
talk  is  made  with  reporter  and  by  following  morn 
ing  the  below  headlines  is  to  appear: 

SUCH  HORRID  BOOK! 
Is    "THREE    MONTHS"   THUS? 

IT   IS;    AND   WE   WILL    GIVE    PRIZES   TO   PERSON 
WHO   READS    IT   LEAST 

By  next  morning  one  thousand  million  copy 
of  this  book  is  entirely  exhausted  and  publisher 
is  despondent  because  so  fatigued. 


194  LETTERS  OF  A 

From  Boston  I  discover  this  communication 
which  cover  -J  page  of  all- American  newspaper: 

"AMERICAN  CITIZENS  ARE  YOU  ALL-TIME 
FOOLISH  ?  HON.  ABE  LINCOLN  SAY  YOU  ARE 
CONSIDERABLY  SO.  I  AGREE  TO  THIS,  THANK 
YOU!  THEN  WHY  YOU  NO  BUY  STOCKS  WHEN  I 

TOLD  YOU  IT  WAS  ?  I  ENQUIRE  DlD  I  NOT  TOLD 
YOU  HOW  STOCK  MARKET  WOULD  DO  SOMETHING 
SOON?  IT  DONE  SOMETHING.  DlD  I  NOT  TOLD 
YOU  AMALGAMATION  OF  COPPER  WOULD  GO  TO 
SOMEWHERE  ?  IT  FOLLOW  THAT  PROGRAM.  THEN 
BOUGHT  AS  MUCH  AS  CONVENIENT  PLEASE,  OR 
ELSE  SELL  OR  DO  SOMETHING!!! 

"TAKE  ADVICE  FOR  IT.  You  ARE  IN  FINGER 
NAILS  OF  SHARKS.  SYSTEM,  THAT  HARD-EYE  SYS 
TEM,  WILL  SQUEEZE,  SQUEEZE  TILL  BLOOD-DROP 
REFUSES  TO  ENJOY  PAIN.  THEREFORE,  DO  IT 
NOW! 

"I  WILL  SPEECH  ONE  LAST  WORD  BEFORE  SAY 
ING  MORE.  ON  AFTERNOON  OF  FEB.  22  KEEP 
EYE-WATCH  ON  TICK-TOCK  OF  STOCK.  IF 
NOTHING  HAPPEN  THEN  IT  WILL  BE  POSTPONED. 

"I  OFTEN  TELL  YOU  TO  THINK.  THAT  WILL  BE 
GOOD  PRACTICE.  PERSONS  ENJOYING  WEALTH  IS 
RECOMMENDED  TO  INVEST  IT.  PERSONS  HAVING 
NONE  IS  ADVISED  TO  KEEP  IT. 

"THOMAS  W.  LAWSON." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  195 

This  letter  of  correspondence  is  wrote  by 
memory.  Perhaps  it  is  wrong  in  places.  I  am 
often  wonderful  about  this  Hon.  Lawson  man. 
Is  he  running  for  President  or  merely  for  fun  ? 
I  ask  to  know. 

So  this  American  kingdom  go  rapidly  with  speed 
because  of  steam  of  them  advertising.  American 
gentleman  enjoys  great  smartness  inside  of  brain. 
He  say  "No  use  of  doing  nothing  for  nobody  if 
nobody  knows."  So  type-setting,  bill-stucking, 
paint-drawing  is  done.  Violets  is  permitted  to 
blush  behind  something  in  these  U.S.  They  usually 
does  this  blushing  performance  behind  sign-board 
saying  "5oc  per  bunch."  If  Hon.  Lawson,  Hon. 
Bryan,  Hon.  Kipling  can  not  get  jobs  of  employ 
ment  without  some  advertisement,  how  can  Japan 
ese  Boy  do  so  ?  This  question  make  me  put  in 
that  item  of  ideas  to  warning-column  of  news. 

Maybe  it  will  be  responded  for.  I  am  patient 
to  hope. 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.P.  —  Labouring  Unions  of  Pacific  Coast 
decry  with  voice,  "Japanese  is  taking  all  variety 
of  jobs  from  persons  of  white  extraction."  Maybe 
so.  But  I  have  not  been  very  fortunate  in  this 
branch  of  Yellow  Peril,  thank  you.  H.  T. 


XXII 

OLYMPUS   GAMES    AND    INTERNATIONAL    CEMENT 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  August  2d. 

Editor  New  York  Newspaper  who  are  printed 
in  several  colours  &  deliver  to  doorsioop  of 
Japanese  Schoolboy  filled  with  bright  jokes 
&  other  serious  thought. 

MR.  SIR  —  For  objeck  of  putting  cement  on 
affectionate  relations  between  them  loving  rela 
tives,  America  &  Gt.  Britten,  there  have  been  an 
entirely  worldly  feet-race  and  amateur  circus  shot 
off  in  England  &  called  Olympus  Games.  Every 
branches  of  trapeez,  handspring  &  strength 
exercises  was  indulged  in  for  friendly  rivalry. 
As  result  of  them  friendly  rivalry  Hon.  Jim 
Bryce  are  enjoying  some  international  strains 
in  Washington,  Hon.  Whitelaw  Reid  are 
sorry  he  ever  became  a  Brittish  subjeck 
and  Congress  have  ordered  Hon.  Hobson 
to  build  several  Dreadnothings  and  be  quick 
about  it. 

Never  yet  have  I  heard  two  respecktable 
temperance  kingdoms  using  such  National  League 
language  upon  each  other  without  following  some 

196 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  197 

hostile  demonstrations  by  land  &  sea.  O  surely 
war  must  follow!  Did  not  Mr.  Monroe  in  his 
famous  Doctoring  pledge  to  proteck  American 
subjecks  from  bunko  &  outrage  on  foren  shore  ? 
Do  not  the  great  Maggie  Carter,  famous  document 
signed  by  King  John,  promus  justice  to  all  Brittish 
subjecks  not  of  Irish  birth  ?  Then  why  should 
not  America  &  England  enjoy  some  more  family 
splits  ?  Why  should  not  Adm.  Thos.  Lipton 
bring  regatta  of  war-boats  into  N.  Y.  bay  &  seize 
Y.  M.  C.  A.  Athletick  Club  as  spoil  of  war  while 
America  fleet  are  away  shaking  hands  with 
Australia  ? 

I  require  no  answer. 

Them  Olympus  Games  are  a  great  event  for 
all  Nationalities  with  excepting  of  Japanese 
who  is  too  civilized  to  enjoy  such  rude  fights. 
Such  games  is  a  considerable  antique,  for 
they  was  invented  at  Battle  of  Marathon  in  a 
previous  B.  c.  time.  On  them  occasion  a 
Grecian  boy  run  27  mile  to  get  away  from 
Hon.  Persians  &  was  declare  a  champion  by 
Honduras,  mayor  of  Athens. 

This  year  it  were  decide  to  hold  them  Olympus 
games  at  England,  because  English  athletes  can 
win  nearly  everything  when  surrounded  by  Brittish 
sentiment  with  sufficient  Police  near  to  see  that  all 
rules  is  broken  in  a  quiet  &  orderly  manner. 


198  LETTERS  OF  A 

Before  Hon.  Games  was  shot  off  Hon.  Brittish 
Athletick  Committee  set  together  for  regulation  of 
events.  Following  were  decide  on  by  dignified 
majority: 

1  —  English   spirit  of  fair  play  must  be  visible 

everywheres.  Hon.  Judge  must  be  just  to 
all  nations  so  long  as  England  are  ahead. 

2  —  When  England   are  losing  Hon.   Judge  can 

prevent  this  by  ruling  Americans  out  of  race 
for  ungentlemanly  conduct. 

3  —  When  American  athlete  are  doing  some  up- 

jump  exercises  British  publick  are  warned 
not  to  assist  him  by  courteous  remarks. 
When  compelled  to  speak  they  will  be  per 
mitted  to  say  "Boo!"  "Obtain  a  horse!" 
or  other  wits  of  local  flavour. 

4  —  Since  Hon.  America  has  got  a  rawcuss  voice 

several  disputes  is  bound  to  occur.  So  long 
as  such  fights  is  Parlamentry  &  corteous, 
we  do  not  objeck  to  it.  Therefore  we 
snuggest  following  form  of  debate  for  all 
disputes: 

Hon.  American  Committee  —  Why  you  dishqualify 
American  run-man  from  4OO-meater  race  ? 

H on.  Brittish  Committee  —  Because  he  are  a  fraud 
of  considerable  professional  trix.  Also  we 
suspect  he  murder  his  mother  in  Omaha. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  199 

Hon.  Am.  Com.  —  When  you   begin  to   suspect 

all   them  horble   crime   against   that    young 

man  ? 
Hon.  Brit.  Com.  —  When  he  got  50  yard  ahead  of 

Brittish  runner  in  race. 
Hon.  Am.   Com. —Will  you  permit-it  for  Hon. 

America  run-man  to  race  it  again  &  show  how 

swiftly  he  can  ? 
Hon.  Brit.  Com.  —Answer  is,  No!!     Because  he 

could  run  several  footsteps  better  than  Hon. 

Brittish  run-man  who  would  be  beat.     It  are 

slavish  to  be  beat.     Brittens  seldom  shall  be 

slaves. 
Hon.  Am.  Com.  —  If  our  runs  is  the  swiftest  should 

they  not  have  the  most  medals  pinned  all  over 

them  ? 
Hon.  Brit.  Com.  -  -  The  race  are  not  always  for 

the  swiftest,   Hon.    Sir -- not  while   Brittish 

gods  are  ruling  Olympus! 

5 After    above    dyelog    rioting,    cat-calling     & 

other  sports  shall  be  enjoyed  &  American 
athletes  can  go  home  or  to  any  other  blazes 
they  seen  fit. 

While  attempting  a  slumber  on  couch  of  room 
Uncle  Nichi  &  Cousin  Nogi  come  in  &  make  a 
joint  debate  with  loud  voices,  which  is  very  carelus 
about  my  health. 


200  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Hon.  London  Times  decuss  4OO-meater- 
run  in  an  entirely  Christian  way/'  corrode  Uncle 
Nichi  who  lacks  dog-sense  like  O-Fido.  "Them 
great  &  pompus  news-print  say:  '  It  were  a  unfor 
tunate  incident  —  therefore  it  are  closed." 

"London  Times  know-how  to  be  nice  to 
Americans  on  all  occasions,"  explode  Nogi.  "  She 
speak  of  4OO-meater  run  like  she  speak  of  Revolu- 
tional  War  &  other  uncleaned  things." 

"America  beat  English  in  Revolutional  War," 
rasp  Uncle  for  discovery. 

"Of  sure  she  did,"  obligate  Nogi,  "but  on  them 
occasion  she  was  the  home  team.  If  such  a  wars 
had  been  fot  on  Brittish  soil  maybe  Hon. 
Geo.  Washington  would  of  been  dishqualified 
for  crowding  Gen.  Corn  Wallace  off  track. 
Facts  of  history  is  often  shaved  by  such  close 
razors." 

"Sport  between  such  great  nations  should  be 
gentle  &  just,  whitewashed  with  truth  &  free  of 
grafts,"  commute  Unc. 

"So  should  Christianity,  Socialism  &  Hearst 
Independence  Leg,"  otter  Nogi,  "but  are  they?" 

"Them  great  kingdoms  should  meet  in  a 
amature  spirit,"  I  gap,  bacause  can't  sleep  by 
racket. 

"What  you  mean  by  l  amature  spirit'  ?"  require 
Nichi. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  201 

"When  Primrose  Athletick  Club  &  Tele- 
graf  Hill  jWonders  meet  in  vacated  lot  to 
enjoy  baseball,  then  amature  spirit  are 
observed,"  say  Nogi.  "Hon.  Casey  go  to  bat- 
stick.  Some  ball-throws  is  indulged  for  vain 
clubbing.  ' Outside,  please!' yall  Hon.  Empire. 
'Liar,  please!'  jacklate  Primrose  Athleticks  in 
unicorn.  Language  is  thrown  everywheres  fol 
lowed  by  bat-sticks,  grand-stands,  etc.,  which  is 
beaten  upon  skull  until  intermission  by  Hon. 
Police." 

"And  yet  should  civilized  persons  feel  so  bleed- 
thirsty  about  innocent  &  friendly  sport?"  ask 
Uncle  to  know. 

"More  fraxures,  murders,  assault  &  batters, 
divorces  &  strangles  is  caused  by  innocent  & 
friendly  sport  than  by  jelousy,  love,  maniac, 
drunk  &  any  other  branch  of  crime  excepting 
of  Life  Insurance.  Look  on  blotter  of  Hon. 
Crime  Court  &  see  what  blots  appear  there  for 
following  crimes: 

Hon.    Pat    Sweeney,    occupation    brick-batter- 
crime,   justifiable  homocide  on   innocent    & 
friendly   Umpire  who   decide   against   home 
team.     Discharged  with  honour. 

Hon.  Aug.  Smutz,  occupation  German  —  crime, 
shoot  and  chop-up  best  friend  while  try  to 


202  LETTERS  OF  A 

teech  him  innocent  &  friendly  game  of  pinocle. 
Hanged  because  poor. 

Hon.  Archybald  Smith,  occupation  Pickle  Trust  — 
crime,  knocking  brains  from  a  clergy  with  a 
mallet  because  he  cheet  in  innocent  &  friendly 
game  of  crokay.  Saved  by  unwritten  law 
&  6  weeks  in  Mattywan  with  French  chef. 

Hon.  J.  D.  Rockpiler,  occupation  grand  larceny 
-  crime,  giving  rebates  to  a  golf-caddy. 
Fine,  $29,000,000  with  liberal  discount  in 
Court  of  Peals. 

Hon.  Mrs.  Wilkins,  occupation  social  vagrant  — 
crime,  bridge-play  while  house  was  afire  & 
husband  broiled.  Discharged  by  advice  of 
husband  who  was  a  first  offense. 

Hon.  Eli.  McYale,  alias  "Spud,"  alias  "Loco 
motive,"  alias  "  Kangaroo,"  occupation  col 
lege-student  —  crime,  feetball  with  intent  to 
kill.  Out  on  bale  till  after  feetball  season 
when  he  will  come  back,  please,  and  be 
electrocuted. 

Hon.  Ripi  Gavotti  &  Hon.  Peter  Hooley,  occupa 
tion  neighbours  —  crime,  mayhem  committed 
while  watching  a  innocent  &  friendly  dog 
fight.  Hon.  Gavotti  bite  away  ear  from 
Hon.  Hooley  to  prove  he  got  the  most  intelli 
gent  dog.  Prisoners  discharged  by  Judge 
who  also  love  dogs. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  203 

When  Uncle  Nichi  hear-it  all  them  record  of 
horble  crimes  he  become  seriously  Japanese. 

"O-so!"  he-say,  "Must  there  be  a  war  between 
America  &  England  because  of  a  mere  feet-race  ?" 

"If  a  mere  feet-race  can't  start  a  war,  nothing 
can.  Who  can  imagine  them  two  great  &  digni 
fied  peoples  making  such  hell-baloo  over  seal- 
fisheries  or  boundery-line  between  U.  S.  &  Canada 
or  small  trifle  like  annexation  of  Ireland  ?  Did 
Brittish  publick  stand  around  and  yall  'Boo!' 
to  rattle  American  diplomat  during  contest  of  Hay- 
Pauncefaute  treaty  ?  Ah  no!  But  when  a  craven 
foe  land  on  Brittish  soil  to  peril  sacred  rite  of  hop- 
skip-and-jump  what  son  of  Brittania  so  callus  not 
to  scream  ?" 

"I  got  a  poem,"  I  say  for  headache.  "It 
sound  delicious  in  Japanese  —  therefore  excuse 
following  translation: 

INTERNATIONAL  CEMENT 

The  Lion  to  the  Eagly  say,  "We  two  is  one  same  feather; 
We  done  too  much  of  sware  &  fite —  now  let  us  play  together." 

So  on  them  nice  Olympus  road  they  meet  some  games  to  try 

out  — 
The  Eagly-bird  he  watch  his  chance    &  scrape  them  Lion's 

eye  out. 

"Fowl  play!"  all  Lion  Cubs  they  cry;  so  all  them  beasts  they 

pair  off 
And  Lion  claws  make  feathers  fly  while  Eagly's  tear-off  hair-off. 


204  LETTERS  OF  A 

Them  Lion-dog  make  rory-rores  as  in  the  race  he  led  off 

And  when  he  reach  the  second  lap  he  eat  them  Eagly's  head  off. 

The  Birds  &  Beasts  of  all  the  world  they  cry  with  looks 

appealing, 
"O  such  a  comick  way  to  start  a  Era  of  Good  Feeling! 

"It  once  was  'Hands  Across  the  Sea — '  but  now  we  got  the 

notion 
That  all  the  instinck  that  they  got  is  'Claws  Across  the  Ocean/ 

"There  's  nothing  like  them  Ties  of  Blood  to  keep  such  friends 

together  — 
There  goes  the  Lion's  other  eye  —  there  goes  a  Eagly  feather !" 

And  so  they  fot  till  they  was  weak,  and  then  they  sadly  went 

off 
To  count  their  scratches,  dress  their  wounds —  and  pick  that 

darn  Cement  off. 

Mr.  Editor,  entire  trouble  with  them  Olympus 
games  was  that  American  athletes  was  handi 
capped  by  English  sense  of  Fair  Play  which  are  a 
famous  &:  sacred  thing  &  will  stop  at  nothing 
when  it  get  a  chance.  English  Fair  Play  have 
always  been  a  deliciously  important  fackter  in  her 
Colonial  Policy.  It  were  that  same  holy  fire  what 
give  to  America  a  Stamp  Act  &  Taxation  without 
Representations;  send  Lord  Clive  on  famous 
jewel-robberies  among  Moguls  what  was  entirely 
pagan  &  needed  doing;  force  hon.  opium-smoke 
down  palate  of  Hon.  China  so  she  would  sleep 
better;  and  sley  Mary,  Queen  of  Scotch,  with  a 
hatchet  because  she  live  in  the  suburbs. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  205 

What-say  renewed  Irish  Orator  about  England. 
He-say,  "O  perfidious  Albino!"  I  am  sly  about 
repeating  such  mean  curses. 

Strength  of  Hon.  England  are  this:  she  can  lie 
longer,  steal  stronger  &  look  more  respectable 
than  any  other  ancient  Nation  now  living. 
America  is  filled  with  disgusting  Grafts,  but 
Hon.  England  have  got  only  a  House  of  Lords 
decorated  with  coated  arms  &  vested  rights. 
London  are  poplus  with  Life  Insurance  Presi 
dents  disguised  as  Missionaries.  If  Jo-uncle 
Cannon  had  a  accent  made  in  Oxford  &  a  suit 
of  clothing  made  in  Hanover  Square  he  would 
not  need  to  change  his  politicks  before  setting 
in  the  House  of  Lords.  I  are  very  nervous 
about  England's  soul. 

Cousin  Nogi,  who  partly  agree  with  me  in  some 
things,  say,  "  I  are  joyfully  congratulated  not  to 
be  mixed  up  in  such  Olympus  affairs." 

"  English  sense  of  Fair  Play  are  a  joke,"  I  scorch. 

"  Perhapsly  that  are  why  it  are  took  so  seriously 
in  England,"  make-up  Nogi. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  O-Fido,  Hon.  Pup  to  which  I  belong, 
show  symptom  of  being  a  dash-hound. 


206  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

"Call  him  Cassius,"  say  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr. 
"Why-it  ?"  is  inquiry  for  me. 

"Hon.  Shakespeare  say  about  Cassius,  'In  him 
the  elements  so  mixed  up  that  all-world  might 
stand  around  &  say, "  This  was  a  dog." ' "  H.  T. 


XXIII 

OUTSIDE    EXERCISES    FOR    HEALTH 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  August    22d. 

Editor  N".  Y.  Newspaper  who  must  attend  to  spin- 
around  of  world  while  others  fish. 

DEAR  SIR --Year  of  America  are  divided  into 
2  sessions:  Winter  &  Summer.  Winter  are 
devote  to  acquiring  disease  inside;  Summer  are 
devote  to  getting  rid  of  them  outside.  Winter  are 
dedicate  to  serious  pursuit  of  money;  Summer  are 
devote  to  fooly  pursuit  of  rest.  Both  are  good 
ways  to  know  and  increase  Hon.  Death  Rates. 

Predatory  gentlemans  what  are  rich  enough  to 
agree  with  Hon.  Judiciary  about  Injunctions,  etc., 
can  afford  some  French-speaking  automobiles  of 
60  horse-power  and  go  out  for  pursue  a  rest. 
Man  who  break  Interstate  Commerce  law  a  little 
while  can  break  speed-law  the  rest  of  his  entire 
existence.  I  know  because  I  watch  him. 

Americans  go  for  rest  with  energy  of  human 
bullets.  Japanese  Schoolboy  stand  by  side  of 
roadside  &  shelter  self  from  strokes  by  raspberry 
trees.  Soonly  there  is  a  red  whizz  passing.  It 
are  a  automobile  of  French  extraction  and  Irish 


207 


2o8  LETTERS  OF  A' 

disposition.  By  front  seat  sets  fatty  gentleman 
who  is  a  owner  of  some  trusts,  because  he  look 
like  it.  Nearly  to  him  sets  Hon.  Chaffer  clasping 
teeth  for  nerves. 

"What  speedometer  is  it?"  ask  Hon.  Truster 
eating  some  dust. 

"6o-mile  hourly  we  are  going  it,"  say-he  with 
wheels. 

"Extreme  slowness,"  derange  Hon.  Finance. 

More  pushes  by  gasolene. 

"Of  what  speedness  now  ?"  examine  them  Trust 
Magnet. 

"75  mile  horse-power,"  say  Hon.  Chaffer  with 
lung. 

"Exaggerate  it!"  elapse  Hon.  Boss  for  mania. 

Hon.  Chaffer  try-to,  but  Hon.  Car  make  angry 
rage  of  cogs  &  do  an  explosion  by  fence  where 
fraxions  must  be  collected  patiently.  Injury  is 
enjoyed  by  all  passengers  who  is  afar  off  among 
clover-field  where  they  flew  to. 

I  am  a  hospital  corps  to  that  very  ill  Trust  & 
await  to  interview  him  with  bandages. 

"Where  was  you  going  so  hasty  ?"  is  first  ques 
tion  for  me. 

"Not  sure,"  say-he,  "but  I  was  rapidly 
approaching  there." 

"What  was  you  looking  after  so  whizzy?" 
negotiate  me. 


'I  have  a  developed  chest  already,'  snuggest  Hon.  Taft 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  209 

"A  rest/*  he  corrode  for  dying  smiles. 

"You  have  found  it  too  suddenly,"  I  commute 
with  epitaph  expressions.  "  Therefore  you  may 
rest  in  fractions." 

Mr.  Editor,  to  remain  good-healthy  it  are  nice 
to  choose  some  exercise  what  you  will  not  be  killed 
by.  Motor-car  axidents,  although  a  very  wealthy 
sport,  are  a  too  violent  physical  culture  for  Japan 
ese  Boy  who  would  prefer  to  be  alive  &  slightly 
sick  much  rather  than  to  be  dead  &  in  splandid 
muscular  condition.  Considerable  Heroes  of 
antiques  has  did  jiu  jitsu  to  Tyrants  and  yet  been 
entirely  ignorant  of  Hon.  Spalding's  Feetball 
Guide.  But  them  things  happened  in  very  former 
times. 

Shortly  ago  I  become  nervous  about  high  educa 
tion  of  brain.  "I  must  see  some  scholars  doing 
it,"  I  narrate  to  myself;  so  for  car-fare  I  go  visit 
one  intelligent  Red  Colledge  what  are  nearly 
here.  When  I  approach  near  to  campuss  I  am 
aware  of  excitable  sing-song  of  loud  mail  voices 
saying  something  together. 

"So  lofty!"  I  dib.  "They  are  resighting  pas 
sages  of  Grecian  poetry  in  chorus  so  they  all  will 
get  1 00%  mark  for  classick  examination!" 
I  make  excited  breath  &  hurry  foots  to  where  it 
happen. 


210  LETTERS  OF  A 

There  beholt!  was  all  young  youths  of  this  Red 
Colledge  stooding  together  for  wave  of  danger- 
signal  flags  &  saying  following  rotation  for  voice- 
culture: 

"Hurrah!  Hurrah! 
Play  glibly 
And    do    more   of!! 

om 

Such  a  bully  for  you!" 

(Repeat  this  several  times  for  imagination.) 
And  by  opposite  chairs  was  setting  a  Blue  Col- 
ledge  with   appropriate  shade  of  wave-flag  with 
which    they   make   wigwag   signals   to   following 
rotation  for  voice-culture: 

"Sissy-boom! 
What  is  wrong  with  us  ? 
By  investigation  we  find 
We  are  considerably  all  right  — 
Therefore  Hurrah  HURRAH!!" 

On  smooth  place  between  grandstands  was 
2  teams  of  red  &  blue  baseballers  playing  it  with 
batty  acrobaticks.  One  youngful  man  containing 
red  sox  was  considerably  idealized  by  Red  Colledge 
because  he  was  a  Hon.  Pitch  and  could  act  decep 
tively  while  shooting  fastly  to  Hon.  Catch.  When 
Hon.  Bat  would  make  swipe-stick  knocks  at  Hon. 
Ball  what  go  by  without  injury,  then  entirely  that 
Red  Colledge  would  scream  up,  "O  Smith,  Smith, 
you  are  so  good  to  do  it!!" 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  211 

When  Hon.  Blue  Runner  would  attempt  to  slide 
on  knuckles  &  Hon.  Red  Pitch  would  observe 
him  with  deceptive  throw,  then  such  banzais  from 
Hon.  Red  Colledge  what  would  hoola  out  loud, 
"Hurrah  some  more  for  Hon.  Smith  who  deserve 
it!" 

I  stand  by-next  to  one  Hon.  Professor  what  was 
also  shouting  with  gilt  spectacles. 

"Mr.  Sir,"  I  commune,  "why  this  Colledge 
make  such  proud  whoop-up  for  that  Smith  youth, 
please?" 

"Hon.  Smith  are  most  smartest  man  in  Col 
ledge,"  say  Hon.  Professor  with  surprise  for 
ignorance. 

"Ah!"  I  collide.  "So  thankful  to  see  such  a 
leader  of  thought!  By  what  branches  of  brain  do 
he  most  exsel  in  these  classick  hallways  of  Mrs. 
Minerva  ?" 

"He  are  a  hundred  yard  dasher  of  9  seconds,  he 
are  a  pole-jump  of  12  feet,  for  2  years  he  play 
short-stop  on  feetball  game  and  can  throw  a  spit 
ting  baseball  in  circles  around  all  batty  athletes." 

"He  must  be  a  very  high  educated  man,"  I 
combust;  "I  bet  your  bootware  that  Hon.  Shakes 
peare  could  not  do  nothing  like  that." 

"  Hon.  Shakespeare  was  neglected  in  childhood," 
say  Prof.  "So  he  never  go  to  colledge  to  learn 
how." 


212  LETTERS  OF  A 

"So  sorry  for  that!"  I  ratify.  "Do  this  Hon. 
Smith  have  very  muscular  mind  for  study  of 
Grecian  poetry  ? " 

"Scarcely  if  seldom,"  mitigate  Hon.  Prof. 
"Faculty  of  this  Colledge  do  not  believe  in  making 
bright  mind  of  youth  sad  by  too  much  read  on 
subjecks  of  solum  &  trajick  Greek  poetries." 

"They  should  read  Hon.  Aristophanes,"  I  say- 
so,  "for  he  was  considered  a  very  comick  Greek 
poet." 

"Maybe-so  he  were,"  dib  them  Prof.  "But 
I  have  been  teacher  of  classick  literature  for  35 
tiresome  years,  and  never  yet  have  I  saw  any 
colledge  boys  tickling  themselves  to  death  with 
jokes  from  that  Hon.  Aristophanes." 

I  am  entirely  flabbed.  So  I  go  to  Carnegie 
Library  of  them  Colledge  to  see  by  quiet  look  how 
many  of  them  student  was  improving  inside  of 
skulls  by  books.  And  there  what  see  ?  Three 
Japanese  students  setting  in  bench  for  lone 
some  company.  One  of  them  was  studying  "An 
tique  War  Map  of  Battle  of  Marathon."  Other 
was  taking  light  chew  from  "Co-tangent  Theory 
about  Circular  Orbits,"  and  other  one  was  trying 
to  translate  works  of  James  Whatcome  Riley  into 
Japanese. 

I  sneak  silently  out  with  mollycuddle  feelings  of 
instep. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  213 

Sydney  Katsu  say-so  that  game  of  Golluf  are 
called  "sport  of  kings."  Therefore  if  any  private 
gentleman  wishes  to  become  a  king  or  something 
in  America  he  must  go  to  meadows  and  learn  how- 
play  this  peculiar  knocking  game.  When  Hon. 
Rockefeller  lernt  it  he  became  a  Oil  King  &  still 
continues  to  exercise. 

Before  Hon.  Roosevelt  decided  to  appoint  Hon. 
Taft  to  be  King  of  America  he-say  him:  "Hon. 
Bill,  what  kind  of  a  athlete  are  you,  please  ?" 

"I  are  a  very  distinguished  trot,"  narrate  Wm. 
"I  have  become  noted  by  running  from  places 
to  places." 

'  These  U.  S.  won't  not  stand  no  more  fat 
heroes,"  say  Hon.  Roosevelt.  "What  possibly 
good  it  do  you  to  have  newspaper  print  say  'Hon. 
Taft  spend  24  hours  daily  at  desk?'  Small  or 
less.  But  have  war  correspondent  say  'Hon. 
Taft  spend  24  hours  daily  tearing  teeth  out  of 
wild  bulls'  and  you  will  be  called  upon  by  1,000 
photographers  &  Frederick  Remington." 

Hon.  Taft  set  silently  eating  fattening  cigars. 

"When  you  are  training  to  be  a  king,"  say  Hon. 
Theo,  "you  must  exercise  to  develop  considerable 
chest." 

MI  have  a  developed  chest  already,"  snuggest 
Hon.  Taft,  drawing  his  belt  close  around. 

"Assuredly    you    have,"    say    Hon.    President, 


2i4  LETTERS  OF  A 

"but  you  should  wear  it  higher  so  that  it  would 
show  to  better  advantage." 

"How  to  begin  to  be  a  National  Athlete?" 
say  Hon.  Wm. 

"I  began  by  breaking  horses,"  say  Hon.  Theo. 

"I  can  easily  break  the  stoutest  horse  by  setting 
on  him,"  abrogate  Hon.  Taft. 

"I  am  disgusted  by  such  a  set-pat  policy,"  say 
ruler  of  nation.  "  If  you  can  not  take  exercise  you 
can  at  least  play  Golluf." 

So  Hon.  Roosevelt  loand  Hon.  Taft  a  big  club 
if  he  promise  not  to  broke  it  &  he  find  a  nice, 
green  link  near  Light  House  at  Washington  where 
he  practise  Hon.  Golluf  Game.  On  door  of  Sec. 
of  War  it  are  now  a  easy  snap  to  find  following 
card: 

HON.  WM.  H.  TAFT 

ARE    ABSENT    ON    LINK    TO    PLAY    GOLLUF    GAME    FROM     2    TO    4 

DAILY  TILL   AFTER    ELECTION. 

MOVING    PICTURE    MAN 

IS  CORDIALLY  INVITED  TO  BE  THERE 

Mr.  Editor,  what  are  most  principally  shocky 
&  surprise  to  me  about  outside  exercises  enjoyed 
by  Americans  is  that  they  takes  them  in  such  a 
light  &  frivlus  spirit  of  josher.  Are  game  of 
health-bring  and  deep  breathing  merely  a  funny 
laugh-at  thing  ?  Answer  is,  No!! 

It  sadden  my  pulse  to  see  American  family  by 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  215 

good  elderly  summertime  pack  trunk  to  go  shore- 
side.  Why  they  sing  &  whistle  comick  song 
about  "  I  am  timid  to  return  home  in  darkness"  ? 
Why  so  happy  &  frolick  for  as  they  are  gone  down 
to  train  ?  Do  they  not  know  that  they  are  sujurn- 
ing  away  for  benefit  of  kidney,  liver  &  lung,  which 
is  hyjean  &  therefore  kind  of  sacred  because  it 
can  do  a  great  deal  of  harm  to  all  human  races  ? 
By  border  of  ocean  they  go  to  some  light  hotel  & 
dip  slightly  in  tidy  serf  of  sea,  they  lole  upon  sand 
in  delighted  clothing,  they  puff  cigarette,  they 
drink  intoxicated  ginriksha.  By  moontime  they 
practise  whatever  flirting  is  necessary  —  no 
thoughts  of  their  scientifick  insides. 

Ah,  vacation  should  be  a  more  solum  &  useful 
improvement!  Japanese  athlete  would  arise  more 
sadder  &  stern  by  6  of  clocktime  in  morning  to 
do  986  dips  with  backbone  for  benefit  of  interior 
digestion.  He  would  measure  self  by  Bertillon 
system  by  each  hourly  prompt.  Then  he  would 
feel  strong  &  well,  or  else  he  would  n't.  Vacation 
are  nothing  to  laugh  at  as  if  it  was  a  jokes. 

But  Cousin  Nogi  are  got  so  sinical  he  make  Sneer- 
face  at  everything  including  sacred  subjecks  & 
Tariff.  Last  night  we  go  hear  Prof.  Matsuki, 
Japanese  hyjean,  lecture-talk  to  Asiatick 
Y.  M.  C.  A. 


216  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Intellectual  gymnasiums,  together  with  nursh- 
ing  food/'  say  Hon.  Matsuki,  "have  increased 
stature  of  Japanese  nation  6  inches  in  last  10 
years." 

Cousin  Nogi  deliver  me  one  mean  pinch  by  leg- 
joint. 

"I  shall  give  you  a  hit  unless  stop!"  I  dib  for 
pain. 

"Listen  to  them  lecture  what  he  say-it!"  fatigue 
Nogi.  "He-say  each  Japanese  by  exercises  & 
feed  has  grew  6  inches  in  10  year-time.  At  them 
rate  they  will  all  be  5  ft.  10  inches  by  1918." 

'That  are  a  nice  patriotick  average  for  me," 
I  surround. 

"  By  keeping  on  with  eat  &  gymnastus  they  will 
all  be  6  ft.  10  inches  in  1938.  What,  then,  would 
keep  all  Japanese  from  being  8  ft.  10  inches  lofty 
in  year  1978  ?" 

"Nothing  but  laziness,"  I  repose  for  answer. 

'The  Japanese  is  aptly  determined,"  decry 
Nogi,  showing  satire  by  nose.  "If  they  use  con 
siderable  Christian  Science  about  growing  up 
could  they  not  become  physical  sky-scrapes  in 
time?" 

"They  might,  but  could  they?"  is  answer  for 
me. 

"And  what  if  they  attained  such  a  lofty?" 
locate  Nogi  with  skeptick  look  from  Missouri, 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  217 

"would  they  be  more  smart  if?  Physical  culture 
do  not  make  persons  able  to  lecture  on  works 
of  Browning  and  Chiropodes.  Hon.  James  Jef 
fries  are  a  very  physical  cultured  man,  yet  he  can 
only  lick  one  person  at  a  time.  Hon.  Napoleon, 
what  was  a  brief  man  with  a  circular  stummick, 
could  combatter  10,000  talented  Germans  by 
twist  of  his  thumbs." 

"Yet  Hon.  Napoleon  were  finally  a  sick  failure," 
I  announce  for  sighs. 

"Of  surely  he  were  not!"  dib  that  heated  Nogi. 
"If  he  were  a  failure  how  he  got  his  nephew  that 
high  job  in  Roosevelt  Cabinet?" 

I  am  confused  to  answer. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same,  I  am 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XXIV 

CAN  HON.  NORTH  POLE  BE  DETECTED? 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  August    26th. 
To  Editor  New  York  newspaper  which  shoots  out 
Truth  like  a  soda  fountain    &  serve  it  with 
very  tasty  flavours  to  all-kind  of  humans. 

DEAR  SIR  —  I  am  bed-riding  now,  thank  you, 
for  illness  of  head.  So  sorry  I  go  Fresno  last 
week  to  seek-it  where  work  was  to  be  got  among 
Hon.  Grapes,  but  not  for  me.  The  weather  had  a 
temperament  of  98°  in  shadow  &  pretty  soonly  I 
am  discovered  enjoying  a  sunstrike  by  dusty  road. 
" Poor  Japanese  Boy!"  collapse  kind  Mr.  Jack 
son,  who  is  a  sweet  philanthropy;  so  he  ship  me 
backwards  to  this  dear  San  Francisco  and  donate 
me  $10  weekly  so  long  as  I  am  sick. 

On  such  a  salary  I  shall  be  liesurely  about  get 
ting  well. 

So  here  I  are,  Mr.  Editor,  once  more  again  at 
Patriots  of  Japan  Board  &  Lodging,  where  I 
receive  all  Japanese  and  American  friends  who  will 
be  polite  guests  &  please  not  bring  no  more  flours 
because  my  hon.  bedroom  become  stuffy  with 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  219 

such  fragral  smells.  Candy  &  light  sandwitches, 
howeverly,  will  be  welcome  day  &  night. 

Cousin  Nogi,  Arthur  Kickahajama,  Uncle  Nichi, 
Sydney  Katsu  Jr.,  Little  Annie  Anazuma  &  Frank 
the  Japanned  Bootpolish  make  walk-in  to  my 
room  this  morning  to  be  a  Tennis  Cabinet  for  me. 
They  bring  golden  thoughts,  but  nothing  more 
expensive. 

"In  Idaho  &  Colorado  where  ladies  is  com 
pelled  to  smoke  cigarettes  and  act  manly  on 
election  days,"  say  Cousin  Nogi,  "there  Hon. 
Frank  H.  Hitchcock  will  get  elected  by  a  unamer- 
ous  majority  because  of  his  beautiful  eyes  and 
hair." 

"He  will  be  very  popular  in  high  schools, 
Vassars,  etc.,  because  of  his  sweet  expression," 
olicute  little  Annie. 

"Will  such  a  expressions  make  him  popular 
among  campaign  contributions?"  contribute 
Japanned  Frank  with  steam-roller  sniff. 

My  Hon.  Friends  then  begin  making  talk  all 
over  my  very  sick  bed  with  awful  feverish  debats 
until  I  groan  from  hot  brows,  because  I  got  a  sun- 
strike.  Political  conversation  next  turn  to  all- 
kinds  tropickal  subjecks.  Cousin  Nogi  mention 
Hon.  Revolution  in  Honaduras;  Japanned  Frank 
say-so  that  Hon.  Cuba  can't  never  escape  from 
Hon.  Taft  when  he  got  it;  Uncle  Nichi  enquire  to 


220  LETTERS  OF  A 

know  if  Rep  Party  will  continue  to  be  useless  about 
Philippine  tobacco;  and  Little  Annie  Anazuma 
tell  of  paper-news  she  read  about  hon.  yellow 
fever  enjoyed  by  Hon.  Dirt  Digs  of  Panama  Canal. 

I  put  hand  to  my  boiled  skull  &  collapse  with 
gasps. 

"You  are  a  loud  noise,"  I  liquidate.  "When 
you  come  to  bedstead  of  a  sunstruck  person,  why 
you  all-time  talk  about  politicks  what  are  happen 
ing  all  over  Hon.  Equator?" 

"Would  some  breezy  topick  of  conversations  be 
more  pleasant  for  such  a  sun-strike?"  enquire 
Uncle  Nichi  with  farm-yard  voice. 

"Iced  thoughts  would  be  very  nice  for  brain," 
I  dib  with  fan. 

Then  up  say  Arthur  Kickahajama,  missionary 
boy  who  will  be  a  heathen  2  weeks  more  before 
vacation  is  over, 

"I  have  got  just  such  a  cold  topicks,"  he-say. 
"Hon.  Adm.  Peary,  intemperate  explorer  on  cold- 
weather  boat  Roosevelt,  have  started  for  Swartz- 
burger,  Sweden,  in  hopes  that  he  will  discovery  an 
entirely  iced  Pole  before  it  melts." 

'Thank  you  so  much,  Arthur  Kickahajama," 
I  sigh-up  for  relief,  "  already  I  feel  some  pleasant 
chills  in  my  vertebral." 

"In  his  kitty  of  supplies,"  say  Arthur,  "Hon. 
Peary  have  took  750  blankets  of  red  flannel  com- 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  221 

plexion,  100  grizzly-skin  pajamas,  60  Tiny  Wonder 
gas-heaters,  7  tons  axle-greeze  to  use  as  butter 
when  starving  &  20  doggy-sleys  with  limousine 
tops  to  keep  off  cold." 

"What  are  he  going  to  North  Pole  for  if  he  desire 
to  keep  off  cold  ?"  I  enquire  with  sun-stroke  gasps. 

"I  am  confused  about  it,"  say  Arthur.  "Hon. 
Peary  perform  a  interview  for  N.  Y.  Journals 
before  depart.  'Are  you  afraid  of  a  freeze?' 
Hon.  Reporter  ask  to  know.  'No,  I  are  not/  he 
reply  for  pride." 

"All  Arctick  explorers  is  entirely  fearless  about 
freezing  in  July,"  report  little  Annie  Anazuma, 
who  are  a  bright  for  her  nine-year  age. 

"  If  a  good  detective  should  discover  this  Pole 
what  would  he  discover?"  require  Uncle  Nichi, 
who  is  becoming  educated  in  American  telephones. 

"He  would  discover  considerable  bad  weather," 
abrogate  Nogi. 

"Should  a  person  go  through  such  a  pearil  & 
danger  to  discover  bad  weather  ?"  say  Uncle  who 
can  enquire  if  nothing  else. 

"  It  are  the  pearil  &  danger  what  makes  all  them 
furry  gentlemans  so  anxious  to  get  it,"  say  Nogi. 
"If  Hon.  North  Pole  was  in  our  back  yard  who 
would  care  to  have  it  ?" 

"I  should  like  some  chunks  for  headache," 
I  neglige  with  pained  eyebrows. 


222  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Polar  discovery  are  a  nice  sport  for  Investiga 
tors,"  devote  Frank. 

"What  would  they  investigate  at  North  Pole  ?  " 
require  Nogi  for  scorn.  "  Is  there  some  Grafts  at 
North  Pole  ?  Have  it  got  a  Saloon  Evil  like 
Chicago,  or  a  Labour  Trouble  like  Idaho,  or  a 
Railroad  Problemb  like  Illinois,  or  some  Favourite 
Sons  like  Ohio,  or  a  Musical  Mayor  like  San 
Francisco,  or  some  Senate  Undesirables  like  Wash 
ington  ?  If  Hon.  Pole  ain't  got  no  Hon.  Shames 
like  them  I  mention  it  should  be  let  alone.  If  it 
have  got  such  a  Grafts  they  must  be  nicely  packed 
in  ice  where  they  will  keep  forever  unless  disturbed. 
Why  should  a  refined  N.  Y.  gentleman  travel  all- 
way  to  Latitude  O  for  find  some  cold-storage  graft 
when  he  can  get  it  entire  year  round  in 
Philadelphia?" 

"We  ask  to  know!"  collapse  my  Japanese 
Friends  in  unicorn  &  leave  me  alonesome  with 
my  sick  medicines. 

Mr.  Editor,  as  I  continue  enjoying  sickness  I 
got  time  to  think  about  important  topicks  in  an 
entirely  fooly  way.  I  think  about  all  them 
American  &  English  gentlemans  what  has  seeked 
North  Pole  because  they  was  not  tame  enough  to 
enjoy  game  of  golluf  and  bridge-card.  How  much 
more  jollifying  to  go  straggling  for  deathsome 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  223 

effort  over  dreer  waists  of  ice  with  full  heart  and 
empty  stummick  —  how  much  more  pleasant  this 
are  than  continually  gollufing  over  the  links  with 
a  retired  cloak  manufacturer  what  can't  talk 
about  nothing  else  besides  roomatism  &  Marie 
Corelli!  When  Hon.  Arctick  Explorer  think  of 
some  persons  he  have  left  behind  his  awful  solitude 
become  entirely  cozy. 

Mr.  Editor,  what  nationality  of  human  races  has 
not  enjoyed  hunting  for  Poles  ?  Irish  mans, 
Americans,  Danes,  Swedishes,  all  make  rapid  vi 
with  each  other  for  this  sport.  Hon.  Russian  po 
lice  is  also  fond  of  hunting  Poles,  but  them  is 
usually  of  an  entirely  Jewish  variety.  Hon. 
Duke  de  Bruzzi  were  unable,  thank  you,  to  observe 
the  Hon.  Pole  to  discover  it;  but  he  recently  dis 
cover  America  with  a  very  matrimonial  expression. 
Only  human  nationalities  which  does  not  care 
about  dashes  to  North  Pole  is  Hon.  Niggers  \vhich 
is  too  lazy  and  Hon.  Japanese  which  has  got  too 
much  sense. 

Hon.  Walter  Wellman  of  Chicago  discover  Hon. 
Pole  in  a  airship.  Hon.  Magazines,  Newspaper 
press,  etc.,  all  get  delicious  accounts  about  Hon. 
Wellman's  discovery  long-time  before  it  happen, 
which  was  fortunate  because  it  never  did.  Great 
day  of  discovery  arrive.  "Are  you  ready,  Hon. 
Wellman?"  require  Hon.  Photographer  with 


224  LETTERS  OF  A 

Chicago  accent.  "Of  sure  I  are!"  explode  Hon. 
Wellman,  who  was  without  a  daunt.  "Then  cut- 
it  the  string!"  say-all,  and  Hon.  Airship  arise  to 
duzzy  hight  of  18  feet  where  Hon.  Wellman  could 
see  distinctly  maglificant  penorama  of  Arctick 
scenery  with  nice  fotos  of  Alice  Boreas  all  lit  up, 
which  he  send  to  Chicago  newsoffice  with  report, 
"I  am  sure  Hon.  North  Pole  are  still  over  there." 
Then  his  airship  descend  down  with  a  bursted 
stummick. 

Since  then  Hon.  Wellman  have  turned  from 
Baloons  to  Bryan.  He-say  for  recent  newspaper 
article:  "Hon.  Bryan  will  of  sure  get  to  White 
House  by  a  short  cut."  If  Hon.  Bryan  start 
to  White  House  by  Hon.  Wellman  windship  he 
might  get  there,  but  would  he  ? 

Mr.  Editor,  I  have  following  poetick  rapture 
because  my  head  is  sick: 

Columbus  say  the  World  go  roundy-round 
Just  like  bisickel  wheel  do,  day   &  night; 

The  Pole  it  are  a  Hub  which  move  that  ground 
And  are  too  busy,  thanks,  to  act  polite. 

The  Pole  he  got  a  quite  important  task 

And  must  be  enerjetick  all  he  can; 
He  dib,  "Get  out!"  when  persons  come  to  ask  — 

He  hard  to  find  like  E.  H.  Harriman. 

The  Pole  he  manage  all  them  rolling-stock 
And  boss  the  world  whatever  way  he  please. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  225 

When  Muckrakes  come  to  write  him  up  for  shock 
He  say,  "Refuse  to  answer,"  then  he  freeze. 

The  Pole  he  are  a  predatory  Graft, 

A  short-but-ugly  word,  yet  on  he  go 
With  utter  disregard  of  Time  &  Taft  — 

A  Solid  Plutocrat  of  ice  and  snow. 

Mr.  Editor,  I  am  aware  why  Hon.  Peary  boat 
are  called  the  Roosevelt.  It  are  because  it  are  a 
hot  thing  in  a  cold  climbate  —  also  because  it  are 
a  champion  ice-burster.  (At  least  smile  at  this, 
please,  because  it  would  sound  delicious  in 
Japanese.) 

Seriously  thinking  it,  I  shall  not  prevent  that 
Hon.  Peary  from  going  to  North  Pole  as  oftenly 
as  whimsical;  and  yet  I  peev  with  complaint 
because  he  do  it  on  so  small  scales.  He  are  a 
small  dealer  in  Poles,  therefore  he  should  be 
crowded  to  wall  by  all  rules  of  Interstate  Com 
merce.  Would  it  not  be  more  better  for  civilization 
if  Arctick  Circle  was  organized  into  exploration 
Trust  with  $20,000,000  capital  and  several 
Senators  ?  You  bet  your  bootware  such  a  Trust 
would  get  to  Pole  &  build  trolley  to  there  in  less 
time  than  it  take  to  pass  a  Forest  Reserve  Bill. 
I  am  surprised  that  such  a  Trust  has  not  thought 
of  this  already,  for  what-say  Hon.  Kipling  ?  He- 
say:  "  Is  seldom  a  law  of  man  or  God  found  North 
of  23." 


226  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

Such  a  climbate  would  be  awfully  ideel  for 
a  Trust. 

Yet  I  am  suspicious.  If  Hon.  Wall  Street  are 
not  interested  in  North  Pole  there  must  be  delici- 
ciously  little  laying  loose  around  there  to  steal. 

For  final  thought,  Hon.  Sir,  I  suspect  that  con 
siderable  salt-drip  of  tears  is  waisted  on  them  cool 
heroes  of  far  North.  Mrs.  Lusy  Macdonald, 
tender  &  fat  angel,  say:  "Poor  mans,  not  to  have 
fresh  asparagus  for  months  in  &  out!" 

"Truly  so,"  I  navigate,  "but  if  they  have  no 
fresh  asparagus,  they  also  has  no  mosquitos." 

"Togo,  should  you  like  to  be  a  Arctick  Explorer 
you  talk  like?"  she  ask  it. 

"I  should  like  to  be  |  a  Arctick  Explorer,"  I 
struggle.  "  If  I  was  permitted  to  do  so  I  should 
enjoy  to  be  Hon.  Peary  during  June,  July,  August 
&  Sept.  During  Fall  &  Winter  months  I  should 
be  pleased  to  spread  gospels  among  better  warmed 
cannibels  of  South  Seas." 

"  Both  are  noble  trades  for  a  hero,"  say-she  for 
kind  sentiment. 

"It  are  pleasant  to  be  useless  during  vacations," 
I  dib. 

With  love  to  Senator  Lodge  &  other  successful 
Eskimos, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XXV 

HIGH  TARIFF  ON  PRINCES 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  Sept.  ist. 

To  Editor  of  New  York  Newspaper  which  must  be 
very  marriageable  person,  if  he  has  not  already 
attended  his  own. 

HON.  MR.  —  Frank  the  Japanned  Bootpolish, 
who  is  a  mental  Socialist,  say  me  this  statistick 
for  peevish  argument: 

"  Twenty-five  thousand  pairs  of  people  is  mar 
ried  together  by  each  day  in  these  U.  S." 

"Such  delicious  number  of  happiness!"  I  com 
mit,  pointing  to  Utah  on  map. 

"  Of  them  25,000  wedding  ceremonies,"  derange 
Frank  with  Harvard  expression,  "at  leastly  23,000 
is  International  Marriages,  including,  by  police- 
record,  following  races:  Huns,  Finns,  Siberians, 
Liberians,  Polaks,  Mollusks,  Mazourkas,  Dons, 
Otts,  and  Pennsylvanians." 

"Them  races  is  told  apart  by  washing  them," 
I  deride  for  conversation. 

"Of  them  23,000  assorted  foreigns  getting 
married  together  by  each  day,  maybe  there  is  a 
few  number  with  something  queer  about  them; 

227 


228  LETTERS  OF  A 

maybe  100  of  them  has  clubbed  feets,  50  of  them  is 
double-jointed  dwarfs,  10  of  them  has  two  heads 
apiece,  6  of  them  is  Siamese  twins,  and  I  or  2  of 
them  is  a  Duke  or  something." 

"  Do  newspaper-press  mention  with  loud  excite 
ment  the  marriage  of  all  them  Hon.  Freaks?"  I 
ask  for  knowledge. 

"Seldom  if  any,"  say  Frank  the  Japanned 
Bootpolish.  "What  say  Hon.  Shakespeare  about 
International  Marriages  ?  He-say,  'When  Princes 
wed  there  is  such  big  show  that  other  Hon.  Freaks 
must  crawl  out  under  tent." 

"  Do  you  not  say  jokey-talk  when  you  mention 
that  Hon.  Prince  among  other  Hon.  Freaks?"  I 
inquire  to  know. 

"Ah  no!"  rejoy  that  Frank.  "Is  not  one  Hon. 
Prince  some  Freak?  Yes,  surely  so!  Is  not  one 
baby  born  with  crown  on  top  of  skull  as  curio  to 
see  as  one  baby  born  with  six  ears  ?  Boots  can  be 
bet  on  it!" 

"Too  sad,"  I  collapse  with  tear-drop  of  eye. 
"When  one  Hon.  Prince  come  to  this  U.  S.  persons 
should  be  more  politeness.  They  should  not 
make  groups  around  him  with  scissors  to 
cut  away  souveners  from  him.  They  should 
not  lift  off  his  Hon.  Derby  to  take  peeps  at 
his  Hon.  Crown.  Maybe  he  is  sensitive  about  his 
deformity!" 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  229 

"Hon.  Princes  is  not  entirely  like  other  common 
Freaks,"  debate  Hon.  Frank. 

"With  what  for  difference?"  I  reject. 

"Common  Freaks  is  supported  by  Museums 
which  do  very  well.  Hon.  Princes  is  supported 
by  Tradition  which  often  forget  to  pay  salary. 
Hence  appropriations  must  be  voted  in  U.  S.  Senate 
for  International  Marriages." 

My  cousin  Nogi,  which  hear  them  words  we 
spoke  in  Japanese  syllables,  come  up  and  say, 

"If  Hon.  Senator  Pelkins  permit  Hon.  Duke 
de  Buzzi  to  marry  his  family,  will  this  not  be 
considered  unpatriotick  act  to  do  ?  Will  not  Hon. 
Senator  occupy  anonamous  position  in  U.  S. 
Senate?"  This  from  Nogi. 

"  I  am  reminded  of  fudge ! "  I  relapse  with  expres 
sion  of  iced  aristocrat.  "  He  will  occupy  elsewhere 
position!" 

"What  committee  in  U.  S.  Senate  could  endure 
such  Hon.  Senator  when  so  related  to  pompous 
crown  of  Italy?"  require  Japanned  Frank. 

"Committee  on  Foreign  Relations  would  be  very 
nice  seat  for  such  Senator,"  I  commute  with 
decorated  appearance  from  eyebrow. 

Mr.  Editor,  I  am  a  shock  &  grief  to  see  attitudes 
of  this  America  to  them  Nobilities  earning  here  in 
seek  for  employment.  Why  for  is  such  high-tarift 


230  LETTERS  OF  A 

policy  in  this  free  kingdom  on  them  European 
manufactured  goods  like  automobiles,  barons  and 
carved  sculptors  ?  America  are  entirely  anxious 
to  become  civilized  —  yet  how  can  she  get  it  with 
out  some  of  them  things  made  in  Germany  for 
small  price  ?  In  France  any  mechanical  working- 
girl  can  afford  to  buy  one  small  Baron  on  easy 
installment  plan.  In  Italy  they  are  served  as 
waiters  with  meals.  Americans  may  collect  them 
in  all  countries  of  Europe,  but  in  Custom  House 
of  U.  S.  they  are  insulted  and  treated  like  works 
of  art,  because  Hon.  Jo-uncle  Cannon  are  so 
chivalrous  about  Hon.  Sugar  &  Tobacco. 

But  ah!  I  know,  Mr.  Editor.  Hashimura  Togo 
are  on  to  some  sure  wisdom  about  why  them  Hon. 
Nobles  is  so  rare  to  get  in  this  America  when 
delicious  to  have!  Hon.  Trusts  do  it!!  It  are 
one  Combination  in  Restraint  of  Trade.  Day- 
by-year  Hon.  Small  Dealer  is  crowdy  to  wall. 
How  often  do  Dukes  come  to  America  with  pur 
pose  of  marrying  some  Common  People  ?  Never 
if  seldom  —  except  when  them  Common  People 
is  rich  as  they  are  common.  Who  get  first  pick-out 
of  the  Sizzyeni  and  De  Chagrin  families  when  they 
arrive  to  Custom  House  ?  Do  Hon.  Employ 
ment  Bureaus  ?  Do  Plumbers  &  Joiners  Union  ? 
Do  Beneficial  Order  of  Elks  ? 

Reply  is,  NO !    Who  do,  then  ?     For  answer 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  231 

write  to  Hon.  La  Folette  who  will  send,  by 
stamp,  list  of  persons  who  done  it,  including 
97  varieties  of  wealth. 

Hon.  Henry  Watterson,  who  is  official  thinker 
for  Kentucky,  say-so  that  this  kingdom  is  deli- 
ciously  disgusted  about  Princes  because  it  are 
entirely  Democratick  by  vote.  Foreign  titles  give 
especial  loathing  to  desperate  patriots  like  Hon. 
Hearst,  who  say  that  all  Dukes  ought  to  be  shot;  so 
he  do  so,  thank  you,  with  foto  camera. 

During  the  wedding  season  in  America  it  are 
nice  trick  for  Japanese  Schoolboy  to  set  in  sofa  of 
very  gilt  hotel  and  watch  something.  Pretty 
soonly  it  arrive.  It  is  one  quiet  gentleman  of  grey 
finish  who  make  sneak-walk  in  at  tradesman 
entrance  of  hotel.  He  is  scarcely  to  be  noticeable 
except  for  fact  that  he  wear  blue  goggles  &  green 
beard  to  appear  natural.  As  he  approach  to  desk 
of  Hon.  Clerk  there  is  nervous  creaking  of  furniture 
where  Hon.  Reporters  is  hidden  in. 

44 Name,  please,  to  register  it!"  say  Hon.  Clerk 
with  pen. 

"  John  Smith  of  Nebraska,"  remit  them  stranger 
with  Kansas  accent. 

"You  are  a  ugly  word!"  renig  that  Clerk  with 
teeth.  "Nobody  in  Nebraska  have  such  queer 
name  like  John  Smith." 


232  LETTERS  OF  A 

(Impatient  noises  heard  from  kodaks  behind 
furniture.) 

"On  what  business  are  you  here  on?"  relapse 
Hon.  Clerk. 

"  I  ain't  not  here  on  no  business.     I  are " 

"You  are"  abjurgate  Clerk,  "then  you  admit 
it!" 

"He  admit  it!!"  cry-out   17  Reporters    &  9 
Photographers  arising  from  furniture. 

"Which  do  I  admit?"  desire  Hon.  Stranger 
beginning  to  make  tears. 

"You  are  the  Prince  de  Chagrin!"  collapse  all 
in  unicorn. 

"Discovery!"  cry  that  unhappy  Prince,  fainting 
away  into  bar-room.  All  kodaks  explode 
simultaneously. 

With  immediate  quickness  that  Hotel  become 
one  International  Affair.  Telegraf  editors  of  all 
prominent  newspresses  set  desks  in  lobby  to  be 
near  it;  hallway  in  front  of  bedroom  where  Hon. 
Prince  is  awake,  is  full  with  interviewers,  biog 
raphers,  historians,  popular  novelists,  muck- 
rakers,  scratch-artists,  paint-artists,  photographers 
&  engravers. 

'Pretty  soonly  Evening  Bagpipe  come  out. 
On  back  page  is  grand  editorial  of  magnificent 
tipe  of  title  "How  We  Despise  that  Nobility!" 
To  prove  them  contempt  of  nobility,  Evening 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  233 

Bagpipe  print  live-size  portrait  on  front  page 
showing  Hon.  de  Chagrin  being  draped  in  auto 
mobile  with  America  &  French  flags  by  Cupid  & 
mothology  ladies.  By  each  J  hour  Evening 
Bagpipe  arrive  with  extra  edition  to  tell  what 
might  be  next,  as  follows: 

10  o'clock  extra!  —  Prince  de  Chagrin  took  elevator 

to  wine-room  and  say,  "Make  it  two!"  This 
is  an  almost  proof  that  he  is  engaged. 
10:30  double  extra!!  —  Royal  Prince  de  Chagrin 
was  saw  looking  at  palace  of  Hon.  J.  W. 
Moneywortz  this  morning  with  matrimonial 
expression. 

11  o'clock   pink   extra!!! —  His   Highness,  Prince 

de  Chagrin,  shook  hands  with  Senator  John 
son  with  democratick  laugh.  Hon.  Senator, 
with  great  presence  of  mind,  said,  "  My  daugh 
ter  is  already  married." 

1 1 :30  double  pink  sporting  extra!!!!  —  His  Royal 
Highness,  Prince  de  Chagrin,  stopped  at 
Seidlitz  Gallery  and  looked  ij  minutes  at 
photo  of  famous  chorus-girl.  Thwlling  story 
of  this  lady's  life  (if  she  got  one)  will  appear 
in  3  color  for  Sunday  extra  supplement  with 
souvenir  toy  baloons. 

12  o'clock  green  international  suicide  extra!!!!!  - 

His  Majesty,  Prince  de  Chagrin,  have  dis- 


234  LETTERS  OF  A 

appeared.     Nobody   else   is   missing  —  what 
to  tell  ? 

13  o'clock  extra,  extra,  extra!!!!!!  —  Hon.  Emperor 
de  Chagrin  traced  5  miles  on  road  to  Chicago 
by  broken  kodaks.  Maybe  it  was  someone  else. 

By  lamplight  yesterday  I  attend  one  Hon. 
Lecture  at  Socialist  Hall. 

"Time  will  came,  and  soonly,"  say  Hon.  Lecture 
"when  working  man  of  America  will  got  everything 
he  want." 

"Will  he  got  a  foreign  title  for  self  &  family  ?" 
I  enquire  with  voice. 

For  them  question  I  was  rejected  for  being  a 
Japanese  Spy. 

And  yet  it  was  a  fairful  question  to  reply.  If 
Hon.  Workman  deserve  to  own  the  Trusts  he  also 
deserve  to  own  them  Dukes  &  Princes  what  Hon. 
Trusts  is  working  seriously  to  make  corner  for. 
If  Hon.  Farmer  of  rural  populus  can  have  I  auto 
mobile  and  his  Hon.  Wife  I  Pianola,  can  not  his 
Hon.  Daughter  set  on  porch  with  some  Italian 
Nobility  by  summer  evening  ?  Can  not  Petaluma 
Clarion  appear  each  weekly  with  following 
gossip  of  neighbouring  live-stock: 

"Bill  Brown's  daughter,  Countess  Rockheimer 
&  husband,  made  visit  to  the  farm  this  week. 
Welcome,  strangers! 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  235 

"Si  Perkins,  Marquis  of  Perkins  Corners,  was 
out  plowing  the  North  Acre  on  Saturday.  His 
Lordship  is  a  very  fine  hustle. 

"There  is  one  new  Duke  in  the  Snodgrass 
family.  It  's  a  boy  this  time. 

"Senator  Elkhorn  of  Coalopolis  are  absent  from 
town  on  trip  to  St.  Petersburg  for  visit  his  son-in- 
law  the  Czar  of  Russia.  Town  looks  pretty  dead 
without  the  genial  Senator!" 

No,  Mr.  Editor,  trouble  with  this  country  is  not 
too  many  Dukes,  but  too  less  of  them.  If  Ameri 
cans  seen  a  Duke  in  every  cigar-store  they  would 
not  name  cigars  after  him.  This  is  also  found 
amongst  lower  species.  Insects  is  arranged  care 
fully  in  glass  boxes  and  named  after  difficult 
Latin  poets  as  long  as  they  are  scarce  and  sly 
about  being  coaxed  by  collectors.  But  when  them 
same  Hon.  Insects  is  discovered  in  colonies  leading 
simple  life  among  potato  plants  they  are  generally 
regarded  to  be  Bugs.  Thus  I  transfer  it  from 
Japanese  poetry: 

If  Grasshop  Bugs  was  merely  scarce  to  see 
And  human  persons  was  not  used  to  its 

Remarkabilious  ways,  all-world  might  be 

Admiring  of  his   limbs  the  way  they   fits. 

But  Grasshop  Bugs  has  got  around  so  thick 
That  persons  sweep  them  up  in  pans  and  pails, 

And  Poets,  while  them  lovelus  Grasshops  kick, 
Are  somewheres  else  admiring  Nightingales! 


236  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

I  am  given  to  be  understood  that  Hon.  King 
Manuel  of  Portugal  are  looking  for  young  lady 
willing  to  be  queen.  Them  news  are  causing  very 
dangerous  heart-throb  in  family  circle  of  U.  S. 
Senate. 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  One  banzai  thought!  Several  months 
pass-by  ago  one  imperious  Japanese  Prince  make 
visit  to  America.  Since  he  return  to  Japan  there 
has  not  been  least  slightest  rumor  of  engagement 
to  him  of  Miss  Vanderhooley  of  Newport.  How 
he  escape  from  ?  This  is  one  other  evidence  of 
superior  Japanese  stratagem.  I  have  feeling  of 
boast!  H.T. 


XXVI 

THE   SERVANT  PROBLEMB 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  Sept.    nth. 

To  Editor  New  York    Newspaper    which    make 
very  tough  projectile  for  mind  to  chew. 

HON.  MR.  SIR  —  At  Asiatick  Delight  Japanese 
Employment  Bureau  where  I  am  found  mostly  al 
ways  pleading  for  jobs  with  price  $2,  kindness  loan 
of  Cousin  Nogi,  I  am  a  stand-up  in  line  yesterday 
with  other  43  Japanese  Schoolboys  which  was  also 
nervus  about  it.  S.  Muto,  Prop,  of  this  Hon. 
Bureau,  see  me  with  smile  of  riticule,  because 
he  do. 

"  Togo  you  are  residing  here  so  oftenly  you  might 
bring  trunk  and  sleep.  Why  so  jobless  all  time  ? 
When  I  give  you  delicious  something  to  do  it,  you 
are  back  by  return  carfare  for  more." 

"Your  jobs  is  all  perishable,  Hon.  Muto,"  I 
exaggerate.  "  They  will  not  keep  in  such  climate." 

"You  are  also  unkept,"  decompose  this  Muto. 
"You  are  a  wrong  Japanese  to  speek  such 
slamber  about  my  jobs.  You  are  a  Servant 
Problemb!" 

At  such  American  insult  I  feel  Samurai  instinct 


238  LETTERS  OF  A 

with  wrists.  My  interior  soul  make  kicking  per 
formance  of  jiu  jitsu  —  but  outside  my  moustache 
I  am  a  very  smiling  embassy  like  Hon.  Baron 
Takahira. 

"I  am  so  delight  to  hear!"  I  renig  for  sarcastick. 
"  I  am  aware  of  being  a  Yellow  Peril  —  to  be  also  a 
Servant  Problemb  are  considerable  distinguish. 
I  am  pretty  pride  about  myself  to  be  so  much 
altogether." 

"Why  so  you  no  stick  to  one  job  of  work 
and  thusly  gain  experience  by?"  he  denounce. 

" Because-so,"  I  report.  "Thank  you,  I  can 
gain  considerable  plenty  experience  by  losing  jobs. 
I  know  because  I  do." 

"It  are  person  like  you  that  make  Servant  Prob 
lemb  in  this  kingdom,"  collapse  Hon.  Muto  with 
peev. 

"If  I  are  such  fine  Servant  Problemb,"  I  say 
with  voice,  "why  you  no  get  me  one  job  doing  it  ? 
Maybe  some  sweet-hearted  American  wish  to 
hire  such  a  Problemb  for  $3  a  week  &  board  it. 
So  I  shall  willingly  go  there  with  valise." 

"  Have  you  got  some  good  references  of  recom 
mend  to  show  you  could  hold  situation  of  Servant 
Problemb  elsewheres  ?"  he  say  it. 

"Of  sure  I  have!"  I  degrade,  so  I  took  from  my 
inward  vest  following  recommend  of  my  intelli 
gence  which  I  wrote  myself: 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  239 

1  — Mrs.  C.  W.  O'Brien,  honourable  lady,  where 

I  do  table-wait  &  terrible  ordeel  from  fresh 
American  gentleman  who  say  "Jap  boy!" 
with  voice  so  I  am  very  sorry  when  hot  soup 
drown  him  at  collar  &  I  am  next  irritate  to 
race-riot  with  Whang  So,  China  boy  of  dogly 
face  determinate  there  by  hanging  him  by  the 
tail  of  his  head  to  hon.  doorknob.  Good-bye, 
Mrs. C.W. O'Brien!  Time  there  was  3  week. 

2  —  Hon.  Miss  Maizie  Jone,  young  lady  of  con 

siderable  antiquity  &  large  average  weight, 
promise  pay  me  loc  hr.  teach  her  bisickle 
ride.  I  teach  her  gently  by  up-hill;  but  by 
down-hill  teaching  become  deliciously  rapid 
because  of  nervousness  enjoyed  by  hon. 
machinery.  Japanese  Boy  is  earnest  to  stop 
it  &  can  not  do  until  Baker  Wagon  ensue  & 
leave  Hon.  Maizie  broken  among  machinery. 
I  am  Hospital  Corps  for  help;  but  Hon. 
Maizie  become  loudly  thankless.  Time  there 
was  J  hr  &  no  pay. 

3  —  Board  House  of  Mrs.  Van  Horn.  There  I 
am  guaranteed  for  experienced  window-wash. 
This  is  high  task  of  scrubbing  and  I  am 
serious  about  it  until  suds-bucket  overspill 
3  stories  to  top  of  Episcopal  Clergyman  who 
notice  it.  Hashimura  Togo  depart  with  fire- 
alarm.  Time  there  was  2  days,  1 5  minite. 


240  LETTERS  OF  A 

4  —  Golden  West  Garage  where  I  am  manicure 

for  automobiles.  "Are  you  acquainted  to 
do?  "say  Hon.  Boss.  "O  gladly!"  I  bereft. 
I  try,  but  Hon.  Gasolene  object  by  explosion. 
I  do  not  care  for  this  place.  Time  there 
was  6  minites. 

5  —  I   am  nurse-maiden   for  delighted   home  of 

Duglas  Willkins,  Sausalito.  I  am  request 
to  perambulate  Hon.  Godfrey,  which  is  a 
baby,  out  near  some  fresh  air  which  he  enjoy 
breathing  it.  There  I  meet  Wanda,  Japa 
nese  socialist,  who  discourse  with  me  about 
Private  Ownership.  While  this  important 
talk  is  doing  Hon.  Baby  get  himself  detached 
from  buggy-ride  by  one  method  or  another. 
I  am  conversing  too  much  to  notice  this  until 
Hon.  Mrs.  Willkins  approach  to  say  with 
hysterick,  "  Where  is  them  Baby  ? "  I  should 
like  to  answer.  By  search  for  it  I  discover 
Hon.  Baby  aslumbering  amongst  huckledock 
bush  by  road.  She  do  not  miss  me  at 
departure.  Time  there  was  3  days. 

Hon.  Sago  Sadoyama,  who  is  a  professor  of 
American  magazine-reading,  was  found  at  them 
Employment  Bureau  looking  for  it  also.  While 
awaiting  for  jobs  we  was  delighted  to  have  a 
discuss.  He  say  upwards  of  this: 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  241 

"I  read  in  populus  magazine  for  IDC  one  article 
of  title  'Why  Do  Servants  Leave  Good  Homes 
When  They  Are  Fired  ?'  I  ask  to  know." 

"Answer  to  this  is,  Because,"  I  snuggle. 

"Ah  no!"  say  this  Sago.  "It  are  because 
Declamation  of  Independence  make  them  quit  it." 

"How  thus?"  I  delay. 

"Because  so,"  say  Sago.  :<Them  Declamation 
pronounce  'All  persons  is  crated  free  &  equal.' 
That  are  nice  maxim  for  school-houses,  city  halls, 
grocery  stores  &  other  patriotick  edifices;  but  it 
ain't  no  good  maxim  for  put  over  kitchen  stove. 
Each  Household  Lady  what  require  to  keep  Hon. 
Cook  in  kitchen  must  keep  pretty  silent  about 
Hon.  Declamation  of  Independence,  or  Hon. 
Cook  might  get  suspicious  that  there  is  one. 

"Suppose  that  Hon.  Cook  should  see  such  a 
Declamation  while  she  was  setting  down  to  skin 
hon.  potatoes  for  lunching.  While  there  she  hear 
Hon.  Mrs.  from  parlour-room  play  tune  of 
'  Jolly  Widow '  in  key  of  piano.  Of  suddenly 
Hon.  Cook  drop  pair-knife  with  immediate  brain- 
thought. 

"'Sake  of!'  she  decry.  'If  all  persons  is  crated 
free  &  equal,  why  to  skin  potatoe  ?  No  person 
what  is  free  &  equal  ever  skin  a  potatoe.  There 
fore  not.' 

"Silence  from  kitchen,  then.     Pretty  soonly  it 


242  LETTERS  OF  A 

are  1.30  of  clock-time  and  Hon.  Mr.  Phillup  retire 
home  from  paint-works  enjoying  faintness. 

"'Hon.  Mrs.'  he  say-so  to  female  wife,  'where 
is  them  lunch  to  eat  it?' 

" '  I  will  seen  about,'  say  Hon.  Mrs.  from  piano 
play.  So  she  go  kitchen  expressing  angry  rage  by 
feet.  There  she  find  Hon.  Cook  wearing  Jolly 
Widow  headware  &  setting  on  valise  meaning 
good-bye. 

"Bertha,  kindly  please,  where  is  them  lunch 
to  cook  it  ?'  she  deserve. 

"'Can  not  do,  thank  you,'  deliver  that  Hon. 
Cook.  '  I  are  crated  free  &  equal.  Also  dam  gas- 
range  enjoy  large  leak.  Therefore  I  am  delight 
to  tell  you  farewell  because  I  am  a  decent  average 
girl.' 

"That  Bertha  then  depart  from  kitchen  taking 
part  of  it  with  her,"  say  Sago. 

"Servant  ladies  what  is  too  free  &  equal  is 
found  at  liberty  nearly  all-time,"  I  rebate  with 
Asiatick  salute. 

0ne  wise  Professor  which  is  mistaken  say 
"Trouble  of  these  United  State  is  that  servants  is 
no  good."  Such  childhood  to  say!  Trouble  of 
these  United  State  is  that  servants  is  too  good. 
Most  of  them  is  too  good  to  work  except  when 
drove  to  by  hungry  symptoms  of  esophagus. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  243 

Cooking  lady  are  too  good  for  sweep;  sweeping 
lady  are  too  good  for  window-wash;  window- 
wash  lady  are  too  good  for  scrub;  and  scrubbing 
lady  are  too  good  for  anything.  Frequently  at 
least  some  Hon.  Employer  when  he  hire  Hon. 
Servant  forget  how  good  them  person  is.  Then 
he  must  be  snub. 

"Are  you  a  drunkard  by  habit  ?"  enquire  Hon. 
Employer. 

"I  are,"  relapse  Hon.  Servant.     "Are  you  ?" 

"Are  you  careful  of  frugality,  industrious,  steady 
moral,  nice  sleep-hours,  early-rise  man?"  require 
that  Employer  for  nervus  shock. 

"I  are  not,"  reply  them  Servant.     "Are  you  ?" 

Hon.  Employer  now  enjoy  transom  of  angry 
rage. 

"You  must  be  unfitted  for  any  good  job  of  work 
to  do  it!"  he  corrode. 

"Of  sure  I  are,"  flotate  that  Hon.  Servant. 
"How  nicely  you  are  guessing  things!" 

Hon.  Employer  stand  gast  for  fluttering  brain. 

"You  know  who  I  are?"  require  Hon.  Servant. 

"  I  am  aware  at  last,"  say  Employer.  "  You  are 
Upton  Sincere  the  Boy  Novejler  attempting  to  give 
me  write-down  for  famous  novel  'The  Meatrop- 
olis,'  which  will  describe  iny  disgusting  wealth. 
You  are  fired  in  advance,"  say  Hon.  Employer 
escaping  to  hide  self  under  bed. 


244  LETTERS  OF  A 

In  Japan,  China,  Corea  &  other  happy  islands 
where  persons  has  sense  enough  to  be  entirely 
Heathens,  Servant  Problembs  is  not  there  because 
it  is  absent,  thank  you.  There,  when  Hon.  Ser 
vant  are  awaiting  on  you,  you  are  aware  of  it. 
Tea  is  served  by  crolling  on  seat  of  stummick  & 
bumping  with  forehead  to  announce  it  are  ready. 
If  Japanese  Servant  require  to  cease  job  he  are 
legally  require  to  ask  Hon.  Employer.  If  Hon. 
Employer  give  his  consent,  Hon.  Servant  are  legally 
require  to  do  hari-kiri  with  dull  knife  to  show 
how  grateful  he  feel. 

This  custom  make  Japanese  Servant  bashful 
about  asking  to  quit. 

Servants  is  exceptional  to  most  golden  rule,  I 
am  at  liberty  to  suppose.  Are  it  not  glory-bird  feel 
to  be  Independent  ?  Ain't  not  them  Indepen 
dence  a  grand  motion  for  hearts  what  makes  hero 
go  fife-drumming  to  blaze  of  fireworks  &  sley 
something  or  be  dead  about  it  ?  Hon.  Vergil  say 
in  Latin  class,  "How  nice  it  is  to  die  for  your 
Country!"  And  yet  so,  what  American  of  intelli 
gence  would  care  to  employ  one  Hero  to  do  ser- 
vanting  around  house  ?  Would  it  be  pleasant  to 
have  one  Cook  what  is  fond  of  sleying  something 
to  fife-drum  music?  Answer  is,  No!!  If  Hon. 
Butler  absorb  gin-wine  &  march  through  dining- 
room  with  purpose  to  die  for  his  Country  he  are 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  245 

immediately  discouraged  by  remark,  "Hush! 
Baby  is  asleep." 

When  a  patriot  are  Independent  he  are  called 
"glorious." 

When  a  Servant  are  Independent  he  are  called 
"undependable." 

Here  is  some  tuneless  poetry  about  a  domesti 
cated  cook: 

CONVERSATION  WITH  A  NEGLECTED  AMERICAN 

Alice    O'Rafferty,    Swedish    Servant, 

Tell  me  to  know, 

What  hast  you  forgotten  to  make  you  have  such  wild-hair 

expression  of  look  ? 
Hast  you  forgotten 

Childhood  home    &  don't-forget-me  blossom 
Of  dear  old  mother  neath 
Apple-tree   bud  ? 
Hast  you  forgotten 

Some  very  nice  love-song  of  early  springly  time 
By    shade   of  water-cress 
And  daffy-dills  sweetly  blend  ? 
I  require  answer,  please! 
"Ah  no,  I  ain't  forgot  them  things," 
Response  Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove, 
"But  I  hast  forgotten 
To  put  any  carrots 
In  Hon.  Soup." 
She  weep. 

Alice  O'Rafferty,   Swedish   Servant, 

What  volume  of  book 

Have  you  got  hid  under  wash-board  ? 


246  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

Are  it  some  technical  work 

On  heating  buns  ? 

Are  it  entitle, 

"How  to  construct  a  mince  pie  on  an  income  of  $1,000  a  year  ?" 

Are   it  entitle 

"Dainty  Dishes   for   Peevish   Palates"? 

I  ask  to  look. 

"Ah  no,"  response  that  estimate  female, 

"It  are  a  fairy-story  entitle  'Marriage  of  Wm.  Ashes/ 

By   Mrs.    Humpley   Ward." 

Sighs  from  her. 

"Life  of  cook  are  very  mean  and  sordy," 

She  say, 

And  splotter  tear-drop  on  Humpley  Ward  book. 

Alice  O'Rafferty,  Swedish   Servant, 

Tell  me  to  know  — 

But  hark! 

I  hear  something  burning  with  smudge! 

Maybe  it  are  a  house  afire, 

But  it  smell  remarkabilously  like 

Soda  biskits  what  has  ignited  therselves 

In  oven. 

Hoping  you  are  having  no  trouble  with  your 
Public  Servants,  I  am 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XXVII 

THE   FEETSTEPS   OF  SCIENCE 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  Sept.  24th. 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  who   I  include 
to  list  of  wireless  friends. 

DEAREST  SIR  —  One  thousands  of  year  pre 
vious  to  now  time-date  what  was  heard  in  America 
from  both  ends  ?  Howeling  of  savages  who  enjoyed 
it.  What  is  heard  by  to-day  time  ?  Considerable 
more  howeling,  thank  you;  but  it  is  being  did  over 
Columbus,  Mr.  Editor,  Hon.  New  York  Journal 
telephone.  Before  discovery  of  Manhattan  by 
was  embarrassed  for  awfully  little  quantities  of 
scientifick  interest  to  print.  By  present  time 
of  date  Hon.  Reporter  for  them  Journal  are 
heartsick  to  keep  100  years  ahead  of  feetsteps  of 
Science  for  Sunday  edition.  Such  is  vast  straddel 
of  Modern  Education.  If  all  them  Scientifick 
Fact  I  read  about  is  truthful,  then  this  world  of 
which  we  live  are  getting  along  too  fastly  to  be 
good-healthy.  If  it  keep  on  going  at  thus  rate 
some  day  Chicago  will  explode  &  be  oft'  map. 

Science,  Mr.  Editor,  am  a  very  benefital  thing 
when  took  in  moderate  doses.  It  keep  Profes- 

247 


248  LETTERS  OF  A 

SOTS  from  going  to  Congress,  it  make  murder-by- 
machinery  very  pleasant  and  give  Naval  Construc 
tion  Board  chanst  to  insult  itself.  Yet  do  Science 
of  such  quantity  compel  persons  to  be  more  hap 
pier  in  sweetheart  surroundings  of  home-life  ? 
Simple  candlelight  of  our  New  English  ansisters 
beampt  on  happy  glow-faces  of  dear  family 
gathered  at  table-cloth  to  eat  local  bean  off  cob. 
Do  Newport  Father  &  Mother  of  present  to-day 
felt  more  entranced  setting  below  100  horse-power 
chandelier  awaiting,  O  so  vainly,  for  their  female 
daughter  to  elope  with  some  Duke  of  foreign 
arrival  ?  To  disappointed  heart,  Mr.  Editor, 
Science  can't  do  nothing  despite  of  electrick  fans, 
all-night  elevator  and  5-day  Cunard  to  Liverpool. 
Electrick  fans  are  impossible  to  drive  away  Hon. 
Care,  all-night  elevator  can't  not  lift  a  sorry  man 
out  of  himself  and  it  ain't  no  use  to  go  Liverpool 
in  one  5~days  boat  if  Hon.  Trouble  have  got  there 
first. 

In  newspaper-press  I  see  about  one  Professor  of 
Oklahoma  University  which  discover  a  very  sur 
prised  Science.  He  have  found  how  to  do  it  to 
abolish  Old  Age  by  electricity.  Following  is 
recipe  to  do  it  at  home: 

i  —  Choose  one  ripe  old  man  enjoying  decline  of 
years. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  249 

2  —  Take  him  in  very  dark  room  and  soak  him 

24  hours  in  bath  of  sulphurick  acid. 

3  —  Rub  to  delicious  dryness,  simmer  him  over 

oil  stove   &  expose  to  sunstroke,  20  minutes. 

4  —  He  is  then  ready  to  abolish   by  electricity. 

Do  this  by  fastening  storage  battery  to  base 
of  brain  and  increasing  dose  till  105  centi- 
grades  is  enjoyed. 

5  —  Old  man  ought  to  be  pretty  active  by  this 

space  of  time.  If  not  he  is  too  spoiled.  Try 
another  one. 

I  am  excitable  about  this  recipe,  Mr.  Editor, 
because  I  got  one  Grandfather  residing  in 
Yeddo  who  is  now  97  old  and  will  not  keep  very 
longer  in  that  climbate.  If  I  arrive  back  to  dear 
Japan  before  he  pass  off  I  shall  do  friendship 
duty  to  abolish  Grandfather  by  electricity. 

In  newspaper  press  I  discover  about  Sir  Olive 
Lodge,  nearly  related  to  Senator  Lodge  from 
Boston.  Hon.  Sir  Lodge  say-how  that  disem- 
bowled  spirits  of  departed  dead-ones  is  frequently 
discovered  by  Science.  By  evening  time,  say 
Hon.  Sir  Lodge,  when  intelligent  person  is  setting 
alone  to  unrobe  by  bureau  he  must  be  sensitive 
about  knocking.  You  hear  bump-bump  on  high 
wall-paper  of  bedroom  ?  That  are  not  cause  by 
Hon.  Johnson,  boarder  upstairs,  dropping  shoes 


250  LETTERS  OF  A 

to  carpet.  My  nervus  sakes !  What  is  ?  Thump- 
thump!  It  is  wireless  Ghost  from  Away  Off 
trying  to  act  interesting. 

"What  require?"  you  must  ask  to  know  from 
Hon.  Ghost. 

"I  am  Napoleon  Bonaparte,"  say  Hon.  Ghost 
by  signal-practise.  "I  require  to  leave  message 
for  Cousin  Charley  at  Washington." 

"What  to  say  to  this  Hon.  Charley  ?"  you  dictate 
for  answer. 

"Don't  be  too  dam  fierce  about  Predatory 
Richness,"  say  Napoleon  Bonaparte  to  Charley 
Bonaparte.  "Remember  us  Corsican  family  got 
ours  by  tooking  it." 

He  is  going  to  say-so  some  more,  but  is 
shut  off  by  Central  for  them  profane  swear  he 
said  it. 

Hon.  Edison  say-so  he  is  going  to  make  one 
invention  of  Spiritualistick  Telephone  so  Ameri 
cans  can  talk  with  dead  persons  more  conveniently. 
This  will  be  nice  subjeck  to  improve.  By  present 
method  when  persons  wishes  to  correspond  with 
Ghosts,  etc.,  they  must  go  to  Medium  who  require 
5<DC  to  throw  herself  into  trances  and  connect  you 
with  wrong  parties.  But  when  them  Spiritualis 
tick  Telephones  is  invent  them  conversations 
with  graveyards  may  be  got  for  price  loc 
sum.  On  them  happy  time  Japanese  Boy  can  go 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  251 

to  any  telephone  booth  and  require  of  lady 
Operette. 

"Hello,  thank  you!  Give  me  to  telephone 
3604  Spiritland,  please!  Yes  sir!  Hello-it  —  is 
Hon.  Wm.  Shakespeare  residing  there  to  talk  ? 
Thank  you  again!  Is  them  you,  Mr.  Shakes 
peare  ?  One  question  to  reply  for  Japanese  Boy, 
please.  Who  wrote  them  trajick  of  Julius  Caesar  ? 
Hon.  Bernard  Shaw  ? -- No  ? -- He  improve  it, 
you  say?  Oh,  them  ain't  no  news!  Hon.  Shaw 
know  that  already.  One  more  reply,  please  — 
hello  —  get  from  off  the  wire,  please,  Mr. 
Thackeray  !- 

I  am  sincerely  to  hope  that  persons  will  get  more 
better  telephone  service  between  Here  and 
Hereafter  than  between  San  Francisco  and 
Oakland. 

An  eminent  surgery  of  Columbus  University 
have  invent  new  species  of  laughter-gas  call 
"electrick  sleep.''  Both  tooth  &  appendix  might 
be  pulled  by  this  Science,  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  tell 
me.  Hon.  Patience  will  be  in  bed  dreaming  of 
something  different  while  everything  is  removed. 
Electrick  shock  is  applied  to  loeb  of  brain  to  create 
calm  which  is  followed  by  whatever  knifing  is 
necessary  to  create  a  good-healthy.  Absent  treat 
ment  may  be  gave  by  connecting  victim  to  telegraf 
wire. 


252  LETTERS  OF  A 

Hon.  Prof.  Monsterburg  have  devise  one  crafty 
Machine  which  can  discover  prevaricus  Liars  by 
clock-work.  This  Hon.  Machine  are  called  a 
Ananiascope.  The  apperatux  is  glued  to  mouth 
of  one  poor  malefactor  what  is  telling  his  testi 
monial  to  Hon.  Judge.  While  that  poor  male 
factor  say  truth  Hon.  Machine  remain  very  polite 
about  it;  but  when  he  say  lie,  then  Hon.  Machine 
is  so  shocked  that  it  ring  one  alarm  clock  &  that 
poor  malefactor  enjoy  lock-away  in  jail.  Hon. 
Machine  have  not  yet  been  experimented  on 
mouths  of  rich  malefactors.  Some  says  it  will  be 
took  to  White  House  soonly.  Some  says  it  will 
not  be  necessary  there. 

One  machinery  of  name  called  "gyroscope" 
is  very  immediately  to  revolutionize  in  circles. 
This  wonderful  whirler  can  be  put  on  any  railroad 
train,  and  beholt!  with  immediate  quickness  them 
train  proceed  along  on  one  wheel.  Irish  gentle 
man  what  invent  that  gyroscope  promise  for  it  to 
do  everything.  It  will  abolish  all  crimes  of  rail 
road,  including  accidents,  collisions,  rebating, 
lobbying  &  Pullman  porters.  Hon.  Harriman 
will  be  very  fond  of  them  gyroscope  railroads^ 
because  they  will  be  run  on  one  rail.  Railroads 
with  i  rail  can  merely  be  fined  J  as  much  by  Inter 
state  Commerce  Commission. 

This  week,  Mr.  Editor,  them  mysterious  prob- 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  253 

lemb  of  Mechanical  Flight  have  been  solved  by 
Rons.  Bell,  Farman,  Wright,  Santos-Dumont  & 
Ben  F.  Tillman.  Lighter-than-air  baloons  is  no 
longer  consider  in  vogy.  Hotter-than-air  machines 
is  now  fashionable  for  flight.  Hon.  Bell  make 
sensationous  flight  of  8  seconds  and  travel  14  feet, 
breaking  New  Jersey  record  &  machine.  Hon. 
Tillman  stay  up  in  air  2  hours  14  minutes 
and  travel  from  Panama  Canal  to  Philippine 
Tariff,  landing  with  considerable  jar  on  the 
Administration.  This  break  Congressional 
record. 

Famous  Doctor  of  Switzerland  have  discry  sure 
cure  for  cancer  by  moonlight  ray.  If  this  do  not 
discourage  the  finest  cancer  in  10  lessons  it  can  be 
used  on  tuberculosis  with  equal  benefit  of  result. 
This  is  a  very  positive  remedy  which  have  only 
been  known  to  fail  in  cases  where  persons  has 
really  got  cancer. 

Mr.  Editor,  them  is  but  a  few  number  of  Scienti- 
fick  renovations  discover  by  me  in  this  morning 
press.  I  am  not  doubtful  that  I  could  found  a 
great  number  of  more  by  looking  in  more  yellow 
colour  of  news.  Science  advances,  Mr.  Sir, 
according  to  speed  of  paper  for  which  you  sub 
scribe  to. 

In  age  of  Wm.  Jennings  Bryan  there  was  one 


254  LETTERS  OF  A 

famous  Frenchman,  Hon.  Jules  Verne,  who  write 
polobrious  adventure-book  about  flying  to  moon  on 
cannon-ball,  tripping  from  New  York  to  Pekin 
by  subway  &  annexation  of  America  to  Africa 
by  floating  islands.  In  age  of  Roosevelt  Hon. 
Verne  is  consider  one  very  truthful  old  gentleman, 
but  too  slow  &  quiet  about  telling  facts.  Any 
Hon.  Reporter  on  newspaper  what  can  not  dis 
cover  more  exciting  scientifick  news  for  morning 
edition  would  be  suppressed  for  lack  of  talents  & 
put  to  writing  real-estate  forecasts  on  back  column. 
Time  of  Medieval  Superstition  are  pass-by,  Mr. 
Editor,  and  I  am  congratulate  on  it.  Christians 
is  very  skeptic  about  believing  that  Hon.  World 
are  schedule  to  come  to  end-up  because  of  sins. 
But  if  extra  edition  of  Morning  Bagpipe  should 
make  red-tipe  announcement: 

!!  WORLD  TIPPING  OVER!! 

SIR    ARTHUR    WALLOP,    NOTORIOUS    SCIENTIST    SAY,   "EARTH    IS 
OVERLOADED  ON  EAST  SIDE!" 

INHABITANTS  OF  CHINA  MUST  MOVE  BEFORE 
AWFUL  SPILL! 

If  I  seen  them  headlights  on  paper,  Mr.  Editor, 
I  would  enjoy  great  fright  and  spend  25c  to  get 
more  later  editions. 

Mr.   Editor,  I  did  not  noticed  your  signature 
among  them  97  rulers  of  America  mentioned  in 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY          255 

statistick   of  Hon.    La    Folette.     Maybe    I    sub 
scribe  to  wrong  paper. 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  Will  Mr.  Abruzzi  be  entitled  by  mar 
riage  to  seat  in  U.  S.  Senate  ?  I  am  confused  for 
reply.  H.  T. 


XXVIII 

THE   HON.  MARS 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  September  3oth. 

To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  who  make  me 
to   think   of  astronomical  subjecks. 

DEAREST  SIR  —  Considerable  scientists  has 
been  making  observations  of  Hon.  Planet  Mars 
by  very  recent  time;  so  I  have  also  been  doing 
so  by  use  of  opera-glasses  which  I  borrow  secret 
ively  from  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  Japanese  dentistry. 
For  time  of  several  nights  I  have  regarded  this 
Star  with  fixed  eye  for  long  moments  together,  but 
I  have  not  enjoyed  to  discover  them  famous  Canals 
because  I  not  could  see  them,  thank  you.  And 
yet  perhaps  this  was  no  fault  blame  of  Hon.  Mars, 
but  of  them  disgusting  Katsu  glasses  wrhat  are 
dimmed  all  over  and  enjoy  breakage  of  right 
eyelid.  This  must  make  very  wrong  astronomy. 

However  is,  I  am  excited  to  wrote  Popular 
Science  about  Hon.  Mars  because  any  intelligent 
person  can  do  so  after  turning  eye-glasses  to 
heaven. 

Is  Hon.  Mars  inhabited  by  people  ?  is  question 
for  Japanese  Boy.  Even  if-so  it  is,  why  should 

256 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  257 

Americans  become  excited  about  it  ?  We  know 
by  thoughtful  knowledge  that  nearly  all  places 
is  inhabited  by  something.  Are  we  not-so  familiar 
with  fact  that  Ireland  is  inhabited  ?  No  excite 
ment  about  that!  Does  we  not  know  exactly  that 
New  Jersey  is  inhabited  ?  No  excitement  about 
that,  except  on  Presidential  year!  Then  why 
should  Hon.  Mars  receive  all  this  free  advertise 
ment  ?  I  ask  to  know. 

American  scientist  say,  "In  near  adjoining 
future  we  shall  make  talk  with  them  Mars 
persons."  So  foolish  to  try!  We  are  acquain 
tanceship  with  too  many  people  already.  Then 
why  should  we  travel  by  telescopes  trying  to  make 
back-talk  with  stars  ?  Maybe  Americans  will 
be  peevishly  careful  about  associating  with  Mars 
persons  when  they  see  them.  Maybe  American 
labour  unions  will  send  letter  of  protest  to  Emperor 
of  Mars  about  allowing  them  disgusting  immi 
grants  all  over  California.  Maybe  coolie  gentle- 
mans  from  Mars  will  try  get  job  of  work  in  Van 
couver  cannery  and  enjoy  kick-out  by  race-riot. 
Oh!  such  delicious  laugh  for  all  Japanese  Boys!! 

No,  Mr.  Editor,  it  is  a  very  nervus  task  for 
these  U.  S.  to  encourage  foreign  relations  with 
stars,  planets,  islands  and  other  heathens  what 
they  do  not  know  nothing  about.  America  one 
time  did  open  up  Japan  in  them  careless  manner 


258  LETTERS  OF  A 

and  very  soonly  she  have  one  Yellow  Peril  on 
fingers.  By  same  operation  she  open  up  Philip 
pine  Islands  and  immediately  Hon.  Taft  become 
embarrassed  by  enormous  family  of  brown  com 
plexions.  If  Hon.  Roosevelt  is  appointed  Emperor 
of  America  once  more-time  would  it  be  con 
venient  to  send  Hon.  Taft  on  trip  to  Mars  to  make 
once  more  Manila  speech  about  "Our  Little 
Green  Brother?"  I  ask  no  reply 

No  human  person  have  yet  been  to  Mars  with 
exception  of  Hon.  H.  G.  Wells,  who  stops  at 
nothing.  So  he  write  freely  for  the  Magazines. 
He  go  to  Mars,  he  say,  with  letter  of  introduction 
to  Mayors,  Politicians,  etc.,  and  have  intimate  & 
confidential  chatter  with  them  inhabitants.  These 
Mars  persons,  say  Hon.  Wells,  lives  in  elaborate 
cities  what  closely  resembles  Coney  Island. 
They  are  very  swift  about  place-to-place  move 
ments  which  is  done  by  shooting  the  chutes.  By 
government  they  are  Socialistic  with  a  Pianola 
attachment.  Children  of  these  Mars  persons 
is  born  in  incubators  and  educated  by  Absent 
Treatment.  The  inhabitants  of  Mars  is  delight 
fully  different  from  the  inhabitants  of  Maine. 
The  inhabitants  of  Maine  talks  through  their 
noses  while  the  inhabitants  of  Mars  talks  through 
their  ears. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  259 

Mars,  say  Hon.  Wells,  is  so  circumscribed  by 
light-minded  atmosphere  that  persons  can  talk 
there  on  heaviest  subjecks  without  enjoying  pain. 
Persons  with  feathers  sprouting  from  them  in 
inexperienced  places  may  be  seen  in  baloons 
speaking  about  Tariff,  Aldrich  Currency  Bill, 
Ultimate  Destiny  of  College-bred  Womans  and 
other  topical  thoughts  what  can  be  dropped  in 
that  delicious  atmosphere  without  causing  sounds. 
This  planet  is  pretty  ideal.  Old  Age  has  also  been 
abolished  by  Congress. 

Mr.  Editor,  if  Mars  is  like  Hon.  Wells  say  it  is, 
somebody  should  be  punished  for  discovering  it. 

Some  other  Professors  has  wrote  for  magazines 
about  this  Hon.  Mars  in  very  statistical  language. 
Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  when  he  arrive  to  remove  me 
from  them  opera-glasses,  show  me  one  respectable 
magazine  full  of  alarming  portraits  of  Mars  with 
stripes  all  over  it.  He  say  they  was  took  by  Hon. 
Prof.  Lowell,  an  astronomy  who  went  to  Arizona. 

"Why  should  a  tame  Professor  go  to  Arizona  ?" 
I  require  with  suspicious  expression. 

"Hon.  Prof.  Lowell  go  to  Arizona  to  see  Hon. 
Mars,"  collapse  this  Sydney. 

"Do  Hon.  Mars  live  in  Arizona  ?"  I  deploy  for 
ignorance. 

"It  is  estimated  to  be  beyond  it,"  signify 
Sydney. 


260  LETTERS  OF  A 

"You  are  a  very  toothsome  dentistry,"  I  dally 
forth.  "Please,  then,  told  me  what  species  of 
Politics  is  enjoyed  by  this  Hon.  Mars  ?" 

"  Hon.  Mars  is  solidly  Republican  by  Politics," 
say  Sydney,  "because  I  am  aware." 

"What  make  you  so  aware?"  I  require  for 
curiosity. 

"Because-so  this,"  manifest  Sydney.  "Some 
distinct  Professor  say  in  Magazine,  'Mars  is 
considerably  cut  up  with  10,000  Panama  Canals!'  " 

"What  do  this  prove  about  Hon.  Republican 
Party?"  I  require. 

"It  prove  plenty,"  say  Sydney.  "Would 
Democratic  Administration  dig  10,000  Panama 
Canals  on  such  a  planet  ?  Would  Hon.  Henry 
Watterson  permit  such  a  great  shovel?  Ah,  no!! 
Republican  Party  is  blame  for  putting  all  them 
surgery  on  face  of  Mars!" 

"Them  10,000  Panama  Canals  must  took  several 
Presidential  terms  to  dig  it,"  I  say  for  philosophy. 

"  Third  terms  is  often  followed  by  more  of  it 
in  some  Solar  Systems,"  embark  this  Sydney  with 
J.  B.  Forker  expression. 

In  discussion  of  how  get  there  to  Mars  we  was 
considerable  discouraged  persons,  thank  you. 
Railroads  might  go  there  by  Government  Owner 
ship,  but  would  they  ?  Distance  from  U.  S.  to 
Hon.  Mars  is  a  very  extensive  row  of  arithmetic. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  261 

In  speaking  of  such  compendious  figures  it  is 
easy  to  drop  several  millions  of  miles  without 
feeling  bad  about  it. 

"Such  a  trip  is  too  expensive,"  said  Sydney. 
"If  one  Japanese  Boy  desiring  to  go  to  Mars 
should  travel  all  over  Earth  and  collect  $i  eech 
from  eech  man,  womans  &  children,  he  would 
not  yet  have  sufficient  money-pay  for  trip  to  Mars." 

"If  I  had  possession  of  such  ability  to  collect 
$i  apiece  from  all  mans,  womans  &  child  of  this 
Earth  I  would  not  be  particular  about  going  to 
Mars,"  I  renig  with  American  eye-wink. 

I  then  go  to  bed  for  brain-ache  full  of  astronomy. 

While  setting  at  my  bureau  to-night  I  drop 
inkstand  and  look  uply  at  midnight  sky,  but  I 
discover  its  absence  because  there  is  not  no 
window  in  the  frugality  of  my  bedroom.  So  I 
am  satisfied  to  read  one  newspaper-print  which 
is  published  on  Earth  each  evening.  I  read  about 
Hon.  Aldrich  Porous  Plaster  Finance,  some  useless 
information  about  Hon.  Terry  McGovern,  some 
intelligent  elopement  of  Bank  Presidents  and 
several  other  crimes  of  etiquette  with  portraiture 
on  front  page.  But  there  is  no  news  about  Hon. 
Mars.  So  I  am  supposing  that  nothing  happens 
there  frequently.  That  is  a  nice  fact  to  know 
about  Mars,  if  nothing  else  is  discovered.  It  is 


262  LETTERS  OF  A 

pleasant  for  Japanese  Boy  to  imagine  that  this 
planet  is  not  civilized  like  Hon.  Wells  and  other 
prophets  say-so  about  it.  It  is  sweet  to  thought 
that  none  of  them  machinery  like  sky-scrape, 
elevator,  hot-and-cold-water,  subway  &  gasolene 
is  inhabiting  that  Hon.  Star.  How  much  more 
dearer  would  it  be  for  Japanese  Boy  if  Hon. 
Mars  was  just  one  plain-finish  Planet  where  refined 
persons  could  go  after  death  to  set  inside  their 
souls  and  get  away  from  this  noisy  panick  of 
otto  mobiles! 

Therefore  I  got  a  poem  — 

r  WINKLE,  TWINKLT,  LITTLE  MARS 

Twinkle,  twinkly,  little  Mars, 

How  I  am  mistaken  to  understood  you! 

So  far  removal 

That  you  are  wholesomely  educative  to  Hashimura  Togo, 

If  nothing  else. 

Is  n't  there  not  something  about  Stars 

Similar  to  Ladies  ? 

I  bet  it  there  is! 

Sometime,  by  watchful  gloam-time 

Loving  gentlemen  sit  to  watch  for  come  of  Fiancee. 

He  look Ah! 

She  is  approaching  with  light  feetsteps. 

He  feel  so  exclamitory 

Then,  of  suddenly, 

When  she  is  so  near  as  to  be  more  accurately  inspect  by  eye, 

That  lover  seems  mistook; 

So  disjunctive! 

Alast! 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  263 

It  is  not  her  of  which  he  waited  — 

It  is  some  other  else 

Wearing  similar  ostrich  in  her  hat. 

She  is  maidenly,  but  elderly. 

That  lover  reverences  her  respectibility, 

But  he  is  considerable  quiet  about  it. 

"Good  evening,  Miss  Murphy,"  he  say, 

Then  make  fudge  exclamation  in  deep  breath 

And  depart  by  trolley-ride. 

Are  you  like  them  things  I  told,  Mr.  Mars  ? 

Are  you  more  suitable  for  astronomy 

Than  for  farming  ? 

Are  you  nice  for  telescopes, 

But  poor  land  for  potatoe-grow  ? 

I  enquire. 

Twinkle,  twinkly,  little  Mars, 

I  demand  you  this: 

Reply  with  some  intelligence  to  answer  about  yourself,  or  else 

I  am  suspicious. 

Can  you  guarantee  them  Canals 

To  be  entirely 

Antiseptic  ?     No  malaria,  no  mosquitos  ? 

Good  place  for  Japan-American  Annual  Picnic  ? 

If  you  have  not  got  no  Oceans, 

How  can  you  enjoy 

Naval  battles,  sea-illness,  whales 

And  all  summer  amusements  what  proper  persons  require  to 

be  good-healthy  ? 
If  I  should  go  to  there,  Mr.  Mars, 
Would  you  give  me  contract 
For  steady  job  ? 

Could  I  have  Sunday  off,  please  ?  — 
Or  don't  you  enjoy  them  holidays  ? 
Could  I  have  evening-time 
To  study  piano-play 


264  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

And  works  of  Darwin,  Huxley  &  Jack  London  ? 

Could  I  have  good  bright  room  with  steam-pipe  in  winter 

And  warm  bath-room  for  splunge  ? 

Oh!  Hon.  Mars,  I  require  to  know. 

Reply  to  me  in  vision  of  nightmare, 

Telegraf  in  dreams. 

Answer  before  10  o'clock  Wednesday 

Because  I  have  got  offer  to  work 

In  steam  laundry  of 

W.  G.  Sullivan,  Oakland. 

This,  Mr.  Editor,  is  a  fancy  poem  which  expects 
no  reply  because  it  is  too  literary.  Therefore  I 
will  accept  that  Sullivan  job.  It  is  more  easier 
to  go  to  Oakland  for  a  laundry  job  than  to  Mars 
for  a  Cabinet  Position. 

Hoping  you  are  enjoying  some  of  that  financial 
distrust, 

Yours   truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  Last  Friday  night  Japanese  Thinking 
Society  wished  very  much  that  you  was  there 
among  it.  They  indulged  a  debate  on  "What  is 
a  Superman?"  Cousin  Nogi  say  "Theodore 
Roosevelt."  I.  Anazuma  say  "Bernard  Shaw," 
but  Hashimura  Togo  say  "Arthur  Kickahajama 
is  it,  because  his  wife  is  happy  about  twins."  I 
was  made  a  prize  for  this  of  5oc  which  will  be 
Carnegie  medal  to  Mrs.  Kickahajama.  H.  T. 


XXIX 

STANDARD   OILING  ACROSS   PARTY  LINES 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  October  4th. 

Editor  New  York  Newspaper  which  ought  to  act 
kind  of  sweet  fcf  gentle  to  Prairie  Dog  Refined 
&f  Oily  Co.  of  Oklahoma  because  they  are  a 
Small  Dealer  and  has  a  Hard  Stroggle. 

HON.  MR. — "There  are  nothing  more  meaner 
and  sneeky  than  to  took  money  from  children, 
cripples  &  other  idiots,"  say  Arthur  Kickahajama 
yesterday  with  brite  smile  of  truth. 

"There  are  one  thing  more  meaner  &  sneeky," 
I  dib  for  Loo  Darkstutter  expression. 

"What  could  be  ?"  are  sharp  report  for  Arthur. 

"To  took  money  from  Standard  Oil  are  more 
meaner,"  I  say  it. 

"Can  not  Hon.  Standard  Oil  afford  to  lose  such 
money?"  corporate  Arthur. 

"Ah  yes,"  I  stupify,  "but  seldom  persons  can 
afford  to  accept  it." 

"  I  could  receive  such  a  gifts,"  say  Arthur. 

"  Hush  it,"  are  hiss  from  me;  "who  knows  what  ? 
Maybe  Hon.  Hearst  have  got  you  already  on 
sporty  page  beside  portrait  of  Jno.  D.  Rockefeller 

265 


266  LETTERS  OF  A 

at  sinful  age  of  13.     Maybe  you  are  already  poli- 

tickly  dead  and  buried  under  following  headline: 

HE  TOOK  IT!! 

PUSSITIVE    PROOF  THAT   ARTHUR 
T.    KICKAHAJAMA,    FOOLISH    MISSIONARY 
BOY,   RECEIVE    2C    STAMP   FROM 

OIL  TRUST!!" 

"O  please  excuse!"  say  Arthur  for  pale  chop. 
"I  have  not  yet  took  them  Standard  Oily  money 
have  I?" 

"Not  yet,  but  when  ?"  say  I  nervusly.  "You 
must  now  be  in  constant  state  of  collapse.  Any  mo 
ment  something  might  happen.  Each  hour  post- 
officer  might  make  door-ring  with  yellow  envelop. 

"  *  Why  I  get  this  envelop  ?'  you  require  of  post- 
officer  with  Japanese  puzzle  of  brain. 

"Perhaps  something  are  inside  of  it,'  snuggest 
Hon.  Carry-it. 

'What  would  be  inside  of  such  a  envelop?' 
you  ask  to  know. 

"From  experience  I  suspect  it  are  a  letter,' 
say  Hon.  Mailer. 

"You  rap  open  envelop  —  and  O  surely  so,  it 
are  a  letter!  It  begin  with  usual  form, 

"  *  MY  DEAR  SENATOR  —  I  enclose  a  tiny  check  for  house 
hold  expenses.     When  front  porch  needs  paint   &  carpenter 
telegraph  me  by  wire  &  don't  mention  it. 
"  'Your  obedient  master, 

"  'JOHN  D.  ARCHYBOLD.' 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  267 

"From  envelop  fall  a  slice  of  paper.  You 
pick  up  &  read  with  entirely  cross  eyes.  It  say 
$50,000." 

"What  I  do  then?"  muse  Arthur  with  moist 
lips. 

"If  you  are  a  decent  man  you  will  faint  slightly. 
But  it  are  no  use.  Already  you  are  a  ruined 
Japanese. 

"You  go  forthly  to  street-walk  revolved  to  lead 
a  better  life  &  brace  uply.  You  should  like  to  be 
honest.  How  useless!  With  quaker  feeling  of 
ankles  you  straggle  to  saloon  of  Hon.  Strunsky, 
Irish  patriot. 

" Please  Hon.  Mr./  you  sub,  'one  humbel 
job  for  poor  Japanese  who  can  still  mop  away 
beer  at  $.10  per  hourly  payment.' 

:'What  references  got,  please?'  dib  Hon. 
Strunsky. 

'You  become  entirely  tonsilitis  for  answer. 
Shameful  blushes  from  ears  &  eyebrows.  You 
gollup  £  your  breath  is  full  of  pants. 

4 'Speech  immediately!'  growly  them  famous 
bartend.  'Already  I  have  6  costomers  awaiting 
to  get  drunk.  Again  I  ask  to  know:  What  refer 
ences  you  got  ?' 

"I  got  here  letter  from  Jno.  D.  Archybold 
of  26  Broadway,'  you  reject  with  soul  full  of 
clams. 


268  LETTERS  OF  A 

"'What  say?'  dib  them  Strunsky  with 
N.  Y.  'Journal  noise.  'You  come  to  my 
clean  saloon  asking  for  i  position  of  publick 
trust  and  are  sneekretly  carrying  around  with 
you  a  letter  what  would  not  be  tolerated  in 
the  U.  S.  Senate  ?  You  would  be  noticeable 
even  in  Pennsylvania!' 

"And  with  them  remark  he  roll  you  over  beer- 
kag  by  family  entrance.  Night  approach  and  you 
are  alone  with  your  scratches." 

"And  what  next  ?"  require  Arthur  with  bumped 
imagination. 

"Ain't  no  next  for  you  and  Gov.  Haskle,"  are 
reproach  from  me. 

"Yet  a  singed  worm  will  twist,"  submit  Arthur. 
"Would  Gov.  Haskle  make  sweet-dog  smile  to 
Hon.  Roosevelt  when  he  are  enjoying  all  them 
delicious  scratches?" 

"Perhapsly  might,"  am  regard  I  make. 

"What-say  famous  saw-wisdom?"  require 
Arthur.  "It-say,  'Scratch  a  Russian  and  you 
strike  a  Tartar." 

"Scratch  a  Senator  and  you  strike  Oil,"  are 
smart  quotation  for  Japanese  Schoolboy. 

Hon.  Roosevelt  have  just  called  Hon.  Bryan  a 
Chimera.  That  were  a  very  mean  curse.  A 
Chimera,  Mr.  Editor,  are  a  horid  nature-fake 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  269 

discovered  in  a  vacant  lott  by  Baccus,  a  prominent 
Greek  drunkard.  This  queery  mammal  start  in 
to  resemble  a  goat,  but  he  lost  interest  in  the  sub- 
jeck  about  the  middle  of  his  body,  so  he  continue 
on  backwards  in  a  squimyform  appendix  to 
look  like  a  bow  constricktor.  The  goatly  part 
of  this  beast,  Mr.  Editor,  are  mild  and  fond 
of  common  people  and  he  love  to  nibble  vege 
tarian  diet  in  Utopia  where  he  live;  but  the 
rear  extension  of  that  Chimera  continue  to  point 
in  the  direction  of  Wall  Street  where  it  make 
wig-wag  signals  of  distress.  The  farm-yard 
part  of  them  Chimera  were  born  in  1896,  but 
the  wiggly  part  were  nailed  on  at  the  Denver 
Convention  this  year. 

Hon.  John  Burro  say  that  animals  do  not  think. 
The  Chimera  are  an  animal.  Hon.  Roosevelt 
agree  with  John  Burro  on  all  subjecks. 

Hon.  Hearst,  when  he  discover  Hon.  Haskle 
and  Hon.  Forker  in  act  of  Standard  Oiling, 
done  a  pretty  fine  servis  to  this  kingdom  of 
America.  When  I  think  of  all  that  good  he 
done  I  extend  my  hand  to  Hon.  Hearst  —  and 
then  apologize  to  my  Hand.  That  were  a  pretty 
nice  stab  which  Hon.  Hearst  made,  not  because 
he  hated  Haskle  less,  but  because  he  hated 
Bryan  more. 

S.  Wanda,   Japanese  Socialist,  say  that  Hon. 


270  LETTERS  OF  A 

Hearst  done  what  he  did  for  love  of  truth  &  justis. 
Hope  so  he  did !  But  when  Hon.  Hearst  do  things 
for  love  of  truth  &  justis  I  enjoy  suspicious  feeling 
of  elbow.  I  am  reminded  of  a  mustylogical  legend 
of  antique  Japan. 

Ten  thousand  entire  years  before  Hon.  Darwin 
discovered  monkeys  in  England  there  reside  in 
Kyoto  a  politician  name  Suki-ho  who  run  for  Su 
pervisor  on  Democratick  ticket  &  was  beat  by  a 
nother  politician  name  Yen- Yen.  When  this  result 
was  happened  Hon.  Suki-ho  enjoy  such  angry 
rages  he  turn  entirely  blue  &  blow  smoke  through 
ears.  Oftenly  he  motter,  "I  make  a  lay-to  for 
this  Yen-Yen." 

One  day  when  it  was  serious  heat  of  July  Hon. 
Suki-ho  meet  a  entirely  mad  dog  &  enjoy  being 
bit  on  ankle. 

"O  banzai  of  joy!"  decry  this  patient.  ''I 
soonly  shall  develop  a  rabbi.  Then  I  shall  bite 
my  dog  O-Fido  so  he  will  get  it." 

"Why  you  wish  bite  O-Fido  ?"  require  all  neigh 
bour  for  shocky  voice.  "You  got  grouches  for 
them  nice  pet  ?" 

"O-Fido  are  sweet  companion,"  arnicate  that 
Suki-ho,  "but  I  shall  deelight  to  see  him  bite  pet 
dog  of  Hon.  Yen- Yen  with  a  wild  germ." 

"You  got  gruj  for  them  lap-dog  of  Hon.  Yen-. 
Yen?"  they  ask  it. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  271 

"Not  by  no  means,"  erupt  Hon.  Suki-ho,  "but 
if  I  bite  O-Fido  &  O-Fido  bite  lap-dog  of  Yen- 
Yen,  then  lap-dog  will  bite  Yen- Yen  —  and  he 
are  the  sinful  crawfishing  malefactor  I  are  anxious 
to  get  equal  with/' 

Mr.  Editor,  they  was  not  no  Pastor  Institute  in 
them  days,  so  Hon.  Suki-ho  were  hit  in  skull  with 
pick-ax  before  he  could  snarl  at  O-Fido.  And  it 
were  too  bad,  because  Hon.  Yen- Yen's  dog  were 
a  pretty  predatory  canan. 

Mr.  Editor,  what-say  Hon.  Matt  Luther  in 
Germany  some  bye-gones  since  ?  He  say,  "  Be 
true  to  your  trust  and  you  will  get  reward  in 
Heaven."  Numberous  American  patriots  has  make 
hark-up  to  them  words  of  Hon.  Luther  &  been 
very  useful  to  both  Parties.  But  they  got  their 
rewards  in  several  kinds  of  elsewhere.  Hon. 
Haskle  was  true  to  his  trust  &  got  his  reward  in 
Oklahoma.  Hon.  Forker  was  true  to  his  trust  and 
got  his  reward  in  bank  deposits.  Both  are  good 
ways  to  know. 

Them  two  extinguished  statesmen  are  alike  to 
Matt  Luther  in  another  way.  Hon.  Luther 
enjoyed  a  Diet  of  Worms.  Hon.  Haskle  &  Hon. 
Forker  are  now  enjoying  a  Diet  of  Wormwood  and 
feeling  considerable  gall  about  it.  And  Hon. 


272  LETTERS  OF  A 

Roosevelt  are  having  more  fun  than  he  can  shake 
a  Stick  at. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

SPIRAL  SONG  OF  AMERICAN  CLAW-BIRD 

0  screaming! 

Last  night  when  it  was  entirely  p.  m.  by  larm  clock  (kindness 

loan  of  Cousin  Nogi) 
An  American  claw-bird 
Made  perching  on  my  dream 
And  skreech ! 

1  enjoy  a  very  swift  night-horse. 
I  dream  them  claw-bird 
Approach  to  me  with  yellow  envelope 
Of  deliciously  oiled  appearance. 

I  ope  it  for  rapture, 

Then  wisht  I  had  n't. 

For  inside  were  a  note  which  say 

"My  dear  Senator  — 

"Please  find  enclosed  check  for  $30,000  which  ain't  here  but 
are  on  deposit  in  second  pawnshop  around  corner.  Make 
eye-wink  signal  to  clerk  and  see  what  happen.  We 
received  that  pipe-line  you  sent  us  from  Washington. 
Awful  thanks.  Send  another. 

"Yours  for  business 
"Jno.  D.  Archybold. 

"S.  P.  —  Mr.  Hearst  have  already  got  a  copy  of  this  letter,  so 
you  can  destroy." 

I  read  them  dreamy  letter 
With  laughing   soul  — 
I  are  famous  already! 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  273 

How  proud  my  Ancestors  and  their  folks  will  be  to  know  that 
Hashimura  Togo,  ambitious  boy,  have  stole  $30,000  and 
done  so  honestly! 

I  put  on  derby, 

I  put  on  gum-slippers 

And  make  sneek-walk  to  second  pawnshop  around  corner  — 

But  alast! 

When  I  got  there  it  were  closed. 

I  knock-knock  — 

I  hear  noise  like  a  mystery  behind  door-knob, 

"Who  there?" 

"Friend  from  Oklahoma!"  I  dib  deceptively. 

When  low! 

Door  burst  outly 

And  earnest  gentleman 

With  expression  of  eternal  vigilance  committee 

And  Big  Club  by  brite  spektacles  and  teeth 

Rush  out  for  hit. 

"Haskle!"  say  he, 

"Rascal!"  say-me. 

"Then  you  are  him!"  say  angry  Vision  making  dents  in  my 

thoughtful  brain. 

"No,  I  are  another  Haskle,"  I  choke  off  — 
"I  are  Jim  Haskle, 
A  far  distant  cousin, 
Or  something  else." 
"Ha-ho!"    laugh    them    Vengeance, 
"Then  please  to  told  me — 

But  I  are  saved  such  humility 

By  being  kicked  out  of  bed 

By  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr., 

My   share-bunk. 

O  praise  to  Heaven, 

Praise  to  Ancestors, 


274  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

Praise  to  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr., 

I  have  rather  be  kicked 

Out  of  1,000  bunks 

By  a  Friendly  Foot 

Than  out  of  I  Democratick  Party 

By  a  Independence  Leg. 


XXX 

THE   HON.    BOMB 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  October  I4th. 
To  Editor    New  York  Newspaper,  who  is  there, 
I    suppose. 

DEAR  SIR — "Hon.  Russia  have  no  Constitu 
tion,"  say  Cousin  Nogi  from  newspaper.  "She 
require  to  get  one  with  considerable  quick." 

"Of  what  use  is  Hon.  Constitution  to  got  it?" 
I  enquire  for  answer. 

"  It  is  good  thing  to  follow  flags,"  dictate  Nogi 
who  presume  so. 

"Constitution  would  have  had  delicious  job 
following  Russian  flag  in  Manchuria,"  I  collapse 
with  Port  Arthur  eye-wink. 

"Hon.  Russia  expect  to  obtain  freedom  in  soon 
space  of  time,"  simplify  this  Nogi. 

"How  she  expects  to  got  them  freedom?" 
I  ask  to  know. 

"By  bombs   &  bombast,"  agitate  Nogi. 

"Do  Hon.  Bombs  get  freedom  for  persons?" 
I  exemplify. 

"Of  sure  it  do!"  say  Nogi.  "If  one  Revolu- 
tional  gentleman  make  step-up  to  me  with  hand- 


276  LETTERS  OF  A 

clasp  full  of  lit  bombs  and  decry,  'Give  me  free 
dom  for  Hon.  Russia  before  I  excite  this  dyna 
mite!*  what  I  reply  to  them  speek  ?  I  reply, 
'To  be  certainly,  Mr.  Murder.  Took  all  the  free 
dom  you  require  for  Hon.  Russia  and  do  not  worry 
about  returning  it.'  ' 

"You  are  ashamed!"  I  snub  for  scorn.  "Jap 
anese  samurai  should  not  enjoy  fear  of  ex 
plosions." 

"  I  ain't  not  afraid  of  explosions,"  he-say.  "  I 
am  merely  modest  about  loud  noises." 

Nogi  would  make  very  neat  Czar  for  Russia. 

Of  recently,  Mr.  Editor,  I  hear  one  Hon. 
Anarchist  speek  about  them  Revolution  which 
is  being  postponed  in  Russia.  This  gentleman  is 
very  courageous  with  whiskers  which  he  wear 
in  all  directions.  He  say  following  statistick 
about  Hon.  Bomb: 

"Something  are  wrong  about  them  Hon. 
Bombs  made  in  St.  Petersburg.  They  don't 
never  explode  when  requested  to  do  so.  Hon. 
Bombs  made  in  Japan  is  more  better  for  assassina 
tions,  because  they  is  very  faithful  about  going 
off."  This  from  Hon.  Anarchist. 

Them  truth  about  Hon.  Bombs,  Mr.  Editor,  is 
difference  between  all-every-thing  did  by  Russia 
&•  Japan.  Japanese  persons  make  war;  it  go 
off,  thank  you.  Russian  persons  make  war;  it 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  277 

sizzle  out  by  oratory.  Hon.  Bomb  of  Japan  is 
very  energetick  &  dutiful;  Hon.  Bomb  of  Russia 
is  full  of  free-love  policies,  vodka,  Gorky,  shoe- 
buttons  &  face-powder.  When  requested  to  go 
off  it  hesitate  with  insulting  splutters,  make  decep 
tive  pretence  of  going  to  sleep;  and  when,  of 
finally,  it  do  explode,  it  enjoy  that  eruption  in 
vest-pocket  of  Hon.  Nihilinsky,  who  is  waiting 
on  steps  of  Sts.  Peter  &  Paul  to  salute  Little 
Father. 

Russian  Revolution  is  entirely  like  that  way. 
Nothing  Russian  goes  off  on  time.  Even  their 
boots  is  difficult  to  remove  promptly  and  with  their 
hair  it  is  impossible  to  do  so.  Some  wise  Revolu- 
tionals  say,  "What  Russia  need  is  one  good 
program."  So  fudge  to  think!  Genius  of  Russia 
people  is  all-time  making  delicious  programs  which 
is  forgotten,  thank  you,  before  Hon.  Duma  gets 
a  chance  to  talk  about  something  else.  Russia 
has  greatest  statesmen  and  poorest  politicians  of 
all-world. 

When  Russian  Revolutional  leader  gets  took 
with  a  dream  he  say,  "Ah!  I  have  got  a  Program!" 
Immediate  sensation  enjoyed  among  Red  Wing 
of  Holy  Terror  Synod. 

"What  to  do  with?"  require  Hon.  Snortsky, 
Radical  Leader  from  Dynamitovitch  Province. 

"To  read  it,"  say  Hon.  Leader.     So  he  fold  out 


278  LETTERS  OF  A 

following    Program    which    he    read    with    con 
siderable  elocution: 

1  —  10.30  P.M.  to-night  Russian  people  will  meet 

at  Smithsky's  Vodka  Parlours  and  declare 
themselves  free  of  the  yoke  of  RamanofF. 

2  —  11.30  they  will  go  sneekretly  with  brass  band 

to  grocery  store  of  Samsky  Jonesoff  and 
sign  Declaration  of  Independence. 

3  —  12.30    they    will    stand    together    and    give 

pass-key  word  of  Revolution  "  Potempotemp- 
tomjinvery,"  which  will  be  sign  for  up-rise 
of  peasants  in   Baltick  Province. 
4 — 1-3°   tne7   wiU   g°   to   bed,    setting   infernal 
machines  for  8.29,  when  get-up  will  ensue. 

5  —  9.30  all  common  people  of  Russia  will  go  to 

Nevsky  Prospeckt,  where  Hon.  Czar  & 
bullet-proof  procession  will  make  pass-by 
going  to  Peace  Conference  at  Hague.  Hon. 
Czar,  wife  &  family,  Grand  Duke  Splurgius, 
Grand  Duchess  Nazimova  and  all  other 
persons  with  such  names  will  enjoy  blow-up 
with  infernal  machines. 

6  —  Russia     will    then     become     Constitutional 

Republic  k  with  plans  furnished  by  Bluejean 
V.  Debs. 

This  delicious  Program  are  given  to  Russian 
people  who,  with  fanatick  enthusiasm,  carry  it 
out  as  following: 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  279 

1  —  10.30  P.M.  enormous  number  of  Revolutionals 

meets  at  Smithsky's  Vodka  Parlours. 
Speeches,  vodka  &  debate.  All  infernal 
machines  cleaned  &  repaired.  Debate, 
vodka  &  speeches.  Famous  Liberal  Lead 
ers  made  welcome.  Vodka  &  debate.  Red 
Wing  of  Holy  Terror  do  some  very  serious 
politicks.  Vodka. 

2  —  1 1 .30  they  all  forget  to  go  to  grocery  store 

of  Samsky  JonesofF  where  Declaration  of 
Independence  is  waiting  to  be  signed. 

3  —  12.30  they  forget  how  to  pronounce  "Potem- 

potemptomjinvery,"   so  they  don't. 

4  —  1.30  they  forget  to  go  to  bed. 

5  —  9.30  they  forget  to   go  to  Nevsky  Prospeckt 

and  Czar  forgets  to  go  by  in  procession  to 
Hague. 

Sometime,  Mr.  Editor,  this  Program  are  one 
trifle  more  fortunate.  Sometime  12  or  13  of 
common  people  of  Russia  remember  to  go  to 
Nevsky  Prospeckt  at  9.30,  carrying  mottoes,  flags, 
infernal  machinery  &  other  patriotick  devices. 
Pretty  soonly  along  come  Little  Father  in  bomb 
proof  carriage. 

"Gen.  CreepoflF,"  he  say  to  Chief  of  Police, 
"what  are  all  them  tick-tock  sounds  I  hear  like 
busy  day  in  Waterbury  Watch  factory?" 


280  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Them,"  say  Gen.  Creepoff,  "are  infernal 
machinery  of  Russian  people  waiting  to  give 
your  Majesty  God-speed." 

"What  time  is  them  machinery  set  for?"  say 
Majesty  rubbing  pale  nerves  at  elbow. 

"For  9.30  A.  M.,  Hon.  Sire,"  say  Gen. 

"Drive  onwards,  Hon.  Coachman,"  say  Little 
Father  with  smiling  expression.  "Them  infernal 
machinery  will  not  go  off  before  1.30,  because 
every  clock  in  St.  Petersburg  is  4  hours  slow!" 

And  so  it  do  happen.  Them  patent  exploders 
lay  in  gutter  waiting  with  loud  clock-work  noise  till 
afternoon-time.  They  don't  see  no  aristocracy 
worth  blowing  up,  so  they  don't.  But  with 
immediate  promptness  at  1.30  P.  M.  all  them 
machine  make  smash-off  and  kill  parade  of  Cigar 
Makers'  Union  out  on  strike. 

Mr.  Editor,  one  gentleman  of  New  York,  of 
recently,  throw  bomb  to  Hon.  Police  who  after 
ward  pick  him  together  from  fence  &  trees.  He 
was  Nihilist  gentleman  who  was  practising. 
Bombs  is  more  noisy  than  pianos  when  practised 
on,  but  they  has  less  endurance.  When  Hon. 
Police  with  club  enquire  of  them  Hon.  Nihilist, 
"Why  did  you  done  them  explosion  with  Hon. 
Bomb?"  he  make  reply  for  answer,  "Because-so 
I  am  disagreeable  about  your  politicks." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  281 

Bombs  is  very  wrong  things  to  have  around 
when  you  are  disagreeable  about  anything.  I  ask 
to  know;  what  would  be  result  if  all  persons  done 
that  for  argument  ?  I  am  disagreeable  about 
W.  Furo  who  come  around  with  Italian  garlick 
in  his  voice.  Must  I  bomb  him  for  it  ?  I  am 
offended  by  Hon.  Strunsky,  Irish  gentleman 
who  keeps  saloon.  Shall  I  make  bang-up  of  him 
because  of?  Must  I  explode  all  labour  unions, 
Democrats,  Christians  and  troubles  of  life,  includ 
ing  Cousin  Nogi,  who  is  secretive  about  my 
refined  shirt  he  borrow  for  Sunday  next  ?  Ah  no! 
Dynamite  are  too  expensive  to  be  so  generous 
with. 

I  am  regretful,  Mr.  Editor,  to  see  them  foreign 
species  of  explosions  being  brought  over  to  this 
kingdom  of  America  where  murder  has  always 
been  very  simple  &  democratick.  It  are  nassu- 
ating  to  Japanese  Boy  to  see  them  Baltick  pro- 
poganders  dropping  deathly  fireworks  into  Union 
Square,  N.  Y.  It  is  one  sneeky  trick.  How 
much  more  honest  and  straight-fronted  are  it 
to  see  one  Southern  Congressman  shoot  negro 
vote  in  street-car  of  Washington!  Black  Handed 
Association  of  Italian  secret  knife-stick  are  very 
doggish  case  of  lowdown  deprave;  but  Night 
Riding  Association  of  American  lynchers  is  con 
sidered  very  necessary  band  of  patriotick  terrors. 


282  LETTERS  OF  A 

When  Black  Handers  shoot  Italian  banker  it  is 
call  "imported  crime;"  when  Night  Riders  shoot 
Southern  farmer  it  is  call  "American  custom." 
There  are  great  difference  between  them  acts, 

but  both  are  good  wavs  to  know. 

. 

There  is  some  philanthropists  what  goes  around 
Hon.  World  bombing  kings,  emperors,  etc., 
whenever  one  is  met. 

"Why  you  explode  them  kings  5c  emperors?" 
I  enquire  to  know  of  one  Hon.  Asassin  I  meet  at 
sidewalk. 

"  Because-so,"  say  Hon.  Asassin,  "by  sufficient 
bombing,  shoot-gun  &  poison  of  soup  I  expect 
to  rid  Hon.  World  of  its  entire  rulers." 

"Such  childhood  thought!"  I  decline.  "When 
you  kill  Hon.  Emperor,  what  happen  ?  There  is 
still  Hon.  President.  When  you  kill  Hon.  Presi 
dent,  how  yet  ?  There  is  still  Hon.  Sec.  of  State. 
Him  asassinated,  then  there  remain  House  of 
Representators,  which  might  be  blew  up,  but 
Governors  of  all  States  must  be  also  exploded,  to 
remove  rulers.  Then  which  ?  Then  there  is 
Mayors  of  towns  to  gunpowder,  then  political 
Boss  of  each  election  district.  When  them  is 
erupted  Hon.  Aldermans  must  enjoy  gunshot 
wound.  They  are  dead.  What  next  ?  Then 
city  hall  employees,  street  cleaning  department, 
board  of  healthful  &  all  clerks  of  city  treasury. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  283 

All  buried  with  funerals.  Oh  my!  We  have 
forgot  to  dynamite  Hon.  Police  Department.  That 
are  a  job  for  considerable  chemicals,  but  it  can 
be  done  by  patient  bombing.  Pretty  soonly 
nothing  of  Hon.  Police  but  smoke  &  occasional 
brass  buttons  as  souvenirs.  What  then  ?  Each 
grown  man  with  American  moustache  arise  to 
wife  and  say,  'I  am  ruler  of  this  homested!' 
Bang  for  him!  Pretty  good  job  of  explosion. 
After  this,  basso  voice  of  mans  is  very  hard  to 
hear.  No  gentlemans  left  in  Hon.  World  except 
small  collection  of  Hon.  Anarchists  which  is  all 
running  for  President  on  Independent  ticket." 

"And  what  must  ensue  then:''  a^grope  Hon. 
Anarchist  with  bomb. 

"Then,"  I  snuggest,  "country  must  select 
ruler.  Nothing  to  do  but  to  elect  one  Anarchist, 
which  do  not  believe  in  rulers.  Therefore  Anar 
chists  boom  bomb  to  each  other  till  all  are  minus 
by  decease." 

"Banzai!"  say  Anarchist.  "When  all  are 
thus  dead  there  will  be  nobody  remaining  to  be 
rulers!  Such  ideal  affairs!!" 

"Such  is  wrong  statistick,"  I  say.  "When 
men  is  all  dead,  then  will  be  fine  politicks  for 
SufFergettes." 

Hon.  Anarchist  hear  this  and  disjoint  himself 
with  groans.  When  person  sets  out  to  explode 


284  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

all  Rulers  in  this  Hon.  World  we  have  got  too 
large  Fourth  of  July  for  Powder  Trust  to  handle. 

Hoping  you  will  be  in  time  for  red  flag  before 
blow-off, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  I    know    it!     Last    night    by    street- 
corner  Anarchist  oratory  say-so  "soil  of  Russia  is 
wet  with  tear-drops  of  walked-over  peasantry." 
Maybe  that  is  trouble  with  Russian  bombs.  H.  T. 


XXXI 

ENJOYMENT  OF  HUNGER  AMONG  POOR  MANS 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  October  iSth. 
To  my  friendship  companion,  Editor  New  York 
newspaper^  which   is   a  very  warm  thing. 

DEAR  MR. — When  Hon.  Taft  make  Preseden- 
tial  Speech  to  idle  labouring  classes  in  N.  Y.  of 
recently,  one  Hungry  Man  in  audience  send  up 
following  question  to  know: 

"How  can  I  get  job  and  food  when  I  have  not 
got  it?" 

Hon.  Taft,  which  had  been  answering  with 
prompt  delivery  such  fearful  difficult  questions  like 
"  How  to  shut  up  the  Tariff  ? "  "  What  was  dying 
speech  of  Ralph  Waldo  Emerson  ?"  "Was  Hamlet 
insane?"  etc.,  make  moment  of  solum  hesitation 
before  large  simplicity  of  that  Hungry  Man 
question, 

"  How  can  I  get  job  &f  food  when  I  have  not 
got  it?" 

For  sixty-four  seconds  of  clock-time  he  pause 
wiping  dew-drop  from  neck,  then,  standing 
seriously  with  elbows  in  pockets,  he  make  following 
famous  reply, 

285 


286  LETTERS  OF  A 

"God  knows!" 

Mr.  Editor,  I  don't  not  believe  that  Hon.  Taft 
referred  that  reply  to  higher  authority  because  of 
ignorance  inside  of  brain.  Hon.  Taft  is  kind  & 
wise  Judge  of  considerable  practice  —  then  why 
he  not  able  to  answer  in  64  seconds  that  Question 
what  labouring  classes  have  been  enquiring  to 
know  in  North  Dakota,  South  Dakota,  Europe, 
Asia  &  Africa  for  64  centuries  ?  How  can  he  be 
very  nice  President  for  these  U.  S.  if  not  ? 

May  be-so  Hon.  Taft  will  give  some  serious 
brain-thought  to  this  problem  before  nomination- 
day.  If  he  is  too  busy  with  himself  to  do  it, 
Japanese  Boy  will  told  him  how  to  find  out.  Go, 
please  at  once  and  read  editorial-page  of  Hon. 
Hearst,  where  all  Great  Questions,  including 
marriage,  socialism,  underwear,  care  of  teeth, 
religion,  horse-racing,  etc.,  is  answered  to  delicious 
satisfaction  of  all  persons  who  read  nothing  else. 
Hon.  Taft  would  not  say  "God  only  knows!" 
after  such  instructive  course  of  reading. 

But  in  the  meanwhile,  what  have  happen  to 
that  Hungry  Man  ?  If  he  is  still  waiting  for  meal 
time  he  must  be  enjoying  considerable  Social 
Unrest,  because  Hunger  and  Social  Unrest  are 
very  affectionate  chumbs.  Hon.  Wilshire  have 
heard  of  this  Hungry  Man  question  "How  to 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  287 

get  food  when  not  got  it?"  and  Hon.  Wilshirc 
answer  with  considerable  speed,  "By  changing 
the  Existing  Order  of  Things."  That  is  very 
intelligible  reply,  but  I  ask  to  know:  Can  that 
Hungry  Man  wait  for  lunch  while  Hon.  Wilshire 
changes  Existing  Order  of  Things  ? 

There  is  considerable  conversation  to  be 
heard  about  changing  Existing  Order  of  Things. 
Maybe  so  it  can  be.  But  some  kind  gentleman 
what  would  change  Existing  Disorder  of  Things 
would  receive  more  solid  Japanese  Vote. 

I.  Anazuma,  Japanese  barber  of  Taft  enthu 
siasm,  deploy,  "Hungry  Man  can  enquire  of 
Chanty  for  it." 

I  make  considerable  banzai  with  laugh. 

"Faith,  Hope  &  Charity  is  celebrated  triplets 
for  sculptors  to  make,"  I  allude.  "Persons  must 
have  elaborate  amounts  of  Faith  &  Hope  to  obtain 
some  Charity  out  of  them  organizations  of  it." 

"  How  deserving  must  poor  be  to  obtain  groceries 
for  it  ?"  ask  this  Anazuma. 

So  I  tell  this  Japanese  barber  following  yarn- 
tale  of  charity  while  he  was  putting  hair-cut  on 
my  head : 

Hon.  Oscar  Casey,  dough-baker  for  wages, 
suddenly  become  unemployed  by  no  job.  He 
would  be  delighted  to  make  bread  somewhere,  but 
he  is  not  required  there,  thank  you.  So  he  soonly 


288  LETTERS  OF  A 

begin  enjoying  hunger  &  faint  symptoms  of 
esophagus.  He  make  street-walk  to  see  what. 
In  midst  of  promenading  he  observe  one  intensely 
beautiful  sky-scrape  palace  with  sign  on  it 

"ORGANIZED  MAGNATE  CHARITY  co." 

"Oh  ha!"  say  Hon.  Casey  for  blissful  ankles. 
"  I  will  apply  myself  to  this  charitable  place  and 
require  some  of  it." 

In  Italian  marble  hallway  Elevator  Man  meet 
him  to  enquire, 

"Name,  if  convenient!" 

"  I  am  name  Hon.  Oscar  Casey,  formerly  skillful 
at  dough-baking." 

"This  is  very  wrong  doorway  for  bakers," 
collapse  Elevator  Man.  "Apply  to  trademan 
entrance." 

So  down  to  trademan  entrance  this  Hon.  Casey 
go,  where  he  is  collided  by  Hon.  Janitor. 
D  "What    suffering    from?"    declaim    this    Hon. 

Janitor. 

"I    am    enjoying   hunger,"    signify   this    Hon. 

Casey. 

"What  degree  of  hunger  ?"  he  inquire  to  know. 

"Thirty-third  degree,  please,"  pacify  Casey 
who  is  sure  of  it. 

"Have  you  one  Doctor's  Certificate  to  prove 
such  a  conditional  appetite  ?"  decry  Hon.  Janitor. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  289 

"I  have  neglected  to  get!"  profess  this  Casey. 

"  Then  go  get ! "  say  Janitor.  "  Come  back  next 
Wednesday-noon  with  doctoring  Certificate  to 
prove  you  are  habitually  hungry;  also  deliver 
references  from  3  clubs  and  2  banks  to  prove  that 
you  are  financially  responsible." 

Saying-so  thus  Janitor  make  slam-door. 

Hon.  Casey  exist,  maybe,  on  Faith  &  Hope 
waiting  for  Charity  to  arrive  by  Wednesday- 
noon.  That  day  he  apply  again  to  Janitor  of 
Organized  Magnate  Charity. 

"Have  you  brung  them  certificate?"  demand 
that  stern  office. 

"No,  not  to  do,  because  I  feel  foolish  to,"  say 
Hon.  Casey. 

"If  you  feel  so  foolish,"  say  Hon.  Janitor, 
"apply  for  ade  to  Home  for  Feebly  Minded." 
So  to  Feebly  Minded  Residence  elope  that  hopeful 
Casey. 

"What  required,  please?"  say  lady  matron  of 
that  weak-thinking  place. 

"Something  to  eat  it!"  demand  Hon.  Casey. 
Matron  of  soft-memory  headquarters  look  very 
severe  with  face. 

"Why  did  you  not  require  at  Organized  Mag 
nate  Charity  Co.  for  it  ?" 

"I  done  so,  please,"  say  Casey. 


29o  LETTERS  OF  A 

"And  what  of?"  collapse  Hon.  Matron. 

"They  treat  me  like  dog!"  say  him. 

"Quite  well,"  deploy  Hon.  Madam.  "Then 
you  should  apply  to  Society  for  Prevention  of 
Cruelty  to  Animals  for  helping  aid." 

Hon.  Casey  limp  to  Animal  Cruelty  place,  but 
is  kept  outside  with  other  sickly  dogs  while  fash 
ionable  rnillinary  inside  listens  to  lecture  on 
"Crimes  of  Vivisection." 

What,  then,  can  Casey  do  for  luncheon  which 
is  becoming  impatient  ?  Where  he  go  to  obtain 
job  of  situation  ?  When  man  ask  for  work  in 
Pennsylvania  they  say,  "Go  to  California." 
When  he  inquire  for  employment  in  California 
they  decry,  "Go  to  Arizona."  When  he  report 
for  job  in  Arizona  they  proclaim,  "Go  to  Blazes!" 
But  by  this  time  he  no  can  do,  because  car-fare 
is  too  exhausted  to  continue  travelling. 

Hungry  Man  desiring  to  become  criminal  might 
burst  in  some  bank  —  but  what  would  he  find  if 
he  did  ? 

I  am  a  schoolfriend  of  Frank  the  Japanned 
Bootpolish,  who  is  a  very  thoughtful  caretaker 
for  shines  on  all  feet  with  no  extra  charge  for 
tan  &  Russian  leather.  His  name,  which  is  pro 
nounce  "Frank"  in  America-language,  is  called 
Kurumazitsu  Ubunodzuruma  in  Japanese-talk. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  291 

Nearly  every  u  in  this  name  is  pronounced  silently, 
please,  which  make  a  very  delicious  noise  for  all 
Japanese  to  hear.  But  America-mans  cannot 
neglect  business  to  finish  such  words:  therefore 
they  say  "Frank/'  which  is  good  short-order  name 
for  Christians  to  use. 

This  Frank,  who  is  studying  to  be  a  Anarchist, 
come  to  me  yesterday  to  use  my  room-rent. 

"One  million  mans  is  now  idly  looking  for 
work,"  he-say. 

"In  what  city?"  I  require  to  examine.  He  is 
hesitated  by  confusion. 

"  I  am  neglectful  to  enquiry,"  he  profess. 
"Maybe  it  was  in  New  York  or  Chicago.  It  is 
difficult  to  suspect  Syracuse  or  Toledo  of  so  much 
idle  population." 

"Figures  is  habitually  truthful,"  I  suffocate 
in  kind  voice.  "  Therefore  it  is  important  to 
discover  how  to  obtain  jobs  of  employment  for 
them  1,000,000  mans." 

"Some  150,000  of  them  persons  belongs  to 
idly  wealthy  classes,"  renig  this  Frank.  "It 
would  be  insulting  to  offer  them  jobs  of  employ 


ment/3 


"I  am  relieved  to  hear,"  I  report.  "It  is  our 
duty,  then,  to  find  work  for  merely  850,000  human 
persons  who  are  not  now  doing  so." 

"This  is  not  hardproblemb  for  2  bright  Japanese 


292  LETTERS  OF  A 

Boys    to    answer,"    promote    that    Hon.    Frank 
sharpening  pencil. 

So  with  immediate  quickness  we  find  employ 
ment  for  them  850,000  workers  by  following 
statistick: 

100,000  is  to  have  jobs  on  Police  Force  which  is 

never  sufficiently  enough. 
250,000  is  to  be  joined  to  Stand-up  Army  which 

Gen.  Hobson  requires  to   fight  Japan  or 

any  other  friendly  Power. 
75,000  to    be    kerosene-sprinkles     &    encourage 

mosquitos  to   race-suicide. 
100,000  to  be  Bill-collectors    &  take  fines  away 

from  Quelled  Corporations. 
50,000  circus-riders   to  join   Roosevelt's  Rough 

Officers'  Class. 


575,000  for  sum-total  who  we  have  got  jobs  for. 

That  leaved  275,000  still  looking  for  work  which 
Frank  refused  to  find  for  them  because  he  was 
enjoying  considerable  head-ache.  We  might  have 
did  some  kindness  of  act  for  them,  but  could  we  ? 
If  Hon.  Taft,  when  asked  "How  shall  able-body 
worker  get  it?"  must  reply  for  answer  "God 
knows!"  is  not  Japanese  Boys  excusable  for  for 
getting  a  few  thousand  ? 

Them  275,000  workers  might  do  digging  opera- 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  293 

dons  on  Panama  Canal,  but  would  they  ?  Climbate 
is  too  much  miasma  down  so  low  in  the  map. 
Hon.  Frank  the  Japanned  Bootpolish  say-how 
that  Hon.  Roosevelt  might  move  Panama  Canal 
to  New  Jersey  where  climbate  is  more  callabrious. 
This  is  a  very  brilliant  plan  for  Congress  to  ignore. 

If  them  million  mans  is  idly  unemployed  is  it 
fault  of  America  because?  Many  American 
patriots  who  says  these  U.  S.  have  very  wicked 
government  are  persons  which  comes  from  Baltic 
provinces  of  Russia  where  common  people  is  not 
wonderfully  successful  about  governing  therselves. 
Can  Pres.  Roosevelt  obtain  cheerful  advice  from 
them  persons  which  is  only  happy  when  enjoying 
misery  ? 

Yet  it  is  not  best-beautiful  thing  for  any  king 
dom  to  have  1,000,000  mans  idly  unemployed. 
Hon.  Chancellor  Day,  famous  Socialist,  say  it  is 
all  to  blame  of  Pres.  Roosevelt  who  done  it. 
Maybe  so  it  is.  In  great  Christian  country  like 
this  it  is  very  dangerous  experiment  to  preach  the 
law  "Thou  shalt  not  steal/*  Panick  of  fear  is 
apt  to  follow  with  general  shut-up  of  factories, 
trust  companies  &  other  religious  institutions. 

Hon.  Forker  say,  "This  kingdom  need  some 
new  President  what  will  restore  publick  Con 
fidence." 


294  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

Such    brightness    of  idea!     Let    us    have    get- 
together  and  elect  Hon.  Forker  so  that  all  publick 
Confidence  Men  can  be  restored  to  power! 
Hoping  you  will  be  one  of  them, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  If  you  have  got  anything  &  wish  to 
write  it  to  me  by  letter,  my  address  of  residence  is 
as  following:  , 

H.  Togo, 

Patriots  of  "Japan  Boarding  and  Lodging, 

Near  Water  Front 

Back  room  by  Kitchenette 

Care  Frank  the  "Japanned  Bootpolish.     San  Francisco. 

Sometime  I  am  not  to  at-home,  but  Frank, 
which  is  one  sweet  schoolfriend  to  me,  will  poke 
it  under  door  till  I  return  from  permanent  seek  for 
employment. 

H.  T. 


XXXII 

THE    ALCOHOLIC    TEMPERANCE  MOVEMENT 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  October  22d. 
To    Editor   of   New    York    Newspaper  which    is 
often    read   by    all   Japanese   who    can    afford 
it,  I  assure  you. 

DEAR  SIR  —  I  am  given  to  be  told  by  some 
wise  Editors,  etc.,  that  these  U.  S.  is  now  enjoying 
the  temperance  of  Prohibition  in  many  States  and 
more  too.  Although  I  can  not  notice  such  a 
movement  in  this  street,  perhaps  it  is  slightly  true. 
In  several  sections  of  this  kingdom  whisky- 
drunking  is  becoming  unknown  by  law,  salooners 
is  quitting  that  sinfulness  &  all  bar-keeps  is 
retiring  from  that  public  office.  In  South,  army 
of  reform  is  playing  "  Marching  Through  Georgia" 
on  water-pitchers.  Is  this  a  truthful  news  what 
I  hear?  I  enquire  to  know,  so  I  can  go  there, 

please. 

By  newspaper  print  I  read  this  early  morning: 
"Wave  of  temperance  against  salooners  is  creeping 
in  direction  of  New  York."  First  I  greet  this 
with  glad  banzai,  then  I  am  depressed  of  thought. 
Wave  of  temperate  prohibition  is  on  road  to  New 

295 


296  LETTERS  OF  A 

York,  but  will  it  arrive  there  ?  And  if  it  should 
do  this,  what  will  happen  to  it  when  got  there  ? 
That  is  problem  for  Japanese  Boy. 

And  yet  I  am  earnest  to  say  it.  Prohibition  of 
drunk  is  a  comfortable  blessing  to  demand, 
because  it  is  very  difficulty  for  white  persons  to 
be  tame  when  exposed  to  wild  beverages.  Irish, 
Swedish,  Italian  &  Jewish  is  most  useful  for 
calamities  by  feeding  them  whisky.  Japanese  is 
also  too  patriotic  when  enjoying  bun-bun. 

In  the  great  cities  of  America  where  persons 
is  brought  together  for  living  over  each  other  by 
sky-scrape  apartment  the  sell  of  whisky  spoil  the 
low  layers  of  society.  Labouring  classes  stop 
being  it  because  of  alcohol  poison  and  other 
ingredients  to  be  found  in  it.  Labourer  so 
poisoned  can  not  support  dear  wife  &  child 
because  he  is  resting  in  jail  for  what  he  done. 
This  is  especially  true  of  Chicago. 

Tip-top  layers  of  society  also  enjoy  poison  from 
this  liquour  curse,  but  they  are  less  pitiful  because 
they  do  not  rest  in  jail.  Salooners  must  not  be 
forsaken  by  wealthy  persons  because  these  can 
still  be  respected  when  least  respectable.  But 
salooners  must  be  closed  up  from  low  layers  of 
society  which  must  continue  to  work  and  keep  up 
appearances  of  great  city.  If  not  these,  who  would  ? 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  297 

Whisky  is  divided  into  four  kinds  of  bottle  by 
following  statistick: 

1.  Whisky    of   Scottish    descent    to    be    drunk 
standing  up. 

2.  Whisky  of  Irish  descent  to  be  drunk  setting 
down. 

3.  Whisky  of  American  nationality  to  be  took 

in  bed. 

4.  Whisky  of  patent  medical  origin  to  be  took 
before  death. 

None  of  these  beverages  must  be  taken 
without  family  physician.  Alcohol  do  most 
injury  to  cities.  In  country  districts  it  is  less 
harmful  because  there  is  more  room  for  it  to 
stampede. 

At  the  Sunday  school  of  which  I  am  a  member 
ship  to  learn  languages,  etc.,  we  there  have  Jap 
anese  Boy  Temperance  League  which  meet  every 
Tuesday  night  for  prohibition  conversation.  I 
attend  to  this  meeting  regularity,  because  free 
lemonade  of  delightful  sourness  is  furnished  free. 
Hon.  Miss  K.  N.  McGee,  Christian  lady  of  light 
weight  beauty,  come  there  to  teach  us  how  to  do 
so.  She  instruct  us  in  the  song-sing  melody, 
"Cold  Water  is  the  Drunk  for  Me,"  and  explain 
about  the  various  mocking  qualities  of  wine. 
When  she  say  "wine  is  mocker"  do  she  mean 


298  LETTERS  OF  A 

about  some  wine  which  is  imitation  of  some  other 
brand  ?  She  does  not  answer  to  reply. 

She  say,  "Mr.  Togo,  you  must  not  drunk  any 
drink  however  mild,  because  this  lead  to  stronger 
and  stronger  yet  till  gray  hairs  to  sorry  grave." 

"Do  water-drunking  lead  to  lemonade  drunk- 
ing  ?"  I  require. 

"Maybe  so  it  might,"  she  otter. 

"So  thus,  do  lemonade-drunking  result  for 
soda-water  thirsty?" 

"Perhaps    is,"    she    contradict. 

"Then  if,  do  soda-water  collapse  to  ginger-ale 
tonic?" 

"  I  signify  it." 

"And  this  then:  Might  Japanese  Boy  what 
is  raised  by  ginger-ale  crave  for  beer-drunking 
from  this  ?" 

"I  am  dangerous  to  reply,"  say  this  Hon.  Miss 
McGee. 

"So  sorry  to  hear!"  I  terminate.  "Because 
weak-drunk  lead  to  strong-drunk,  strong-drunk  to 
powerful-drunk  —  and  yet  you  say  it!  What 
for  you  teach  Japanese  Boy  'Cold  Water  is  the 
Drunk  for  Me'  ?  Water  lead  to  lemonade, 
lemonade  to  soda-water,  soda-water  to  ginger-ale, 
ginger-ale  to  beer-glass  —  sakes  of  living!  What 
to  do  with  this  thirsty  ?" 

"Togo,"    she   commute,   "you   are  too   foolish 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  299 

to  learn  what  of.  This  evening-time  when 
lemonade  is  pass  around  you  must  avoid  it  because 
too  tempting/' 

I  listen,  and  yet  I  will  not  do  so. 

The  reason  why  I  make  disagreeable  argument 
about  the  temperance  is  not  because  I  do  not 
believe  it  is  good  for  all  human  animals.  O  no! 
It  is  most  best  blessing  for  those  communities 
which  desire  to  be  cleanly  and  modern  plumbing. 
But  why  should  this  hon.  lady  be  so  Christian  in 
the  way  she  say  it  ?  Can  only  Christians  be 
prohibition  ?  What  about  heathens  like  I  am-so 
who  do  not  care  about  wine-sip  &  beer-gulp  ? 
Must  they  accompany  this  quietness  of  thirst 
with  song-sing  about  cold  water  ?  Answer  is, 
No!  Many  heathens  is  very  abstemperous 
of  stomach.  Many  Christians  is  not.  Many 
Christians  when  become  filled  up  with  alcohol 
feel  obliged  to  make  crimes  including  boastful 
talk  which  lead  to  murder  of  something.  Will 
driving  out  of  salooners  in  business  do  good  for 
those  bad  persons  ?  I  hope  to  be. 

To  enquire  about  what  will  happen  to  salooners 
when  drove  out  I  go  to  Hon.  Strunsky,  Irish 
gentleman  who  conduct  saloon. 

"Honourable  sir,"  I  magnify,  "if  the  legal  laws 
of  this  San  Francisco  become  prohibition,  so  sorry 


300  LETTERS  OF  A 

for  you!  What  would  you  do  with  this  saloon 
to  make  profitable  wealth  from  it  ?" 

"That  is  easy  to  reply,"  say  Hon.  Strunsky. 
"I  would  turn  it  into  a  drug  store." 

I  am  shuddering  when  I  think  of  that  deceptive 
man. 

I  have  obtained  a  slight  job  of  employment 
waiting  on  table-board  of  Fujiyama  Restaurant, 
H.  Sunigawa,  Prop.  This  profession  give  me  $2 
weekly  sum,  also  three  times  daily  to  eat  it. 
As  addition  to  money  sum  I  receive  $i  weekly  from 
my  cousin  Nogi  to  help  him  do  Japanese  spy 
work,  From  this  sum  of  $3  weekly  pay  I  expend 
it  away  as  following: 

Schoolbooks  which  I  can  not  borrow        .55 

Cigarettes  &  other  dissipated  joys .15 

Shoe-strings  &  neckties 20 

Contribution  to  church  when  necessary 05 

Car-fare  for  Japanese  ladies .45 

Poker-playing  &  music 26 


Total  of  this $1.66 

After  this  money  has  went  you  can  count  it, 
Mr.  Editor.  I  have  to  keep  $1.34  of  weekly  cash 
which  I  will  save  together  for  sufficient  boat-fare 
to  go  back  Japan.  Maybe  I  will  not  go  at  that 
time  —  if  so  I  will  do  something  else  and  get 
married. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  301 

Of  evening  time  I  am  frequent  to  attend  lectures 
where  I  learn  facts  of  intelligence  very  cheap. 
Last  night  I  go  to  speech  of  Dr.  O.  Sumuchi, 
Japanese  surgery,  on  subjeck  of  "Alcohol  Inside 
of  People."  Hon.  Dr.  Sumuchi  had  most  beauti 
ful  lecture  because  of  magic-lantern  showing 
human  stomach  under  surprised  conditions. 
Following  charts  was  showed  during  lecture: 

No.  I. —  Pink  of  colour.  Exposure  of  stomach 
during  calm  moments  before  alcohol  has  got  there. 

No.  2.  —  More  red  of  colour.  Exposure  of 
stomach  which  enjoys  happy,  smiling  expression 
because  alcohol  have  arrived. 

No.  3. —  Angry  mix  of  colour.  Exposure  of 
this  stomach  when  alcohol  have  remain  there 
too  long  for  polite  welcome.  Stomach  now  enjoy 
angry  rage  and  desire  to  quit. 

No.  4. —  Colour  of  Scottish  plaid.  Exposure 
of  stomach  when  alcohol  have  continue  to  do  so 
too  late.  I  am  sorry  for  this  stomach  because  it 
look  so  brilliant,  yet  feel  so  dull! 

Dr.  Sumuchi  say  so  about  that  stomach  when 
so  fanciful  from  decoration  of  aclohol.  He  say, 
"Such  stomach  is  so  satisfied  by  alcohol  it  will 
burn  up  by  striking  match  to  it." 

"Persons  enjoying  such  a  stomachs  must  avoid 
swallowing  matches,"  is  answer  of  Japanese 
Schoolboy. 


302  LETTERS  OF  A 

This  is  translation  from  Japanese  temperance 
legend : 

Some  time  back  in  astronomy  before  the 
world  got  a  very  good  start  and  homely  giants 
of  disgusting  profile  was  employing  timber-trees 
for  tooth-pick,  there  reside  in  high  top-mountain 
one  bad  Drink  Dragon.  Now  when  that  there 
Drink  Dragon  got  thirsted  he  was  a  very  serious 
snake,  thank  you.  When  them  giants  would  hear 
one  grand  roary-sound  from  mountain  they  would 
make  considerable  eye-wink  and  decry,  "Hon. 
Dragon  is  enjoying  trouble!" 

One  morning  by  daylight  this  great  Worm 
made  landslide  down  mountain  in  search  of  some 
thing  with  which  to  squelch  his  thirsty.  Soon 
again  he  come  to  Hon.  Ocean  and  snuggest, "  Good 
morning,  Mr.  Ocean,  I  have  came  to  drunk  you 

up,  please." 

Then  Ocean  laugh  considerable  joke.  "  This 
is  pretty  wrong  place  for  thirsty  Snake  to  come 
for  gobbly  rejoicing.  I  am  great  Prohibition 
Wave.  Nothing  to  do,  Hon.  Serpent!" 

Then  this  Drink  Dragon  throw  fire-engine 
sparks  from  his  gills  making  earthquake  and  he 
go  at  that  Hon.  Ocean  to  devour  it  up.  And 
Ocean,  with  cyclone  of  storms,  rise  up  on  back 
legs  to  meet  Hon.  Dragon.  One,  two!  they 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  303 

arrive  together!  Such  mixing  of  destruction, 
such  powerful  struggly!  Ocean  make  hiss  on  red- 
hot  steam-pipe  of  Dragon  and  this  Serpent  make 
hot  stew  of  Ocean.  O  great  jiu  jitsu!  First 
Snake  push  Ocean  to  moon,  then  Ocean  drag 
Dragon  to  North  Pole.  But  finally,  when  both 
is  tired  out,  Dragon  say,  "Excuse  it,  Mr.  Ocean, 
while  I  scratch  my  eyebrow."  And  while  Dragon 
was  doing  that  peaceful  act,  Hon.  Ocean  took 
mean  advantage  and  gollup  Dragon  to  deep- 
down  bottom.  But  he  was  not  dead.  Oh  no, 
thank  you,  Snakes  is  not  slewed  with  this  quick 
ness  of  speed.  Ninety-nine  thousand  years 
relapse  and  Dragon  swim  up,  one  day,  on  wave  of 
temperance.  And  this  time  he  is  called  Sea 
Serpent  and  is  permitted  to  remain,  please. 

Moral  for  this  tale  is  thus: 

Water-Wave  can  not  drowned  Drink  Dragon, 
but  it  can  cause  very  unhappy  feelings  for  that 
brutal  beast,  thank  you. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XXXIII 

THE    SALOON    IN    OUR   TOWN 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  October  28th. 
To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  who  offer  prize 
to   letter-writer    what    can    tell    storey  of    best 
Drunk  and  can  prove  it. 

HON.  DEAR  —  In  our  town  resides  many 
Saloons;  and  when  you  have  saw  them  all  you 
will  be  surprise  to  find  there  is  several  more  just 
around  corner.  Many  of  them  Saloons  can  be 
told  apart  by  looking  at  them.  Some  of  them 
is  paint  bright  &  goddy  colour  of  a  ottomobiles 
with  screeches  at  doors  where  they  are  red  & 
purpal.  Drunkerds  what  see  that  mad-coloured 
outside  must  go  inside  &  forget  it.  And  when 
they  are  inside  they  must  stay  there  long  time  for 
nervus  collapse.  When  they  are  inside  they 
can't  not  see  the  outside  —  and  in  such  a  state 
who  knows  what  ? 

Other  Saloons  is  managed  with  entire  plate- 
glass  and  completely  wooden  polish  all  over  it  to 
make  deceptive  resemblance  of  First  National 
Bank,  so  that  refined  drunkerds  can  go  there 
with  a  stock-broke  feeling.  Such  Saloons  require 

304 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  305 

a  paying  teller  to  do  barkeeping  and  be  pretty 
civilized,  thank  you.  Them  palaces  is  incom 
plete  if  they  ain't  got  over  Hon.  Bar  a  horbly 
artistick  oily-paint  pink  portrait  of  Mrs.  Venus  the 
way  she  looked  when  Hon.  Columbus  discovered 
her.  She  got  a  hansom  gilt  frame  around  her 
and  nothing  else.  All  them  portraits  cost  $10,000 
apiece,  because  Hon.  Barkeep  say  so. 

All  Saloons  has  got  a  phonograf  with  exception 
of  Hotels  which  has  a  okestra.  Americans  which 
wishes  to  become  drunk  in  silence  must  join  a 
Club.  Hon.  Strunsky,  Irish  salooner,  make  his 
phonograf  play  "I  Am  Long  about  My  Old 
Contucky  Home"  because  he  wish  to  serve 
sweetheart  influences  with  his  beer;  but  Hon. 
Sheehan  on  opp.  corner  make  his  phonograf  play 
"Happy  Widow  Waltz"  and  "We  Won't  Go 
Home  in  the  Darkness"  because  he-say  drunkerds 
often  gets  stingy  &  reforms  when  they  hears 
homesick  musick.  Hon.  Strunsky  say  they  drink 
to  drown  trouble,  Hon.  Sheehan  say  they  drink 
to  cause  it.  Both  are  good  ways  to  know. 

Tuesday  Hon.  Strunsky,  Irish  salooner,  give 
me  temporarial  job  of  work  to  help  persons  get 
drunk  by  doing  so.  I  am  now  not  there  as  usual. 
But  I  learn  how-do  while  I  was.  In  salooning 
whisky-drunk  are  applied  to  them  for  price 


3o6  LETTERS  OF  A 

$.10  and  beer-drunk  for  price  $.05  eech  goblet. 
Green  persons  unacquainted  with  salooning  have 
suppose  it  would  be  cheaper  for  drink  beer  at  $.05 
for  one  long  quench  when  whisky  cost  twict  as 
much  for  i  tinty  small  splatter  of.  But  such  is 
truthless.  One  (i)  small  jounce  from  whisky 
contain  2  or  3  times  more  vixen  as  a  grown-up 
gobble  full  of  beer.  Howeverly,  iced  drunkerds 
perfers  beer  because  of  pleased  trickle. 

I  are  not  permitted  to  sell  it  to  them  thirsts  at 
Strunsky  saloon,  because  I  are  not  sufficiently  intel 
ligent;  so  I  must  rubb  glaswares  &  mop  to  floor, 
also  become  attentive  to  Hon.  Phonograf  which  re 
quire  68  wind-up  with  squeek  about "  Old  Contucky 
Home"  which  please  G.  W.  McCann,  prominent 
Drunk,  till  he  weep  because  it  sound  human.  I  am 
seriously  worked  to  keep  this  job;  and  yet  I  am 
entirely  educational  about  all  intoxicants  when 
doing  so. 

"There  is  some  good  salooners  and  some 
bad,"  say  letter-writer  to  newspaper.  I  have 
sneeked  farly  &  wide  with  gum-slippers,  but  am 
disabled  to  find  such  a  bad  salooner.  Whenever 
I  speek  uply  to  a  salooner  for  question,  "Are 
you  such  a  bad  salooner?"  he  answer  for  reply, 
"Ah,  no!  I  are  an  entirely  good  kind." 

"Ain't  they  no  such  things  as  Bad  Salooners  ?" 
I  ask  Hon.  Strunsky  for  queery. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  307 

"They  are  some  such/'  he  say  for  chased 
expression,  "but  they  are  horbly  difficult  to 
discover." 

Hon.  Strunsky  are  a  very  nice  variety  of  Good 
Salooner.  He  acknowledj  it  himself.  G.  W. 
McCann  say  Hon.  Strunsky  have  a  heart  like  a 
watermelon.  I  noticed  it.  It  are  large,  but 
often  deliciously  iced.  He  are  a  sweet  &  liberal 
man  to  all  persons  what  got  sufficient  cash-money 
to  pay  for  it.  When  the  poor  calls  to  the  bar  of 
Strunsky  for  loan  of  money  he  seldom  turn  them 
off  with  empty  grouch.  The  safe  of  Hon.  Strunsky 
is  full  of  watches,  stuck-pins,  repaired  clothing, 
deed  of  house  &  lott,  and  other  hardware  what 
the  poor  has  left  as  security.  Them  sweet 
salooner  will  never  turn  deaf  eye  to  want  & 
misery  as  long  as  want  &  misery  will  leave  month's 
wages  at  Hon.  Bar.  A  kindy  man  are  Hon. 
Strunsky. 

This  benefacting  gentleman  believe  in  keeping 
his  saloon  clean  &  full  of  home  influences.  He 
don't  not  believe  in  no  rye-bald  scenes  of  debutch- 
ery  around  place.  So  when  a  coal-chuck  become 
entire  paralysis  there,  Hon.  Strunsky  remove 
remainder  of  wage  from  pockets  of  them  unforch- 
nate  man  &  he  are  nex  discovered  in  street. 
When  U.  S.  marine  sailor  enjoy  stab-cut  in  this 
Strunsky  home  his  remainder  are  dragged  quietly 


3o8  LETTERS  OF  A 

to  a  alley  full  of  shadows  so  he  will  not  die  all 
over  nice  saw-dust  floor. 

Last  Wednesday  while  Hon.  Strunsky  was 
elsewhere  talking  about  it  Hon.  G.  W.  McCann, 
prominent  drunkerd,  come-me  sneekretly  with 
Standard  Oil  expression  and  request  I  free  drink 
as  a  loving  gift. 

"Why  you  deserve  such  free  gift?"  is  question 
for  me. 

"I  are  a  large  tank-line  &  therefore  entitled 
to  occasional  rebates,"  he  betray. 

So  I  give  him  considerable  goblet  of  and  inter 
view  him  for  temperance  movement. 

"Why  do  men  drink  alcohol  ?"  are  first  question 
I  make. 

"  Because  they  can  not  eat  it,"  are  relapse  for 
him. 

"  Do  whisky-booz  do  harmful  injry  to  interior 
when  took  in  excess?"  I  repent. 

"Suppose  so,"  smack  he,  "59  successive 
tumblers  are  sufficient  for  a  strong  man." 

"Are  a  moderate  drunk  good  for  persons?" 
next  come  out. 

"O  sure  of!"  he  negotiate,  "I  can  feel  it  doing 


so." 


"It  are  no  true  joy  what  leave  a  dark  browny 
taste  in  morning,"  I  say  for  David  Star  Jordan 
expression. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  309 

"It  are  no  true  joy  in  the  morning,  but  it  are 
a  very  fine  imitation  of  it  the  night  before," 
commute  that  sinny  drunk. 

"Hon.  Horce,  famous  Roman  writer,  say-how 
whisky  make  poets  sing,"  is  arrival  for  me. 

"Suppose  he  are  right,"  say  Hon.  McCann. 
"I  have  often  enjoyed  singing  in  ears  by  early 
morning." 

I  make  note  of  this  phenomenal. 

"All  saloons  looks  alike  to  me,"  regret  Hon. 
Drunk. 

"So  sad  to  hear!"  I  rake  out.  "Saloons 
is  entirely  different  in  appearance.  Some  is  red, 
some  pink,  some  plate-glassed  by  door  to  look 
like  National-Bank  —  how  you  no  tell  differ- 

3» 

ence  r 

"We  cross  the  bar  at  different  places,"  he 
report,  "but  we  all  come  out  in  the  same  boat." 

"You  regret  downly  path  you  took?"  I  ask  it. 

"  I  got  no  regret,  thank  you,"  he  reject.  "With 
another  drink  I  could  beat  the  world." 

So  he  go  home  and  beat  his  wife,  as  usual. 

In  night-time  I  burst  soda-syfen  to  mirror  of 
Strunsky  saloon,  so  I  decide  to  be  a  temperance 
Japanese  &  resign  before  discovery  &  kick.  So 
I  go  back  to  my  bedstead  at  Patriots  of  Japan 
Board  &  Lodging  where  I  find  O-Fido  who  make 


3io  LETTERS  OF  A 

joy-signal  to  me  by  snubbed  tail.  He  are  merely 
a  doggly  pup  who  ain't  got  no  soul  to  skare  with 
Demon  Rums,  etc.  He  ain't  go  no  ambition  & 
are  fond  of  milk.  He  imagine  Hashimura  Togo 
are  Emperor  of  Japan,  I  suppose.  I  permit  him 
to  be  decieved. 

I  remove  off  my  shoes  for  comfert  &  took  down 
book  of  Rubbert  Burn,  famous  Scotch,  for  read  it. 
I  study  them  soft  musick  about  "Flow  gentle, 
sweet  Afton"  -and  then  I  think  how  people 
say-so  that  he  were  most  greatest  Poet  when  most 
drunk.  Maybe-so  he  were;  but  I  never  seen  no 
drunks  act  that  way  around  saloon  of  Hon. 
Strunsky. 

When  —  of  suddenly  —  come  rap-tap  at  door. 
And  inwards  arrive  Bunkio  Saguchi,  fly-away 
Japanese,  with  jaggly  expression  of  one  who  has. 

"I  wish  to  give  banzai  to  entire  human  race  to 
include  Nick,  Zar  of  Russia,  who  are  merely  a 
mistake,"  gollup  Bunkio.  "  I  wish  to  telegraf 
happy  greet  to  all  politicians  in  &  out  of  office  to 
include  Col.  Guffey,  who  — 

He  make  set-down  to  floor  because  he  think  it 
was  a  chair. 

"  You  are  in  a  toxic  condition,"  I  dib  frownly. 

"Many  persons  are  most  intelligent  when  so," 
he  motter. 

"  Many  persons  are  least  so,"  I  flap  back. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  311 

"General  Grant,  great  leader,  enjoyed  spells 
of  drunk,"  say  Bunkio  for  argument. 

"Alexander  the  Great  enjoyed  allepeptick  fits," 
I  smoke  up,  "yet  every  person  what  takes  a  s^asm 
cannot  conker  new  worlds." 

"Many  a  battles  has  been  won  by  gin-wine," 
rasp  that  jaggly  boy. 

"Battle  of  Mukden  were  not,"  I  dib.  "In 
them  battle  Japanese  was  full  of  banzai,  Russians 
was  full  of  vodka.  To-morrow  when  you  are 
calm  some  brite  Japanese  Schoolboy  will  told  you 
who  won  them  famous  target-practice." 

I  put  him  in  my  bedstead  &  tock  under  covers 
for  wet  towel  on  brow.  Soonly  he  enjoy  tear 
drop  of  eye  &  say  he  was  cris-crossed  in  love; 
then  he  make  good-night  for  eye-brows. 

Me  &  O-Fido  go  take  walk  &  forget  such 
scenery.  At  Oisoya  Hotel,  Pine  St.  near  Kerney, 
I  see  several  Japanese  Schoolboys  doing  a  con 
versation. 

"To-night  I  are  a  Aunty  Saloon  Leg,"  I  say-it 
by  virtuous  chest.  "But  to-morrow  I  may  feel 
better  &  enjoy  slight  beer  ceremony." 

"Would  America  be  more  better  without  no 
saloons  ?"  require  Uncle  Nichi  who  was  there. 

"Perhapsly,"  I  snuggest.  "Hon.  Rev.  Chill- 
worthy  say,  'If  there  was  no  Drunks  there 
would  n't  be  no  Murders.'  " 


312  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

"Occasional     Murders     makes     life     briter," 
reflact  Cousin  Nogi. 

"If  there  was  no  saloons  there  would  be  no 
crime,"  say  Arthur  Kickahajama. 

"There   would   also   be  no  fun,"   say  Sydney 
Katsu,  jr. 

"There  would  be  no  poverty,"  say  Frank  the 
Japanned  Boot-polish. 

"There  would  be  no  trusts,"  say  I.  Anazuma. 

"There  would   be  no   enthusiasm,"   say  Sago 
Jokai. 

"There   would    be    no    insane    asylums,"    say 
Albert    Sudekachi. 

"There  would  be  no  Poets,"  say  Hashimura 
Togo. 

If  the  saloon  must  go,  Mr.  Editor,  see  that  it  are 
put  away  in   some  convenient  place.     I   ask  it. 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO, 


"'O,  sweethearted  Mrs.  Madam,  I  enjoy  a  brainache  this 
morning,  thank  you  ' ' 


XXXIV 

ELECTION  DAY 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  November  ist. 
To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  who  have  been 
frequently  nominated  to  be  President  by  loving 
^Japanese  subscribers;  but  he  must  refuse 
such  jobs,  thank  you,  because  too  busy  with 
ink-pen  —  and  he  would  rather  write  than 
be  President. 

HON.  MR.  SIR  — Election  Day  are  now  within 
short  gasp  of  here  &  all  Japanese  Schoolboys 
of  my  acquaintanceship  are  running  back  and 
forthly.  Symptoms  of  tense  patriotism  for  them. 
I.  Anazuma,  Japanese  barber,  have  pasted  in 
window-pain  of  his  shave  store  2  portraits  of  fat 
&  famous  Americans.  On  one  portrait  he  have 
wrote  following  description  in  Japanese: 

HON.    WM.    JENNY    BRYAN 
He  Will  Deliver  the  Nation  out  of  Peril 

On  other  fat  portrait  he  have  wrote: 

HON.    WM.    H.   TAFT 
He  Will  Deliver  the  Goods  out  of  Kindness 

I  were  a-standing  by  sidewalk  making  eye- 
glances  at  them  2  sweet  portraits  &  choosing  which 


3H  LETTERS  OF  A 

to  vote  for  (if  Yellow  Peril  could  do  so,  thank  you) 
when  uply  come  Arthur  Kickahajama  with  sad- 
dogged  expression  of  dizzy  heart. 

"Hashimura  Togo,"  he  unpack,  "why  you  gaz 
at  them  2  Presidents  with  rapture  of  ears  ?" 

"Soon  one  will  be  elected,"  I  apply,  "  &  then 
troubles  of  this  Kingdom  will  be  all  over." 

"Over  !  !"  dib  Arthur  Kickahajama  for  shreech. 
"Over!  !  !"  He  make  thrills  of  knuckles  which 
are  sure  symbol  of  allepeptick  fits. 

Then  he  drag  from  interior  pocket  of  coat  some 
rippings  from  newspaper-press  which  he  read  me 
with  hearse  voice.  From  Daily  Hoot,  violently 
conservative  Republican  paper,  he  read  as 
following: 

"  'If  Bryan  are  elected  ruin  will  be  enjoyed  everywheres. 
Heaven  are  expected  to  fall  any  minute.  Corn  will  refuse  to 
grow  in  Kansas  &  National  Guard  will  be  called  out  to  make 
it  do  so.  In  South  niggers  will  be  darker  &  more  lynched. 
Hens  will  neglect  to  surrender  their  eggs.  America  will  be 
considerably  cursed.  Election  of  Hon.  Bryan  'should  be  cause 
of  great  national  funeral.'  ' 

"  So  glad  to  hear  this  in  time,"  I  riggle.  "  There 
fore  I  shall  vote  for  Hon.  Taft  if  I  could." 

Arthur  for  glum  read  following  editorial  from 
Daily  Riot,  seriously  Democratick  hand-organ: 

"  'If  Taft  are  elected  America  will  quit.  Common  People 
will  be  scrunched  by  drowntroddery.  Truth  will  also  receive 
hourly  chops  by  ax.  Kings  will  appear  everywheres  riding  in 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  315 

automobiles.  Daily  excursions  to  Siberia  will  be  enjoyed  by 
masses.  Groans.  Right  of  free  speeches  will  be  denied  to 
Henry  Watterson  &  bloodshed  must  therefore  ensue.  Patriots 
will  grunt  with  deranged  hair.  Election  of  Hon.  Taft  should 
be  cause  of  great  national  mourning.'  ' 

"So  sad!"  say  Arthur,  "America  must  therefore 
go  to  complete  doggly  smitthrine  on  date  of 
Nov.  3." 

"Are  they  no  way  to  escape  this  ?"  I  alarm  with 
face. 

"Only  one,"  commute  Arthur.  "Perhapsly 
Bluejean  V.  Debs  might  be  elected  by  mistake." 

Mr.  Editor,  I  go  way  from  Arthur  full  of  damp 
thoughts  about  Election  Day.  I  go  to  grassy  yard 
of  Mrs.  Lusy  Macdonald,  286  pounds  complete 
gentleness,  and  there  I  work  my  job  assisting 
shrubbage  to  grow  for  $  i  .25  weekly  payment.  My 
dog  O-Fido  company  me  there  &  are  entirely  use 
less,  as  usual.  While  I  are  to  work  soothing  her 
lawn  with  rakes  I  are  continually  thinking  for 
selfish  brain:  "If  I  merely  had  I  day  lie-off  from 
work  I  might  do  something  to  save  America."  So 
I  wish  I  could  &  O-Fido  agree  with  snubbed  tail. 

Soonly  come  Mrs.  Lusy  Macdonald  in  dainty 
pink  rapper  which  look  like  3  queens.  Angelick 
expressions  for  her. 

"Togo,"  she  say-it,  "have  you  got  a  ill  to  look 
so  languish  ?" 


316  LETTERS  OF  A 

"O!  sweethearted  Mrs.  Madam,  I  enjoy  a  brain- 
ache  this  morning,  thank  you,"  are  complain  from 
me.  "Could  I  not  obtain  a  lie-off  from  Work, 
thanks  so  much,  please?" 

"Why  so  you  require  such  a  lie-off?"  are  burst 
from  her. 

"With  sufficient  leisure  I  might  save  America," 
I  mention. 

"Such  worthy  thought!"  she  relish.  "Therefore 
you  are  permitted  I  day  lie-off  from  rakish  labours 
on  lawn." 

I  make  back-away  with  humbel  bows.  O-Fido 
do  somewhat  simlar.  When  we  arrive  to  gate 
post  Mrs.  Lusy  Macdonald  exclaim  for  sweetness* 

"How  you  shall  spent  this  day  of  idle  enjoy 
ment,  please  ?" 

"I  shall  spent  it  in  worrying  about  the  ruin  of 
America  which  should  occur  on  Nov.  3,"  are  fuss 
I  make  &  do  a  vanish.  O-Fido  do  same  way. 

So  I  go  to  street  corner  &  set  on  water-plog  to 
enjoy  sorrow  without  interrupt.  O-Fido  devote 
time  smelling  rats  which  is  not  there  under 
pavement. 

Near  off  by  lamp-post  I  see  several  carpenter- 
mans  at  work  in  middle  of  street  a-building  i  tiny 
house  of  delicious  sheet-iron.  It  were  a  awful 
temporary-looking  struxure  of  6  x  10  architexure. 

Pretty  soonly  long  come  one  Hon.     Police,  by 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  317 

name  Paul  Smutz,  who  get  my  affection  by  arrest 
of  Bunkio  Saguchi  for  gin-drunk.  I  are  a  proud 
acquaintanceship  to  this  hero. 

"Such  oddy  house!"  I  say-it  with  points  to  place 
what  them  carpenter-mans  was  a-building. 
"What  you  call  such  a  cabin  in  American 
language  ?" 

"That  house,"  say  Hon.  Police,  "are  called  a 
Pole." 

"It  do  not  look  like  a  Pole  in  appearance," 
I  otter.  "To  Japanese  Schoolboy  it  look  more 
like  a  penitentiary  for  white  rabbits." 

"So  wicked  thought!"  say  Hon.  Police  with 
buttons.  "That  tiny  house  to  which  you  now 
look  at  are  Palladium  of  American  Liberty." 

"What  do  Americans  do  in  such  a  Palladium  ?" 
are  next  question  for  me. 

"They  votes  for  Presidents,"  ollicute  Hon. 
Smutz  with  helmet. 

"So  happy!"  I  say-it.  "In  them  tiny  doll- 
cabins  Presidents  is  manufactured  by  ballet-box 
every  4  years!  Were  Pres.  Roosevelt  made  in  a 
little  tin  cottage  like  that  ?" 

"Absolutely  similar,"  snuggest  that  coply  man. 

"I  are  surprised  he  did  not  burst  it!"  are  nota 
tion  for  me. 

Silences  by  Hon.  Police.  Waggish  signals  by 
O-Fido. 


3i8  LETTERS  OF  A 

"How  could  Hon.  Taft  be  accommodated  in 
such  a  toy  temple  ?"  are  intelligent  query  I  make. 

"Fat  candidates  gets  slim  votes  in  some 
districts,"  complain  he. 

"What  makes  Americans  more  freer  than  any 
other  kingdom?"  I  ask-it  because  Hon.  Smutz 
are  not  yet  savage. 

"Americans  is  more  freer  because  they  are 
permitted  to  vote,"  compute  them  official. 

"So  happy  Americans!"  I  snagger.  "How 
free  they  should  all  feel  going  to  Pole  on  Nov.  3 
eech  with  a  ballet  in  his  hand  to  vote  it!" 

"They  should,  but  do  they?"  revoke  he  with 
club.  "Many  Americans  make  long  journeys 
on  Election  Day  to  escape  that  Palladium  of 
Liberty." 

"Could  they  feel  free  without  that  sweet 
privelage?"  I  require. 

"They  feel  most  free  when  they  forget  it,"  he 
dub,  "  I  prove  this  by  following  tabloid  statistick: 

"  I  —  Out  of  eech  3  Americans  only  i  Registers. 
"2  —  Out  of  eech  3  who  Registers  only  i  Votes 
"3  —  Out  of  eech  3  who  Votes  only  I  cares  who 
is  Elected." 

"How  shocky!"  I  gasp.  "By  such  sinful 
statistick  America  must  be  going  to  doggly  bow 
wow!"  (Howels  from  O-Fido.) 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  319 

"Can  not  some  patriots  do  something  to  make 
more  votes  for  Election  Day?"  are  next  queery  I 
ask. 

"Many  of  them  do,"  say  he.  "Many  persons 
votes  5  or  6  times  eech  election  to  make  fatter 
ballet-box." 

"Such  noble  patriots  should  receive  at  least  I 
Carnegie  meddle,"  I  lapse. 

"They  should,  but  do  they  ?"  are  repose  he  say. 
'  There  will  be  much  gladness  of  rejoicing  shot 
off  in  this  Hon.  City  for  Election  Night,"  he  add 
for  information. 

"  I  read  by  newspaper  this  morning  how  Election 
of  either  Candidates  would  be  cause  for  great 
national  mourning,"  I  reckon. 

"You  read  the  wrong  paper,"  say  Hon.  Smutz. 
"When  announcement  of  new  President  are  made 
entire  lid  will  be  removed  from  America  &  4th  of 
July  will  shoot  through.  What  patriots  are  not 
already  in  saloons  will  be  tied  together  in  magni 
ficent  blockade  on  streets  mixed  with  brass  bands, 
tin-horning,  full  dinner-pails,  Glad-It  's-Over 
Marching  Clubs,  automobile  axidents  &  other 
demonstrations  of  peaceful  banzai.  Musick- 
waggons  will  ocasionally  sonter  by  with  all  office- 
seekers  trying  to  get  on  at  once.  Maddy  yalls 
from  crowd  when  eech  newspaper  bulletin-board 
announce  that  another  doubtful  State  has  gone 


320  LETTERS  OF  A 

Republickan,  as  usual.  Rockets.  Occasional 
fights  to  make  everybody  completely  cheerful. 
Fire-engines  go  by  to  some  joyful  blaze.  Tele 
grams  arrive.  Romp-girls  dance  along  with  tickle 
feathers.  Then  OH  Portrait  of  Future  President 
are  flashy  to  screen.  Bells  go  off  confused  by 
whissles  &  drumcore  exploded  by  throats  of 
1,000,000  yalling  Americans'"' 

"And  what  next?"  I  enquire  patiently. 

"Following  this,"  say  Hon.  Paul  Smutz,  heroic 
Police,  "following  this  are  complete  silence  for 
4  years." 

And  he  depart  off  to  catch  an  excessive  auto 
mobile  what  done  a  crime. 

Mr.  Editor,  it  will  require  more  than  explosions 
to  awake  Hon.  Washington  from  sweet  sleep 
which  will  go  on  for  next  4  years.  When  Asso 
ciated  Press  hears  slight  shock  along  Patomac  it 
will  not  be  sounds  of  unrest  —  it  will  be  merely 
snores  from  happy  Congressmen.  By  time  this 
loving  letter  are  there  in  your  post-office,  White 
House  furniture  are  already  preparing  to  be  sat 
on  by  another  kind  of  Person.  Perhapsly  he  will 
be  a  bigger  man,  but  I  bet  my  bootware  he  will  not 
cover  so  many  places  at  once.  In  Executive 
Offices  a  new  Voice  will  kind  of  quiver  &  flitter 
through  corridors  which  is  used  to  being  cracked 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  321 

by  a  Real  Racket.  In  Aunty  Room  outside  will 
set  distinguished  statesmans  in  awful  neat  rows 
with  eyebrows  full  of  Thought  and  nothing  else. 
Gentleman  inside  may  say,  "  Prevaricatorius  ugly 
lyre!"  now  &  then,  but  sound  of  this  curse  will  be 
less  hearty  than  of  yore-time. 

And  in  that  Crowd  Outside  following  sweet 
faces  will  be  missing: 

1  —  Shaggy  Pete,  Louisiana  guide. 

2  —  Harvard  football  captain. 

3  —  Mrs.  O'Rafferty,  mother  of  6  twins. 

4  —  Rev.  Lyman  Abbott. 

5  —  Spike  McGhoul,  heavyweight  swat. 

6  —  Charles  Scribbler   &  Sons. 

7  —  Duke  De  Buzzi  and  staff. 

8  —  Nero,  famous  trick  elephant  from  Hippo 
drome. 

Them  features,  Mr.  Editor,  will  be  seriously 
lacking.  Cabinet  will  come  together  occasionally 
for  slight  confap  but  it  will  seem  quiet,  like 
directors'  meeting  of  Ice  Trust.  Treaties  will  be 
made  in  sneeky  gum-slipper  manner.  Panama 
Canal  will  be  finished  &  nobody  will  know  it. 
New  President  of  America  might  declare  war 
between  U.  S.  and  Germany  with  less  dramatick 
effect  than  Hon.  Roosevelt  got  by  chasing  3  boys 
off  from  White  House  steps. 


322  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

Next  4  years  will  be  healthy  climbate  for  old 
persons  &  delicate  children.  People  will  live 
longer  but  not  so  much.  And  what  will  happen 
to  us  in  1912  ?  Hon.  Nick  Longworth  will  explain 
with  American  eye-wink! 

Thou,  too,  climb  on  the  Ship  of  State, 
Climb  on,  O  happy  Candidate!  — 
And  favoured  Nations  shall  proclaim 
The  deeds  of  You  who  drag  to  fame 
Your  good-for-nothing  Running  Mate! 

Hoping  you  are  entirely  aware, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 

S.  P.  —  Banzai!  America  fleet  reach  Tokyo 
and  international  friendship  are  glued  together  by 
sticky  ceremonies.  Most  sweetest  exercise  of  all 
was  when  them  10,000  Japanese  school-children 
sing,  "Hail  Columbia,  Jappy  land!" 

H.T. 


XXXV 

FALL  HATS  AND  THE   LADIES  INSIDE  OF  THEM 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  November  6th. 
Editor  New  York  Newspaper  who  must  wear 
grandy  Robe  of  Literature  fcf  Science  embor- 
dened  over  with  tucks  fcf  jounces  which 
represents  Art;  but  he  must  also  retain  a 
calm  Derby  Hat  to  make  himself  sensible  in 
order  to  do  so. 

DEAR  SIR  —  If  my  Uncle  Nichi  would  not  go 
roundy  town  seeing  America  he  would  not  come 
home  &  talk  about  it.  I  should  like  to  remain  his 
affactunate  Nefew,  I  should  delight  to  reverence 
his  bald  hairs  because  he  are  my  Ancester  —  but 
I  will  be  lynched  if  I  can  remain  faithful  to  all 
them  fooly  Questions  he  ask-it!  Eech  moment 
by  clock-time  he  come  to  me  with  Queery  & 
when  I  are  giving  sweethearted  reply  he  are  pre 
paring  another  Enquire  for  answer.  Only  a 
mean  dib  can  plug  his  voice,  thank  you ! 

"I  observe  something,"  he  say-me  yesterday 
because  he  think  he  did,  "I  observe  it  how  female 
women  of  America  is  entirely  beasts  of  burden." 

"That  are  something  to  observe,"  I  deploy. 
3*3 


324  LETTERS  OF  A 

"Where  they  carry  them  beastly  burden,  please, 
if  proper  ? " 

"I  observe  it,"  he  remain,  "how  they  carries 
them  burdens  in  enormed  &  sometimes  over 
bearing  quantities  on  top  of  their  heads.  Oftenly 
ladies  of  minus  126  pounds  of  complete  frailness 
is  seen  totering  from  walk  to  walk  with  awful 
monstry  platforms  on  their  skull  while  on  top  side 
of  this  are  piled  fruits  &  vegetables,  glassware, 
window-curtains,  fuel,  iron  &  wood,  office  sup 
plies,  general  groceries,  flours  &  other  provisions. 
What  you  call  them  platters  full  of  merchandise  ?" 
require  Nichi. 

"Would  you  get  amazed  if  told  ?"  I  ask  it. 

"  I  shall  attempt  to,"  he  report. 

"Them  platters,"  I  say  slow  for  gentle  break, 
"is  called  Hats!" 

Uncle  Nichi  is  staggered  to  believe  it. 

"In  Japan,"  he  tangle,  "they  would  be  called 
roofs.  Such  a  Hat  are  sifficiently  sized  to  sup 
port  a  entire  family." 

"In  America,"  I  falter,  "it  oftenly  require  a 
entire  family  to  support  such  a  Hat." 

Uncle  Nichi  set  down  because  he  are  a  oldy 
man  and  got  a  faint  nerve. 

"I  will  told  you  more,"  I  revoke.  "Those 
Hon.  Hats  is  pinned  on  to  them  Ladies  what  for 
get  how  painful  they  feel  &  drag  them  from  places 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  325 

to  places  with  smile  of  sweet  resign.  They  are 
even  happy  while  wearing  them  because  they 
Imagines  something." 

"What  could  they  Imagine  after  that?"  are 
enqueery  for  Nichi. 

"They  Imagines  they  are  beautiful!"  are 
report  from  me. 

"Hashimura  Togo,"  rasp  them  feebly  Unc, 
"up  to  now  I  have  believed  everything.  Please 
tell  lies  more  gently.  I  are  not  prepared  to 
swallow  too  much." 

"When  foreigners  talk  about  American  Ladies 
they  must  be  prepare  to  swallow  anything,"  are 
argue  I  make.  "This  are  customary." 

"Ladies  must  be  oftenly  scrushed  to  death 
beneath  them  awful  lids,"  require  Nichi  with 
Hearst  editorial  look. 

"Such  are  the  untruth,"  I  let  go.  "Them 
Hats  is  frequently  more  lighter  than  they  looks 
by  appearance.  Although  they  are  huje  enormal- 
osities  amassed  all  over  outside  with  riotous 
debree,  yet  they  are  kept  light  by  fact  that  there 
ain't  nothing  inside  of  them." 

"What-so!"  say  Nichi.  "Ain't  them  Ladies 
got  their  brains  inside  of  them  Hats  ?" 

"If  Ladies  had  sifficient  brains  enough  to  fill 
such  Hats  they  would  wear  them  much  smaller," 
are  jount  from  me. 


326  LETTERS  OF  A 

"  Can  we  expect  something  worse  soon  ? " 
suppose  Nichi. 

"Of  surely  we  can!"  say  me.  "In  Woman  s 
Homely  Companion,  stylish  paper,  I  read  I  page 
of  fashionable  hints  wrote  by  a  elderly  clergyman 
who  sign  himself  Trou-Frou'  because  he  need  the 
salary.  He  make  following  alarmy  prediction: 

"  'Stiles  for  1909  will  be  built  on  Delagrange  models  with 
box-kite  planes  fore  and  aft  to  look  awful  tasty.  All  them 
patterns  for  winter  wear  will  be  heavier-than-air  types  which 
is  very  chick.  Them  Zepellin  hats,  so  popular  last  season, 
are  now  being  frowned  at  by  Dam  Fashion  who  says  they  are 
clumbsy  &  apt  to  catch  afire.  Them  new  hats  will  seem  kind 
of  horble  when  first  looked  at,  but  when  they  got  a  fan-shaped 
propeller  going  at  full  speed  in  the  rear,  you  got  to  acknowl 
edge  they  look  mischievous  &  expensive. 

"  'Many  poor  girls  is  making  them  it  home  after  Butter 
milk  Patterns  furnished  by  request  &  IDC  extra  please.  Some 
light  ashwood  ribs,  90  yards  mercyfied  silk  &  a  trifle  of  wire 
(which  can  be  took  out  of  any  piano)  are  sifficient  for. 

"  'By  sending  $7,000  to  Paris  you  can  get  one  of  them 
ready-trimmed  by  the  Wright  Sisters/  ' 

"If  it  was  not  printed  in  that  Homely  Com 
panion  paper  I  would  enjoy  a  suspicion  that  Hon. 
Frou-Frou  was  talking  about  airships,"  contract 
my  poor  Relation. 

"Hats  &  Airships  is  very  dear  cousins,"  I 
rotate.  "  But  they  has  some  delicious  differences. 
Some  Airships  can't  lift  nothing  —  but  Ladies 
is  often  entirely  carried  away  by  Hats." 


'Do  not  hide  your  light  under  a  bushel  basket,'  are  smart 
quotation  for  me" 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  327 

"Where  would  they  be  carried  away  to?"  ask 
Uncle  Nichi,  who  are  studying  American  jokes 
by  correspondence  school. 

"To  any  extreme,"  I  choke  off  for  fear  I  shall 
hit  Uncle  Nichi  with  a  angry  Dib.  So  he  go  way 
for  read  newspaper  &  learn  some  more  intelligent 
Questions  to  ask  it. 

Mr.  Editor,  it  are  fashionable  to  appear  smarty 
&  suspicious  when  conversing  in  print  about 
Ladies.  Any  colledge  child  not  intelligent  enough 
to  learn  i  )okkeeping  &  stenography  can  publish 
at  least  I  book  called  "Sneery  Thoughts  of  a 
Snappy  Cynick"  &  sell  from  10  to  1,000,000 
copies.  This  to  include  several  epigrams  about 
Mrs.  Eve  and  other  famous  Parisians.  ("What 
are  a  'epigram'  ?"  ask  Little  Annie  Anazuma. 

"A  epigram  are  a  cheap  Joke  in  a  dress-suit," 
are  reply  for  Japanese  Schoolboy.) 

Even  Hon.  Rud.  Kipling,  who  write  many 
novels  and  speak  fluidly  in  both  English  & 
American,  make  sinickal  talk  about  female  Ladies. 
He-say  "A  Woman  are  merely  a  Woman,  but  a 
good  cigar  cost  25c." 

In  Manila  a  good  cigar  only  cost  8c,  and  yet 
Ladies  is  found  growing  there  in  tropickal 
bundance.  So  you  see  it  are  useless  to  try  &  com 
pute  the  worthlessness  of  them  in  terms  of  tobacco. 


328  LETTERS  OF  A 

Mr.  Editor,  I  know  only  3  Ladies  to  my  acquain 
tanceship;  but  there  is  a  4th  one  now  which  I  am 
learning  pretty  quick.  Among  this  crowd  are 
Hon.  Mrs.  Lusy  Macdonald,  286  pounds  of  entire 
beauty,  to  her  I  enjoy  a  tender  business  relation. 
She  reward  me  $1.25  weekly  for  barber  her  lawn 
&  comb  it  with  rakes.  Oftenly  I  speak  to  this 
lady  with  pathetick  expression,  because  she  may 
rise  my  salary  if  I  look  sifficiently  unhappy. 
Sometime  she  bring  me  tea  by  side-porch  to 
include  ginger-snaps  &  I  tell  her  delicious  lies 
about  myself  so  she  will  think  what  a  fine  Jobber 
I  am. 

This  Lady  are  very  expensive  in  clothes  which 
appear  hellish  &  also  include  dimonds.  She 
obtain  her  gownds  in  Paris  where  they  hates 
Americans  and  shows  it  by  the  stiles  they  sell  them. 
It  are  a  mean  revenge.  But  Mrs.  Macdonald  can 
afford  to  dress  in  stile,  because  she  are  rich  enough 
to  be  exentrick.  I  do  not  yet  notice  that  she  wear 
Directory  skirt  at  knee.  I  shall  telegraf  you  if 
she  gets  one. 

Next  in  my  acquaintanceship  of  feminines 
are  Little  Annie  Anazuma,  Q-year-age  daughter 
of  I.  Anazuma,  Japanese  barber.  This  childy 
Japanese  are  too  young  to  be  a  lady,  but  she  are 
already  quite  foolish. 

&  3rd  on  this  List  of  Ladies  are  Miss  Alice 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  329 

Furioki,  wife  to  my  Cousin  Nogi.  I  was  once  her 
finance,  but  when  she  marry  Nogi  I  broke  my 
engagement  to  her  for  spiteful  reasons. 

But  4th  of  them  are  a  Girly  Person  to  which 
I  must  own  up.  She  are  by  initials  Miss  Evelyn 
Suki  &  have  become  a  dear  schoolfriend  to  Miss 
Furioki  and  very  oftenly  they  meet  together  to 
do  some  chumming  &  other  giggles.  And  very 
oftenly  I  make  drop-in  to  home  of  Cousin  Nogi 
for  borrow  opera  glass  or  cigarette  or  what  he  got. 
And  oftenly  Miss  Suki  make  door-knock  for  see 
Miss  Furioki  &  Japanese  Boy  are  axidentally 
there.  I  make  eye-wink  of  soul  to  think  how 
fox  I  are. 

By  last  Wednesday  p.  M.  I  get  nervus  about 
Cousin  Nogi  &  go  see  him  offhandedly.  Miss 
Furioki  come  to  door  and  I  make  very  humbel 
signals  to  her  with  derby  hat. 

"I  am  delicious  to  ask  it,  please,  Mrs.  Madam, 
thank  you  so  much,  so  sorry  I  come.  Are  Cousin 
Nogi  inside,  thank  you  ?" 

"No,  he  are  entirely  out!"  dib  Miss  Furioki, 
who  despises  me  earnestly. 

"Then  I  shall  remain,  thank  you,"  I  say  for 
cheerful  smiles  &  take  set-down  to  parler  where 
I  see  Miss  Suki  doing  a  fancy  task  in  companion 
ship  with  Miss  Furioki.  On  centre-table  was 
a  large  objeck  to  resemble  a  clothes-basket  & 


330  LETTERS  OF  A 

them  Ladies  was  fondly  trimbing  it  with  smilax, 
ribbons  and  other  laces.  Occasionally  they  stand 
off-side,  mouths  confused  by  pins;  sometimes  they 
make  critick  faces  and  speek  in  milinary  language. 

"What  you  call  That  what  you  are  doing?"  I 
wander. 

"Intelligent  persons  calls  it  a  Hat,"  snip  Miss 
Furioki. 

"By  Bible  you  could  not  wore  such  a  Hat," 
are  mope  from  me. 

"What-say  Bible  about  it?"  require  Miss 
Suki  who  are  studying  to  be  a  missionary. 

"Hon.  Bible  say,  'Do  not  hide  your  light  under 
a  bushel  basket/  "  are  all  sound  I  make. 

Deep  breathing  from  Miss  Furioki.  Miss 
Suki  look  slyly  joyful.  Pretty  soonly  them  Hat  are 
sifficiently  complete  for  have  try-on  to  head  of 
Miss  Furioki,  who  make  poze  before  mirror  with 
cowcattish  expression. 

"You  hide  cozily  inside,"  I  arrange. 

"It  are  a  very  theatrical  hat,"  lapse  Miss 
Suki  fairly. 

"It  look  like  a  famous  Play  to  me,"  I  commune 
for  pious  regard. 

"What  famous  Play  you  meant  ?"  queery  Miss 
Alice.  "You  meant  the  <  Jolly  Widow  ?'  " 

"Maybe  'Payed  in  Full'  are  Play  them  Hat 
look  like,"  beseech  Miss  Suki. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  331 

"Ah,  no!"  I  revolve,  "another  from  them! " 
"Then  which  play  it  look  like,  if  so  smart?" 

rasp  wife  of  Nogi. 

"It  look  like  'The  Devil'  to  me,"  I  assassinate, 

and  go  out  by  door.     Sound  of  crashy  furniture 

inside,  and  other  simptoms  of  an  American  Girl. 

Also   some  delicious  snickkers  from   Miss  Suki. 

Thank  her  so  many! 

Foreigners  visiting  America  for  first  time  is 
expected  to  say  something  about  American  women 
before  getting  off  the  boat.  A  very  sublime  Prince 
from  Island  of  Borneo  of  recently  come  over  & 
say  following  statistick  about  American  Women: 

1  -  -  They    are    naturally    very    foolish,   but    are 

less  so  when  educated. 

2  —  It  are  easy  to  distinguish  their  Sext  by  their 

clothes  - 

3  —  Except  in  the  case  of  Literary  Ladies  who 

wears  derbies. 
4 --They  are  awful  extravagant. 

5  -  -  They  are  terrible  stingy. 

6  —  Many  of  them  has  more  snippy  espree  than 

Frenchwoman. 

7  —  Many  has  less. 

8  -  -  They  have  got  such  quantity  of  Charm,  etc., 

that  it  are  difficult  for  a  Foreigner  to  look  at 
them  without  enjoying  Lovesick  simptoms. 


332  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

American  Ladies  hear  them  compliments,  Mr. 
Editor,  with  pompadours  swole  up  with  pride; 
but  they  are  forgetful  that  what  that  Hon.  Sub 
lime  said  about  them  are  true  of  every  national 
Lady  in  the  entire  world  —  with  the  exception 
of  the  Ladies  of  Zeeweezi  Land  where  it  are  the 
custom  for  them  to  cut  off  their  noses  to  spite  their 
husbands. 

Hoping  you  can  afford  it,  I  am, 
Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XXXVI 

FEETBALL  FOR  MOLLYCUDDLES 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  November  loth. 
To  Editor  New  York  Newspaper  which  must  give 
large    Colledge   Y all  to   see    such  great  Yale- 
Harvard    feet  ball    combination    when    Hon. 
Roosevelt  pushed  Hon.  Taft  across  line. 

HON.  MR.  —  I  have  discovered  more  yet. 
America  are  no  sooner  through  making  one  Loud 
Noise  than  she  are  prepared  to  make  another. 
Her  screems  for  Spring  occupy  Baseballing;  next 
come  Presidential  Election  where  every  person 
are  ready  to  banzai  &  make  provoked  hollers; 
soonly  following  this  arrive  Feetball  when  talented 
Colledge  Ladds  is  glued  together  for  chorus  of 
howels  &  rores  which  you  would  not  believe 
except  when  it  happens.  Then  America  gives 
Thanksgiving  because  they  are  glad  it  are  all 
over;  but  so  vainly  to  think!  With  immediate 
quickness  arrive  Happy  New  Years  when  the  roof 
of  Hon.  Heaven  are  entirely  shrieked  away  with 
steam  whissles.  After  this  who  knows  what  ? 

"You  have  forgot  to  put  in  Fourth  of  July,"  say 
Uncle  Nichi. 

333 


334  LETTERS  OF  A 

"That  Hon.  Explosion  must  be  mentioned  all 
by  itself,"  are  contort  for  me. 

Mr.  Editor,  all  newspaper-prints  is  now  filled 
with  scandal  about  feet-bailers  &  what  happen  to 
them.  I  understand  how  Carlyle  Indians  would 
be  champions  of  America  except  for  fact  that  Chief 
Kick-in-the-Head  have  received  something  like 
his  name;  also  \  back,  Hon.  Hoopi,  have  fraxured 
both  legs;  -J  back,  Crazy  Buffalo,  are  now  in 
hospital  enjoying  2  or  3  ribs,  &  Young-Man- 
Who-Butts-Like-a-Goat,  famous  tackier,  have 
come  apart  &  must  be  sewed  together.  White 
mans  has  been  entirely  unjust  to  Indians.  Not 
satisfied  with  teaching  them  whisky-drunk 
they  now  educates  them  in  feetball.  The 
Nobel  Red  Man  are  thusly  fast  becoming  a 
bursted  race. 

In  another  news-print  I  read-it  how  there  are 
a  general  move  in  America  to  make  feetball 
more  kindly.  How  foolish  to  think!  Feetball 
without  an  occasional  murder  would  be  like  a 
bullfite  without  no  Hon.  Bull.  It  would  be 
gentle,  but  who  would  come?  I  require  no 
answer. 

Howeverly  all  grandest  California  Colledges 
is  now  playing  Rugboy  feetball  which  is  English 
&  therefore  entirely  polite.  And  yet  necks  can 
be  bursted  by  this  way  if  required. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  335 

Last  Saturday  in  early  p.  M.  I  make  a  very 
stylish  appearance  to  my  clothes  which  in 
clude  frockaway  coat,  derby  hat,  respectful 
gloves  &  whatever  shoes  &  socks  are  neces 
sary  for  most  beautiful  way  to  look.  With 
such  ornaments  I  could  not  wear  my  familiar 
necktie  which  are  getting  too  shabbed;  so  I 
borrow  one  of  angry  red  complexion  from 
Arthur  Kickahajama  who  was  not  there  when 
I  took  it.  Thank  you,  Arthur,  for  kindness 
loan! 

With  them  fashionable  haberdash  I  make  my 
joyful  footprints  go  in  direction  of  sidewalk 
where  all  Japanese  what  see  me  revoke,  "Where 
would  Hashimura  Togo  go  so  completely  deco 
rated?"  But  for  answer  I  make  American  eye- 
wink  &  nothing  else. 

Pretty  soonly  I  arrive  by  door-mat  of  Yoshima 
Suki,  Japanese  carpenter,  &  there  I  do  rap-tap 
with  nervus  knuckles.  After  deliciously  long 
time  Miss  Evelyn  Suki,  dreamy  lady  of  entire 
youngness,  come  to  knob  &  look  surprised  because 
she  expect  it  was  me. 

"Kind  morning,  Mr.  Togo,"  she  say-it  with 
deceptive  expression  of  a  female,  "which  of  my 
Parents  did  you  come  to  see?" 

"How  many  of  them  Parents  have  you  got, 
please?"  I  remove  with  polite  derby. 


336  LETTERS  OF  A 

"I  got  two  to  include  i  Mother  &  I  Father,  both 
enjoying  nice  health,"  she  response. 

"You  are  fortunate  to  have  so  many,"  I 
corrode,  "therefore  permit  them  to  enjoy  their 
nice  health  without  disturb  from  us." 

She  do  so,  thank  you. 

We  set  in  parlour  &  have  a  few  conversations 
&  occasional  topicks.  I  get  more  charms  eech 
moment  by  her  sweet  looks  &  cowcattish  smile. 
I  could  throb  forever  in  such  lonesome  company. 
Pretty  soonly  I  say-so. 

"Hon.  Miss  Suki,  excuse  me,  sir,  I  ask  it" 
(such  nerves  from  me!).  "Please  may  we  go 
forthly  together  this  afternoon  for  some  sporty 
amusement  ?" 

"Where  we  go  to  find  such  a  sporty  amuse 
ment?"  she  dement,  tucking  away  her  hair  with 
morsel  wave. 

"In  Japanese  Y.  M.  C.  A.,"  I  snagger,  "Hon. 
Rev.  Chillworthy  will  speek  an  entirely  harmless 
lecture  about  'Onward  &  Upward  for  Little 
Missionaries.'  We  could  go  there  for  minus 
expense  because  it  are  free." 

Stillness  from  Miss  Suki. 

"You  no  care  for  such  an  excitements?"  I 
ask  it. 

"Slightly,  perhaps,"  are  response  from  her. 
"Where  else  could  we  go  for  it  ?" 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  337 

(I  make  sneekret  count  inside  my  pocket  which 
contain  45c  wealth.) 

11  Trolley-ride  to  Cliff  House  &  peanuts  by 
beach  would  be  somewhat  fashionable  amusement 
if  it  was  n't  raining,"  I  snuggest. 

"It  might,  but  would  it?"  are  next  question 
for  her. 

I  begin  to  enjoy  go-home  feeling  for  such  dis- 
couredged  talk. 

"To  tell  you  truthly,  Mr.  Togo,"  she  apply, 
"I  got  2  tickets  for  one  Feetball  Game  which  will 
be  kicked  off  this  afternoon.  You  like  to  be 
chaperone  to  me  for  this  ceremony?" 

"I  am  reckless  to  try,"  I  cheer  up.  (For  only 
a  very  fooly  person  would  omit  to  be  chaperone  to 
a  Angel  what  got  2  tickets,  price  $4.) 

So  we  go  there  &  seen  what  was.* 

Mr.  Editor,  with  what  crippled  penmanship 
I  got  how  should  I  attemp  to  describe  such  scene 
of  banzai,  hari-kiri,  stroggle  &  push  what  we 
seen  for  them  2  tickets  ?  How  can  poor  Japanese 
Schoolboy  tell  of  such  delicious  race-riot  all  over 
mud  which  them  heroes  plowed  with  their  faces  ? 

Therefore  I  shall  do  so. 

Me    &  Miss  Evelyn  Suki  we  set  on  bleached 

*Mr.  Togo  is  describing  Intercollegiate  Football;  still  played  by  minor 
colleges  in  California.  Rugby  is  being  played  by  the  principal  colleges 
there. 


338  LETTERS  OF  A 

seats  between  6  maiden  co-eds  and  2  coiledge 
boys  of  average  age  63  years.  Heart-bursting 
screems  was  enjoyed  by  them  for  entire  afternoon. 
When  most  fiercest  play  of  feetball  happened 
them  oldy  coiledge  boys  would  strike  me  in  ankle 
with  their  cane  which  was  a  insult.  Rainy 
weather  &  slight  westerly  showers. 

Game  of  Feetball,  Mr.  Editor,  are  played  by 
22  enormous  boys  which  are  divided  equally  into 
£  to  look  even.  One  J  wear  stripes  &  other  J 
wears  New  Jersey  sweaters  of  entirely  blue  colour. 
None  of  them  Players  is  allowed  to  be  killed  before 
the  game  begins. 

Delicious  mud  all  over  grounds  which  are  good 
to  slide  on  &  show  how  graceful  it  can  be  done. 

Considerable  rah-rah  cries  indulged  in  by  all 
specktaters  to  include  Miss  Suki  &  10,000  others. 
Talented  howels  from  all  coiledge  boys  who  set 
in  bleached  seats  around  feetball  grounds  which 
is  called  a  Griddle  because  it  look  like  something 
else.  Of  suddenly  OH-H-H-H ! ! ! 

To  middle  of  griddle  with  brave  runsteps  come 
II  striped  athletes  followed  by  II  blue  youths. 
More  rores.  In  centre  of  Griddle  Hon.  Feetball 
(which  resemble  a  leather  melon)  are  placed  down. 
Whissle  from  Foreman  &  suddenly  one  blue 
youth  rosh  forwards  &  give  them  Hon.  Ball 
one  very  brutal  kick  which  send  it  to  Heaven 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  339 

where  it  intend  to  go.  Splandid  rushing  together 
by  all  youths  which  do  knock-downs  with  rage. 
Hon.  Ball,  when  he  make  come-down,  are  lovingly 
embraced  by  a  striped  youth,  but  one  blue  youth 
see  him  &  get  jalous,  so  he  throw  him  to  mud 
with  deathly  thump.  Eech  member  of  both 
teams  are  now  permitted  to  jump  on  this  young 
man  when  he  are  laying  pronely.  Then  Hon. 
Foreman  holler  "Down!"  &  all  are  sure  of  it. 

Next  Player  to  arrive  are  Hon.  Doctor  who  do 
a  hospital  corps  and  remove  3  players  with  limps. 
Banzais  from  all.  Game  then  go  on  for  all  after 
noon  by  following  rotation: 

1  —  Savage  ball-kick. 

2  —  Wildy  rush  together. 

3  —  Delicious  throw-down. 

4  —  Everybody  jump-on. 

5  —  All  get  off,  if  possible. 

6  —  Doctors  collect  broken  boys. 

7  —  More    ball-kick,    more    banzai,    etc.,    till 
twilight. 

Pretty  soonly  when  i  colledge  player  of  striped 
appearance  make  grab-up  of  ball,  blue  colledge 
boys  forget  to  knock  him  down;  so  with  them  pigly 
sphere  clasp  dearly  in  arms  he  make  hurrysteps 
across  field;  and  them  blue  players  get  very  angry, 
so  they  chase  him  with  fierce  hair.  How  useless! 


340  LETTERS  OF  A 

Soonly  he  carry  that  ball  behind  goal-sticks  & 
Blue  Colledge  cry,  "  Shah ! "  while  Striped  Colledge 
cry,  "Rah!" 

"Oh!!  that  count  5  for  our  side,"  say  elderly 
youth  next  by  me. 

"Why  it  count  5  when  only  2  players  was 
killed?"  was  question  I  ask-it;  but  that  antique 
child  was  too  busy  with  banzais  for  answer. 

So  I  took  away  Miss  Suki  for  ice-cream  soda 
ceremony,  price  aoc.,  where  we  could  be  more 
lonesome  together. 

"  It  must  require  great  strength  to  kill  so  many 
people  in  an  afternoon,"  she  say-it  with  sweet 
sips. 

"With  a  ax  I  could  do  much  better,"  are  reply 

I  make. 

This  week  my  chumb,  Sydney  Katsu,  Jr.,  who 
went  to  Harvard  for  study  mollycuddling,  come 
back  here  enjoying  great  damages.  I  could  see 
by  the  expression  of  his  legs  how  much  they  was 
broke;  also  bandaged  elbows  indicate  smashy  con 
dition  &  his  brain  was  held  together  with  a  towel. 
Most  of  his  teeth  he  was  carrying  in  his  pocket. 

"O  Sydney!"  I  report,  "who  done  you  all  them 
delicious  injuries  you  got?" 

"Them  Mollycuddles  done  it,  thank  you!"  he 
dib,  pointing  to  draped  eye  which  was  minus. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  341 

"What  must  a  person  do  to  become  a  Molly- 
cuddle?"  are  next  review  I  make. 

"He  must  first  go  to  Harvard  &  play  on 
scrubbed  Freshman  team,"  explan  Sydney. 
"  Some  mollycuddlish  person  will  say  '6  —  1 1  — 44' 
and  toss  him  a  entire  feetball.  Soonly  all  Harvard 
are  on  top  of  him  to  include  the  Library  Building 
&  Germanic  Museum.  Groans  from  this  youth 
who  are  trying  to  play  that  game.  Finally  brick- 
age  are  removed  from  him  and  he  are  permitted 
to  be  carried  away.  If  he  lives  he  are  a  Molly- 
cuddle." 

"  Shall  you  return  to  study  gentle  ways  of  efeet 
East  ?"  I  announce. 

"Ah,  no,"  corrugate  Sydney.  "Wildy  West 
are  more  peaceful  place  to  be.  I  shall  follow 
advice  of  Hon.  Roosevelt  which  say,  'Don't  be  a 
Mollycuddle.'  " 

So  I  leave  Sydney  resting  in  arnica. 

Hoping  you  are  the  same, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


^ 


XXXVII 


WILL  HON.   SO.   DAKOTA  BE  A  BLISSFUL 
MARRIED    STATE  ? 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  November  1 6th. 
Editor   New    York    Newspaper  who   suppose    he 

knows  what  will  happen  to  America  next. 

DEAR  MR.  SIR  — "South  Dakota  are  now  very 

strickted     &    respecktable,"    say    Cousin    Nogi 

with    expression   of  deep   glum.     "Only   choice, 

selected  persons  is  permitted  to  get  divorces  there." 

"What  must  these  choice,  selected  persons  do 

now  to   obtain    such   a   privilege?"    are    queery 

for  me. 

"A  gentleman  wishing  to  be  entirely  divorced 
in  Sue  Falls  must  reside  there  one  year  &  must 
be  drunk  at  leastly  f  of  time.  He  must  beat  his 
wife  occasionally  to  prove  it." 

"If  he  pass  such  examination  will  he  then 
obtain  ticket  of  leave  ?"  are  next  I  ask  to  know. 

"Scarcely  already,"  are  corrode  from  Nogi. 
"Firstly  he  must  possess  a  certificate  signed  by 
2  Aldermans  or  6  State  Senators  showing  that  h« 
enjoys  a  famous  record  for  bad  moral  character, 
that  he  have  allepeptick  fits  &  served  at  leastly 

34* 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  343 

I  year  in  some  good  penitentiary.  If  he  got  such 
papers  he  are  permitted  to  be  lonesome  again." 

"Few  persons  has  sufficient  talent  to  pass  such 
a  high  test,"  I  submit. 

"Howeverly,  many  persons  will  try,"  say  Nogi 
for  knowledge. 

"With  that  strick  law  So.  Dakota  will  soonly 
become  one  of  them  blissful  married  States,"  I 
dally  forth. 

"So  sad  to  think  it  will,"  say  Nogi  with  W.  J. 
Bryan  elbows.  "Thusly  are  greatest  landmarks 
of  America  departing  off.  Niagara  Falls  &  Sue 
Falls,  grand  gushing  monuments  of  Fourfathers' 
pride,  both  is  being  swep  away  by  toothless  hand 
of  commerce.  No  longer  can  pressed  &  weary 
persons  turn  feetprints  to  South  Dakota  like 
Pilgrum  Fathers  - 

"Why  were  a  person  what  went  to  South  Dakota 
like  a  Pilgrum  Father  ?"  I  erupt  with  voice. 

"  Because  they  both  journeyed  Westward  to  find 
freedom,  didn't  they  not?"  are  request  from 
Nogi. 

I  get  shocky  sensation  by  such  news. 

"So  sinful  comparison!"  I  reproach.  "His 
tory-book  say,  'Them  Puretan  Parents  made 
excursion  to  Plymouth  Rock  with  entire  single 
ness  of  purpose.'  ' 

"Singleness  of  purpose  also  makes  excursions 


344  LETTERS  OF  A 

to  Sue  Falls,"  dib  my  corrugated  cousin.     "Hon. 
Dan  Webster  notice  it  in  oldy  days." 

"I  have  never  found  such  talk  in  Webster's 
Dixionary,"  I  imagine.  "What  did  Hon.  Dan 
say  about  it  ?" 

"He-say,  'United  we  stand,  divided  Sue  Falls/  ' 
are  smart  quotation  for  Nogi. 

"How  you  obtain  such  divorce  in  sweet  old 
days?"  I  exclaim  for  excitement. 

"Maybe  you  can  imagine  it,"  say  Nogi. 
"Imagine,  please,  that  Miss  Alice  Furioki,  who 
is  my  wife,  got  peeved  to  me  because  of  my 
slouched  ways  &  feeble  mind." 

I  do  so  easily. 

"Imagine,  please,  I  say  to  her,  'Fare-bye 
forever ! '  &  am  next  discovered  on  Pullman  car." 

"Where  you  obtain  sufficient  cash  for  such  a 
ticket?"  are  suspicious  question  for  Hashimura 
Togo. 

"You  are  permitted  to  imagine  that  also," 
dib  Nogi  for  snub.  "I  are  next  discovered  on 
main  street  of  Sue  Falls.  It  are  6  o'clock  p.  M.  by 
time.  With  immediate  quickness  I  make  feet- 
steps  to  Court  House.  It  are  closed,  thank  you. 
'Where  can  persons  buy  a  divorce  so  late  &  catch 
train  ?'  I  require  of  Hon.  Janitor  at  door-knob. 
'Hon.  Justice  of  the  Peace  has  nice  fresh  ones/ 
explain  Hon.  Janitor  for  polite  smile.  By  running 


"  Obi  Obi  and  the  Willy  Sparrow  " 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  345 

I  get  there  quick  —  but  alast!  too  late.  'My 
husband  are  away  attending  funeral  of  man  he 
shot/  say  Mrs.  Justice.  'Howeverly,  you  can 
buy  choice  divorces  from  Hon.  Notary  Publick 
around  corner/  At  home  of  Notary  Publick 
I  meet  Office  Lad  who  say,  'Hon.  Boss  are  away 
setting  up  with  a  ill  horse/  So  I  depart  off 
entirely  nervus  about  that  Divorce  I  did  n't  got." 

"What  you  do  nextly  to  stop  being  married  ?" 
I  compute. 

"Nextly,"  say  Nogi,  "I  make  aimlus  wander 
through  deserted  streets.  Despair  for  me.  Of 
suddenly  I  see  one  news  stand  with  large  gilty 
sign, 

"'  DIVORCES    WHILE    WAITING    FOR   THEM — $5    APIECE.' 

"This  are  stiff  price,  but  I  must.  Already  by 
news  stand  are  considerable  line  of  100  Ameri 
cans  talking  at  each  other  as  if  acquainted  very 
dearly.  I  enquire  of  one  Hon.  Police  who  stood 
by,  'Why  does  them  Americans  talk  together  so 
corjul  ?' 

"  'It  are  a  family  reunion,'  collapse  Hon.  Po 
lice.  'All  of  them  persons  is  related  to  each  other 
in  some  way  &  another  —  some  by  proxy,  some 
by  regret;  husbands  twice  removed  is  talking  to 
outlaws-in-law.  Them  tall  gentleman  with  otto- 
mobile  glasses  is  Senator  Guff.  Lady  he  are 
talking  with  are  his  forgotten  wife,  now  Mrs. 


346  LETTERS  OF  A 

Billings,  who  will  marry  Captain  Swift,  her  chap- 
erone,  when  both  are  freed  from  hated  trammels 
they  now  endures.' 

"  'On  what  grounds  of  domestick  grief  will  they 
obtain  their  divorces  on  ?'  are  next  for  me. 

"  *  For  $5,'  say  Hon.  Police  who  has  been  in  Sue 
Falls  for  long  time,  'for  $5  you  can  take  your  choice 
of  following  grounds: 

"'Failure  to   provide  witty   conversation. 

"'Baldness. 

"  'Coming  home  chronic  late  from  Lodge, 
such  as  Elks,  Y.  M.  C.  A.,  etc. 

"  'Not  coming  home  from  them  places. 

"  'Habit  of  cracking  nuckles. 

"  'Being  impolite  to  ladies. 

"  *  Being  too  polite  to  ladies. 

"  'Expressing  grief  by  snores  while  asleep. 

"'Reading  Sunday  Journal    &  believing  it. 

"'Warts. 

"  'Any  slight  excuse  you  may  think  up  while 
waiting/ 

"  'Thank  you  so  plenty!'  I  say  to  Hon.  Police 
and  go  home  by  return  ticket." 

"You  go  home  without  them  Divorce?"  I 
say  for  disappointed  quivers. 

"Ah,  yes,"  nibble  Nogi.  "It  are  useless 
luxury  for  poor  Japanese  to  afford  it.  I  could 
buy  one  slight  divorce,  but  what  then?" 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  347 

"  That  habit  are  like  chunking,"  I  approximate. 

"Of  surely  it  are!"  influence  my  Cousin. 
"First  drink  are  innocent  pleasure,  but  it  lead 
to  more  of  and  continued.  First  divorce  are 
harmless  amusement,  next  two  or  three  are  only 
slight  damage  to  young  man — but  after  that  it  are 
apt  to  become  afixed  habit,  and  who  knows  what  ?" 

So  Nogi  borrow  my  collar-button  &  go  off 
for  righteous  Sunday  walk  with  his  wife,  Miss  Alice 
Furioki. 

Mr.  Editor,  I  am  reminded  of  a  mothological 
legend.  In  awful  pre-historick  date  of  Japan 
famous  poeter,  Obi  Obi,  were  a-wandering 
through  crying-willow  grove  endeavouring  to  try 
&  think  up  a  good  poem  to  write  for  a  magazine. 
While  full  of  ponders  of  suddenly  he  seen  a  Willy 
Sparrow  dancing  mongst  twiggly  branches  like 
he  was  suffering  from  huj  jokes.  Often  &  at 
times  them  maudly  bird  laugh  "Ha-ha!"  and  do 
a  kick  &  six  comick  capers.  So  Obi  Obi,  famous 
poeter,  he  tune  his  Japanese  Jews  harp  and 
enquire  with  rimes: 

"Dilly-darrow,    Willy    Sparrow, 
Why  you  do  such  dance  &  caper 
Like  a  crazy  piece  of  paper, 
Chirping,   cheeping,   shrieking,  peeping 
With  a  piggly  motion  giggly 
On  that  wriggly  willow  twiggly?" 


348  LETTERS  OF  A 

And  that  dafty  Willy  Sparrow,  who  also  had 
a  talent,  make  laughing  tear-drop  &  reply: 

"Tabby-toby,  Obi  Obi, 
Thus  I  flutter,  flatter,  caper 
Since  my  Wife  I  did  escape  her 
From  her  scratching  feather-snatching  — 
Hence  my  piggly  anticks  wiggly 
On  this  wriggly  willow  twiggly." 

Obi  Obi,  who  are  notorious  to  this  day  for  his 
book  full  of  morals,  were  shocked  talkless  by  rye- 
bald  remarks  of  them  horid  Willy  Bird,  so  he  flop 
hands  to  heaven  &  decry: 

"  Wirro-warro,  Willy  Sparrow, 
Baddy  birdie  what  has  flirted, 
Eggs  neglected,  Wife  deserted 
With  your  cheeping,  shrieking,  peeping  — 
Birds  of  feather  winds  should  weather, 
Live  together  whither-whether." 

So  this  wise  Obi  Obi  he  make  one  delicious 
figger-4  trap  &  he  fill  it  up  with  olives  and  other 
lunch.  Pretty  soonly  that  fooly  Willy  Sparrow 
make  hop-down  to  food  —  and  snap!  Catch  for 
him.  Then  very  briefly  after  this  Mrs.  Willy 
Sparrow,  who  was  hungry  &  peeved  about  non- 
support,  she  make  hop-down  to  trap  —  and 
snap!  Catch  for  her. 

So  wise  Obi  Obi  he  gather  them  two  birds  & 
he  put  them  in  goldy  cage  together  with  2  childish 
eggs  of  which  they  was  parents. 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  349 

"Ha-ho!"  he  say  musely  (for  he  were  a  poet). 
"It  are  pleasant  to  think  how  I  has  united  them 
quarrly  fowels  into  love-companionship/' 

So  he  hang  that  goldy  cage  in  front  of  his 
Poetry-Shop  &  invite  the  entire  World  to  come 
&  see  them  Willy  Birds  enjoying  happiness. 
And  all  the  entire  World  come  that  very  after 
noon  to  observe  this  Peace  Conference. 

But  alast!  When  Hon.  World  looked  it  seep 
Mrs.  Willy  Bird  chewing  off  ear  of  her  husband 
with  talented  claws.  Rawcuss  screams.  Feathers. 
Applause  from  World  which  always  enjoy  fites. 
Pretty  soonly  that  Happy  Cupple  retire  to  op  p. 
corners  of  cage,  do  some  glares  &  make  following; 
song  with  voice  of  tough  eagles: 

"Yarrow-yarrow!  nasty  Sparrow! 
Ruffled    feathers,    noises    frightful! 
Always  doing  something  spiteful. 
Chirping,  cheeping,  shrieking,  peeping, 
Cacklin',    kicking    peckin',    pickin* 
Like  a  silly  stricken  chicken!" 

And  when  the  entire  World  seen  them  antick 
they  stopped  their  ears  &  say: 

"Perhapsly  Hon.  Obi  Obi  do  call  this  Doomes- 
tick  Harmony;  but  it  sound  to  us  like  the  musick 
of  hand-saws  playing  on  rusty  hinges." 

So  they  retire  away.  And  next  morning  when 
Obi  Obi  go-see  Hon.  Cage,  what  he  find  there? 


350  LETTERS  OF  A 

6  feathers  &  2  claws  which  was  still  disputing 
with  eech  other.  All  the  rest  of  them  Sparrow 
Family  had  disagreed  till  they  were  entirely  minus. 
Except  them  infant  eggs  which  was  broke. 

So  Obi  Obi  write  following  epitaph  &  sell  it  to 
a  second-hand  book-store: 

"Hilly-harrows,  silly  Sparrows! 
When  a  Poet  tried  to  fix  it 
You  continued  for  to  mix  it 
Chirping,    cheeping,    shrieking,    peeping  — 
Little  birds  enjoying  jawing 
Perish  thus  enjoying  clawing." 

If  Obi  Obi,  the  wisest  Japanese  for  1,007  7ears> 
could  not  make  2  little  Willy  Sparrows  happy 
by  locking  them  together,  how  can  Governments 
&  Laws  be  more  successful  with  people  who  are 
bigger  &  more  foolish  ?  Peace  Makers  is  often 
proud  because  they  brings  Man  &  Wife  together 
after  quarrels.  So  sad  to  think!  When  Man 
&  Wife  have  combattable  tempers  it  do  not  take 
great  talent  to  get  them  together;  but  as  soon  as 
they  resume  talking  it  often  require  entire  State 
Militia  to  drag  them  apart. 

Will  law  what  bolish  Divorces  wipe  out  house 
hold  unhappiness  ?  I  shall  vote  for  it,  if  so-do. 
Maybe  it  will  make  drunken  gentlemen  sober 
&  lazy  gentlemen  reliabilious  employees  for 
more  salary.  Perhapsly  fooly  ladies  will  begin 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  351 

study  of  intelligence,  flirtating  will  cease  &  all 
dull  children  will  go  ahead  of  class.  Mischief  will 
be  neglected  by  old  &  young. 

Maybe,  if  Divorces  is  forbid,  girls  what  marries 
for  money  will  find  sentiment  &  girls  what  marry 
for  sentiment  will  find  money.  Maybe  tired 
husbands  will  aid  sick  wives  in  dish-wash;  maybe 
plumbers  will  stay  home  nights;  maybe  soft 
answers  will  turn  away  flatirons.  Maybe  every 
body  will  own  a  ottomobile. 

&  maybe  they  won't. 

If  Jo-Uncle  Cannon  would  pass  some  nice 
law  what  wrould  keep  persons  from  wanting  to 
get  divorced  this  would  be  very  good-healthy 
for  all  races,  including  Chinese,  who  are  human 
in  many  respects.  In  England  where  Divorce  are 
most  difficult  to  obtain  wife-beating  are  most 
deliciously  common. 

I  ask  something.  Can  U.  S.  Government  put 
happy  glow  &  family  affection  into  a  house  where 
it  ain  't  ?  When  Hon.  Love  flies  out  of  window 
can  he  be  pinched  by  Police  before  escape  ? 

I  require  no  answer. 

With  immediate  hopes, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XXXVIII 

THE    HON.    MARY   CHRISTMAS 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  Dec.  I2th. 

Your  Highness  Mr  Editor  which  know  everything, 
or  know  where  to  look  for  it. 

DEAR  GENTLEMAN  —  I  give  you  the  Hon. 
Mary  Christmas  and  hope  you  will  finish  it. 
Tell  me  to  know,  Mr.  Sir,  what  is  so  important 
about  this  festival  that  Americans  make  such 
holly-day  blow-up  of  it?  "Christmas  arrive  but 
once  annually,"  many  persons  explain,  making 
handshake.  Is  this  peculiar  to  Christmas  ?  Do 
not  all  other  dates  arrive  annually  also  ?  Then 
why  such  happen  on  Dec.  25  as  do  ?  I  ask  to 
enquire. 

I  answer  it,  thank  you.  The  Hon.  Christmas 
is  a  great  give-away  festival  for  all  persons  of  white 
extraction.  Negroes  is  permitted  in  this  Christmas 
custom,  because  negroes  is  always  present  when 
something  is  being  given  away.  But  Japanese 
can  not  be  Christmas  persons,  thank  you.  Why 
so  is  it  ?  Because  Japanese  is  all  heathens,  which 
is  not  eligible  to  Christmas  present.  If  Japanese 
would  obtain  valuable  presents  on  this  date  they 

35* 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  353 

/> 

must  become  Christians.  This  is  too  much  trouble 
to  do.  Is  it  not  more  better  for  Japanese  Boy  to 
become  Christian  for  Christmas-time  and  heathen 
for  all  other  purposes  ?  Thank  you,  I  will  try. 

All  Japanese  living  as  naybors  to  me  enjoy 
belief  in  Buddha  with  exception  to  Arthur  Kicka- 
hajama  who  is  Methodist  and  W.  Euro  who  believe 
in  Hon.  Roosevelt.  Hon.  Rev.  J.  W.  Chillworthy, 
American  missionary,  desire  to  do  something  to 
us  heathen,  so  he  look  everywhere  and  find  what 
is  necessary.  He  prepare  large  Xmas  tree  at 
Asiatic  M.  E.  Church  and  go  around  to  all  Japa 
nese  Boys  with  tempting  speeches.  To  me  he 
approach  to  say, 

"Hon.  Togo,  do  you  wish  to  expect  valuable 
Christmas  present  to  equal  price  of  25c?" 

"Would  this  be  cash-gifts  or  merchandise?" 
I  report. 

"Merchandise  of  considerable  merit,  because 
Christmas  presents  must  be  this,"  command  that 
Chillworthy  clergyman. 

"I  would  accept  such  dry-goods/'  I  commit. 

"  Very  well.  Then  give  me  25c  money  to  collect, 
please." 

"No  thank  you,  Mr.  Clergyman,  not  to  do! 
If  Japanese  Boy  give  25c  to  collect,  what  graft 
would  this  Christmas  present  be  of  value  25c?" 
This  question  from  me. 


354 


LETTERS  OF  A 


"Togo,  you  are  heathen,  therefore  blind.  At 
Christmas  you  will  receive  get-back  of  25c  to  pay 
for  put-up  of  25c  which  you  now  do.  You  will  be 
generous  to  give  this  price,  I  will  be  generous  to 
give  it  back.  This  will  be  Christmas  Spirit  and 
keep  money  in  circulation." 

So  I  deliver  this  quarter  of  dollar  to  Hon. 
Chillworthy  as  price.  As  reward  he  invite  me  to 
Christmas  tree  for  persons  of  yellow  extraction  at 
church  where  I  will  please  to  be,  thank  you. 
All  Japanese  of  S.  F.  has  become  Christians  for 
this  date  because  free  ice-cream  will  be  served. 

Last  Christmas  date  Japanese  Schoolboy  was 
very  recently  arrived  to  America.  Therefore  I  did 
not  know  about  Christmas.  My  cousin  Nogi  reply 
that  this  was  annual  good-will  Peace  Conference 
ceremony.  Persons  having  bricks,  bottles,  shoot- 
guns,  stick-knives  and  all  other  political  convic 
tions  must  conceal  these  under  mattrass,  thank 
you.  Enemies  must  meet  under  kissletoe-vine  for 
sweet-heart  conversation.  Therefore  I  remove 
all  firearms,  bricks,  etc.,  from  my  clothing  and  go 
out  to  sidewalk  where  I  watch  how  Christians  enjoy 
this  great  festival. 

I  notice  there  large  flocks  of  Christians  bringing 
earth-peace  feeling  together  by  drinking  consider 
able  whisky.  City  is  filled  of  sailors,  plumbers, 
hack-drivers  and  other  patriots  making  side-step 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  355 

to  each  saloon  where  more  earth-peace  is  poured 
in.  Finally  good-will  become  very  energetic  and 
front  of  saloon  is  carried  away  by  excitement. 
Peace-on-earth  continue  to  make  more  noisy  riot 
by  each  minute  until  pretty  soonly  police-gentle 
man  whistle  for  jailcart  and  all  these  Christians, 
broken  in  several  places  but  making  splendid  noise 
with  songs,  is  carried  away  to  city  lock-in. 

Of  course  these  is  very  wild  Christians  what 
make  such  behaviour.  It  is  more  comfortable 
to  be  tamer  Christian  and  take  Hon.  Christmas 
home  to  wife  &  baby.  Such  persons  get  small 
timber-tree  from  mountain  and  plant  it  in  parlour 
of  home.  (Some  Christians  have  not  got  parlours, 
so  they  need  not  feel  responsible  for  Xmas  trees.) 
Branches  of  this  tree  is  used  to  hang  things  on  — 
glass,  tin-ware,  clothing,  groceries,  candles  or  any 
thing  else  that  is  very  cheap  &  convenient.  Then 
alarm-clock  is  set  to  get-up  family  by  lamp-light. 
When  joy-bell  go  off  all  retire  to  parlour  to  watch 
Family  Father  set  fire  to  Xmas  tree  by  light  of 
candle. 

All  Christians  enjoy  Christmas  with  exception 
of  fire  engine  man  who  is  too  busy  throwing  water 
on  the  insurance. 

It  is  very  hard  duty  to  explain  to  Japanese 
Infants  about  Santy  Claus,  that  famous  American 
saint  which  so  closely  resemble  Marquis  Ito  in  the 


356  LETTERS  OF  A 

foliage  of  his  whiskers.  These  children  enjoy 
great  mental  struggles  because  of  their  heathen 
parentage.  Little  Annie  Anazuma,  Q-year-age 
daughter  of  I.  Anazuma,  Japanese  barber,  come 
to  me  to  enquire  like  this: 

"Uncle  Togo,"  she  resume,  "to  what  extent 
is  this  falsehood  about  that  Hon.  Santy  Claus  ?" 

"  Little  Annie/'  I  snuggest,  "  I  speak  you  honest 
truth,  because  you  are  one  childish  Japanese.  I 
do  not  believe  this  Santy  Claus  is  such  person. 
Why  ?  Because  I  suspect.  Presents  here,  toys 
there,  books,  albums,  jumping-up-jacks,  photo 
supplies,  sweet  confectionary  —  all  these  scattered 
with  such  immediate  delivery  all  at  once  and 
together  —  I  suspect  it  can  not  be  swallowed. 
Where  would  this  Santy  Claus  person  obtain  so 
much  moneys  for  give  presents  to  all  Christian 
children,  including  small  negroes  ?  Do  Congress 
appropriate  this  price  ?  Do  Hon.  Carnegie  donate 
it  ?  Is  Hon.  Santy  Claus  working  for  U.  S.  Govern 
ment  or  some  private  corporation  ?  I  reply.  If 
he  was  working  for  U.  S.  Government  he  would 
not  get  around  so  swift.  If  he  was  working  for 
some  Trust  he  would  not  give  nothing  to  nobody. 
Therefore  he  is  not. 

"Japanese  child,  you  are  not  insane  to  think. 
Forget  this  tell-tale  of  American  mothology.  It 
is  too  foolish  to  imagine  this  Mr.  Claus  dropping 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  357 

chocolate-creams  down  each  chimney-pipe  by 
such  wholesale." 

"No,  Uncle  Togo,"  report  this  little  Annie. 
"It  is  well  known  fact  that  Christians  never  give 
away  presents  in  that  sneak-dog  manner." 

I  shall  buy  chew-gum  for  this  little  Annie  Ana- 
zuma  to  eat  for  Hon.  Christmas. 

I  am  considerably  sorrow  for  civilizedation  when 
I  make  thoughts  about  this  Santy  Claus  affair. 
Does  not  American  missionary  say  to  Japanese 
Boy,  "Thou  shan't  not  lie?"  Why  then  is  this 
lying-instruction  given  to  American  children  ? 
Hon.  Geo.  Washington  was  disgusted  to  tell  a  liar. 
Hon.  Roosevelt  enjoys  faintness  after  entertain 
ing  such  persons.  He  has  frequently  spoken  to 
Congress  about  this  habit  which  they  enjoy. 
Why,  then,  does  American  gentleman  donate 
presents  to  baby  and  lay  all  blame  for  the  affair  to 
Santy  Claus.  Is  it  not  cowardly  to  get  out  of  it 
in  this  way  ? 

When  American  gentleman  give  Christmas 
present  to  wife  he  does  not  blame  it  to  Santy  Claus 
because  those  lady  is  too  smart  to  believe  such 
talk.  Therefore  he  must  confess  that  he  done  it 
himself. 

In  getting  civilized  all  over  herself  must  Japan 
do  this  Hon.  Christmas  also  ?  I  do  not  require 
this,  because  many  Christmas  customs  is  not  best 


358  LETTERS  OF  A 

good  for  all  human  races.  Therefore  Japan  can 
get  along  more  quicker  without  Hon.  Christmas, 
which  comes  only  once  annually,  but  stays  long 


time. 


To  what  use  is  it,  I  will  please  inquire,  to  give 
Japan  Baby  jump-up-jack,  toy  shoot-gun,  little 
squeak-dog  ?  Would  it  not  be  more  improving  to 
his  tiny  brain-thoughts  to  present  him  with 
History-books,  electrical  apparatus,  etc,  ?  Is 
Mother  Geese  sing-song  book  of  more  knowledge 
to  kindergarten  intelligence  as  some  happy  treatise 
for  Japanese  children  like  "How  to  Build  a  Navy 
in  15  Lessons  ?"  I  enquire. 

Also  this.  American  young  persons  employ 
their  Christmas  holiday  for  make  careless  amuse 
ments  like  turkey-eat,  merrying  and  flirtating. 
Would  it  not  be  more  healthy  for  their  souls  if 
following  program  was  served  for  Christmas  ? 

8  A.  M.  —  Get  up  for  Sunday  clothes. 

8.30  A.  M.  --  Light  breakfast  of  rice  &  water. 

9.00  A.  M.  —  practise  prize-fighting,  feetball  & 
other  simple  gymnastus. 

9.30  A.  M.  —  attend  lecture  on  Art,  Music  & 
Shorthand. 

10.30  A.  M.  —  read  together  from  works  of  John 
Greenleaf  Whittier  and  relate  6  humoristick  anec 
dotes  of  Hon.  Mark  Twain. 

NOON — Vegetarian  refreshments  &  light  nap  till 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  359 

2  P.  M.  —  Mass  meeting  of  all  nationalities  to 
discuss  Universal  Peace. 

5  p.  M.  --Tea  ceremony  at  residence  of  some 
rich  person. 

7  p.  M.  —  Dinner  of  fish,  pickled  turnips  & 
other  holiday  foods. 

8.30  P.  M.  —  Attend  performance  of  Ben  Hur. 

10.30  P.  M.  —  Retire  after  sending  out  Mary 
Christmas  cards  to  all  friends. 

This  kind  of  Christmas  enjoyment  would  make 
all  Christians  more  healthy.  For  Christmas  pres 
ent  they  would  give  valuable  advice  and  receive 
choice  instruction  as  come-back.  Foreign  Ameri 
cans  which  now  make  peace-on-earth  by  whisky- 
drinking  would  not  do  so.  By  eating  Japanese 
food  all  would  escape  digestion  which  now  makes 
so  many  angry  groans  in  bed.  Infants  &  babies 
would  not  be  faked  to  by  Santy  Claus.  Fire- 
engine  man  would  hitch  horse  and  attend  lectures, 
because  there  would  not  be  no  Christmas  trees 
to  burn  down  the  insurance.  Professors  would 
have  fine  time  talking  and  all  would  be  obliged  to 
listen.  This  would  be  very  cheap  and  natural 
for  each  human  race. 

Whenever  I  am  talked  to  of  giving  something  to 
merry  Christmas  people  I  tell  following  Japanese 
mothology: 

In   Kyoto,  about   12007   B.  C.,  there  reside  a 


360  LETTERS  OF  A 

notorious  Poet  name  of  Washu  who  remain  there 
tranquilly,  enjoying  blessings  of  great  poverty, 
thank  you.  Governing  thiscity  there  was  a  gentle 
man  name  of  Hon.  Mamayuki  who  was  celebrated 
for  stingyness  and  other  virtues.  On  New  Year 
day,  time  of  Japanese  Christmas-present,  poet 
Washu  send  to  Hon.  Mamayuki  following  rhythm: 

"Dear  sir,  heaven  knows  you  are  serene  like  the  stars  — 

Therefore  do  you  remember  Poets  now  and  then  ? 

Washu,  the  Poet,  have  sang  songs  for  your  benefit  several 
administrations, 

He  have  handed  out  tributes  to  your  handsome  of  face,  good- 
clothes, 

Not  forgetting  praise  of  babies  belonging  to  your  several 
Hon.  wives; 

Also  Washu  has  been  regardless  about  speaking  of  your 
generosity. 

Therefore,  Commander  of  Heaven  and  Earth, 

Is  it  not 

About  time 

That  you  make  trifling  Christmas-reward  to  the  celebrated 
sing-songer  Washu  ? 

I  bow  down,  strike  forehead  and  request  reply  by  return  mail." 

Hon.  Mamayuki,  soon  as  he  receive  this  poetical 
rhythm,  go  to  barnyard  of  Palace  and  there  choose 
one  camel-horse  celebrated  for  hungry  appetite. 
This  brutal  beast  Hon.  Mamayuki  capture  and 
send  to  Hon.  Washu  with  following  words: 

"Little  Gift  to  reward  great  Poet.  Mary 
Christmas!" 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  361 

Hon.  Washu  see  this  camel-horse  and  weep 
thoughtfully.  Poets  is  not  given  credit  for  gro 
ceries  in  Japan  —  so  how  to  feed  this  menagerie 
which  was  no  use  to  Mr.  Washu's  profession  ? 
Yet  it  would  not  be  safe  for  his  neck  to  sell  or  give 
away  present  sent  by  Gov.  of  Kyoto.  Even  while 
weeping  this  poetical  Japanese  embrace  that  camel 
pet  with  one  glad  thought:  Camel-horses  is  differ 
ent  from  plain  beasts,  because  they  only  needs 
to  eat  and  drink  once  time  eech  month! 

"This  is  great  economy  for  Japanese  Poet," 
make  Washu  in  brain-thoughts. 

But  when  ist  day  of  next  month  come  by 
them  brutal  animal  begin  complaining  for  lunch. 
Washu  enjoy  painful  thought  —  but  he  is  brave 
Samurai.  So  he  lead  this  camel-pet  to  kitchen 
where  greatest  poverty  ensues.  "All  which  I  have 
here  you  are  welcome  to  and  much  obliged,"  he 
say  to  camel-pet.  So  he  bring  out  6  pounds  rice, 
72  pancakes,  14  packages  tea,  2  bales  straw,  9 
yards  matting  from  floor  —  all  these  delecatessance 
which  camel-horse  devour  making  lip-smack  and 
other  sounds  of  great  thirst.  Now  at  that  time 
there  was  big  drouth  in  Kyoto  and  water  was  very 
expensive,  thank  you.  But  this  poetical  Washu  buy 
three  barrel  of  water  for  that  camel-horse  at  price 
of  2  yen  per  quart.  But  camel-pet  continue  making 
rusty  sounds  of  voice  to  request  more,  please. 


362          JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

At  last  when  this  hon.  brute  begin  to  eat  paper 
from  walls  Washu  feed  him  shoes  &  straw  hat  and 
commit  hari-kiri  after  delivering  following  invita 
tion  to  Mamayuki,  Gov.  of  Kyoto: 

"Dear  sir,  when  next  you  present  Camel  to  one  poor  Japanese 
Please  provide  pension  with  which  to  pay  board  for  this  Zoo; 
For  is  it  just  to  donate  Palace  to  gentleman  who  cannot 

afford  to  pay  for  lawn-sprinkler  ? 
Is  it  generous  to  endow  poverty-persons  with  ottomobiles 

when  they  have  not  got  nothing  to  buy  no  gasolene  with  ? 
Flour,  potatoes,  beefsteak, 

Is  enthusiastic  Christmas-present  for  all  literary  Poets, 
But  since  Camel  came 
I  have  felt  White  Elephant  on  ringers. 
Therefore  Washu  the  Poet 
Goes  dead. 

If  you  look  for  his  address, 
Enquire  of  Ancestors, 
For  it  is  very  cheap  to  live  when  you  are  dead." 

Thank  you,  Mr.  Editor,  I  am  going  to  be 
Christian  on  Dec.  25,  so  as  to  get  back  them  2$c 
which  Hon.  Rev.  Chillworthy  has  took.  But 
I  am  going  to  eat  like  heathen,  think  like 
heathen,  act  like  heathen,  so  that  everything  about 
me  shall  remain  in  good-healthy  condition  for  4th 
of  July,  when  it  is  unnecessary  to  be  a  Christian, 
thank  you.  Hoping  you  get  for  Christmas  present 
what  is  coming  to  you, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


XXXIX 

THE  ANNUAL  NEW  YEAR 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  December  28th. 
To    celebrated    newspaper    printers,    New    York 
City,  etc. 

DEAREST  SIRS  —  We  are  about  to  put  away  this 
iQoSth  year,  thank  you,  because  it  is  considerably 
used  up.  How  many  kind  thoughts  of  neighbours, 
young  ladies,  labouring  unions,  sickness,  food  & 
drunk,  poems  of  Hon.  Mr.  Byron,  etc.,  come  to 
this  Japanese  Schoolboy  for  sentimental  intelli 
gence  to  celebrate!  O  my,  so  soon  this  year  have 
went!  So  short  of  time  for  365  days,  so  full  of 
everything  what  has  happened  to  people!  How 
can  I  speak  for  tears  of  voice  ?  O  happy  date  of 
Jan.  ist!  Persons  which  are  sorry  for  what  they 
done  on  Christmas  can  now  forget  it  by  turning 
over  and  over:  Give  ring-off  to  old,  give  ring-on 
to  new! 

During  this  so  happy  annual  that  is  past  many 
National  Events  has  happened  to  me.  Brick-bat 
wound  sent  by  labouring  union  has  swole  up, 
thank  you,  enjoying  some  agony;  Miss  Furioki 
which  married  cousin  Nogi  loves  me  so  little;  C.  W. 

363 


364  LETTERS  OF  A 

Kurashuke,  Japanese  dentistry,  operate  on  my 
toothache  which  I  shall  never  pay  for;  Arthur 
Kickahajama,  missionary  boy,  ruin  the  beauty  of 
my  derby  hat  by  wearing  it;  I  must  suicide  myself 
to  hari-kiri  on  account  of  O-Fido  who  create 
expense  &  only  wag  about  it;  I  have  acquired  a 
feetwet  by  searching  for  employment  which  brings 
me  the  result  of  great  influenza  and  sneezing  in 
hon.  nose.  All  these  blessings  make  Japanese 
Boy  forgiving  to  turn  over  new  leap-year. 

I  enjoy  suspicious  sensation,  Mr.  Editor.  What 
make  all-world  persons  so  happy  about  New  Year 
day  arriving  less  ?  Because  so.  Persons  say  secretly 
in  sinful  brain-thoughts:  "That  last  annual  year 
were  disappointing,  thank  you.  It  was  good  year 
when  first  made,  but  considerably  decomposed  by 
various  gentlemans  who  was  to  blame.  Hon. 
Roosevelt  spoil  this  year  with  muddy  feet-kicks, 
Hon.  Rockefeller  ruin  it  by  robbery  &  prayer, 
Hon.  Lawson  make  it  sad  with  considerable  foolish 
wisdom.  This  year  may  go  chase  itself,  please, 
if  convenient.  By  next  New  Year  time  we 
shall  not  enjoy  so  many  curses.  All  world  shall 
love  itself  and  so  on.  Japanese  shall  join  hands 
with  Irish  and  population  mix-up.  Bankers, 
divorces,  house-flies,  and  other  grafts  shall  be 
prohibited  by  poisoning  them.  Therefore  let  us 
order  another  drunk." 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  365 

^^****^*— , 

"Of  what  value  is  this  New  Year  time  to  Japan 
ese  persons  ?"  I  compel  of  cousin  Nogi  when  I  call 
to  borrow  10  cents,  price  of  Japanese  cigarettes. 

"For  this,"  exaggerate  Nogi,  "because  is." 

"Tell  me  to  know,  please  how?"  I  exhibit. 

"  Togo,"  cry  Nogi,  "  New  Year  is  for  getting  rid 
of  sin.  You  have  some  expensive  sin  which  you 
keep  around  —  shampane,  high-food,  silk  derby  — 
New  Year  fine  time  to  make  swear-off  of  this/' 

"I  am  ridiculous  to  laugh,"  I  commit,  "what 
expensive  sin  I  swear-off,  please  ?  I  am  enjoy 
ing  too  much  poverty  to  be  able  not  to  get 
along  without  nothing  which  I  have  n't  not  got, 
have  I?" 

"One  expensive  sin  you  have  got  which  you 
might  resolution  to  get  away  from,"  magnify  this 
Nogi,  "you  are  educated  to  cigarette-smoking. 
Swear-off,  please.  Therefore  I  will  not  loaned  you 
them  ice  you  ask  for  to  have." 

Since  these  conversation  I  have  not  called  to 
Nogi  or  Miss  Furioki  which  he  married  himself  to. 
Nogi  has  got  one  jiu-jitsu  comeing  to  him. 

However  yet,  if  I  am  sinful,  I  shall  make  some 
fine  resolutions  to  give  up  many  things  which  I 
have  not  got.  But  before  doing  so  I  shall  be 
thankful  to  supply  for  you  following  review  of 
National  Events  which  has  happened  to  this  king 
dom  for  year 


366  LETTERS  OF  A 

Panama  Canal  —  This  will  be  completed  as 
soon  as  begun.  No  mosquitos. 

Politicks  —  Hon.  Roosevelt  will  not  be  doing 
so  much  longer.  This  kingdom  have  already 
chosen  which  Democratic  president  will  not  be 
elected. 

Warfare  —  I  do  not  know  about  this.  America 
fleet  is  out  hunting  for  it. 

Education  —  Hon.  Mark  Twain  is  made  laugh 
ing  professor  of  Oxford,  home  for  English  school 
boys.  Humoristick  anecdote  of  that  great  man 
was  enjoyed  by  all  and  understood  by  some. 

Literature  &f  Art  —  Much  is  being  done  in  this 
line,  but  very  little  accomplished. 

Soci alism  -  -  This  talk  is  spoken  in  many  lan 
guages  and  require  much  brain-thought.  Some 
delightful  speaker  say: 

"All  men  are  equal."  "Equal  to  what?"  is 
question  from  Japanese  Boy. 

Business  -  -  This  is  pretty  hard  to  do  just  at 
presently. 

Athleticks  —  A  game  of  feetball  was  played 
between  Yale  &  Harvard  this  year  to  celebrate 
the  Battle  of  Waterloo.  Both  sides  won  except 
Yale,  which  did  n't.  This  is  fine  exercise  for 
young  students  which  does  not  care  for  death  by 
book-study. 

Real  Estate  —  Everywhere  good  corner  lots  can 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  367 

be  had  for  prices  asked.  Skyscrape  buildings  Is 
acting  very  valuable  Some  empty  lots  still  con 
tinues  to  remain  in  Canada  and  suburbs  of 
Nebraska.  J.  Furo,  Japanese  hardware,  who  is 
dead,  is  renting  second  story  of  store  to  O. 
Jiijuwaki,  Japanese  undertaker. 

Mr.  Editor,  because  you  are  conductor  of  great 
newspaper  I  desire  let  you  have  some  news  which 
will  surprise  you.  It  happen  in  Japan  2016  years 
formerly.  Following  is  it: 

During  that  year  I  say  about  there  reside  in 
Hokadate,  Japan,  very  sweet  singer  name  of  Obi 
Obi.  In  order  to  keep  him  in  good  voice  for  songs, 
which  he  could  sang  like  nightinglory-bird,  this 
man  was  oblige  to  take  considerable  rice  brandy 
by  each  evening.  Then  he  would  sing  pretty  fine  till 
stopped  by  friends  and  police.  He  continue  this  ex 
ercise  for  several  years  and  never  get  tired  out  of  it. 

Come  time  to  Happy  New  Years  on  the  day 
before  is.  Obi  Obi  declare:  "To-morrow  will 
be  January  One  on  which  all  good  Japanese  are 
respected  to  reform  theirselves.  Therefore  to 
night  must  be  the  night." 

So  Obi  Obi  order  to  house  large  kag-barrel  of 
rice  whiskey,  together  with  many  friends  to  hear 
concert.  After  2  qts  of  these  was  drunken  up  Obi 
Obi  sing  very  fine  from  Japanese  opera.  Friends 


368  LETTERS  OF  A 

applause  for  more  and  decry:  "Too  sorry  this 
music-song  must  be  stopped  up  to-morrow  which 
is  swear-off  New  Years!" 

When  midnight  time  arrive,  Obi  Obi,  too  tired 
to  sing  no  more,  so  he  fall  to  slumber  under  table 
and  this  he  dream: 

He  dream  that  Angel  of  Dying  drop  to  him  out  of 
sky  and  carry  under  wing  one  large  literary  Book. 

"Obi  Obi,"  she  command,  "these  here  Book 
is  that  Life  which  you  been  leading  around  this 
several  years." 

"My  sakes!"  commute  this  Obi  Obi,  "what 
disgusting  literary  job  of  writing  is  put  down  on 
them  pages  --  such  blots  and  woggly-letters 
with  swear-and-tear  places  all  over  it !  Who  wrote 
them  disgusting  records  of  life,  please  Mr.  Angel  ?" 

"Obi  Obi,  sweet  singer,  it  was  you  that  done  it 
all  these  years  you  have  been  songing  and  whiskey- 
drunking,"  devour  that  lovely  Angel. 

"Then  I  must  have  enjoyed  great  wickedness  to 
have  wrote  my  lifetime  so  badly,"  retort  that  great 
man. 

"Yes,  you  have  so,"  say  Angel.  "You  are 
therefore  to  die  and  go  to  boiling-point  on  this  New 
Year  day  —  come,  please." 

"Thank  you,  Hon.  Angel,  one  more  chance  for 
Obi  Obi,  be  so  kind!" 

"Very  well,  once  more  chance,"   say  spirited 


JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY  369 

Angel.  "  If  you  can  wrote  in  these  Book  one  page 
of  neat-writing,  Spencerian  book-keep  handwrite, 
no  blotting-marks,  then  you  may  die  and  go 
Heaven." 

"Thank  you  to  do!"  say  Obi  Obi,  &  took  foun- 
tind  pen  &  wrote  once  more  page  in  Book  of  Life. 
But  when  done  —  O  such  bad  disgust!  That 
page  was  all  blotty-marked  with  woggly  ink- 
splatter  letters  and  orthography. 

"There!"  say  Angel,  "you  have  wrote  new  leaf 
on  New  Year  day,  and  see!  It  is  worse  job  as 
formerly.  Come,  please,  and  die." 

Obi  Obi  look  at  page  and  say  this  following 
philosophy: 

"The  reason  why  so  I  write  it  so  bumly  in  Book 
of  Life  is  not  because  of  me,  but  because  of  bad 
pen  and  ink  provided." 

Then  he  wake  up  with  head-split  and  throat- 
crack  symbols  of  drunkenness.  He  make  groan 
ing  sound  and  O  Yucha  San,  wife  of  his,  approach 
with  that  delicious  ice-water. 

"It  is  Happy  New  Year!"  she  relate,  making 
smiles. 

"  Thank  you  for  telling  me  so  it  is,"  say  Obi  Obi. 
Then  he  went  dead. 

And  them  dying  words  is  to  be  saw  on  tomb 
which  you  may  visit  there  to-day,  price  two  sen 
admission. 


370  JAPANESE  SCHOOLBOY 

Please  to  listen  what  I  do  with  tipewriting  last 
night: 

0  JOYFUL  NEWNESS  OF  TEAR 

O  joyful  newness  of  annual  year! 

Oh! 

It  is  refreshing  to  watch  the  daisies  sprouting  all  along  the 

eternal  cowpath  of  cities; 
Is  it  not  ? 

And  yet  I  have  never  saw  them  do  this; 
But  still  they  are  to  emblify  hopeing-feel  of  New  Year. 
Shall  I  mail  you  coloured  post-card, 

0  Love  ? 

Telling  about  how  Japanese  Boy 
Feel  fresh  ? 

On  all  gate-posts  of  American  persons  is  hung  emblems 

Of  hope  for  future  real-estate. 

All  Americans  are  earning  home  early  of  New  Year  morning, 

And  some  has  forgotten  to. 

For  New  Year  has  came  with  legal  holly-day 

To  put  on  derby  hat, 

To  see  friends  and  enjoy  excitement  of  general  custom. 

1  bow  to  Happy  New  Year,  I  reverence  all  them  things  about  it, 
I  rejoice,  legally,  I  intoxicate,  I  syndicate  my  thoughts  to  all 

humanity-races  — 
And  yet,  to  tell  you  honest  true, 
I  do  not  care  much  for  New  Years  time, 
Because  I  do  not. 

Hoping  you  will  be  more  wiser,  if  possible,  next 
annual  year  and  that  all  persons  may  be  onto  it, 
also,  good-bye  and  some  to  friends, 

Yours  truly, 

HASHIMURA  TOGO. 


WHICH  BORROWED 


RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  wni^ 

IOANDEPT. 

.^SKKSrS?^" 

on  the  date  to  which  «newed. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  .mmed.ate  recall 

. ""  T~I Zw      •* 


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